Genie3

Well as a few of you predicted this was the wrong thing to do. I hate to be a downer but I wish I hadn't come back. We are still staying at my parents, I still have not managed to get my 11yr old a school place, still trying to sort out correspondence school for the 15yr old I have applied for so many jobs and got nowhere, I am unable to drive due to the insurance cost for my parents, it is all a big cock up. I have held my stuff with the shippers so will be ale to get some sort of refund but I am in total limbo, can I make a life here when I'm not sure I want to be here, sure the girls think it's like being on holiday again, no school people have all the time in the world for you but when reality hits it isn't like that. The older is very anti me still for making her come. I feel I may of lost the only man that would love me even tho things were bad and I felt we had to have space. Everything is just so wrong and so messed up. I have become a recluse as everyone is getting on with their lives and bar 2 people no one has made the effort to contact after my initial contact and not being able to drive makes it hard. I have zero money coming in, I am reliant on my parents feeding us which makes me so guilty, to get child benefit etc takes so long and you go round the houses and still get nowhere. I am banging my head against a brick wall. The one day in more years than I can remember that I was looking forwards to happens tomorrow and now I want it to go away. I want to go away. It's all too much of a struggle. Sorry for the rant

formula

Sorry to read that. There is no shame in returning to New Zealand and no time limit you have to be in the UK, before you can return. 2 out of 3 of you want to be in NZ.

SarahFM

Oh Genie, hang in there. From what I can tell you haven't been back that long. I've been back 8 months and I still have ups and downs. I know that it sucks having to rely on family etc but this is a process and unfortunately you just need to give it time. My advice - walk. It's free, gets you out and about and will improve your mood. Especially now the evenings are lighter. Its probably the only thing that's kept me going this far! Try and find your local community hall and see if there isn't some sort of group that interests you. I do understand what you are going through and I know I may sound trite but sometimes just little things can make a big difference. I think perhaps (and quite naturally) you are missing all that you left behind and are probably feeling sorry for yourself. I agree with formula in that there is no shame in returning to New Zealand if that is what you want to do but think that if you do not give UK a fair crack as it were, you may regret it later.

morayeel

Great advice Sarah.. I went back to the U.K. didn't give it enough time at all. My emotions were a roller coaster. One day I loved it, next day I hated it.. I thought I was prepared emotionally and I wasn't and I came back to the U.S but now planning my trip back to the U.K. I like it in the U.S but can't see myself with no healthcare over here and I work 2 part time jobs and they don't provide healthcare etc. It's a lot to go through and sometimes you have to I think give it time and not panic.

windsong

I think that you have to make sure you are in a place that can provide you with the items on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs wherever that might be - the roof over your head, the clothes on your back and the food on the table. Everything else is extra. As you said, you are working two part-time jobs and have no healthcare which is a basic need. Good for you in deciding to go back again.

Englishmaple

Genie3 - have you been to the Citizens Advice Bureau and explained your situation to them and asked for some help and advice? Would really encourage you to do this if you haven't already done so. At the very least, if they aren't help, they may be able to provide you with links to people who may be able to help.

I have found it a very challenging transition coming back to the UK and I've been back since April 18, have been offered a job (awaiting start date) and have just got a car (I'm living in the South East of UK in Hampshire). I'm also renting a room (I'm 50). So I would say on paper I have a lot going for me but emotionally it's been very up and down.

You sound like you've got a lot more on your plate so be kind to yourself - and it's not a mistake if you learn from things and then subsequently decide, in the light of what you've learnt, to change direction again. I haven't ruled out moving back to Canada at some point (which is where I moved from).

As well, you have the issue of your parents. I purposefully chose not to live close to my family. I am so grateful for that decision. I thank God daily that I made that decision! It was one of the most sane and sensible decisions I ever made!

Family can be a big stress, especially if they are not supportive or kind or have their own agenda (I know this first hand and have experienced since I got back too). So I would, if you can, shelve the idea of moving back until you have a place of your own and believe me, I know how hard that is to get (I live in rented accommodation in a situation I would far rather not live in but rents are so high here that it's my only option at the moment).

When I moved back, I set myself a few short goals. Get a roof over my head. Get a job. Get a car (if I needed one). And then see how the job goes. See whether I can change my accommodation situation .... and all these things take time. It took me 6 weeks to get a job and I thought that that was fast. You've been back less time than me - give yourself a bit more leeway.

If you can, and I know it's difficult with no money, try and do some stuff that will help you take care of you and give you a bit of space - the daily walk suggestion that someone else posted is a good one to start with.

Is there a public library in your area? Can you join and go and visit it - even an hour a day in a neutral space can help a bit. My landlord's partner is someone I find quite difficult to be around at times - so I go out - to the library, to Costa, for a walk ...anything that works and doesn't cost too much (I'm on a tight budget).

Have you looked at mumsnet? Are there any mums in your area that you can connect with?

Is there a community centre? Can you access that?

Just throwing out some random ideas ... I really hope that things get a bit better for you soon - hang on in there. It is hard starting over again but you had the grit to take the step to come over so you have the strength to figure things out ...

MissBetty

Hi mate I read your post and I really feel for you. my situation is totally different to yours but I can relate to the friends bit, one of the hardest things for me in coming back was so many of them just did not bother with me despite all the encouragement to come back and promises of nights out. When I came back previously on holidays I always made the effort to see them and make plans, I realise now it was very different coming back for holidays than actually being here and expecting them to reciprocate!

I think Englishmaple made some very good suggestions in getting out and about but I know it can be hard especially when you feel down and that you are getting nowhere fast.

Its ok to have a rant, this is a great place to do it as people will understand and provide advice and sympathy. If you have never 'ping ponged' you just don't get it and you don't need judgement now from people you need support.

Hope things get better for you, really I do

Genie3

Well it doesn't get any easier! I have to say first off that I had the great pleasure of meeting Quoll at the weekend and she is a wonderful lady....thank you Quoll for you broad shoulders and wise words.
It seems that everyone is basically running my life for me and my children don't see me as a factor in their lives anymore, the extended family is all smothering them and I can see them now having zero respect for me and basically not wanting anything to do with me. I approached the 15 yrold about returning and seeing out to the end of year 12 (end next yr) and she is flatly refusing to, says she wants a proper family I can go etc etc. Doesn't help that their father returned here last October (without telling them I may add!!) and now they see they have him being the all great dad back in their lives. They forget his disappearing act and the zero support which meant they couldn't do netball etc. I am suffering with depression and she just tells me I no use and ill in the head. I can't split my family up any more than it already has been. She has dropped all contact with her NZ friends and refuses to talk to me about it other than to talk at me and point out my failings. I can't see a happy solution here at all. I wish with everything I have that I never made that stupid emotional decision and brought those bloody tickets. I've ruined so many lives.

Englishmum

Oh you poor thing!
She is being a typical teenager (her hormones are raging) and adolescents certainly know how to 'push your buttons'; they are typically selfish and it's 'all about them'. They would probably be showing similar traits no matter where in the world they are tbh.

If it's any small comfort, it is how they are trying to learn how to become independent and cutting the apron strings.....they do say hurtful things but underneath they really do love their mum. Honest. Sending you some (((hugs))). You might want to read about other experiences some parents of teens are facing here or share your own:

Teens

or here:

Teenagers | Mumsnet Discussion

I guess you have already seen your doctor regarding your depression? I understand that the best way to deal with it is not just taking Prozac etc. but to also have talk therapy....if you are not getting this, could you ask your doctor to arrange it for you?

Genie3

Hi Englishmum
Yes everything is very hurtful, I was a horrible hideous teen but still showed respect. It seems that now they know I am unwell and have been struggle a while they have lost all respect for me, she is certainly playing the extended family vs me card. Yes I am seeing someone who is helping with talk therapy and medication, there's a lot of baggage to sort through.
It just seems that whatever I do there will be major fall out with someone and I can't please everyone.

windsong

Genie3, so sorry you are going through all of this!

Could it be that your daughter deep down has a bit of a problem accepting this extended family? Sometimes teenagers succumb to what seems to be the stronger party, especially if they are confused. It is an adjustment for your children as well and they might be accepting the easier route "for the present".

Bear it out for a while and see what happens but take care of yourself whatever it takes. No one else can do that.

quoll

Oh bugger! Double mafia really!

You know I didn't have any magic answers! Please don't put yourself down though, you've had it very tough!

Hoping for a solution there somewhere!

Genie3

LOL Quoll!!! Yeah it would seem they are everywhere!! We know the closet mafia on my side!

Junebug72

I'm sorry to hear this I know how you feel we lived in Florida for over ten yrs and I decided it was time to go home so we sold up went back to England with hubby two kids dog We stayed four months And then came back to Florida as we found it really hard to earn money and the weather things you forget about lol in hindsight we should have made more of a effort and stayed our daughter also 15 settled into school in England loved it has been very angry On coming back to Florida so what we are going to do is Wait and see how things go and probably in a little while go home but it isn't easy as what we forget when we live somewhere else for a while we as people change we aren't the same people we were before when we lived in England and what we forget also is if we were so happy why did we leave I've come to realise everywhere has good and bad things and you have to bear this in mind