Choccie

Hi all

Well son and I have been back in UK for nearly 10 months and hubby for 5.

Thought I would do another update to share experiences. Hopefully it doesn't turn into a huge ramble. Hubby is now working ( short term contract) but isn't feeling all that settled. It was very hard for him to leave his old job in NZ and I think that is stopping him from accepting being back here. I didn't have a job to leave behind so do not have those feelings.

My job is extremely hard work so I am busy looking for something else.

Son is now settled at school and is making friends and getting stuck into his studies.

Our eldest daughter is now back in NZ in the town we used to live. She is missing us as it is only now that she is there without us. Hubby was still there when son and I left. She then visited son and I in UK then had all the excitement of going off on her own adventure to Perth.

I guess what I am struggling with most are the enormous feelings of guilt that I am suffering from. I am happy to be back but, that I guess, has been at the expense of hubby's happiness. I feel guilty that it got so bad that I just couldn't carry on in NZ even though my family would be split. She hasn't come out and said it but I know my eldest daughter blames me for taking her Dad away. I've tried my hardest to make it all ok for everyone and I don't think I could really do anymore.

I suppose I have had longer to get used to being back but I felt at home straight away. Hopefully hubby will get there in time. If not I don't know what the answer is. I can't stand the thought of him being unhappy but equally as things stand at the moment I can't see myself living back in NZ if he really can't settle here.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas and all the opportunities that we have to get out and do and see things here but find that everything is tinged with that bit of guilt.

I would love any feedback from people feeling the same.

Spacecake799

Hi Choccie,

Well you know our daughter is also in NZ and never thought we would leave. My husband is perfectly happy here but I love it and our son is also settled at school.
I think once we had left it made our daughter realize how much we actually did do for her and has made her grow up more and do things for herself.
I chat to her everyday on viber which really helps. Remember your daughter was old enough to decide to return to NZ. She can come back here. It is very hard and I do feel guilty but we had to return for us.
That said our daughter and her bf arrive here on the 21st Nov until February and im just going to enjoy it as much as I can!
Good Luck

Amaike

Hi I realise some time has passed since last October when you wrote this. The issue of one partner being unsettled in a place is so tough. We were living in UK but my OH hated it so much that after many years of me digging my heels in, we finally moved back to Australia 12 months ago. I knew I didn't want to go but convinced myself I was doing the right thing for the family as a whole. Now it's me who is unhappy (I was right all along that I didn't want to move) but my OH feels no similar guilt towards me and my depression, and he is insisting on staying.

So you have my sympathy that it's so difficult when 1 person is unsettled and the other is happy. How are you faring now?

BEVS

and you have my sympathy for being between a rock and a hard place.

My husband is not like that. Even though I am unsettled and have been for the past ten years, he says he would go to the moon if it helped me. He is actually very settled in New Zealand and it is that which stops me from simply saying that we give the UK a go.

I suppose that all comes down to giving for the other.

I'm sorry to read your OH is not thinking of you at this time. Perhaps you need to think what is best for you. Life is very short to be unhappy in a place and to feel unsupported by your own OH with that.

Amaike

Thanks BEVS. With children in the mix I know I am here for a while whatever happens - like many others I am getting on and making the best of it, hoping the international heartache will ease over time. Sydney has plenty of positives, it's just a tough change after London.

NiHao

I'm sorry your husband has such a selfish attitude Did you have an agreement about what would happen if you moved to Oz for him but ended up wanting to return? Did you agree on a trial period or was the move always meant to be a forever move?

Not to add more stress to your situation but I would think long and hard about the fact that if you continue to stay in Australia, your children will build their lives there and you may find that later there is no option to return to the UK with them as they are settled and you have to face living your whole life in Oz to be near them (and grandchildren) or returning to the UK without them.

You didn't want to come in the first place, you have found your concerns about moving were right. I would get working on the exit plan sooner rather than later because it will only become increasingly difficult to return to the UK for a multitude of reasons.

Would your husband fight you on taking the children home to the UK? Would you be able to support yourself if you left?

Sorry to sound so negative it's just that we have several BE members who have had similar situations and waited it out only to find themselves stuck once their children were grown up because leaving meant leaving alone. To me it is also a huge red flag to the state of the relationship if your husband is happy to just ignore your feelings and depression.

Good luck with everything and maybe you will come to love living in Australia but if you really don't see that happening then get a plan set up for returning soon.

Amaike

No agreement unfortunately, I spent a lot of time in Australia when I was younger so thought I could like it again. Have now met a few school mums who are in similar situation actually - having liked Oz on previous stint, thought they could make a go of it only to find it's much harder and they feel a pull to home.

Having looked into all the legal angles on this, there is no way I can return to UK without my children. And you are right about the red flag.

My consolation is that my children all have British passports and like many young people will want to spend time in UK/Europe when they are older. I also have a huge extended family in UK so if I do go back, it will be to join them rather than be "alone" - mindful of course that they will all be busy with their lives so I'll need to get busy with mine.

Do you know stories of people who have successfully moved back after long years away? There seem to be a few on BE.

Choccie

Hi Amaike

Things have improved since October. Hubby has a new job lined up working for an old friend - a complete career change but he seems to be really looking forward to it.

I am trying to not feel guilty anymore and consider myself extremely blessed that he made the move for me. I do feel for you - please don't do what I did and leave it so long that you make yourself ill. I often think that if I had spoken up earlier we would still all be together as my eldest would have had to come with us. Although I think it would have been harder initially to get them all settled.

I am now moving to the children's ward (still at the same hospital) so am very much looking forward to that too.

Take care x

Son has now passed his GCSE maths and is on track with his English too so has managed to adapt very quickly to a new curriculum.

I still miss my eldest daughter but we can now Skype and she is hoping to come and visit later this year.

Amaike

Glad to hear things are looking up for you. I wonder if your eldest will move to join you in time. That would obviously be ideal.

There is nothing I can do to convince my husband sadly. His parents are in their seventies and he would rather be near them in their final years than make a move back to uk. It's a case of him having his own valid point of view and me having mine. I just tell myself that I will go back to uk eventually even if it has to be on my own. I see from these forums that others have made the difficult move back after a long stint of waiting - I figure I have to give myself that hope. It's just a case of determination and proper planning.

NiHao

We will be going back after 20 years in the US so hoping that we will be one of the ones it works for

There are definitely people on BE who have settled happily in the UK after many years in another country, SallySimmons springs to mind. Understandably a lot of the returners don't post much once they have made the move but if you search the Back Home forum etc. you will often see posts about people's initial impressions upon returning.

Sadly I have seen several posts that are similar to your situation and the person never does move back to the UK (despite really wanting to) because they can't leave children and maybe grand children behind whose lives are completely settled away from the UK.

You don't say how old your children are so I don't know what kind of time scale you are thinking of waiting out but obviously the longer it is the harder a return becomes.

It is such a difficult situation when one person really wants to return and the other really does not. If you stay together then one of you is always going to be unhappy with where you are

How old are your children and how do they feel about Oz versus the UK? Are your parents still with you, do they live in the UK or Oz?

It doesn't sound like your husband is only in Oz for his parents, they may be part of the reason but from what you say it sounds like he just really loves it there and really hates it in the UK so no matter what he is never going to return to the UK. He is doing what is best for himself and what makes him happy, which is understandable we all only have one life to live but what about your one life?

It sounds like your plan is to wait it out until your children are adults no longer living at home and then divorce and move back to the UK? How many years is that? Even if you are okay with leaving behind adult children and future grand children what are the implications of waiting with regard to your own employment in the UK, ability to buy a house there, maintain and resume friendships etc.

Would your husband really block you from taking the children home to the UK with you? In reality would he be able to continue with his job and afford childcare for them without you? Could you not come to an agreeable sharing of the parenting whereby they attend school in one country but spend Christmas and the summer holiday in the other? With perhaps a yearly visit from each parent to the other country to see them too? I realize that both in cost and logistics that is not an easy thing to pull off but perhaps it could be done?

I suppose my thought is that you seem very certain that you want to live in the UK and not in Australia and that you don't see those feelings changing and your husband feels the same way in reverse. If your children are teenagers then the waiting game might be the best option you could just embrace everything Australia has to offer and enjoy it knowing in just a few years you will be home and indeed your children may want to return to the UK with you (since they will probably feel more British than Australian) but if they are young then you have a long wait at the end of which you then face moving back alone and trying to carve a new life for yourself back in the UK after many years away.

It's such a difficult situation. Do you feel like your relationship with your husband is really good in general with just this one area of conflict or is this difference of feeling over Oz and the UK one of many areas where you are not "together" in your feelings/POV?

If your plan is to wait it out then divorce and leave for the UK is there any point in waiting to divorce? What kind of relationship can it be where you are counting down the years to leave? If you are going to end up splitting isn't it better to do it now and give yourselves a better chance of each meeting someone else to spend your lives with?

It is easy to talk about leaving but if he is the love of your life maybe it's not just the children you would find it hard to leave behind. On the other hand if the relationship feels like flogging a dead horse maybe call it quits now, whether you have to stay in Oz or not.

I think it would be helpful to have some sessions with a therapist (with your husband if he will attend but solo if need be) so you can talk it over with someone in real life and get an overall perspective on the situation. I would also talk to a divorce lawyer with experience of these situations so you fully understand what your rights would be with regard to custody of the children, even if you can not take them out of the country without their father's consent what would your rights be with regard to access etc. You need to be sure of all the options and what the implications are with regard to when you divorce (IF you were to).

I really hope it all works out in the end in a way that can allow you all to be happy.

michali

I really feel for those whose spouse does not want to move, or wants to move and the other does not. It must be so difficult. I have been so lucky in that my husband and have usually been on the same page when it comes to relocating. When I married him forty eight years ago I knew he would want to return to the Caribbean and so we left the UK in 1969. It was very difficult to adapt but I did and spent 15 mostly happy years there. Then the political and social situation became challenging and he was offered a job in The Bahamas, so we moved there. In 2000, he retired and we made a very impromptu decision to come to England to live. It was easy in those days as he got a visa in about two days! But he wanted to work and could not get any in his field and my salary could not maintain us so we went back to The Bahamas and spent another 15 happy years there. However, at the end of 2013, a close friend died and we realized that, like his wife, we really had no family to 'look after us' in our declining years. When I put the idea of returning to the UK to my husband, he thought I was mad! The rules had changed. It was no longer easy to get a visa for him. I suggested he take his time in the decision to move, or not to. And two months later, he agreed we should at least try to get the visa.

We have been back for eight months now, absolutely love it! It is so nice to be able to see our children and grandchildren more often and we are very comfortable in our simple London life. Most importantly, he has retired and in no way misses the stress of his job over there. Of course I miss friends and the country itself as I was very happy there but life is an adventure and I have appreciated the opportunities I have had to live in different places.

Amaike

Thanks for all your insights. My youngest is 6 so it's a long wait. I am lucky in that my parents are with me - in fact I would not have moved if they weren't here.

The relationship has been so damaged by this split of geographical desire that I may need to bite the bullet sooner rather than later. You are right that my husband is just happy to be "home" and simply won't budge, nor make any compromises re their schooling etc.

I can easily see just how daunting a move back to UK would seem in my fifties and on my own. It's difficult not to get very depressed about it. It also would cause issues for the children to have their parents living on opposite sides of the world.

I have read that depression has gone up tenfold since WW2 because of the breakdown of the extended family and the ease of travel.

Lots of people love life in Australia, ideally I would become one of those and then my problems would shrink. But it's hard to change who we are and let go of attachment to extended family far away.

Basically I wish I had put myself first rather than trying to do the right thing for other people, or trying to save an already-troubled relationship.

Anyway many lessons learned and I have to look forward and get on with it now.

Bnet36

Gosh these are difficult situations. Chin up ladies and remember we are all tougher than we think. I hope it all works out well for you.

Amaike

Thx for the encouragement.

Bnet36

No worries I really hope things work out. Life is really too short.