wetwang

Prince Williams stag night should be interesting. Imagine anybody else sticking pictures of their granny down the front of a pole dancers g-string.

le plumber

Guy goes into a barbers to get his hair cut and says to the barber, "I want my hair cut like Elvis Presley" - after about 20minutes the man is furious and says "Elvis Presley doesn't look anything like this". Barber replies, "He would if he came in 'ere!!":

Tweedpipe

After their wedding, Prince William announced that he'll be taking Kate 'down under'. He also mentioned something about a honeymoon, probably in Australia.

Tweedpipe

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar on Merseyside.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

Blackladder

This flea walks into a travel agents in New York and says:

'Jeez, I need a break after this long hard winter, what've you got?'

'What do you want to do?'

'Weel, I'm a flea, all I want to do is laze around in some jungle, damp and humid and warm , you know the idea.'

'Tell you what, I can offer you 7 days in Keith Richard's hair.'

'Keith, as in Rolling Stones?'

'Yes indeed.'

'I'll take it.'

so off goes the flea.
After 4 days he's back at the agent's.
'You're back early!'

'Yeah, sorry couldn't take any more of it. He smoked pot all day, drank whiskey all night and played rubbish guitar and drums round the clock.'

'Well, sorry about that, but I have got 7 days left over for you, can fix you up with 7 days in Omar Sharif's mustache.

'Now that sounds more like it'.

so off goes the flea again.

After 4 days he's back again.

You're early again!

Yeah, well it was great at first, but Sharif spent all evening playing professional bridge down the casino and he smokes his charoots all the way down to the butt, so I was getting choked to death'.

'Look, this time you're in luck, I got a cancellation so I can offer you 7 days in Bridgette Bardot's muff. This one's the real Mcoy, sunbathing on her own private beach at St Tropez, some gentle music, you can't go wrong.'

'Wow! says the flea, 'I'll take that!'

after 4 days he's back.

'What happened this time? You've still got 3 days to go.

'Well, it was just like you said at first, sunbathing on the beach, gentle music coming from her own PM3, wonderful.'

Well, what happened?

'You tell me, there I was really enjoying myself for the first 4 days, then on the morning of the 5th I found myself back in Omar Sharif's mustache.'

Tweedpipe

A blonde had just bought a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife out again and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

Kontiki

Soloution to the Greek economics.


It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

Tweedpipe

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she actually knows how to cook!”

le plumber

The coach of OM is looking for a new striker and is informed of the existence of an extraordinary young Iraqi.
So he takes a plane to Baghdad and attends a match of young genius.
He is captivated by what he sees and arranges for the future superstar to be transferred to Marseille.
Two months later, in the championship PSG leads 2-0 against OM and there are only ten minutes to play, so the coach decides to bring his new recruit.

The young Iraqi scores 3 goals including one just before the final whistle and gives victory to OM!

The fans cry of joy - the players and the coach rush upon him to kiss and hug him.

When he returns to the locker room, he calls his mother to share her joy.

Hi Mum, you'll never guess what! in less than ten minutes, I scored 3 goals and we won. Everyone is crazy, even the press are crazy about me!

I'm happy for you, my son.

And you, Mum, how are you?

Not good, son! Your dad just got shot in the street and is fighting for his life in hospital, your sister was raped at school and your younger brother was arrested with a friend because they were driving a stolen car ...

The young player feels suddenly very embarrassed..... I do not know what to say Mum, I 'm sorry.

Sorry???!!! sorry????!!!, she shouts, it's you who wanted us to leave Baghdad to come and live in Marseille

Blackladder

A man calls 911 and says to the duty officer 'I think my wife is dead'.

'How do you know?'

'Well, the sex is about the same but the ironing is piling up.'

Blackladder

The missis suggested I bought one of those penis enlargers, so I did, she's 21 and her name's Kathy.

Tweedpipe

An old farmer decides to go into town and see a film. He is about to pay for his ticket when the ticket agent asks,
“Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
“This is my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes,” answers the old farmer.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t allow animals or any livestock in the cinema.”
Disappointed, the old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs Chuck down his overalls. He then returns to the booth, buys a ticket and enters the cinema. He sits down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The film is about to start when the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck can stick his head out and watch the film.
“Marge,” whispers Mildred, “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asks a shocked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out.”
“Well, don’t worry about it,” assures Marge, “at our age we’ve seen ‘em all.” “I thought so, too,” fires back Mildred, “but his thing is now eating my damn popcorn!”

Tweedpipe

A husband bought a new brand of condom named Olympic. When he got home he informed his wife of his purchase.
“Olympic condoms?” she asked. “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver, and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked cheekily.
”Gold, of course,” said the man proudly.
“Why don’t you wear silver?” the wife responded. “It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

Tweedpipe

A wife went to see a therapist and said,
“I’ve got a big problem, Doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an earsplitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it always wakes me up!"

Blackladder

This blokes wife had been missing for a whole week and the police warned him to fear the worst, so he went down to the Salvation Army and got back all of her clothes.