Anne4Terry

Great, I'll see if I can fish out couple of BE trolls to put on the barbie. I would think a big pussy like you takes a bit of satisfying

Merlot

My husband is soooooooo pee'd off, his store is £600 off his monthly budget but can customers get parked to come and buy some lovely furniture, nupe. He should have killed that figure on a Saturday.

Why, because in his words "There are a pile of sad saps trying to get into Next for the sale". The have blocked every available car space :scared: He said the sight is disgusting, people are fighting and being rude

Is the world just totally barmy????? Like many of you said, I only shop because I have to and if I ever need clothes I pray to the Big Man that either ASDA or Tesco's have what I want as I guess if I have to food shop, I can clothes shop at the same time. Plus I don't have to try on as the sizes are usually reliable - unless I have packed on some beef

Life is far too short to stuff a mushroom. Off to get roaring drunk and eat take away!

M

suzy

Merlot

Tell your husband to look out next week too. The sad saps will be returning all the sale stuff to NEXT that doesn't fit because the changing rooms are shut on first sale day.

Suzy

Merlot

I daren't

He'll go nuts

M

G'Day

Don't cry sweetheart, the problem is not you, no-one has the right to make you feel this way. I come from a similar sort of situation (only my father was the one who had the major disappointment in me) and it took me many years of therapy to work it through. I used to go visit my parents, drive 100's of km's to visit them, to get there and have my father look me up and down, and, without a greeting tell me "You've picked up weight." or "You're too skinny now." or "Your hair looks terrible." or even worse; "Are you pregnant AGAIN?" My mother would barely acknowledge my arrival before starting to act like I was a small child at her beck and call again all of the time, but never doing anything quite right or good enough to please her. Finally, after years of seeing someone to help me work though my emotions around my family I learnt about something called the "dance of anger" and it all made sense to me. Basically what it boils down to is that my parents had problems in their marriage and with each other which they didn't want to face. In order to have a "common goal" to unite them, they invented a myth about me, I became their "problem child". It didn't matter that I was the daughter who was so terrified of disappointing them that I never did anything wrong if I could help it, I had to become a problem child for them to divert attention from the ever growing problems in their relationship. So basically it didn't matter what I did, they never really "saw" it, they only saw what was needed for them to have a common problem. For years I was so frustrated, it was as if they didn't know the real me, couldn't see the real me. Whenever I did something which they didn't understand they would ascribe reasons to it that had nothing to do with why I did it. And no matter how I tried to explain it was as if they didn't even hear me. When this realisation dawned on me (I was almost 30 when this happened) I sat the whole caboodle down & told them, this is what you've been doing to me, this is how you've been treating me, this is how it makes me feel and I don't need to feel like this. So from now on, if you want to be a part of my life respect me as an individual entity with a life and reason of my own or leave me alone. It was really, really hard, but my family is so disfunctional that it was starting to affect my marriage and family and I had just had enough. My parents didn't believe me off course and tried it on again, so I shut them out of my life for a long, long time. My mother and I didn't speak to each other for two years. I made it clear to her that I loved her but that I was not going to allow her to do this to me anymore. It has taken my father four years to reach the same state of understanding about me. Inbetween they tried all sorts of emotional blackmail through friends and siblings but I had just had enough and although it hurt me, I refused to be taken in by it. I had drawn boundaries for them and me, and they were going to respect it whether they liked it or not.

You need to say it to yourself over and over, until you believe it, that the problem does not lie with you, but with them. I would really suggest you see a very good therapist to help you actually understand the dynamics of your family, of how they project their own dreams and disappointments onto you, of how their constant negativity has build a negative thought pattern about yourself into you and about how it can cripple you emotionally and even physically. I am a counsellor, but I could not help myself, Even though I could see some of the issues, I could not see them all because I was too close to the hurt.

I really hope that you can see some similarities in what I have written to your situation, and maybe glean some understanding from it. I hope that it will encourage you to look in the mirror & say to yourself; "I'm okay. I'm a human being deserving of respect and recognition, trying her best each day. No-one has the right to make me feel this way - not now or ever." And then, get someone to help you draw your boundaries so that you be strong and whole again.

Lots of hugs & good thoughts coming your way.

Juliecabs

Flutterscutter, thank you for a fantastic thread.
I'm a 42 (like to think I'm going on 21 ) mother of 3 teenage kids. I've worked non stop since I was 16. Full time until I had my first child at 25 and then part time since, although at one point I had 7 part time jobs on the go at once. I'm part of an extremely close family and leaving them is going to be very difficult
If you had asked me exactly a year ago what I would be doing in the next 10, 20, 30 years I would have said that I would be doing exactly the same as I was doing then. Getting up, getting kids off to school, working, housework, dinner, bit of TV and then bed. Same old, same old.
A year ago we went to Oz for a holiday of a lifetime and decided that we wanted to move there. Everyone who knows me were astonished that I could do such a thing. How can I leave my family? How can I leave my mates? How can I leave the village I have lived in all my life?
Well, I'll tell you. I can leave my family because they have supported me through all this and want me to be happy. And I'm determined to see them as much as possible one way or another. I can leave my mates because they are more like acquaintances than real friends. I don't see much of them, I don't rely on any of them for anything and I'm always the one to contact them rather than the other way round. I'm the one who has the BBQ's every summer and I'm the one who has the New Year's Eve party every year. None of them bother 'cos they know that good ol' Julie will put the effort in. All they have to do is turn up and get p****d! And I can leave my village because at the end of the day, your home is where your heart is, and mine flew off to Oz last year.
I've let myself be walked over by so many people over the years. To be honest, I haven't really minded because that's the way I am, but recently my In-Laws, who are furious with us for moving away, told me that I was an unfit mother for disrupting my kids education, and that if I could leave my family then I'm heartless. Those words brought me to my senses and I decided there and then that enough was enough. We're not emigrating until the kids have finished their major exams, and if my own family don't think I'm heartless, why should I listen to my IL's.
We're going to Oz whether people want us to or not, because it's what we want. All five of us.
And if events over the last couple of weeks have taught us anything, it's that life is too short. So grab it while you can.

Thank you. Rant over

Julie

G'Day

Justin, you've had some good pointers already. I do sometimes make a lame-duck excuse, but generally I just say - when someone puts me on the spot; " Let me get back to you on that." and then later, when I've thought it through and I've decided I really don't want to do it, I'll give them a call and say. "Sorry, but I really have to say no."

You are not obliged to explain to others how you use your time and energy.

It does also become easier with practice, so try saying it a few times and see what happens.

G'Day

It also keeps the neighbours dogs off your lawn.

suzy

Good for you Julie. I've been making the most of every minute since my mum died suddenly 16 years ago. My mum in law isn't too happy with us going to Oz either but as you said - do what You want - its your life.
I'm loving this thread - by the way I see you are a chocoholic - me too.

Suzy

floss

God, I'm getting SOOOO frustrated - I can't seem to send karma to ANYONE... I guess it's because so many of you guys make sense to me so often!!

Was wanting to say a particular thank you to G'Day - I often think that women on threads like this are so open and generous with their emotional and life experiences, but these recent posts of hers have SO hit the nail on the head.... I have been trying to stop blaming myself for my parents' frustration and disappointment with me and the choices I make in my life, and I "know" that it is all deflected from them... DD once made a fab observation that it was really not about me but about my mother not being happy - that has helped, but the "dance" theory fills in even more of the jigsaw...

Is this as common a problem as it seems to be???? Are our mothers' generation a particularly frustrated and unhappy one?

So virtual karma to all of you, and thanks

All the more reason for the rest of us to peek out from beneath that duvet and take those chances!

suzy

Floss
I've got to know - why do you hate the PTA?

Also see you DONT make cakes. Neither do I - I can't bake without burning. I either buy cakes from our local farm shop and put it on a paper plate with my name on it or get my friend who runs a catering firm to do one.!!!!

Suzy

Anne4Terry

Sent you a pm but get a cup of tea first as it is a long one! Sorry

Juliecabs

Actually Suzy, chocoholic is a bit of an understatement for me. What's the upgrade from that, I wonder?

suzy

Some people would probably say PIG!!!. I'm referring to me not you. I once ate 10 mars bars one after the other for a bet and years ago I ate 22 chocolate mousses. I was having a competition with a colleague and he ate 25. Don't ask. I wasn't even sick but did feel ill after the Mars Bars. Disgusting I know - i try to be a bit more grown up now. NOT

Suzy

Juliecabs

Ah pig! That's the word I was looking for. Thankyou!
If we ever meet we'll have to have a Mars Bar eating competition. Game on!