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The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Old Jun 22nd 2006, 4:44 pm
  #1  
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Default Another joke!!!

What goes in dry



comes out wet



and drips down the sides?





NOT what you're thinking it's a teabag!!!!!
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Old Oct 11th 2006, 10:17 am
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Talking The Official Barbie Joke Thread! (NOT CHILD FRIENDLY)

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him,ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies,"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin!"
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Old Feb 22nd 2007, 8:52 am
  #3  
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Talking The Official Barbie Joke Thread!

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. (Not True)

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Old Feb 22nd 2007, 10:59 pm
  #4  
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Talking The Lord showeth the way to the holy water

:d
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Old Mar 20th 2007, 10:59 am
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Talking St. Patrick Day Jokes

I know it's a few days late!


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

__________________________________________________ _____________________________


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."


__________________________________________________ _____________________________


Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

__________________________________________________ _____________________________


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

__________________________________________________ _____________________________


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh*t."

__________________________________________________ _____________________________


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 11:42 am
  #6  
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Talking Qantas

:d
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 12:09 pm
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Default Re: Qantas

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
:d
LOL
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 11:18 pm
  #8  
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Talking Jail Bird

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 11:20 pm
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Talking Little Joe

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 11:31 pm
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Talking Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in
Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at
the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing
the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
to be a ballerina!"
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Old Mar 23rd 2007, 11:56 pm
  #11  
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Talking I'd Love To Be Eight Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday . "I'd love to
be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk
shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my dress size, you *****in tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still
going to get it wrong.
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 12:05 am
  #12  
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Default Re: Little Joe

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
PMSL
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 12:06 am
  #13  
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Default Re: Jail Bird

Originally Posted by Suni&Jay
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 5:08 pm
  #14  
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Default Re: Little Joe

lol
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 5:08 pm
  #15  
Just wanna be there
 
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paul and Lynz will become famous soon enoughpaul and Lynz will become famous soon enough
Default Re: Jail Bird

lmao
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