Tweedpipe

A man says to his wife, "Cherie, why is it you never tell me when you're experiencing an orgasm?"
The wife replies, "Simply because you've forbidden me to call you when you're at the office!"

cyrian

Your smile for today ...........................

Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Sorry mate -


"What she really said was: 666136429."

Tweedpipe

Having lived & worked in Hong Kong for several years, I can relate to that.
Which reminds me........
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers all changed their names to seem more American. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. As for Fu - he got sent back to China!

Tweedpipe

I note it's been very quiet on the French forums lately. Time to liven things up......

A young couple having just been married, are about to spend their first night together.
The man says “There’s something I must confess to you. I’m hung like a baby!"
Hugely disappointed to hear this, his bride puts on a bright face and says "But sex isn’t the most important thing. Love is what makes marriage special.”
Hearing this the husband takes off his trousers and pants - and suddenly the woman faints. When she recovers she says “What the hell was that? You said you were hung like a baby!”
"I am", her husband replies, "8 pounds 21 inches!"

cyrian

I saw this in a restaurant in France last week.
What else do you think it could be?

Tweedpipe

The mind boggles........

Tweedpipe

What? No new jokes since July! Time to change that........

A small farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking the farm animals. First he kicked the pig, then a chicken, and then he kicked the cow.
His mother had observed this from the kitchen window, and decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school.
When he arrives home, his mother confronts him and says "I saw you this morning kicking the farm animals. For kicking the pig you get no pork products for a week, no eggs for a week for kicking the chicken, and for the cow you get no beef products for a week. Now wait for your father to come home and tell him exactly what you've done." The young lad waits nervously for his father.
After a terrible day in work, his father arrives home in a filthy mood, and he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy observes this together with his mother, looks across to her and says "Do you want to tell him he'll have no more pussy for a week, or shall I?"

cyrian

The Truth

Tweedpipe

Tweedpipe

What no jokes yet this year? We'll have to change that!

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going sir?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man replies casually, "Oh no, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked at the man's admission. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me", and reaches through the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you'll find the gun in the glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and a helicopter are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replied, "Yeah, and I bet that lying bastard said I was speeding too!"

EuroTrash

Yes I wonder who'll be first to post a joke this year?

Tweedpipe

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

BuckinghamshireBoy

Not a joke per se, a true story...

Shopping in a Co-op store in the next village up the road recently, the guy behind me in the checkout queue asks:

"Excusez-moi monsieur, mais êtes-vous anglais?"

Me: "Coupable. What gave it away? The accent?"

Him - with a very slight American accent: "The baked beans. Only English people buy baked beans."

Tweedpipe

Partially true of course. My wife occasionally buys Heinz baked beans, one reason being she quite enjoys them. And the neighbours even 2 doors away are audibly made aware of when she's been eating 'em!
I occasionally tease her in saying, "You certainly appear to enjoy your pets"

BuckinghamshireBoy

In Belgium, there is a very large manufacturing plant located to the East of Brussels. It is so large that it straddles the border of two provinces - Walloon Brabant and Flemish Brabant. The structure dates way back and has impressive stone entrance portals in each of the two provinces.

Carved above the Wallonian entrance is "Ici on parle français".

Carved above the Flemish entrance is "Ici on travaille".