Go Back   British Expats / Living & Moving Abroad / Moving back to the UK / Back Home

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old Aug 21st 2016, 12:14 am   #1
Concierge
 
spouse of scouse's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2013
Location: Wirral UK
Posts: 6,917
spouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond repute
Default 10 months, time for an update

It's been 10 months since scouse moved back and I moved over.

This might be a bit of a strange update, because I was happy in Perth, WA, and I'm happy in New Brighton, Wirral - so apart from my family there's nothing I really miss about Australia, and there's nothing I dislike about being in the UK. In fact I felt at home here as soon as I arrived. Oh ok, a couple of weeks after I arrived

But there has been one huge surprise, something I'd never have imagined in a million years. Scouse isn't particularly happy here. After years of planning and looking forward to going home, of looking forward to spending time with his one remaining sibling, after being well over the heat of Perth summers, and of being worried for me, worried that I'd miss my family and home - he's the one that hasn't really settled. My mouth still drops open every time I think of it.

At first I thought that was because we're on Wirral side of the Mersey, instead of in his home town of Liverpool. Initially he did look longingly 'over the water', and always commented on how he felt different when we walked around Liverpool city (10 minutes from our home by car, 15 by train).

But he says it's not that now. We've covered most of Liverpool in recent months looking for a buy to let property, and the more he sees, the less he likes. His beloved Liverpool. I really am struggling to understand.

It's also not about missing his (adult) kids, who weren't the best at visiting anyway.

He loves being close to his brother again, they talk on the phone every day, we visit each others houses every few days, we all go out for a drink together etc. So all's good on that front.

He's worked hard on renovating our home here, which he really enjoyed - he's the kind of bloke who always needs to have a project. There's still bits and pieces that need doing, so he's not just sitting around moping.

We have a terrific marriage with a great deal of love and laughs, so it's not that either.

He says he doesn't know what it is, and he's not unhappy, just - nothing. Not happy and not unhappy. And - he's wondering if I'd be agreeable to moving back to Oz in around 4 years..... I can hardly believe I wrote that. I can hardly believe he even said that.

So here I am, 10 months after all the emotional and financial upheaval of leaving my elderly mum, my terminally ill stepdad, my siblings, my friends and the place I'd lived all my life - that sounds like 'poor me', but that's not what I mean, I made the move willingly and even eagerly - and I've made a good life here, and I'm happy. And now it's all up in the air. I feel like crying - and I certainly didn't intend to write that when I started this post!

I think I'll go and have a cup of tea.
__________________
An Aussie wool
spouse of scouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 21st 2016, 4:32 am   #2
In the pink
 
Mallory's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,043
Mallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond reputeMallory has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Wow. I know you must be confused. Would you mind going back - with all the planning, etc?
Mallory is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 21st 2016, 4:36 am   #3
Premium Member
 
Sugarmooma's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 17,141
Sugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
It's been 10 months since scouse moved back and I moved over.

This might be a bit of a strange update, because I was happy in Perth, WA, and I'm happy in New Brighton, Wirral - so apart from my family there's nothing I really miss about Australia, and there's nothing I dislike about being in the UK. In fact I felt at home here as soon as I arrived. Oh ok, a couple of weeks after I arrived

But there has been one huge surprise, something I'd never have imagined in a million years. Scouse isn't particularly happy here. After years of planning and looking forward to going home, of looking forward to spending time with his one remaining sibling, after being well over the heat of Perth summers, and of being worried for me, worried that I'd miss my family and home - he's the one that hasn't really settled. My mouth still drops open every time I think of it.

At first I thought that was because we're on Wirral side of the Mersey, instead of in his home town of Liverpool. Initially he did look longingly 'over the water', and always commented on how he felt different when we walked around Liverpool city (10 minutes from our home by car, 15 by train).

But he says it's not that now. We've covered most of Liverpool in recent months looking for a buy to let property, and the more he sees, the less he likes. His beloved Liverpool. I really am struggling to understand.

It's also not about missing his (adult) kids, who weren't the best at visiting anyway.

He loves being close to his brother again, they talk on the phone every day, we visit each others houses every few days, we all go out for a drink together etc. So all's good on that front.

He's worked hard on renovating our home here, which he really enjoyed - he's the kind of bloke who always needs to have a project. There's still bits and pieces that need doing, so he's not just sitting around moping.

We have a terrific marriage with a great deal of love and laughs, so it's not that either.

He says he doesn't know what it is, and he's not unhappy, just - nothing. Not happy and not unhappy. And - he's wondering if I'd be agreeable to moving back to Oz in around 4 years..... I can hardly believe I wrote that. I can hardly believe he even said that.

So here I am, 10 months after all the emotional and financial upheaval of leaving my elderly mum, my terminally ill stepdad, my siblings, my friends and the place I'd lived all my life - that sounds like 'poor me', but that's not what I mean, I made the move willingly and even eagerly - and I've made a good life here, and I'm happy. And now it's all up in the air. I feel like crying - and I certainly didn't intend to write that when I started this post!

I think I'll go and have a cup of tea.

He seems to be suffering from the expat "I belong in no where land" syndrome.
It's quite common to want to be somewhere so badly and then when you're there you're restless.

Give him time mate. It was all a big life change, he may feel more settled soon.

Is it possible to schedule a trip back to visit soon? He might need that to remind himself why he wanted to leave.

Chin up. It will all fall in place eventually
__________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Sugarmooma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 21st 2016, 4:44 am   #4
Lt Col (Retd)
Premium Member
 
Pulaski's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2001
Location: Dixie, ex UK
Posts: 42,888
Pulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond reputePulaski has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarmooma View Post
He seems to be suffering from the expat "I belong in no where land" syndrome. .....
Some combination of that and "you can never go back", which is probably the wisest thing my mother ever told me.

Memories inevitably become rosy - and the negative experiences fade. Mrs P loves to tell people how she loved living in London, and that she'd not mind going back - yet most of the time she was there she just bitched and moaned.
__________________
As quoted in the Grauniad.
Pulaski is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 21st 2016, 12:06 pm   #5
scot47 
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 6,544
scot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond reputescot47 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Your feelings reflect the fact that exiling people (banishment) was a terrible punishment in the classical world. Even when people come back after years away they feel uprooted.


You have to learn how to live with it. I am still trying - five years after returning to my native land after a lifetime working away.
scot47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 21st 2016, 2:05 pm   #6
Perth 
BE Forum Addict
 
Perth's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: Back in the UK!
Posts: 2,332
Perth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Wow, not what you expected, is it? I do think it has a lot to do with the expat curse of not feeling at home ANYWHERE. I expect that will happen to me too, and I am doing my best to get prepared for it. On the other hand, it has been said on here many a time that it can take up to two years to settle. Maybe looking at life there in 4 years time gives you both a more than reasonable amount of time to decipher whether a return to Oz is best for you both. In the meantime, do take him with you next time you go for a visit. Thinking of you in this confusing time, whilst raising my cup of tea to you. Scouse has hit the jackpot with you
Perth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 22nd 2016, 4:33 pm   #7
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: May 2012
Location: South Bucks
Posts: 1,600
feelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond reputefeelbritish has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Wow I also did not expect this! I also did not expect me to feel not quite settled either! I was the catalyst too. Read my new thread about upping sticks and looking for a retirement place! We have these dreams in our heads and the reality is so much different. Hang in there, I hope he eventually settles but don't even think about going until you are a citizen this time! Sending lots of hugs xx
feelbritish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 22nd 2016, 7:52 pm   #8
elonii 
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 111
elonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond reputeelonii has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

I'm back from Aus 18 months and it is my Kiwi husband who is happier here than me. He moved to keep me happy! Hopefully it is just a time thing, but I totally get the "I belong nowhere" feel that Scouse is having. Hope he feels better soon, these international marriages aren't straightforward eh?
elonii is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 22nd 2016, 11:59 pm   #9
Concierge
 
spouse of scouse's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2013
Location: Wirral UK
Posts: 6,917
spouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Thanks very much for your very sensible, helpful and encouraging posts everyone.

I hauled Scouse off for dinner and drinks so we could have a proper talk about it all. I brought up the 'curse of the expats' subject and he was surprised - not because he hadn't heard of it before (he knows quite a few people who have been in the same boat), but because he didn't twig that this was what he was feeling.

We both felt so much better for having talked it through properly. No answers/solution of course, it's too early for that. What we've decided to focus on for now is doing some different things, instead of just following the same old daily routine that we did in Australia.

Not sure how we got from that to both of us enrolling at the University of Liverpool to study Italian, but we did and we're really enthusiastic about it!

Cheers again for the comments, it was a very useful starting point for our D&M. For someone who's never even looked at BE, he's quite a fan of it
__________________
An Aussie wool
spouse of scouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 23rd 2016, 1:54 pm   #10
Perth 
BE Forum Addict
 
Perth's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: Back in the UK!
Posts: 2,332
Perth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond reputePerth has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Good on you for taking up a language! Just doing something different together is sure to make things look brighter. Let it settle down a bit but keep the conversation going - maybe in Italian this time
Perth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 24th 2016, 12:59 am   #11
Somewhat confused!
Premium Member
 
Vitalstatistix's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Gulf Harbour, Whangaparaoa
Posts: 6,006
Vitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Yikes! I do feel for you SoS. But great that you have discussed it and that you are working through it together. Italian hey? I'm fluent in Italian.....Spaghetti, Prosecco, Orvieto, Frascati, Pinot Grigio

I worry that I'll be exactly like Scouse when we eventually return.
__________________
I fear only that the sky may fall on my head tomorrow, but as tomorrow never comes......
Vitalstatistix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 24th 2016, 12:59 am   #12
Premium Member
 
Sugarmooma's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 17,141
Sugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
Thanks very much for your very sensible, helpful and encouraging posts everyone.

I hauled Scouse off for dinner and drinks so we could have a proper talk about it all. I brought up the 'curse of the expats' subject and he was surprised - not because he hadn't heard of it before (he knows quite a few people who have been in the same boat), but because he didn't twig that this was what he was feeling.

We both felt so much better for having talked it through properly. No answers/solution of course, it's too early for that. What we've decided to focus on for now is doing some different things, instead of just following the same old daily routine that we did in Australia.

Not sure how we got from that to both of us enrolling at the University of Liverpool to study Italian, but we did and we're really enthusiastic about it!

Cheers again for the comments, it was a very useful starting point for our D&M. For someone who's never even looked at BE, he's quite a fan of it
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perth View Post
Good on you for taking up a language! Just doing something different together is sure to make things look brighter. Let it settle down a bit but keep the conversation going - maybe in Italian this time

Please don't take this the wrong way Spouse but I would love to be a fly on the wall and listen to you and scouse with your two different accents speaking Italian
__________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Sugarmooma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 24th 2016, 11:01 pm   #13
Concierge
 
spouse of scouse's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2013
Location: Wirral UK
Posts: 6,917
spouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by Perth View Post
Good on you for taking up a language! Just doing something different together is sure to make things look brighter. Let it settle down a bit but keep the conversation going - maybe in Italian this time
Great idea to converse in Italian - in two months we might be able to order a beer from each and direct each other to the nearest loo.
__________________
An Aussie wool
spouse of scouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 24th 2016, 11:04 pm   #14
BEVS 
BE Site Lead
Administrator
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 30,001
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
Great idea to converse in Italian - in two months we might be able to order a beer from each and direct each other to the nearest loo.
Pop on over to the Italy forum and hit Lorna for help , hints and tips.
__________________
BE Site Lead.
For help, problems and issues. Please feel free to PM or email me. You can also use the contact form.
BEVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Aug 24th 2016, 11:04 pm   #15
Concierge
 
spouse of scouse's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2013
Location: Wirral UK
Posts: 6,917
spouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond reputespouse of scouse has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: 10 months, time for an update

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vitalstatistix View Post
Yikes! I do feel for you SoS. But great that you have discussed it and that you are working through it together. Italian hey? I'm fluent in Italian.....Spaghetti, Prosecco, Orvieto, Frascati, Pinot Grigio

I worry that I'll be exactly like Scouse when we eventually return.
At least you'll be forwarned VS, if that's any comfort

You're quite fluent there - just need to learn pizza and Peroni and you're all set
__________________
An Aussie wool
spouse of scouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   British Expats / Living & Moving Abroad / Moving back to the UK / Back Home


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT. The time now is 12:22 am.


Powered by vBulletin: ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
© 1999-2010 BritishExpats.com