Supposedwhale

Bit of a long story here, but in short I am 35 male from the UK I met my wife in Sydney in 2012 she is 35 and from Germany, we lived in Germany for approx 2 years before moving to the UK. We always said if the opportunity presents itself we would move to Australia. Recently that has happened, I am a police officer and now WA, QLD and SA are recruiting cops from the UK giving us a lot of choice.

We now have a 3 year old son (so for me the best time to go, he will understand roughly what's going on but he's not in school yet and wouldn't be too disrupted by the change). I started discussing it with my wife and initially she was on board, but now she has totally changed her mind and she doesn't think we should go. She is worried about being so far from the UK and Germany (all our parents are still with us and she is worried as they get older we wont be here for them) she is also worried about the reset on our lives, going from relatively settled (we own a home here with a substantial equity in it and a dog and cat here. We also have some really good friends around us here for support).

She has made some really good points that I cant dispute, missing out on the last years of our parents lives would be awful, as would having our son miss out on that. We also have the issue of me going on to shifts in Aus she will be left on her own with no one around her and no support with a 3 year old.

For me this is a huge deal and I am set on going but I cant go without them and I cant force them to come with me, I am worried at this point no matter what we end up doing one of us will eventually start to resent the other either her to me for pushing it until we moved and she missed the last years of her parents lives or me to her for us not going and then being stuck in the UK for the rest of our lives.

We have tried a pros and cons list and we have tried just talking all the points through but we still end up at the same result her on a hard no me on a hard yes. How have you solved issues like this is there something we can do to reassure some concerns like will it actually be better there than here (everything I read says it will be, is that right or is it skewed) or will our son actually lead a better life?



Any pointers tips or advice would be so helpful.

Cheers.

brits1

Hi, Reading through your post it’s sounds to me you have “it all” already and at a young age ie a partner, child, equity in a home, two sets of parents alive so plenty of grandparents for your child, you even have a cat and a dog lol… all this and your only 35. Seriously what is the pull to Australia, were you “backpacking” at the time? If so that is so totally different to living and working in Australia, your a police officer with by the sound of it none of the roster systems usual police officers have to do (my nephew is a police officer and would love a job without shifts) How did you “end up” in Britain and not Germany? My DH met a workmate (after we left Aus) my DH was working overseas and met an English lad who moved to Queensland with his wife and their 3 children, this guy had moved over with the Army (easier route for a visa) having served with the British Army the family thought it would be “cushy” but he ended up serving in Afghan and a couple of other hostile countries (funny thing he bumped into his old British regiment while over in Afghan) the short stiry is he had never really wanted to move to Aus but he did it for his wife, they are now divorced with this guy mainly living/working overseas and his family get togethers a are very rare. Think hard and listen to each others worries, compromise is a huge thing with friendships and marriages. Good luck

christmasoompa

I'm usually all for going for it, but in this instance I'd stay put. One of you is going to have to compromise, and I'd say in your situation it would be far better if that were you. It doesn't sound as though you have a bad life where you are, so why the desperation to spend a huge amount of money on moving to the other side of the world?

Personally I don't think that moving with a 3 year old is necessarily the ideal time - I've moved with older children and again now with older teenagers (moved to the US last year with kids aged 16 & 18) and I think that's a much better age personally. We moved to the next county when my son was 4 and he was miserable, spent a year asking to go home and wanting to see his grandparents etc - and that was only 45 mins away from them! Now at age 16/17 he's utterly loving the adventure of the move and has totally embraced it. Being younger doesn't always mean that they adapt better and it can be far tougher on the parents with a young child to leave that support network behind when it's most needed.

What if you spend tens of thousands of pounds on moving and then both hate it? It could put you in a very precarious financial situation if you then have to spend the same again to move back. What if she does hate it but then can't move back without her child? What if you hate it and she loves it and then ditto, you can't leave your child behind? I think both parents need to be on the same page for such a life changing decision personally. The only other option is to see if she'd give it a go with a fixed end date i.e. try it for 2 years and then if she's not happy you move back. I think all couples need to have that kind of agreement, we did the same both times we've moved. If either of us wasn't happy at the end of the two years we'd move back no questions asked, and without any blame or moaning. You could see if she'd do that - maybe if she sees it as a 'give it a go' temp move rather than a permanent emigration she might be happier to try it?

What do you think Oz will give you that the UK can't?

Pulaski

I think you already know the answers you're going to get, as you have provided a very detailed analysis.

You're not the first person to post this predicament, not even close, but I would guess that at least 2:1 it's over one half of a couple wanting to return home, and their partner wants to stay, as opposed to your "we planned to emigrated, but my partner changed their mind. If you both have entrenched mindsets then your relationship is likely doomed, as one or other of you is going to feel bitter, and certainly some relationships do fail, mostly commonly when one half of a couple feels so strongly that they leave and go home alone, sacrificing their relationship.

That said, the one thing I would say, that comes up fairly often on BE, and I think most of the regulars here would agree, is that "doing it for your children" is the worst possible reason to emigrate, and very often it is the children who were taken out of the UK "for a better life" who reach 18-22, and decide to go straight back to the UK, even if their parents are settled in Aus/Canada/NZ/US/Spain etc.

Pollyana

Holidaying in Aus is so very different from day to day life, plus Australia has changed a lot, not least regarding rising costs, since 2012.

A few things to ponder:
You want to give you son a "better life" - why/how do you think the move will do that?
Have you looked at the costs of everyday living out there now?
Have you looked at the housing crisis?
Have you considered the fact that most new cops have to "serve their time" out in the sticks somewhere, may be rather a different life from anything you or your wife have known before?

quoll

Simple answer - no, you cannot be assured that it will be "better for the kids". That is usually the silliest reason for moving tbh. It is just another first world country with all that entails - the drugs, the mental health issues, the difficulty getting on the property ladder, the difficulty finding a job etc etc. Moving kids away from extended family has the potential to be less positive in the longer term. Our sons had no local extended family - one 12 hours drive and the other 24 hours flight and both, in their adulthood, hooked up with women who were still close to their extended family - both, as adults, independently expressed their regret at not being closer to "their" extended family when growing up. I was surprised by that because we did try and engage with extended family but visiting was sporadic and we certainly have never fallen out with anyone.

If your wife doesnt want to go, the worst thing you can do is to force her. One of you is going to have to live with their least worst option and at the moment you do seem to have something which isnt broken - dont try and fix it.

Edited to say, I also have difficulty with the "let's just give it two years" thing - that is a recipe for disaster imho. It seems that a lot of (usually) blokes find Australia much to their taste but often the wives want to go home - the goal posts change and the one who wants to leave cannot do it and take the kids - the Australian family law court will never let kids go if one parent says NO! - no matter if that parent is the biggest drop kick out there with the result that many (especially) women are trapped here, desperate to go home but not allowed to take their kids. AFAIK nobody has tried the written contract thing specifying it is for 2 years only then we decide - I doubt the court would take much notice because for them, they are only concerned that one claimant is habitually resident in Australia.

Gordon Barlow

It's too much of a gamble. We on this thread don't know you personally, and we can really only give you general advice. BE members as a whole have wildly different experiences, and backgrounds. Some of us have persuaded spouses to go against their better wishes - some successfully, some not. In your shoes, I wouldn't take the gamble. You have too much to lose.

edmontron

My advice would be to stay where you are now. It’s very difficult to live far away from your parents as they get older. You’re lucky that your wife is happy living in the UK and doesn’t nag you to move back to Germany with her.

Posiepud

Hi,

I am in a similar predicament, two young children (3 & 5), husband is very much on the fence and unsure, but I’m desperate to go.

I’m a Physio, husband is a software engineer.

I understand your pull and frustration.

My question here is more for those who replied, I am curious as to the reasons behind your move? And in spite of the housing crisis etc. (which is also the case in the UK), are there any benefits from living in Aus compared to the UK with a family? X

old.sparkles

Most of those who replied are not in Australia.

Have you been to Australia before?

quoll

Not really. I am in Australia, it is OK but it isnt miraculously better. We stayed because it was the easy thing to do at the time and I always thought the gate was open for an escape but you get to a point of no return - your finances are better because you have lived here longer and built your super up, your kids grow up and have kids here, But on the other hand some of us have kids who have moved away - emigrated back to UK and have zero intention of ever returning so no matter which way you move, you have grandkids across the world. We came because my Aussie husband got a good job offer. We stayed because he kept getting good job offers. We accidentally stayed in UK for almost a decade when we retired and my parents got older and the wheels fell off their wagon - went for a wedding and didnt return for 9 years. Best 9 years I have had since landing in Australia 45 years ago. Personally, I would be back like a shot if I could but the DH is a several generation Aussie and he gave me 9 years there, he wont go back. I have had him for over 50 years and I dont want to train up a new one. Living where you dont belong is soul destroying, believe me, and some of us live here but will never belong, - that would probably be the fate of a reluctant migrant. Your head tells you one thing but your heart is screaming something different.

Do I see a difference between my UK son and my Aus son - yup, the UK one has a good job, the Aus one sort of dropped off the grid. Both have properties, grandchildren in Aus are getting a less rigorous education than the one in UK (year 5 UK is doing stuff that the year 8 Aus is doing!), Aus family dont have enough money for lots of trips anywhere (due to off the grid living) - UK family are always off on weekend breaks within UK and occasionally Europe. UK grandson has a load of after school activities, Aus grandkids cant afford much out of school stuff. UK son wont be coming back to live, as he said - once you've lived in London anywhere in Australia is going to be boring. Aus son would love to go and live in Scotland but with his split family cant afford it and couldnt take the kids anyway. Nothing magical, just mundane.

brits1

Some of us who have replied have lived in Australia and the uk so we have had experience of the moving and being able to compare our lives which could help with info when the original poster sent their thread.

Pollyana

I'm not posting loads of details cos its all on the forum already, but I moved from a pretty good life in the UK to marry an Aussie, a move I quickly regretted. There's a thread on here, years ago somewhere, that says "What do you miss from the UK?" And I simply said "My life".

My marriage didn't work, no-ones fault really, and I spent the rest of my 19 years there longing for each trip to the UK. I loved my job & could never have earned the same in the UK, but its changed over the years, and the way it was heading when I left last year, I knew I couldn't live a half-life any longer.
So I came home, where I'm happy, where I understand people, where I speak the same language, where I have things in common with people, where I don't have to hide from the heat, I may have less disposable income but I can still afford trips to Europe.

Home, where on a wider scale there is a decent safety-net that means families aren't living in tents, where you aren't treated as odd cos you are single with no kids, where the NHS looks after you without sliding in a huge "gap" bill. I have to say that yes, there is a housing crisis here too, but on a rather different scale. You don't have 200 families queueing up to view an overpriced shoebox within a 2 hour slot, resulting in people living in tents and small homes with rents increasing beyond all sense. The rent on my old one-bed, rundown, no-air-con unit wemt up over $100 a week within 6 months of my leaving last March, and that's with a landlord that charges way below market value and hates putting prices up.

I can't really comment on the family thing, though I have my opinions on the differences in schooling, and I know that just about every family that emigrates says "we;ll get a better life, kids will be outside all day". However not every kid wants a sporty outdoor life, some of us would've hated growing up in Aus because of the sporting emphasis, and the hotter the climate gets, the less time you can realistically spend playing outside and lying on beaches.
And the old adage about work-life balance? Ok, so I worked shifts, but I worked with a lot of "normal" office staff with core hours of 8,30 till 5. Increasing numbers started arriving as early as 7am to avoid the worst of the traffic (and we were 10km from the CBD), they would try to leave early to make up for it, but most were still there every night at 5.30, 6, 6.30. One lady's teenage daughters would phone the shift team some nights about 9-10pm and ask us to find her mum and send her home. And she was just a mid-range public servant.

Benefits of living in Aus? Personally it allowed me to work long hours in a job I loved so I didn't have to spend time at home alone in the heat and humidity. If I was doing it again though, I would have forgone some of my early UK trips and used the money to come home then, even though my income would have plummeted as soon as I got home.

old.sparkles

I fully understood that and it wasn't meant to be a slight - sorry if it came across that way.

Those of you who moved to Australia and returned to UK can probably offer the best advice I would think.

Gordon Barlow

Just a reminder... Although the OP's family is split between staying in Britain and emigrating to Australia, he posed a general question that applies to all families regardless of their possible new homes. What applies to Australia as a choice (and Australia is a huge country, with a huge variety of destinations), probably also applies to other huge countries and varieties.