nvgirl

Hi,

Mine is a familiar story but I was just wondering if anyone feels the same and if it gets any better.

My partner and I became permanent residents of Canada and left for Vancouver in 2006. We both got jobs, bought a house, made friends, had 2 kids but I couldn't settle with having 2 children, no family there and elderly parents back in the uk so after getting citizenship we returned in December 2011. My partner would have preferred to stay in Canada but agreed to return as he knew I was unsettled.

On returning to the UK he managed to get a job back at his old place of work so we moved to the nearest town so he would have a short commute and this is 20 minutes from my family and just over an hour from his. We've been in our new house about a year now. Our eldest is in primary school and I managed to get a job last June 3 days per week.

My problem is that I just cannot connect with people very easily now, I have playdates with the neighbours which is nice but I feel very disconnected from everyone, especially at work, I feel like an outsider. I don't think it helps that I've taken an admin job because I can't get an IT job part time, but I'm stuggling to get on with people there. At playgroups as well I feel ignored. I don't know if it's the town I've moved to as it seems a bit cliquey, everyone knows everyone else so it seems difficult to make close friendships. Also, we came back for family but my partners parents don't make much of an effort and we don't see my family as much as I would have liked. I do see old friends about once a month but it all seems a bit stilted. I should count myself lucky because things have gone to plan really but I've never felt so out of it which really isn't helping my self esteem.

Before we had kids we used to mountain bike and snowboard and when in Canada we had a group of friends into the same things who lived very close by, now we're back it's not as easy finding friends with the same interests which doesn't help, also having a family now we can't do those things as much any way.

My partner feels the same at work as well. I know I should count my lucky stars but I just wondered if anyone else felt disconnected from people when they returned and if over time it gets any better? It seems such hard work being in our 40's and feeling like your starting all over again.

I would love to hear your experiences.

ElizabethK

I think there's a few people on here who have made similar comments regarding friends and family not "being there" in the same way as before.
I'm not sure what the reason is behind this other than possibly their lives moved on when you emigrated.

I must admit that I have seemed to have been able to reconnect with most of my old friends, but having said that I've had to put in a lot of effort to meet up and socialise with them, and as you say, it can be a bit stilted as though you maybe don't have anything much in common with them anymore.

It's a very weird feeling to expect everyone to be welcoming with open arms upon your return, only to find that it's more a case of "oh, hi so you came back then?"

So, I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom to pass your way. But I totally agree, it can be quite difficult to fit in again.

quoll

New country, new start I reckon! I think we returnees sometimes forget that the holes we left in other people's lives have healed over and we may not like the scar tissue that's formed. It's a natural consequence of our actions really. I still have friends in UK from Uni but we don't live in each other's pockets though when we do get together it's like we continue the same conversation. I've made an effort (and for me that's a biggie!) to go out and meet new people with my interests and I've met some gems (going on a girlie day out tomorrow!) but it has been like a totally new start in a new place. I'm encouraged, though, by how easy it's been compared with the challenges of making such connections in Australia. My family is very small but relatively close physically and emotionally

rebeccajo

This sounds awfully more like the transition from the single life to parenthood - than a transition to a new country.

Or perhaps the transition to a new country is compounding the other.

nvgirl

Thank you for your replies, I have also been looking at articles about reverse culture shock and I feel a bit better knowing that it's normal to feel this way.

I think that is part of it too RebeccaJo, before we left we didn't have children so that has also made a difference to how well we have settled, I know that it may take longer than I had hoped before being back feels like home again.

boycegang

I hope you settle- I imagine it's more to do with the fact that your pre parent days were the ones you had in the UK so things are bound to be a bit different. I am hoping to return as soon as possible ( without ex-husband!) with three much older kids but did have them when we left to emigrate to NZ 9 years ago so can hopefully hook up with their old friends too that they have kept in contact with. Hopefully I won't get too much of a shock!

sallysimmons

I have found that my family has less time for me than I might have expected, and that some of my friendships are a little stilted now - but none of this came as a big shock to me. I figure I was the one who upped and left, and they got on with their lives. We've all changed and, during the time I was away, they've all had experiences that I didn't share.

I've focused on trying to build new memories with each of them, so that those bonds start to form again. It's easier with some than with others, but we're getting there.

As for connecting with people, I've found that easier here than in America and have made a few new friends - but again, I had to make the effort and I'm sure that can be hard when you have a child.

I hope you feel more settled soon, but just remember, you wanted to leave Canada because you felt unsettled, and now you feel unsettled here. Perhaps the place isn't the real problem?

Homeiswheretheheartis

I have had the same experience with friendships, in that its been a little harder to get the friendships going again. But I remind myself that as an expat I have hindsight, as in I know how important friendships/connections with people are. I know that they need work and effort and as the one who left I think I have to make the effort.

I know the people I have returned do care about me, but I think they already take it for granted that Im home and making the effort is exactly that 'making effort'. Without the reminder (moving away) of how important friendships are, its easy for people to be a little lazy and not 'make the effort'.

I am trying at the moment to teach my DD aged 10 that you can't wait for life/friends etc to come to you, you have to go out and get it. E.G call on your friends and join the school clubs. Sometimes it may bother you that you have to make all the effort, but whats the alternative, sitting at home watching others have all the fun.

When Im feeling a bit down at the return not being the 'ever second of joy' I wanted it to be, I remind myself on my own advice to my DD:-)

glemo

Interesting to read, I left the UK in 1978, lived in several countries ; now strongly contemplating returning after 12 plus years in the US. Expecting some problems / challenges.

BlubellsInTheForest

I have been in the US for 12 years also and I particularly expect my sisters to not notice I have returned!

salgb

I've been back over 2 years and for me it hasn't become easier or better. I have found people very closed here. They talk about social events and inviting others in front of me, but because I'm a 'newbie', I have yet to receive an invite. People seem to have set groups and don't like including anyone new. In the US my experience was everyone was included - the more the merrier! While here, I can appreciate the old architecture, the spring flowers, the slower pace, the NHS, and hopefully to come - some summer weather. The reality for me is I don't belong here anymore. After almost 25 years in CA, I'm too used to the freedom I felt there. So for me I'll be returning, hopefully by the end of year. I wish you good luck - never be afraid to make the choice to live where your heart is happy.

Perth

Always sad to hear when things don't work out as someone expected. Still, I am sure you are glad you tried - at least you won't be wondering, what if? All the best with your return to the US. I'm sure you'll be much more appreciative of CA when you get back

Englishmaple

Good luck. I think your words about where your heart is happy are really key - people flourish in different climes and what matters in the end is that you are where you feel most at home whether thats in the UK or North America.

NiHao

salgb,

Sorry it has turned out that the UK isn't right for you but glad that it has allowed you to know that CA really is the best place for you and that you are able to move back. Sometimes we have to move to know where we really are happiest. Of course it would be so much more convenient and less stressful if we could just know that without having to go through the move but c'est la vie!

Good luck with everything

dunroving

I have just re-read this thread as well as CalgaryPete's thread on when does it seem worth it and I think for some people, it becomes worth it almost immediately. A lot depends on what you expect and if you expect too much, it will never seem like it is "worth it".

To be honest, I have pretty much given up on certain people here ("back home"). I get more calls, emails and requests and invitations for visits (in both directions) from my US friends than I ever get from people here in the UK. It's now at the point where I am pretty much fed up making the effort as far as some people are concerned. Relationships can't continue long-term when you are having to make all of the effort. As far as some people are concerned I could have died a month ago and they wouldn't realise.

Having spent several hours over the past couple of weeks talking with US friends, I am reminded of the positivity that I miss so much, but for me being in the UK now means I can retire about 5 years early so yes, it is "worth it". I am in the middle of arranging an additional trip to the US in July to spend time with people who appreciate me. But I wouldn't return permanently, for financial reasons.

Sometimes life only seems worth it when you realize what compromises you are willing to make and don't expect perfection.