ivorfatarse

Taxi!!

Cleopatra

that was funnier.

midgetjan

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

midgetjan

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!
... Don't be SO disgusting. !


The duck said,
'I am a DRAKE , you've made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

midgetjan

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the

unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy

answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto

ladies' knickers and thongs.'



The clerk looked up

Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it

classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80

dollars a week unemployment pay.



Mick was next in

and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'





Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk

gave Mick 160 dollars a week.



When Paddy

found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office

to find out why his friend and co-worker was

collecting double his pay.



The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour

and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'





'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on

da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his

head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

stevemich

Whats the worst thing you can say to a bloke in a gay bar?

"Excuse me, do you mind if I push your stool in?"




and....



Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says..

"Wanna go in there and get shit-faced?"



boom boom

stevemich

Why did the angry condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

midgetjan

Try these gems of wisdom.


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you Fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17.. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


Regards

midgetjan

Peter Kay One Liners


1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before


PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

midgetjan

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

Mipik

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.

Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records. (or cassettes)

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Mipik

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy




A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.


She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.


The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.


It isn't very long before a police car arrives.


The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'


'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.


'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.


'Helllooooooo!!! !' says the blonde.


'Those are my emergency flashers!'

Pollyana

Here endeth this thread, I'm afraid - too large now to be easily managed on dial up, if nothing else. New thread is HERE