Bix

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

Bix

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend

glittababe

lol you're on form today

Bix

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

Bix

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

Bix

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

possoms

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last
time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up
the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually, even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely.
She said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how
bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed. Within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man
and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..... including the curtain rods.

possoms

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,

when all of a sudden.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,!
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,
and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

Bix

I ees beginning to worry about you.

hilary6

They're great really needed cheering up today, thanks

Rooksie

what do man united and hong kong have in common?

neither are in europe

Bix

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Bix

Clyde The Newfie



Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said: "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked down and said: "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and
said: "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said: "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked: "How can you tell?
Zeke said: "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to
town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."

Wendy

This guy goes to the psychiatrist, the doctor says to him "I'm going to show you some ink pictures and I want you to say the first thing you see"

"OK" he replies

The doc shows him the first " That's a womans p***y " he says

Doc shows him the second "That's a womans t**s " he says

Doc shows him one more "That's a woman with no clothes on" he says

The doctor looked at him and said "I think you've got sex on the brain"

The guy replies "It's you who keeps showing me dirty pictures"