CatLady1234

Hi there

It is my dream to move to Australia. My sister and her husband and children live there already and have done so for about 10 years.

It is really just me and my mum back here in UK. My mum has my brother also but he is not a great support. My mum also is not in the best of health with high blood pressure. So I'm asking this is it wrong of me to leave my mum behind and move to Oz? I feel like a bad person even contemplating doing this.

Beoz

Nope. Its your life not hers.

A supporting parent will be one who encourages you to follow your dreams. A non supporting parent is one who encourages you to follow their dreams.

BEVS

Oh gawd . What a thing to ask .

A huge amount will depend on how close you feel with your Mum. I'm not talking love here as moving away doesn't mean you don't love your parents. Also guilt shouldn't be a part of it at all.
It's about if a part of you will be somehow missing something inside if you are not physically close with your Mum. Not able to simple be with your Mum .

When I emigrated I left my old Dad . He had my sister and his grandchildren & his friends of course so he wasn't left all on his own. He was not in good health but he was a tough so-and-so so ill-health held him back but did not stop him still living his life . I left for NZ with his silent blessing. He never said one word or did one thing in any way whatsoever to try to prevent me.

It wasn't until I had been gone for a year or so that I came to realise I had broken both our hearts. Lost something incredibly precious to me. That time with my Dad was far more important to me than any wish to emigrate. I had just 5 more years before he died & for obvious reasons - I'm in New Zealand - hardly spent any real time with him . I cannot get that time back , ever.

So you look inside of you & think long and hard about what you hold the most dear .

It is absolutely not wrong that you wish to emigrate to Oz where your sister is. Just please be sure that is what is right for you & once decided have no regrets and feel no guilt.

all the best.

quoll

Neither right nor wrong - can you live with yourself if you do? Some people can and some people can't. Your sister obviously has no compunction about doing so. You have a sibling there for her so you are lucky in that regard, the choice is yours but I'm betting your brother is going to be ticked off that he has to do it all while you are swanning it up on the other side of the world but it's your life and if you can live with it then go for it. Are you eligible for a visa or is this just preliminary thinking?

I'm an only child and we stayed in UK rather than return to Australia from a UK holiday to support my parents - no brainer really, I couldn't have lived with myself if I had deserted them when they needed help. I'm hard hearted but I couldn't do it. You'll know what you can live with.

Edited to say, my parents never expected it of us and I most certainly will never expect it of my kids!

Japonica

No, it's not wrong. I think the PPs have made some good points.

I'm in a similar situation as my brother is the only one close by for my mother, but their relationship is almost non-existent. But then she tends to have that track record. Ours has been rocky over the years, and unless I contact her or put all the effort in to the relationship, there is not much contact on her part.

Her health has taken a turn for the worse these past years and I've ended up going over every year these past three years. She has asked a number of times when we are moving back and I've had to explain that the kids are settled and happy, we like where we are, jobs are good, and we are not moving back, sorry. Guilt shouldn't be a factor. I know that if the situation were opposite, she would not move back for me. That's just the reality of it.

Good luck with your decision. I think Beoz hit the nail on the head.

BEVS

Yes. Until my MIL passed away earlier this year , we were channeling a huge amount of cash and annual leave time into sending him back each year to spend several weeks with her as her mind and body failed & also to give her brother ,who was her full time carer, some respite .

No holidays away . Just this. It was something he really needed to do for himself and for them. Not that his Mother and Uncle were by themselves. His sister lives just 10 minutes away however he still needed to give his care and that was despite the inane hostility from his sister.

johnwoo

Only you can make that decision. After twenty years, I still feel conflicted and guilty about not being there at the end.
Well I'm the elderly parent now, so what goes around comes around.

Amazulu

Emigration from one western country to another western country is basically a selfish act - especially if you are from a close family. But emigration is about you and only you can decide if it is worth it. It's your life. In the 21st century with airfares the lowest they've ever been, most places in the world can be gotten to within a day, skype, facetime, whatsapp, whatever etc nothing is final and done and dusted. Flying across the world is feasible for most western people at least once a year. Speaking to and seeing people anywhere is free

Questions only you know the answer to

Decisions only you can make

Good luck

brits1

I moved with my DD blessing, he still had my brother living 5 mins nearby but I spent the most time with my Dad, we were like "two peas in a pod" and I loved him to bits, it was very hard leaving him and I look back now and think "how did I do it" but I did knowing that my Dad would visit and my brother was nearby and that Dad had a very full and active life as well. Fast forward 6 years and my Mum passed away while I was in Aus which was very sudden and unexpected my Dad did visit us often and it was always wonderful to see him and very sad to say goodbye but we both "got on" with it, he was doing well and so were we in Aus, we decided to return home for various reasons and it was meant to be really as my Dad lost his sight out of the blue 2 years after I returned home and I cared for him even though Dad was VERY independent and stayed in his own home he was just amazing I cannot say I would of coped even half as well. I would not of missed that time with him for anything and when he suddenly passed away to be here was everything to me but that is me, my DH felt the same as both he and my Dad were very close, you have to realise as I did when I left that these things will happen, when migrating you have to deal with tons of excitement, maybe guilt, loneliness at times and some worry and stress, if you realise that's how you might feel and still want to move then go and it hopefully it will work for you as your going in to this move with eyes wide open. Your brother will hopefully step up and help out (my brother did) if your Mum's health is okay she can visit both you and your sister for extended periods. Good luck

moneypenny20

Impossible question with an equally impossible answer really. When we left the Mother put a moment's guilt on my plate which I promptly scraped off. However, we weren't particularly close and both brother and sister were still there(even if they weren't, I still wouldn't have felt guilty) . If you feel strong guilt then it's possibly the wrong thing for you to do. If you see your mother on a daily basis or talk daily and are very busy in each other's lives I can pretty much guarantee that the move won't work. If you see her but don't do her shopping, don't take her to the doctors etc etc etc then it may be a successful move. However, if you feel strong guilt now, you will feel even worse when she dies - Harsh but true. If you can deal with that then move. If you can't, then don't.

Just a thought but is your brother not much of a support because you do it all so he doesn't bother or is it because he's a bit of a dick? Depending on the answer, could make the decision easier.

evets

As per the other responses, I am touched by the responses. I have been in Australia nearly 8 years only been back to see my family and friends twice. The last time, was a shocked how much my parents and friends had aged and how my Dad's health was getting worse.

The last year, due to a major chance in circumstances for me and now I am relocating to Canada. Spending time on this forum and some other expat forums and listening to my Dad, who keeps telling me he is on his last legs. It really makes me wonder about my decisions, my Dad would/does not ever want me to come back to the UK. Thinks this was the best thing for me getting out of the UK when I had the chance. My Dad is not close or even in contact with his two brothers, let alone on speaking terms with my sister who is 30 mins away.

But as you mention, guilt, I am feeling the same sort of thing now myself especially seeing the real changes in my parent's over gaps of many years and not months. Especially now as they are talking about if my mum passes first and how to look after my Dad!

Spending so much time reading so many posts about people's reason to move to Australia and then the reasons for moving back. This is really a tough call for you. If you are feeling guilt now, as time progresses and you see Mum's health deteriorate in the future and not seeing her is only going to make it worse. Hopefully your mum can see the benefits of you moving, not just for yourself but the opportunities for your children.

Others will say it is only a day away to get back to the UK, but the reality is different. For me door to door is around 36 hours and depending on the time of year, can be expensive and if you decide to take your whole family back will be expensive.

You are not a bad person for wanting to make a new change in your life, but I think you and your sister should have a chat about when the worst comes to worst how best to deal with it and maybe start putting in plans of the best you can do remotely before getting back to the UK, and even chat to her brother. That may sound morbid and hopefully not taken the wrong way.

Beoz

Dads do this to their daughters. Mrs Beoz will never admit it but her Dad mentally disintegrates her for living outside the UK. The more he does the more selfish he is in my eyes.

As I said a supportive parent is one who lets you live your live life. An unsupportive parent is one who wants you to live their's

Simple answer

spouse of scouse

Yes. My step-Dad of 40 years died on Saturday night. I knew when I emigrated to the UK a year ago that his cancer was advanced. It was hard, so hard to leave him and Mum.

But what made it bearable was that he and Mum took me aside for a quiet talk the day I left. My step-Dad told me how happy he was that I'd met and married Scouse, and how it gave him so much peace to see me finally happy. Then my Mum took my face in her hands (not usually this demonstrative, my Mum) and told me to always remember that all she and my step-Dad ever wanted was my happiness, and that if I was happy, so were they. I'll always be so grateful to them for this.

Thanks for posting your thoughts Beoz - I think that what you've said cuts right to the heart of the matter.

evets

Agreed.

Beoz

Sorry to hear about your step dad. Glad to hear they were very supportive of your move. It makes life much easier.