Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > Canada
Reload this Page >

How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Old Feb 5th 2016, 2:21 pm
  #16  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Maryland (via Belfast, Manchester, Toronto and London)
Posts: 4,802
MarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

It's one of the risks of moving far away from family. You have to do what you think is best for you (and your own family) and live your life as happily as you can. If that turns out to be in Canada, then you have to accept that there will be pros and cons to that (just as there would be pros and cons to returning to the UK).

As for actually coping, it's pretty easy to stay in touch these days by phone, text and social media such as Skype, Facebook, etc. You can also visit the UK or have people in the UK come visit you in Canada. Obviously none of this equates to actually living in the UK and being more available in person. But if that's not what you want, you just cope as best you can in other ways. Take lots of photos and video and share them. Encourage your friends and family in the UK to do the same. Also, if you are having a particularly hard time, consider counselling. It might be of help.
MarylandNed is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 2:37 pm
  #17  
I need a walk
 
Stinkypup's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2014
Location: Okanagan
Posts: 4,899
Stinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond reputeStinkypup has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by not2old
indeed, then again - what would I know after being in Canada nearly 50 years.

Some folks would say...'silly old bugger'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN5zw04WxCc
Never said silly, I know that you are not that - I stand by the grumpiness though,you were- there were I felt better ways of communicating your knowledge and experience which you clearly have to the original poster who was I thought asking about a very commonly experienced problem encountered by many probably more recent expats- maybe having been here for so long, your memories of the situation are somewhat remote.
I've never liked the Who- sacrilege to admit probably - though Tommy as a piece of work was very good IMO
Stinkypup is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 2:42 pm
  #18  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: May 2012
Location: Qc, Canada
Posts: 3,787
Shirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond reputeShirtback has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by MarylandNed
It's one of the risks of moving far away from family. You have to do what you think is best for you (and your own family) and live your life as happily as you can. If that turns out to be in Canada, then you have to accept that there will be pros and cons to that (just as there would be pros and cons to returning to the UK).

As for actually coping, it's pretty easy to stay in touch these days by phone, text and social media such as Skype, Facebook, etc. You can also visit the UK or have people in the UK come visit you in Canada. Obviously none of this equates to actually living in the UK and being more available in person. But if that's not what you want, you just cope as best you can in other ways. Take lots of photos and video and share them. Encourage your friends and family in the UK to do the same. Also, if you are having a particularly hard time, consider counselling. It might be of help.
[Showing my age] Back in the day when I first moved half way around the world, we were limited to air/snail mail, & phone calls from/to family in the UK - unless booked/planned in advance & budgeted for (with an eye on the clock) - generally meant bad news.

.
Shirtback is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 2:59 pm
  #19  
Slob
 
Joined: Sep 2009
Location: Ottineau
Posts: 6,342
Souvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond reputeSouvy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

At the risk of sounding snotty, isn't the guilt thing something people should think about before moving, rather than after it?

If someone is highly attached to their family and needs regular physical contact with them, they should probably not emigrate, or indeed move anywhere too far away from the home base.
Souvy is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 3:19 pm
  #20  
Dichotomus tinker
 
not2old's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,660
not2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Shirtback
[Showing my age] Back in the day when I first moved half way around the world, we were limited to air/snail mail, & phone calls from/to family in the UK - unless booked/planned in advance & budgeted for (with an eye on the clock) - generally meant bad news.

.
Originally Posted by Stinkypup
I've never liked the Who- sacrilege to admit probably - though Tommy as a piece of work was very good IMO
all thread related including the 'The WHO', 'Vera Lynn' & Roger Whittaker'

A generation gap for sure between emigrating now from way back when. Its a small world after all

BTW, 'Happy Jack' lyrics


Last edited by not2old; Feb 5th 2016 at 3:26 pm.
not2old is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 3:38 pm
  #21  
Dichotomus tinker
 
not2old's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,660
not2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Souvy
At the risk of sounding snotty, isn't the guilt thing something people should think about before moving, rather than after it?

If someone is highly attached to their family and needs regular physical contact with them, they should probably not emigrate, or indeed move anywhere too far away from the home base.


Then again there are folks living in the UK that wouldn't move even to the next town or 100KM from home base because they'd be too far from family & friends.

On your point about the 'guilt' - is it only me that doesn't get what the OP was asking & with me asking back to the OP in post#5 [not harsh, cold, snotty or grumpy] related to the title of this thread...what guilt does the OP feel?

Originally Posted by not2old
Seeing that you have been in Canada since 2012....
OP, can you please answer your own question?

Last edited by not2old; Feb 5th 2016 at 3:41 pm.
not2old is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 3:44 pm
  #22  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Maryland (via Belfast, Manchester, Toronto and London)
Posts: 4,802
MarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond reputeMarylandNed has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Souvy
At the risk of sounding snotty, isn't the guilt thing something people should think about before moving, rather than after it?

If someone is highly attached to their family and needs regular physical contact with them, they should probably not emigrate, or indeed move anywhere too far away from the home base.
The problem is that people often don't know it until some time after they move. Also, circumstances change (e.g. relatives become ill) and suddenly you feel the need to be closer.
MarylandNed is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 3:48 pm
  #23  
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Somewhere between Vancouver & St Johns
Posts: 19,840
Former Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond reputeFormer Lancastrian has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Souvy
At the risk of sounding snotty, isn't the guilt thing something people should think about before moving, rather than after it?

If someone is highly attached to their family and needs regular physical contact with them, they should probably not emigrate, or indeed move anywhere too far away from the home base.
I don't think you are being snotty you are making a valid point. Is the OP actually feeling guilty about moving away or is her family putting pressure on her to feel guilty?
I chose to make the move to Canada for my family (Canadian wife and 18 month old baby) as at the time we both agreed that life in Canada seemed a better fit than the UK. I gave up my job (Police Officer) sold the house and all other possessions and moved across with 6 x suitcases. No container of goods to follow.
On arrival I had no job to walk into but eventually found my new career.
Did I miss family and friends Yes I did but never felt guilty about leaving.
This was almost 28 years ago.
OP whose life is it to live yours or your families in the UK? Do you decide what to do or do they? Once you have answered that question then you have the answer.
Former Lancastrian is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 4:01 pm
  #24  
Dichotomus tinker
 
not2old's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,660
not2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond reputenot2old has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Former Lancastrian
I don't think you are being snotty you are making a valid point.

Is the OP actually feeling guilty about moving away or is her family putting pressure on her to feel guilty?

OP whose life is it to live yours or your families in the UK? Do you decide what to do or do they?

Once you have answered that question then you have the answer.
valid points IMO
not2old is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 4:03 pm
  #25  
Dive Bar Drunk
 
JamesM's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Toronto
Posts: 8,647
JamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond reputeJamesM has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Clairina
Hey guys,

I've been searching around here but I can't find anything on this topic, so apologies if I've missed something.

I'm wondering if anyone here feels guilty for living abroad - and if so, how do you deal with it?

I've been in Canada for 3 years and I love it. I'm really happy, and the only thing I miss about the UK is friends and family.

One of my sisters in the UK is now pregnant, and I don't know when I'll be able to go back and visit her and the new baby. My mum makes it very clear that she wishes I wasn't living out here, and the comments she makes practically break my heart.

I was just wondering how people dealt with this? Any tips or advice when family members are upset, or with things like new babies in the family when you know you can't be there for them? I'm really struggling with it.

(I am one of the oldest of 6 kids, so part of it is feeling like I can't be there for my brothers and sisters like I was when I lived in the UK.)

(And please, be gentle and sincere. No comments like "well move back to the UK" I know I am lucky to live in Canada, and have family who care about me.

Thank you in advance for any advice, tips, reassurance - or just to hear that other people go through this
Alcohol and Social Media
JamesM is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 4:23 pm
  #26  
Resident Maple Leaf Lush
 
sharkus's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,743
sharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond reputesharkus has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Clairina
Hey guys,

I've been searching around here but I can't find anything on this topic, so apologies if I've missed something.

I'm wondering if anyone here feels guilty for living abroad - and if so, how do you deal with it?

I've been in Canada for 3 years and I love it. I'm really happy, and the only thing I miss about the UK is friends and family.

One of my sisters in the UK is now pregnant, and I don't know when I'll be able to go back and visit her and the new baby. My mum makes it very clear that she wishes I wasn't living out here, and the comments she makes practically break my heart.

I was just wondering how people dealt with this? Any tips or advice when family members are upset, or with things like new babies in the family when you know you can't be there for them? I'm really struggling with it.

(I am one of the oldest of 6 kids, so part of it is feeling like I can't be there for my brothers and sisters like I was when I lived in the UK.)

(And please, be gentle and sincere. No comments like "well move back to the UK" I know I am lucky to live in Canada, and have family who care about me.

Thank you in advance for any advice, tips, reassurance - or just to hear that other people go through this

How did your mum react when you decided you were going to relocate here? I'm guessing she wasn't enthralled by the idea, given the comments she is now making? Or did she perhaps just keep it all inside and is now only mentioning it?

I've never felt guilty about coming out here, or remaining here. My parents love Canada, and used to visit a lot before I even came here, so I when I told them I was relocating they were very happy, likely as they knew they'd have somewhere to stay

My brother had his first child in mid-November, and I've yet to meet him in person, but we're popping over in March. There have been many, many emails and messages including pictures and video. I know that this will be a rare occasion when I'm back in the UK (my parents visit at least once a year, to see my son - used to be to see me, oh how things change! ) but I don't feel guilt about it.

We all make our own choices and sometimes others, for whatever reasons, don't share how we feel about it.

I would agree with others who say Skype / FaceTime is great, and I do find that is a good way to keep in touch in a more visual sense than emails and messages can, and I need to make sure I skype more with my family
sharkus is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 5:29 pm
  #27  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 80
jayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond reputejayca has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

I have never felt bad about living abroad, my family know that i came out here to give myself a better life and they fully support me for that, wouldnt change it for the world, i am also an only child and my parents love that they can come out here and visit me.
jayca is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 5:40 pm
  #28  
 
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 12,830
Aviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond reputeAviator has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Why would one feel guilty about where you choose to live? Unless the choice was morally contemptible, or you deserted dependent children, don't see what the issue would be.

I would not be pleased to see my kids move a long way away, however it is their life and they have to choose what works for them. If that is what makes them happiest, I accept that.
Aviator is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 6:02 pm
  #29  
BE Enthusiast
 
KuroKuro's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2012
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 446
KuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond reputeKuroKuro has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

My mum tries to cry secretly every time that my parents drop me off at the airport to come back to Canada (3 times now), but it's fairly obvious to me that she doesn't like it. She's sad but she doesn't want me to feel guilty, I think. It was exactly the same as when my brothers & I left for universities away from home. I know that both of my parents would like it a lot if I still lived in the UK, but neither of them begrudge me moving away. I think I'm in about the same level of communication with my mum through calls & Facebook messages, and probably talk to my dad a bit more with regular emails. It's not really much different than when I lived 2 hours away when at university. My 2 brothers, I would only really see at Easter/Christmas, so I miss out on that a little bit.

It does make me sad to think of my parents getting old without me there to spend quality time with them, but honestly, to a large degree the same would be true even if I lived in the UK, because I know I wouldn't be living out in the sticks like they do. Just the ease with which I could make an emergency trip to them has changed, but I'm conscious to keep savings in case that ever happens.

Friends have kinda fallen by the wayside. We message every so often, and I still care about them dearly, but I know that our connectivity would be about the same if I still lived in the UK. Which of course is sad anyway, but I don't regret it as part of living abroad.

Overall, I would say that I don't really feel guilty about my move at all, it's more a slight sadness of giving up on time with my parents that I won't be able to get back.
KuroKuro is offline  
Old Feb 5th 2016, 10:45 pm
  #30  
Oscar nominated
 
BristolUK's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 50,523
BristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: How do you deal with guilt over living abroad?

Originally Posted by Aviator
Why would one feel guilty about where you choose to live?...I would not be pleased to see my kids move a long way away, however it is their life and they have to choose what works for them. If that is what makes them happiest, I accept that.
Okay but what if you told them you'd prefer them to not move away? Or maybe you kept quiet about it but they overheard you?

Or they overheard you discussing what to do in the event of, say, a health problem occurring with them not around.

I'm sure you wouldn't expect them to go "meh, who cares?" so maybe they would feel a bit guilty.
BristolUK is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service -

Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.