Tr1boy

Not sure which bit this should be in so feel free to move it Mods.

Been back for about 4mths now so thought I’d fire in a bit of an update with how things are etc.

So, I arrived in mid Feb, followed Mrs T in mid March. Weather was cold but bright (ish) and all in all I reckon I’ve seen many more blue sky days that rubbish ones. But I am amazed at how quickly the temp can vary from one day to the next, although we seem to have settled into Spring/Summer ‘proper’ now. Lovely day today.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting the right role for the right money, even with 15yrs experience at a senior (ish) level and it hasn’t been but having said that, I’ve been pretty fussy. I was offered a role in Surrey and we’ve moved into a nice little market town which is very pretty.

Bought a car, but alas, not the A3 I was after as Mrs T has confessed she’s too scared to drive a manual again after not having done it since she lived in Korea (15yrs ago!), we had to go for a 2.0ltr auto Ford Focus Titanium, but we got a got a good deal (and no pesky rip off ‘transfer fee as per NSW ).

Riding in the UK has been great as I knew it would be, the car drivers are way more courteous than in Oz and the scenery is stunning (and sometimes wet!). I’ve found food prices to be very good compared to Oz and the quality is better (but we already knew that would be the case). Things like insurances are much cheaper as well. Utilities are much cheaper and broadband and phone packages are laughingly cheap (I get unlimited up and download and unlimited calls to landlines for GBP24 per mth). I have found one thing that is outrageously expensive here, and although the result is better than in Oz it’s still not worth the extra and that is dry cleaning.

I work in Guildford and have found the traffic pretty good when it comes to commuting and nowhere near the horror that the locals describe it as, but I guess it’s all relative. I get to work in about 15 mins over 4-5miles.

Unfortunately Mrs T has had trouble finding work but in a roundabout way it’s worked out for the best as unfortunately her Dad is not so well and due to move into a Veteran’s Village in Seoul, so she’s been over there for about 10 days and will be for another 3 weeks or so.

It’s been great being back and I’m looking forward to my two big triathlons in June and August at the Lake District and Nottingham and it’s great running in the Surrey countryside.

I was a member of a four man team at a running race in Gerrard's Cross that took out the prize for the fastest corporate team (my sister's company).

I have a good job (pay is about the same but living in a quieter area), and am enjoying my training and being home, so, apart from Mrs T not having work (and the fact that I had to move into our new flat on my own!) it looks like all is well right?


Well not really. I don’t know what it is, but something just doesn’t feel right about this whole gig. I don’t feel like I thought I would and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because Mrs T isn’t here or is having trouble getting a job, or if it’s because in Sydney her career was just about to take off after doing so well in her degree and now here, she may have to take a step down and I’m feeling guilty about that?

Something else I have underestimated is what a fine set of scales the ‘neutral country’ makes. I couldn’t stand Oz and nothing has changed there, but I am aware of how much we relied on each other and what a neat little ‘unit’ we were. To be fair that may still happen here as Mrs T hasn’t been in this flat with me at all so we haven’t lived as our little 'unit' in the UK yet.

But something isn’t right. Britain is all I would thought it would be and more, but there’s something missing. I’m not really connecting with the place, and while it’s a lovely place to be, it doesn’t feel like ‘my’ home. I’m not talking about immigrants or anything like that. I just can’t shake that feeling I get of ‘this’ll do for a while’.

Maybe I’ve just moved around too much for anywhere to be home now? I have no idea why I’m typing this, but it is how I feel. There is definitely something that Britain is not providing and at the same time there’s absolutely nothing I miss about Oz. But there was a ‘lightness’ to our life before, despite Mrs T being buried in study and me banged in hospital and always traveling for work or races that isn’t happening here. Maybe it’s because only one of us sorted? Maybe it's because my family is here? I’m not sure really.

Anyway, compared to what lots on here have to endure I’m sure I’m just being ‘weird’ (it happens a lot LOL).

Englishmum

Hi....I actually think you are going through 'reverse culture shock' - if you google the term you will find lots of info online....here are some reports:

http://www.best-career-match.com/rev...ure-shock.html

http://britishexpats.com/articles/mo...culture-shock/

http://www.expatexpert.com/rr_coming...re-entry_shock

Hope you feel more settled soon....you will certainly enjoy being reunited with your wife shortly!

PS: Are you following or going to the Isle of Man TT races? My B-i-L goes over on his bike almost every year with his mates to watch them.

http://www.iomtt.com/TT-2010.aspx

Tr1boy

I don't think it's reverse culture shock (but could be). I've been here so many times over the years and for 3mths in one go in 06. This bit rings a bell though:

Confusion in role, values and self-identity - not knowing where you fit in anymore.

I'm in a new flat, new city, new car, new job and doing it on my own, so maybe that's it. But this feeling has been following me around for a few weeks now.

Maybe having the ability and willingness to live anywhere, ultimately means you don't end up 'belonging' anywhere either?

Don't know really.

Maybe I'm just drunk?

oops: re the IoM TT, no I haven't been following at all.

ExKiwilass

Could be the Curse of the Expat (sounds like the curse of the Egyptian mummy). Even though you didn't like Oz it will have changed you.

I think part of being an expat is learning to live with a certain amount of ambivalence about wherever you are.

Anyway, I'm glad you've fallen on your feet. Hope things pick up with Mrs T - could be some guilt there for sure, but what's to do be done eh?

The other thing is...you've been looking forward and anticipating this move home to the UK for so long (I used to read your posts). Maybe there's a bit of anti-climax mixed in there too?

Mummy in the foothills

I think it really does take a long time to settle back down and get comfortable with life, I'm sure having Mrs T so far away again leaves things a bit unsettled, you can't really settle down if half the family hasn't even moved herself into the flat really. Hard to get your life and routines going on your own.
I hope she gets back soon and you can both start to get more into the swing of family life.

Wub

Sounds to me that you both lived incredibly busy lives in Oz and each had their own respective interests, goals and challenges. When you give up one life and make another, its a different life.

You're still busy, Mrs T isn't in the same way. You've found your feet. As yet, your wife hasn't. You've achieved all of the practical goals - she's had a few knock-backs.

It takes a strange toll all of this moving around that we do. Its a bit like chasing rainbows....

If I've learned one thing in this ex-pat life that I lead....its impossible to catch them...

ExKiwilass

Right, and at some point you have to stop yourself and remind yourself through clenched teeth that the grass is not greener, the grass is not greener, the grass is not greener...

or maybe that's just me

jad n rich

Agree, nowhere will ever be "all" again.

There will always be 'something' somewhere else.

You sorta envy those people who lived their life in one town and are happy with it My partner has some family like that I find them scary in how 'hick' they are but they are totally happy with it!! Dont know what else there is and dont want to know.

canadaeh

That is completely true. When you have your birth cert from one place, a passport from a different place, your high school report from another place, your Uni degree from another place and work experience somewhere else, you kind start to wonder... where exactly is home?

Tr1boy

I don't want to give the wrong impression. The grass is definitely greener in the UK and in just about every aspect I can think we're better off living here than Oz. But there's a voice in my head that says for us, as a collective, it isn't quite right.

When I started triathlon way back about 11years ago, a friend of mine got into it at the same time. He was truly a great athlete and made me look like I was going backwards All he ever wanted to do was qualify for Hawaii IronMan World Champs, which is a tough, tough ask. Took him 4yrs of hard work to finally qualify for that race and he did it. After that he walked away from the sport citing that it was too expensive to keep trying to qualify and train (approx 15-18k pa with qualifiers and accom etc), but the biggest reason he cited was that he'd reached where he wanted to go. He's never raced since.

I hope that's not what is happening here

quoll

I think we are all touched by the curse of the expat from time to time - it is almost the anticlimax of facing the "is this it forever?" scenario when you have been used to being on the move and thinking of where you will be next. I am sure that when Mrs T gets back to you and you can start to be a unit and making your next adventure work together that things may begin to fall into place - well, I do hope so at least. And count your blessings - you arent still in Australia!!!! (It hasnt got any better since you left and with our local political scene it is getting worse by the minute!)

Tr1boy

OK, thanks for the input. I'm starting to nail it down to a few things but I reckon the problem is one of guilt. I know, even if Mrs T gets a good job here she won't be really happy, she won't be unhappy in the UK but not really happy either. I know she's only here (when she is here) for me.

Now I wasn't happy in Oz and she knew that and has made a big decision to come here.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say as I've had my 10th sleepness night (partly due to this and partly because the kids that live above us are sick and there is much noise in the night ) BUT I think that Mrs T and I have been together with just her and I without family for so long that she has become my 'country' now. (if that makes sense?).

The 'thing' that isn't right is that I'm struggling with the selfishness of us both being here and I'm the only one with a job. I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't make a bigger effort on her behalf in Oz because I'm beginning to realise now that there is a chance that she may end up feeling about the UK the same way I felt about Oz (although she's be too polite to say), and that's not a nice place to be emotionally.

I'd say it was guilt, but I'm not Catholic.

Bijilo123

Well, for all it is worth my solution was to leave the wife behind in Gambia where she is happy and for me to be in the UK. I came back really just to see my father off but managed top get a good job too. My intention was to move to Gambia when he'd died after burning all my bridges and really to retire.

Now it may be a bit longer but we are both happy with the situation and as the kids are being well educated there and they all come to UK for the summer and I go there for the winter. In fact the only one who is unhappy is my work who are nervous that this situation will cause me to leave.

And I am now noticing that I'm really enjoying life - I go XC biking a lot and I live in rural essex so it is literally on my doorstep, I read and go to the pub and socialise and so on. She now has no money worries and is happy managing our farm. My fear is that things between us will not work out but that is not based on anything and it should not stop you from considering her moving back to Korea to work and seeing each other regularly.

Tr1boy

Thanks mate Only problem is it wouldn't be Korea she'd go back to

Bijilo123

....after some thought - makes no difference to the proposal. Nothing has happened.