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Old Jan 6th 2009, 10:37 pm   #16
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Default Re: bad jokes...

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Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post
I got one!

Two blonde girls were working for the council works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filing it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the one digging the hole, "I'm impressed by the amount of effort you are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick".

Ouch! (And I'm blonde, so no flack intended at blondes!!!)
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Old Jan 7th 2009, 6:38 pm   #17
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Default Re: bad jokes...

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until l I me t your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn , I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
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Old Jan 7th 2009, 7:31 pm   #18
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Default Re: bad jokes...



They are classics, especially the paper bag one - think that suits me down to the ground - probably a full length bin bag might be better though come to think of it ............

Anyway, off to bed now cos got to get up early for flight out from Bristol tomorrow, so have a good night everyone - will report in on trip to Lot on 15th when we get back!!

Andy (and Pete).
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Old Jan 7th 2009, 7:31 pm   #19
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post


They are classics, especially the paper bag one - think that suits me down to the ground - probably a full length bin bag might be better though come to think of it ............

Anyway, off to bed now cos got to get up early for flight out from Bristol tomorrow, so have a good night everyone - will report in on trip to Lot on 15th when we get back!!

Andy (and Pete).
Good luck
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Old Jan 24th 2009, 2:53 pm   #20
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new girlfriend?












No





Neither has he
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Old Jan 24th 2009, 7:32 pm   #21
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er, there was that bit about jokes too don't forget
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Old Jan 24th 2009, 9:30 pm   #22
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Default Re: bad jokes...

I've got another - it's long so get ready:

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the car (and He doesn't travel light) the driver noticed the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me Your Holiness, would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, tell you the truth, they never let me drive at The Vatican so I'd love to drive today".

"Sorry, I can't let you do that" says the worried driver "What if something goes wrong?"

"I'll make it worth your while" says The Pope

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pope floors it and accelerates to over 100 mph.

"Please slow down sir" he says nervously, but the Pope ignores him until they hear the sirens. "Oh Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the cop takes one look and goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Superintendent" he says.

The super gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a car going over 100mph.

"So what's the problem? Book him".

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important"

"Great - all the more reason - go on, do him" says the Super.

"No, I mean REALLY important" said the policeman.

"Who is it, the Mayor?"

"Nope, more important"

"Well, a Politician then?"

"Nope, bigger"

"Blimey, not the Queen is it? Says the Super, laughing.

"Nope, bigger"

"Crikey, who is it then?" says the baffled Super.

"I think it's God" whispers the policeman.

"GOD? What makes you think it's GOD?" says the Super.

"Well, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur".



Dreadful I know, but it made me chuckle.
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Old Jan 24th 2009, 9:42 pm   #23
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post
I've got another - it's long so get ready:

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the car (and He doesn't travel light) the driver noticed the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me Your Holiness, would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, tell you the truth, they never let me drive at The Vatican so I'd love to drive today".

"Sorry, I can't let you do that" says the worried driver "What if something goes wrong?"

"I'll make it worth your while" says The Pope

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pope floors it and accelerates to over 100 mph.

"Please slow down sir" he says nervously, but the Pope ignores him until they hear the sirens. "Oh Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the cop takes one look and goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Superintendent" he says.

The super gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a car going over 100mph.

"So what's the problem? Book him".

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important"

"Great - all the more reason - go on, do him" says the Super.

"No, I mean REALLY important" said the policeman.

"Who is it, the Mayor?"

"Nope, more important"

"Well, a Politician then?"

"Nope, bigger"

"Blimey, not the Queen is it? Says the Super, laughing.

"Nope, bigger"

"Crikey, who is it then?" says the baffled Super.

"I think it's God" whispers the policeman.

"GOD? What makes you think it's GOD?" says the Super.

"Well, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur".



Dreadful I know, but it made me chuckle.
I could only smile - cos I used to ell that one ,before my barain beacame unable to cope with anything that lengthy.

Hey Andy dudette, how's things?
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Old Jan 24th 2009, 10:52 pm   #24
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Talking of bad jokes......

FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."
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Old Jan 25th 2009, 10:54 am   #25
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Default Re: bad jokes...



You know, I think comedians are all dying in the aisles cos of Old George's departure - methinks the new chap might be a bit more intelligent (after all, he has to be as GB's IQ can't be more than his shoe size) and won't provide them with quite the material to take the p**s out of.

A stupid leader is one thing, a religious leader is another, a weak leader is another, but a stupid, religious, weak leader is dead dangerous as has been proved "beyond reasonable doubt".

The most surprising thing of all to me about George Bush's leadership was that no one bumped him off!

So anyway, whilst we are doing the Bad Jokes thing, here's another, especially for Ewood!!

************
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief he asks:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed here from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing" he said. "You were lucky to get a boat washed up with you".

"Oh this old thing?" She said, "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem. On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware"

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, struck dumb. As they walk into the house, she says casually:

"Its not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No, thanks, I can't take another drop of coconut juice" says the guy.

"Well, it's not coconut juice. I have a still. How would you like a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet".

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes ........

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ............

"Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?"



AAAAAAAAAAARgh!
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Old Jan 25th 2009, 11:05 am   #26
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrea50 View Post


You know, I think comedians are all dying in the aisles cos of Old George's departure - methinks the new chap might be a bit more intelligent (after all, he has to be as GB's IQ can't be more than his shoe size) and won't provide them with quite the material to take the p**s out of.

A stupid leader is one thing, a religious leader is another, a weak leader is another, but a stupid, religious, weak leader is dead dangerous as has been proved "beyond reasonable doubt".

The most surprising thing of all to me about George Bush's leadership was that no one bumped him off!

So anyway, whilst we are doing the Bad Jokes thing, here's another, especially for Ewood!!

************
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief he asks:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed here from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing" he said. "You were lucky to get a boat washed up with you".

"Oh this old thing?" She said, "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem. On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware"

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, struck dumb. As they walk into the house, she says casually:

"Its not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No, thanks, I can't take another drop of coconut juice" says the guy.

"Well, it's not coconut juice. I have a still. How would you like a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet".

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes ........

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ............

"Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?"



AAAAAAAAAAARgh!
Thank you Andy
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Old Jan 25th 2009, 11:36 am   #27
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Your welcome, Grandad!

Tell you what though, the best "bad joke" of all is the flippin exchange rate. Scuppered me budget that has. Have found some really nice properties in Brittany though, so might send you those later by e-mail for you to give them the once over. We are thinking of going over around 25th Feb for a gander, as our measley budget won't even get us a bread oven in Lot.

Will write later, have a nice Sunday morning!
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Old Jan 25th 2009, 2:28 pm   #28
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Sorry 'bout that, let's see if this one goes down better.

An elderly couple attend church one Sunday morning.
Halfway through the service the old lady whispers to her husband 'I've just dropped the most enormous silent fart, what should I do?'

'Change the batteries in yer hearing aid'
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Old Jan 25th 2009, 3:54 pm   #29
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
Sorry 'bout that, let's see if this one goes down better.

An elderly couple attend church one Sunday morning.
Halfway through the service the old lady whispers to her husband 'I've just dropped the most enormous silent fart, what should I do?'

'Change the batteries in yer hearing aid'
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Women: Don't waste energy faking org**ms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
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Old Jan 28th 2009, 3:24 pm   #30
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
(Gasp of surprise!!)
'Thank God for that!' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.
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"I can certainly see that you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn’t know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret." - Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers
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