fulwood

don't ask me why but suddenly felt need to write on this forum. It has been just over 6 months since my beloved brother Dwane died from cancer. How am I coping? I would say bloody awful. Oh I function I work, come home, walk dogs, see grief counsellor, take my meds etc but nothing can replace the pain of thoughg of never seeing my brother EVER again. For those who don't know our story we were raised in an orphanage and family NEVER played a part in our lives. Since day he was born in 1963 he has been my one constant for nearly 50 years. Now he is gone and I feel cast adrift with no anchor. Folks don't say his suffering has ended and in a better place that bloody annoys crap out of me. I know that - I just miss him. What keeps me going is I am fortunate in that I have elder sister not seen in nearly 45 years who would be devastated if I harmed myself. Folks care about me but as I have never loved or cared for myself it can sometimes have little meaning for me. Life in US has had its ups and downs but honestly feel before I give up on this country I may try to live in another part of country. Arizona is worst bloody place I could come to. We have had temps as high as 118 degrees. So that's my story at present - dealing with tremendous grief, crying most days and trying to find purpose in a life without him in it.. Time is a great healer but I'm still obviously long way from that...Forgive me for feeling sorry for myself but we all tell our own stories on here. Know that I have thought of the worst thing that one can possibly do - suicide but know i would never do it. once my friends found out that have all said to call them no matter what time.

So forgive this rather sad, old and pathetic creature as she tries to find some purpose and joy in life without her brother by her side..

J.JsOH

Please accept a hug from me.

rebs

I didn't want to read and move on without commenting, although I know that there is not really anything I can say to make you feel any better

I understand a bit when you talk about the 'end of his suffering' and 'being in a better place' comments ... when my darling mother died more than 20 years ago after a long illness, some relatives uttered those kinds of platitudes including 'I prayed for her die' which I found incredibly hurtful and insensitive. If I was going to have been praying, it would have been for a miracle and that she got better...

I hope that you maybe find a tiny bit of solace simply from being able to write down and share some of your feelings.

Look after yourself and keep going with the meds and the counselling

Derrygal

There is nothing to forgive. You have lost your brother and you are grieving for him which is perfectly normal. It will get better - but it will take time. We all grieve in our own way and many of us (myself included) take longer than others to come to terms with things that happen to us. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

curleytops

Sad, undoubtedly and understandably but certainly not old and pathetic. I see a glimpse of a wonderful human being just in the kind and loving way you speak of your brother and the bond the two of you shared. I know exactly what you mean about some of the annoying and seemingly insensitive things people can say - I heard some real winners after my Mother died and I became very angry and withdrawn. What I found somewhat comforting was to strive to be someone my Mam would be proud of and I say this to you with the sincere hope that it helps you as well. Please just remember to be kind to yourself because heaven knows, you're worth it!

pondhopper2014

I will pray for peace and comfort for you in your grief.

And... (((hugs)))

moi

Try to think about what your brother would be thinking right now. He certainly would not want you to be feeling this way - he would want to see you happy and enjoying things in life - He would hate to think that you were suicidal.

When I went home to England to bury my dad and came back I had a few yanks ask me all happy and chirpy "So how was your trip?" as though I'd just had the best vacation of a lifetime.....you can't fix stupid people.

Karrie72

I'm so glad you posted, please know there are many of us who will listen. It sounds like you really miss your brother.

People do say ridiculous things sometimes and I wonder if it's because they just don't know what to say?

Do you feel comfortable telling us about your brother, what he was like etc?
Sending you a hug and thinking of you...

sallysimmons

Thank you so much for sharing your pain with us.

First, know that many of us (maybe most of us?) understand. You are not sad or pathetic - you are human. We all grieve for those we love and that is not only NOT sad and pathetic, in fact it is beautiful and as things should be.

If your brother had not been a wonderful soul, you would not grieve his passing. The happiness you shared is all at one with the pain you feel now. Imagine how much worse it would be to lose a brother you didn't like, or didn't love. How impoverished your life would be!

I lost my dad 18 years ago at quite a young age. Most people would say 'you must be over that by now.' And mostly I am. But yet I grieve every day for him. He was a wonderful, funny, smart, kind man, loved by everyone he met. How could I not miss him all the time? For a while I also took pills. For a while I cried regularly. Now all these years later I don't need pills and I cry maybe 3 or 4 times a year. And inbetween I experience the joys and heartbreaks and frustrations and excitements of normal life.

The grief intrudes less. Normal life becomes more prominent. But none of it lessens the love we feel for the person who passed. And of course the platitudes don't help - how could they? But when I was deep in grief, I tried to translate the sentiments so that they didn't get me down. I tried not to make logical arguments against "I'll pray for you" (if God is omnipotent, why would he have screwed up and why would asking him be enough to reverse his decision?) and instead translate that to mean "I care for you and you're in my thoughts." I found this helped me as I was able to accept the support and look past the platitudes. I don't know if it will help you, but I mention it just in case.

As far as moving or not moving ... it's hard to say, but the conventional wisdom says not to make any big decisions while grieving. I don't know if that's good or bad advice - I suspect it's different for everyone - but I just wanted to write this post to say that we're with you and that there is NOTHING sad, old or pathetic about you. Quite the opposite actually.

Piff Poff

Your not old and pathetic, you are grieving for a loved one. You are doing something really healthy, your seeing a grief counselor, I wish my OH had done, it would have saved years of depression. My Mum passed 13 months ago, people say it gets easier, I have found the in your face pain lessons but the remebering still cuts like a knife and there are times you really NEED that person but strangely enough life still goes on, you still get up and get on with things and then before you know it another week has gone by. Talk, talk to us about how you feel, cry when you need to too. My cry time is walking my beloved Henry in the morning, we live in the country so im unlikely to see anyone, I walk him before my shower, so my morning routine gets rid of the puffy eyes, contact lenses playing up is always a good excuse though

Sending you a big hug.

Lestergirl

Hugs Fulwood, so sorry for the way you are feeling, it takes a long time to even start to feel better. I haven't been around much ( my user name was charleygirl) but I was wondering have you plans to come back to UK soon.
My mum passed away recently too so I feel your pain. xx

fulwood

I plan on going back to UK next year around April for 3-4 months. Right now is not a good time for me to go especially financially. I can withstand the wait as time is moving so fast. Thanks to everyone who responded and I know we all grieve differently and just felt need to say something. Even now writing this I'm crying. His loss is more than just a brother - its everything as you all well know by now we lived at Harris in Preston for years. My trip next year to UK is one I'm looking forward to but doesn't mean I want have those wanting to self-harm moments. Also my condolences to those who wrote and have lost family members.. Thank you all..

rebeccajo

It must have been wonderful - to have had the gift of a loving sibling. Unconditional acceptance - knowing that you didn't have to prove anything to him. Just being there was enough for him.

It is still a treasure. Even though it seems like it is locked away.

I hope you feel better today. And tomorrow also.

between two worlds

Just to add my words to all the others....thinking of you, sending support.

As others have said, grieving is normal, but it is a good and healthy thing that you are taking the meds and doing counselling. And also have supportive friends who have told you to call them any time. Obviously many people care about you and your welfare. Add us here to the list!

I have a big family so can't imagine your circumstances--until I try to imagine losing all my family at once. Since your brother was all your family, this does give me an inkling of the enormity of your loss.

My thoughts are with you.