quoll

I do think that mixed Aus/UK marriages are more tricky than both being from one place or the other especially when you are living in the "other" place. Sure, my Aussie DH is the most important person in my life but sometimes (and after almost 39 years of being married to him) the differences between us are huge - sometimes I just dont "get" what he is on about. We had totally different expectations of our retirement!!!

I do think, even in the best of relationships, that you are disadvantaged if you are the displaced one - probably more profound at the beginning of being displaced when you struggle to come to terms with your life in an alien land with all "his" relations, friends, customs, interests being settled and you having to establish your own support networks and accommodate your own interests. You probably do become desensitized to it after a while, in fact I am sure you do, but for many of us in "mixed marriages" we have a long game plan where we assume (often wrongly) that our OH knows what we want out of our lives towards the end, having done the hard yards of raising families and putting kids through school. I do think that often the older you get the more you yearn to return to your roots. I see from the comments on here that these feelings are probably stronger when it is the woman who is displaced - the blokes probably dont even realize that they are displaced

I am back in UK now and I couldnt be happier even though I am coping with a cantankerous mother who hates that I am living in her house and (trying to) organizing her stuff because she is no longer able to do it for herself - she is as miserable as sin (Daily Fail reader) and works at making everyone else around her as miserable as sin as well - it aint working! Even with all that, I now "belong" and havent been this happy for decades. It helps that my DH has bitten the bullet and (God bless him) worked out that I am the most important person in HIS life too and that he needs to be here with me (and he seems pretty happy about it TBH) - the fact that he now has a garden 4 times the size of the one back in Aus is neither here nor there LOL.

When we are young we dont realize the difficulties that come with marrying someone from another culture - and Aus is definitely another culture!!! I am sure that most of us spend decades just getting on with it but for many of us there is a time where it gets too much - putting on someone else's face every morning and greeting the world as if all is just fine and dandy but it gets very wearing when you are doing it year in, year out and the real you wants to escape from the persona you have been forced into.

To the OP, I have actually been fortunate to be in a workplace where, once I had my revelation, I could burst in and tell them I had a count down to escape and apart from some mild ribbing they did know and appreciate where I was coming from - even though my escapes were only going to be temporary as I thought. None of them were in the least bit surprised when I quit and told them I wasnt returning at least for the forseeable future. So, display your countdown with pride!!!

I know that I will have to return to the ar$e end of the world at some stage and I am hoping that my parents (even the mother!) hang out to be centenarians which will give me a good long time here where I belong.

I can only wish anyone who is living in a place where they dont belong, the very best of luck in being able to shift your OHs!

Oh and as to raising Aussie kids - one of mine came to UK for a gap year - almost a decade ago and wont be returning, his life is here, his wife, his career and his house and he is loving it!!! I am surprised because even though he was born in UK he has lived in Aus since he was 6 months old and sees himself as an Aussie - and, ironically, gets ribbed at work for being an Aussie but he doesnt mind, it makes him stand out a bit and he likes that.

Now, fabulous spring day in UK so I will be out and about even with doctors appointments for ailing mum!!!

ozzieeagle

Probably got a point about the Blokes not being so sensative to this displacement thing Quoll.

If I were a gardener, or into as much as your OH. I would find the UK summers an incredibly exciting prospect with the long light hours and the fantastic growing conditions. If he has a Vegie Garden happneing already suggest to him from me that he should enter one of those local shows with the Aus flag flying.... Grow some Pumpkin or Passion fruit or something else with an Aus slant.

Good to hear your happy

I really think it's fantastic that you despite your feeling of displacement definitely seem to put your feelings for your hubby first. I really admire that. More power to you.

quoll

Thanks! It's (as Mr Alexander would say) simples! You cant cuddle a country and when you are old and grey it's a person you want beside you holding your hand not a beach!

elice_in_oz

The above is very true. We solved the equation by moving to a 'neutral' place, although he still has the advantage of the language being his mother tongue. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly happy here for the time being, and I mostly don't mind living my life 'in English', but there are times when I long for the French language and all that goes with it. I also wish my children were more exposed to French so that it would be easier for me to share that part of me with them. It would probably help if the OH made the effort to learn French as well . My ideal place to live would be Québec. I have a dream that both my OH and would feel at home there Will most likely remain a dream for now...
That feeling of 'belonging' is amazing isn't it?
Our children are children of the world. I fully expect one or both of my children to end up in a foreign land. I would never stop them moving away to any part of the world as I did it myself and was fortunate enough to have very supportive parents.
And I can relate to feeling a bit 'shpeshul' when you are a foreigner. It's kind of cool to stand out

KJCherokee

As usual, Elvis got it right!

For home is where the heart is
And my heart is anywhere you are
Anywhere you are is home

Margaret3

chris955

Yes you cant possibly know what it is like until you are in the same situation. My wife has only lived in Australia because it is where i have wanted to be and she quite literally jumped at the chance to go back. It makes absolutely no difference to me or her if someone else thinks this is paradise, it certainly isnt for my wife and increasingly less so for me.

jad n rich

Drug mule


One of my kids, about 10, poor soul cried his heart out from London to Singapore after seeing UK family again. It was totally heartbreaking to watch.

He said a while back it was when he realised he would always be torn, with people he loved on both sides of the world. That made me feel really bad I can tell you

Cheetah7

My nephews have said the same thing, they moved out to Cyprus when they were very young and have said they feel like they dont belong in one country or the other. They speak Greek with everyone except their Mum who isnt that fluent in it.

BadgeIsBack

That's demographics, social factors, though, not race. A mixed-bag marriage... Still I knew what you meant... even if others took it seriously!

(My wife was not born in the UK or Australia and we do fine because we have a lot in common despite geography - its even an advantage because Australia is even a common ground)

Chortlepuss

In the same boat - here for at least another 5 years until youngest finishes school and Uni (although she is doing IB, and is quite brainy so maybe she could get a scholarship......?). Not unhappy here, but realise I want to be with my friends and family and none of us getting any younger. Can't face retirement in Brisbane - and probably can't afford it either.
Spring in the UK doesn't help of course, always a beautiful time of year - flowers, sunlight, decent pubs.... but mostly the chance to be with people I feel closest to. One problem I have is that my husband has a great job here and loves it - but will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.