CalgaryPete

I moved back to the UK in March after 14 years in Canada. Moving back hasn't made me any happier and hasn't resolved the uncertainty I had over where to live. This is unexpected.

The practical side of the move went according to plan, with no surprises or significant problems. I was prepared for things like traffic and rain. What surprised me was that the things I had been looking forward to, including hiking in the Lake District and visiting family and friends have not felt as rewarding as I expected. I am hoping this may change as we become more settled, particularly when we get our own place with a garden for my dog, Nyla.

During the last few years in Canada I sometimes felt envious seeing other people getting on with their lives while I struggled to decide whether to stay or leave. Looking back, I now think that if I had put the time and money that I spent planning and preparing for moving back to the UK into building a more complete life in Calgary, the overall result might have been as good as, or better than, my current situation.

I undervalued the things we already had in Calgary. We were settled, we had a home, good dog walking, daycare and nice weather. Instead of appreciating those things, I focussed on the things we didn't have. Now that we have those things, I find I am focussing on other wants, some of which are things we had in Calgary! The pursuit of happiness is starting to seem unwise, like chasing a rainbow. Instead, I think I should try to to adapt to and accept situations, appreciating what we have and making the most of it.

I am not unhappy, and there have been times when being in the UK helped. Leaving family, in Devon, to return to the place we are renting in Lancashire is far less upsetting than it was when we were living in Canada knowing we would not see them for another year. Even so, there have been days when I considered moving back to Calgary and building a more complete life there. I still haven't ruled that out, although I think I ought to see the current plan through and give us more time to get settled in the UK. One difficulty is that buying a home of our own would make us feel settled, but it also commits us to staying in that location and I don't feel ready to do that.

Snap Shot

Oh, sorry. Curse of the expat strikes again ? Not happy where you were, not happy where you are.

I apologise if that sounds like a criticism, it wasn't.

I am concerned that should we return to Britain, will it solve anything ? Will I hanker for my overseas life. One thing I can see coming is that I will miss home and that will be the home we had overseas, in my case, New Zealand.

That is only until we make a home for ourselves in Britain. I missed our old house in Britain terribly when we moved to NZ. That was until a few months after our arrival and we purchased and settled into our home.

Wombat7

Sorry to hear you are conflicted. But good weather?

CalgaryPete

i think I could actually be happy in either country. But I persuade myself that I need one more move before I can settle down and live happily ever after. So even now, I am considering moving to the south west of England or back to Calgary. At least this time, staying put in Lancashire is also an option.

I think, for me, settling in a location that is good enough is a better strategy than seeking some ideal location.

Are you a satisficer or a maximizer? | Gretchen Rubin

CalgaryPete

Thanks! After years of walking with my dog Nyla twice a day -15C is no problem. I never complained about the cold in Calgary after being in Saskatoon one January. I'm not sure exactly how cold it was because my thermometer stopped at -30C and it was well below that. I still think it's easier to dress for cold than for rain. Long johns and a snood are the secrets.

Wombat7

As a ex-Torontonian, 15 below was pretty bad - but relatively balmy for Calgary. Really appreciate your post, it is one of the most thoughtful and thought provoking ones that I have read around here.

Your dog has an interesting name, same name (but different spelling) as a good friend of mine who is Lebanese.

CalgaryPete

I recently found this short TED talk about making difficult choices. It's worth watching more than once, particularly the insight about reasons for choosing one option over another which is about two thirds of the way through. It seems like a more personal way of deciding things like where to live than an impersonal list of pros and cons.

Ruth Chang: How to make hard choices | Talk Video | TED.com

dunroving

Sorry things haven't settled for you, Pete. Your posts and threads are always interesting and informative.

I think the curse of the expat falls under the category "maximizer" - we want it all, and we want it now! (seriously, I think maximizers find it very difficult to accept compromise, or situations where everything isn't perfect).

I can identify with some of the thoughts you have expressed. I think I have finally come to the point where I can accept that things are what they are and they'll never be perfect, or even close to it. There are still a lot of things that could do with fixing or being different but until I retire there isn't much I can do about it.

I liked the response from one of the posters on the Gretchen Rubin page you linked to. I have pasted his(?) reply below:

"I'm a maximizer and will research every option before buying something. This can be maddening (to me and others), so, to combat this, I impose limits, say, a dollar amount I can afford, a deadline, or a location (say, a mall). This seems self-evident, but having those limits in my mind limits my options and allows me to make a decision, since I only have to chose between, say, 5 things rather than 100. It helps."

- This is a great strategy for managing expectations of perfection - limit your options and find the best out of those available.

between two worlds

Very interesting, Pete.

I too am a maximizer, it's hard, I know I have to accept sometimes when things are not perfect.
I think I am learning to distinguish between deep-seated needs to make me feel like myself--eg moving back to UK or at least spending more time here--and little wants and desires that are not really as important as all that.

Also, maximizers do find it hard to rejoice in the status quo. Always dreaming about how to make things better and underappreciating what we have in the now (speaking for myself).
I know that this is not the path to contentment and as I grow older I am really trying to combat this tendency. Modern trends tapping into ancient wisdom--eg mindfulness--do help with this (if practised!)

Reading your post, I am thinking two things:

a. Moving to southwest England, one of your ideas, might really help. You still feel pangs when you leave the family members there. Lancashire is closer than you were before, but still quite a trek.

b. Having one's own place is hugely helpful in feeling less transitory and more settled.

….so….think about having your own place in s-w England?

sallysimmons

Sorry you're having a difficult time.

I must admit when I read that you might move back to Calgary and then work to build a full life there, I thought 'why not save the money and hassle and build the full life here in the UK?"

Not because I'm being flippant, or voting for the UK as better, but because you obviously don't feel either place is perfect, and because it sounds as though you're doing the same thing here as you did in Calgary .... not fully living life because you're thinking about another alternative.

I have a tendency to focus on the negatives in personal relationships and I've found it very helpful to spend time every day thinking of the good things, the things that make me feel grateful. It sounds a bit corny, but actually it has greatly improved my outlook and my moods. Maybe the same thing is true about where we live?

I wish you well in whatever you decide.

CalgaryPete

It is tempting. I used to live south of Bristol near the Mendip hills. It is a nice area.

CalgaryPete

It's a fair cop! I con myself into thinking I will definitely settle down and get on with normal life but I just need one more move first.

Rosie Lee

It all sounds like a bit of a midlife crisis, far more going on than just living here or there! Buy a house, that will help, put down some roots and then book a getaway somewhere. You always get a sense of home after returning from a holiday.

not2old

OP, well its a tough one & only you know what to do.

Its been 10 mths & by now you'd know whether to stay or ping-pong.

Is it possible to relocate closer to relatives in the UK?

Have you considered a holiday back to Calgary before the end of March this year (in the deep cold months) to see if its all that you'd want to move back to?

Again, it will mean uprooting, finding a job, the disconnect etc.

Me thinks you're torn & that as some would say 'you moved back to the UK for a reason & purpose'. I think its best to buy that house & put Calgary behind you.

My two penny worth

Good luck

CalgaryPete

Oh, I like this plan! I have just turned 50 so I'm all set for my mid life crisis.