le plumber

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Tom's wife isn't wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Tom's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you £100." They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Tom is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Tom's wife £100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Tom comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Tom asks, "Did he give you £100?" She thinks, "Oh my God, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me £100." "Good," Tom says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed £100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back - it's nice to know that we have friends we can trust!"

InVinoVeritas

Oh excellent! Must join a bridge club.

cyrian

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen won't open.”
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really buggered now."

Tweedpipe

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Harry.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping
myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around; in fact, more
than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer
live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't, ever happen again."
Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun
and, without a word, shot his wife, dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn! Auto-correct! It should have read 'wifi', not 'wife'.

Tweedpipe

Who said love was dead?

http://image.slidesharecdn.com/diver...?cb=1361737167

http://cdn0.bodas.com.mx/usr/3/3/3/0/cfb_112192.jpg

http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content...oons/mar96.gif

http://www.bridalbuds.com/wp-content...ws-cartoon.jpg

http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content...iage/mar19.gif

http://www.culdaffparish.com/Images/...geCartoon2.jpg

http://www.cartoonists.co.uk/nigelsu...t-I-submit.jpg

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/23...a421028445.jpg

Cindy was 9 years old, and this was the third wedding she had been to that summer. She turned to her mother and asked:
"Mummy, why is the bride always wearing a beautiful white dress?"
"Oh that's because it's the happiest day of her life."
To which she replied, "In that case why does the groom wear a black suit?"

Tweedpipe

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It's unopened, but as I'm well over the customs limits I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not be dishonest or lie to them."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they go through Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

He answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer rather strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which to date, is unused."

With a laugh the official waved him through.

InVinoVeritas

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don't watch The Flintstones but........Abu Dhabi Do!

Novocastrian

I have just given your new avatar permission to shoot you.

Tweedpipe

Too late! I hung him 2 days ago along the Rio Grande. Without Reservation. He Was Expendable......

BEVS

OMG

InVinoVeritas

I would refer the honourable members to the title of this thread.

Tweedpipe

Ok, you asked for this.....

Why was the baby ant so confused?

InVinoVeritas

Come, come TP - the title says "bad jokes" not "bloody awful jokes".

Tweedpipe

Ok. Must try harder. Here's a bad one.

The teacher said to the class, “Today children, we are going to learn multisyllabic words. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?”
After a second or two, little Johnny's hand shot up, "I do miss, I do!"
The teacher smiled with pride and said, “Alright, Johnny, what's your multisyllabic word?”
Little Johnny replied, “Mas-tur-bate, miss”
The teacher's taken aback, but she manages to raise a smile and says, “Wow, Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
And little Johnny replies,

InVinoVeritas