Clairina

Hey guys,

I've been searching around here but I can't find anything on this topic, so apologies if I've missed something.

I'm wondering if anyone here feels guilty for living abroad - and if so, how do you deal with it?

I've been in Canada for 3 years and I love it. I'm really happy, and the only thing I miss about the UK is friends and family.

One of my sisters in the UK is now pregnant, and I don't know when I'll be able to go back and visit her and the new baby. My mum makes it very clear that she wishes I wasn't living out here, and the comments she makes practically break my heart.

I was just wondering how people dealt with this? Any tips or advice when family members are upset, or with things like new babies in the family when you know you can't be there for them? I'm really struggling with it.

(I am one of the oldest of 6 kids, so part of it is feeling like I can't be there for my brothers and sisters like I was when I lived in the UK.)

(And please, be gentle and sincere. No comments like "well move back to the UK" I know I am lucky to live in Canada, and have family who care about me.

Thank you in advance for any advice, tips, reassurance - or just to hear that other people go through this

rivingtonpike

It must be tough for you. Sorry I can't really offer any empathy. Sadly (I suppose) I come from the sort of family where the conversation has pretty much dried up before we've got out of the airport. For example, I called my Dad on Sunday about some trivial thing and he said "can I call you back, we're just watching something (on the telly I presume). Still not heard from him - which is fine as I don't need to ask the question any more.
As the years roll by, I have less and less contact with UK friends. Our family of friends is very international anyway, so being in the UK wouldn't make much difference to how often we saw people. Plus we have a great set of friends here in Canada who more than compensate for the ones we left behind.
If you are close to friends and family in the UK though, I can imagine it would be tough missing them all.

Former Lancastrian

I never felt guilty of moving abroad.
Ask yourself the question who decides what you do and the type of life you live?
Also ask the question do you decide how your mother and siblings choose to live their lives?
Im suspecting the answer to the 2nd question is NO so that now answers the 1st question.
You chose to make those decisions so don't feel guilty.
Yes its tough being away from family but don't let them dictate how you live your life.

Wintersong

I think it's normal and probably most of us will have experienced it at some point or another. 3 weeks before I moved to the US, my Gran died and then 2 months after that, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I felt guilty that I wasn't able to be there as much as I wanted and couldn't offer my Mum the emotional and physical support that she truly needed. I only have 1 brother and he's not really the reliable type, so my parents were on their own for the most part.

It's tough, and there's no magic wand. Some times are harder than others. At the end of the day, though, your Mum needs to accept that it's YOUR life and you're doing what's right for you. If you have a husband and kids, the happiness of your immediate family has to come first. It may be time to have a word with your Mum about how she's making you feel as it's somewhat selfish and unfair of her. My Mum used to do the same thing and it ended up causing a major row between us - she's stopped doing it now and our relationship has improved significantly as a result.

not2old

Seeing that you have been in Canada since 2012....

OP, can you please answer your own question?

.

BristolUK

Probably her sister being pregnant has turned manageable into difficult now.
____________________

I'm one of four brothers, the other three all had/have partners and children and I was always the one doing most for my mum.

When she had a hip operation it was me taking a week off work and moving back to care for her and later returning to work but staying on the week after. As well as my usual holidays she joined me on other trips. I was always the one to see her regularly.

When I told her I would be marrying and moving to Canada I expected a bit of questioning if not opposition. But nothing came. Even though she and my wife didn't get on.

Fast forward and she had her hip replacement replaced. Now it's their turn. There are enough of them after all.

If you've more than done your bit, and being one of the eldest you probably did, it's just their turn now. Easier said than done maybe but that's the attitude you need to adopt.

Shirtback

I can't really help : I've never felt guilty about where I live in relation to where family lives.

Thinking about pregnant sisters back in the UK, I probably spent/spend more time on Skype/whatsapp etc with them, than I would have spent on the phone/actually visiting them if we'd all been in the same country.

Sorry.

not2old

And Bristol you made the move to Canada, the rest of the family coped without you being there. You made the choices you did.... because

and from the OP

So, every time that there is a family issue or event 'back home', the 'black sheep' alone in Canada gets the 'you were wrong to move away [guilt trip] & we shall make sure that you know it'

'Nowt as funny as family' & in my experience 'its best to be away from the day-to-day' BS.

Makes you wonder why the OP left the UK in the first place & how she has survived being here since 2012, as stated in her very first post?

The OP says she is one of six - I'm sure that the support group 'back home' can deal with it IMO.

Now, wait till the OP's Mother or one of the family members back home passes away - then what?

Siouxie

That's a bit harsh, don't you think?

The OP didn't come on here denigrating Canada or the UK - or having a bitchfest - she just asked how other people were coping with any guilt feelings. Perhaps a tad more compassion or empathy might be in order? No doubt the imminent arrival of a new sprog in the family has made her feel a bit guilty about not being there to support her sister - totally understandable.

To the OP.

Perhaps you could send your Mum a copy of the post you made - she probably doesn't really understand that when she does a guilt trip on you it makes you feel terrible! I think 'most' parents want their kids to be happy, even if it's far away (yes, I know there are a few that break that rule, lol).

Could you invite your Mum over to stay perhaps, so she can see what kind of life you are living? Sometimes people say harsh things or are off hand because they have lost touch and don't know how to communicate with you anymore - having a visit to look forwards to, and then chat about after, might be something that would help.

As for the guilt itself, perhaps you could arrange a family skype group or similar so that you can jump on there for a video chat when ever someone is around? Your sister will be home with the baby, so an ideal opportunity for you to have video chats with her and see it and talk about things that sisters do! If your Mum doesn't have one, get her a tablet or something similar that she can skype or facetime with you on - make her feel a bit special!

Other than that, just accept that some people won't be happy about your move over but that is their problem, not yours. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for living your life.

[hugs]



(Oh - and welcome to BE!!)

Siouxie

Posting again to give the OP some links to other threads on this subject, so she doesn't feel like she's the only one!

http://britishexpats.com/forum/canad...handle-867858/
http://britishexpats.com/forum/canad...family-855880/
http://britishexpats.com/forum/canad...behind-827832/

Stinkypup

Clairina please be reassured that we are not all grumpy ol' gits who have probably buried their rellies under the patio before they left home shores. It is a tricky one for a lot of us and I think probably can be worked through logically - as Siouxie suggests plan strategies- if you can get family over here, especially your mum- we are only max 8-9 hours from UK, it isn't Oz- we lived for a time in Scotland and it took that long to drive South to Kent to see my parents .
I miss them, I speak to them way more now than I did when we were in the UK- we try and Skype our families weekly- I know that they appreciate it and we enjoy inane chat! You only have one life and if it gets to much then you aren't chained here.. You could head back if you were really not enjoying it and things were getting too much. We try to see our families if we can once yearly which isn't cheap and many cant afford that, a lot can though.
Have a read of the threads that Siouxie put up, I'm sure that they may help you

Shakyuk

I don't understand why comments are made like this. Do people who post like this actually speak to people like this in real life? It adds nothing to the thread and just comes across as hostile and unfriendly.

not2old

indeed, then again - what would I know after being in Canada nearly 50 years.

Some folks would say...'silly old bugger'

moosemeadows

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. I cant offer any advice from the point of view of 'how do I do it' because I haven't yet moved - we are due to move in August. I have, though, been through a hellish time with family over the last 3 months and it's made me question everything about the move, my life, my upbringing.

I think the interesting thing is that you mention 'guilt', and when you drill down to this certainly for me it's because I feel a sense of responsibility for my family and that I in some way look after them...so I feel guilty for not being able to do that. The reality, though, is that although we like to think that our family needs us to look after them, they don't and they need us far less than we think they do. My family rarely listens to me when I try to help or offer advice anyway! Your sister and partner are pursuing their own life, having children etc, and they are their own family now and they're the ones who have the responsibility for looking after each other.

A decade or so ago, emigrating must've been much, much harder for families to cope with but nowadays with FaceTime and Skype, and cheap phone calls, the reality is that you can still be there in a real way to go through things that you and your family are experiencing. You can't feel guilty for living your life and following a dream (i.e. moving to Canada) because life is for doing just that. For all you know, your sister, mother, brother etc might decide next year to emigrate somewhere....Think about if you had stayed for your family, and they announce "we're off!"

The other thing to consider, is that you can get on a plane and be back in the UK the very same day. Fair enough you probably can't do this whenever you want, but I think it does help to put things in perspective. I mean, living in Australia would be far worse in that respect.

The only other advice I can offer is to be there for your family using the methods that are available to you - call them on Skype etc frequently and keep in regular contact. Having moved to Canada doesn't mean you don't care, so you shouldn't feel guilty. At least keeping in touch regularly and showing them that you still want to be part of their lives might help you to feel that you're 'there' albeit not in a physical sense.

Souvy

I think we must be joined at the hip. I probably talk to my brothers more often now than I did when I lived in the UK. I definitely talked to my parents more often (no longer an issue).