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Old Jan 28th 2009, 2:58 pm   #31
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Talking of bad jokes......

FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."
Loved the one on the French not having a word for entrepreneur That one makes a score double.
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Old Jan 30th 2009, 2:55 pm   #32
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Default Re: bad jokes...

HM the Queen and Dolly Parton go to heaven the same day and knock on the pearly gates for admission.

St Peter opens the door and says 'sorry ladies, we're a bit pushed today with the backlog so only one of you can get in, you will each get 5 minutes to explain why you should be admitted.'

Brash yank that she is, Dolly starts right in with 'The dear Lord almighty endowed me with a beautiful voice and divine body and I think that I should be allowed in, just to show all the folks here, and the Creator hisself, the joys of a wonderful southern voice and body' whereupon she unbuttons her blouse and St Peter turns bright red.

The Queen says not a word, just strolls over to a little toilet strategically placed in a little corner for those waiting in the queue to get in, and pulls the chain, then she walks back to Dolly and St Peter.

'That's it, your majesty, says St Peter, you are admitted, welcome to the kingdom of heaven.'

At this Dolly blows a fuse 'Now hold the goddam phone here, I explained why I should be let in with my wonderful voice and body an' all, now all she did was pull the chain on that little lavatooory, how come she gets in and I don'? It plumb aint fair!'

St Peter says 'Now Dolly you know the rules. A royal flush always beats a pair, no matter how big they are.'
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Old Jan 31st 2009, 10:35 am   #33
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Default Re: bad jokes...



That's a good un!
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Old Feb 4th 2009, 9:53 pm   #34
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Default Re: bad jokes...

A man and his wife were having problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need her to get him up at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5.00 am".

He left it where he knew she would find it.
Next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover it is 9.00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why she hadn't woken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said:

"It's 5.00 am - wake up".

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.
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Old Feb 5th 2009, 4:43 pm   #35
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post
A man and his wife were having problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need her to get him up at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5.00 am".

He left it where he knew she would find it.
Next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover it is 9.00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why she hadn't woken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said:

"It's 5.00 am - wake up".

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.
This one would not have been caught out so easily
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Old Feb 16th 2009, 10:46 am   #36
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Two Asian heroin addicts have accidentally injected themselves with curry powder. Both are in intensive care. One has a tricky tikka and the other is in a korma.
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Old Feb 16th 2009, 10:50 am   #37
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Back at Ballykissangel,

A drunk Irish feller staggers into the confessional and sits down heavily, without saying a word. After a few minutes, the priest, to catch his attention, bangs three times on the wall.

'Bejasus, no use bangin' like that, there's no paper on this side oither.'
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Old Feb 16th 2009, 6:58 pm   #38
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Old Mar 12th 2009, 8:10 am   #39
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Here's one of my absolute fav book titles, should be nominated for the Hooker Prize:

Fellatio: A blow-by-blow account
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:57 am   #40
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Oh blimey, can they get any worse? Of course, you are talking to someone who thought for years that a blow-job was something you got at the hairdressers ........
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 12:18 pm   #41
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Default Re: bad jokes...

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking:
'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking:
'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 4:41 pm   #42
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking:
'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking:
'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 4:52 pm   #43
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Thanks Tres m8, off to change me delicates .............
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 4:59 pm   #44
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Thanks Tres m8, off to change me delicates .............
Delicate canvas??
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 5:02 pm   #45
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Never ask a woman in a boiler suit with steel toe-capped boots what she is wearing underneath! You might get a shock ................

Could be Status Pro on the outside, Janet Reger on the inside ..... go figure ...
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