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Old Aug 14th 2009, 7:12 am   #76
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Default Re: bad jokes...

A hippy gets on a bus and the only other passenger is a nun. The hippy is totally bewitched by the nun's beautiful face and sits next to her and says, Jeez mam I sure would love to have sex with you. The nun blushes and replies that she is married to God and must remain forever faithful. Then she gets off the bus.

The hippy sighs, but the busdriver says 'hey I know how you can have sex with her, every night she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you just put on a long robe, put some stuff in your hair and beard, say you are God and demand to have sex with her.'

So that night the hippy lays in wait in the cemetery. Sure enough, along midnight the nun appears and starts to pray. The hippy walks forward and says 'I am God, I demand to have sex with you.' The nun agrees, but asks can they instead have anal sex, so as to preserve her virginity. The hippy agrees and then has his wicked way with her.

Afterwards the hippy can hold himself back no longer, throws off the robe and shouts 'Ha! I'm the Hippy!' The nun turns round and says 'Ha! I'm the busdriver!'
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Old Aug 16th 2009, 3:01 pm   #77
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Default Re: bad jokes...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Old Aug 25th 2009, 3:26 pm   #78
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Default Re: bad jokes...

For those about to take a break.


A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A
beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He
decides, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight
attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to
fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another
line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning
the hearts of the world'.


Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her
face.


Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto 'Going beyond expectations'.


The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'



'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile
on his face............. 'Ryanair'
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Old Aug 26th 2009, 8:36 am   #79
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Nice one Blacky!
Made me think of these:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VLYpKGVBUg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMA2W...1&feature=fvwp
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Old Aug 31st 2009, 11:53 am   #80
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next Day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.........
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Old Oct 28th 2009, 2:39 pm   #81
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Nice one again Tweedy!

***Old Cowboy***



An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian.. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. '
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Old Dec 16th 2009, 7:29 am   #82
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Default Re: bad jokes...

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire........

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:33 am   #83
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Three girls - one from Surrey, one from Worcestershire and one from Yorkshire - were walking along a beautiful sandy beach when they see a man with no arms and legs sitting in the sand. 'Look at that poor man!' says the girl from Surrey, 'what a shame for him, let's go over and give him some comfort and make him feel better.'

So the girls walk over. The girl from Surrey says 'Have you ever been hugged?' The man looks up and smiles sadly and says no, so she gives him a lovely long warm hug.

The girl from Worcester says 'You ever been kissed then?' The man looks up at her, smiles wistfully and says no, so she gives him a five minute long wet kiss.

The girl from Yorkshire says 'Ast thee ever been *****ed?' The man looks up at her, smiles wanly and says no.

'Thee will be when the tide comes in.'
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Old Sep 20th 2010, 7:40 pm   #84
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Talking Re: bad jokes...

On the parking lot of a supermarket, a blonde notices that somebody has made a big dent in her car door.

After the inital shock, shes starts to have a look at how she can get the dent out of the car.
Having observed the blonde girl a good few minutes, a young man comes across laughing and says,

"The best way to get rid of that is to blow into the exhaust pipe and the dent will come out in no time!!"

So the blonde gets on her hands and knees and starts blowing hard into the exhaust pipe.

One of her friends, (who's bonde as well), comes up to her and asks what shes doing.

"I'm blowing into the exhaust pipe to get the dent out of my car door - what does it look like??!!"

"You silly bitch, it'll never work!!!"

"Oh yes?? And how the hell would you know, 'little miss intelligent'??"

"Well, of course it can't work - you've left the windows open!!"
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Old Sep 25th 2010, 12:59 pm   #85
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Default Re: bad jokes...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass.



6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.



7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.


8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of
him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.



10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said, " Take this and eat it for it is my body."
He did not say, "Eat me!"


12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
cherry."


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.


14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.
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Old Sep 29th 2010, 8:40 am   #86
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Default Re: bad jokes...

If you thought that Ed or David Milliband were bad choices it could have been worse.
It could have been their dissolute brother Steve. He's a joker,a toker and a midnight smoker ,gets his lovin' on the run.
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Old Dec 28th 2010, 8:31 pm   #87
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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Hey" he moaned to his wife, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did", said his wife, "And you're back at work on Monday!"
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Old Dec 28th 2010, 8:43 pm   #88
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Things That Sound Rude At Christmas, But Aren't.

* Did you get any under the tree?
* To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
* I think your balls are hanging too low; raise them a bit!
* From here you really can't tell if they're artificial or real.
* Santa's sack is really bulging this year.
* Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
* Can I interest you in some dark meat?
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Old Apr 15th 2011, 6:30 am   #89
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Default Re: bad jokes...

God I had a terrible nightmare last night, I dreamt that the Grim Reaper had come to get me and I had to fight him off with the end of the vacuum cleaner. I woke and said 'Jesus that was Dyson with Death'.
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Old Apr 19th 2011, 8:50 pm   #90
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
God I had a terrible nightmare last night, I dreamt that the Grim Reaper had come to get me and I had to fight him off with the end of the vacuum cleaner. I woke and said 'Jesus that was Dyson with Death'.
Blackladder,
Had to groa-n, but enjoyed it.
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