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Old Mar 12th 2009, 6:21 pm   #46
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post
Never ask a woman in a boiler suit with steel toe-capped boots what she is wearing underneath! You might get a shock ................

Could be Status Pro on the outside, Janet Reger on the inside ..... go figure ...
Difficult to think of a plausible pretext for asking
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 8:24 pm   #47
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Difficult to think of a plausible pretext for asking
In my case m8, difficult to see why anyone would WANT to

How's the babe? Are you still masking that sick and wee smell with the Old Spice or what?
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 8:34 pm   #48
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post
In my case m8, difficult to see why anyone would WANT to

How's the babe? Are you still masking that sick and wee smell with the Old Spice or what?
Ye of short term memory syndrome, tis Davidoff!


I quite like Old Spice too
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:21 pm   #49
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Ye of short term memory syndrome, tis Davidoff!


I quite like Old Spice too
Yeah, not bad, if one is desperate and the Jack Daniels has run out .....
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Old May 4th 2009, 3:33 pm   #50
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Default Re: bad jokes...

An old man goes to the local GP for a check-up. At the end the old feller says 'Now I want a sperm count'. Doc says 'but you're 82!' 'That's OK, I just want to find out if I'm still up for it.'
OK says the doc, take this little jar and come back in a week or so with a sample.'

A week later the old man returned looking shame-faced and holds up the jar, it was empty.

'What happened? asks the Doc.

'Well, first I tried it with my left hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then the missus (she's 80) tried it with her left hand then her right hand, then teeth in then teeth out. Then we tried the old trick of dipping it in warm soapy water, then the new trick of rubbing it with warm olive oil, still to no avail.'

'No luck then' says the Doc

Nope, after all that we still couldn't get the bloody lid off.
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Old May 5th 2009, 11:00 pm   #51
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Default Re: bad jokes...

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"

The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold........"
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Old May 5th 2009, 11:06 pm   #52
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Default Re: bad jokes...

And there's more.......

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I
was a hooker!". He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I
must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it". She replies,
"Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!"
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Old May 6th 2009, 11:07 am   #53
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Nice two Tweedy!
Be back later...
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Old May 6th 2009, 5:22 pm   #54
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Default Re: bad jokes...

FROGS


A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete
instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching
her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll
take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just
follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the f rog beside you, and the frog
will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise,
nothing happens.

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of
the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store." So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into
its eyes and says very sternly:

"Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

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Old May 6th 2009, 5:38 pm   #55
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Hi Val50 "croak-croak"

Ok, how about this one:-

A professor at the Texas A&M University is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out
of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a
ghost. About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" A young rustic looking guy in the back raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience." The young man replies with a nod and a grin
and begins to make his way up to the podium.
As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost."
To which he replies, "Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
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Old May 6th 2009, 5:42 pm   #56
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Or.......

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
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Old May 7th 2009, 10:50 am   #57
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Default Re: bad jokes...

OMG - side-splitting humour at 10.00 am, now I can't concentrate on my boring day!!!

Love the frog one too, think the phrase is "nice work if you can get it".
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Old May 7th 2009, 12:10 pm   #58
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Two guys were discussing their sex lives at the pub. One said things were, well OK, but he wished his wife would be a little more reactive and enjoy the things he wanted to do with her. The other guy said, 'what you have to do is surprise her, some girls fall for the unexpected approach'. So, when he gets home from the pub (all the lights were out in the house), he creeps into the house, undresses and makes for the bedroom. Unfortunately in the dark he takes a wrong turn and goes into the guest room. In the dark, he creeps up into the bed from the foot end and engages in cunnilingus with the occupant until the woman reaches the wildest orgasm and then collapses in a heap and falls asleep. Well satisfied with what he's done, the guy slips off the bed and creeps into the bathroom to get ready for bed himself. As he opens the door, he sees his wife on the loo. He lets out a scream of surprise and his wife puts her fingers to her lips and says, 'Shhh, you'll wake your mother.'
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Old May 7th 2009, 3:19 pm   #59
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last
night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This
was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the table, eating.

Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table 250

Hot Breakfast 3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'
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Old May 7th 2009, 5:12 pm   #60
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Default Re: bad jokes...

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the greetings cards, finally shaking her head.
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
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