mavine1

Honestly? It was very tough when I first arrived. My mum has facebook etc...and I got emails every day asking me how I could do this to her, that she'll never get over it etc...I didn't sleep and I spent a lot of my time in a constant state of anxiety. BUT, things have improved massively in the last couple of months. I did however have to get very tough and say that she was being very unfair making me feel so bad when I was here on my own with just my husband and kids as I had no other family I could go to for support. I said that I had to stay strong for my kids and I wasn't going to listen to any of it anymore. I then got a sort of apology and slowly the conversations changed to 'we are doing this today...blah blah'. Yesterday was a bit of a surprise. My sister posted a comment on facebook 'consideration' which I have no doubt is aimed at me. I'm not sure what I have said or done but my mums messages are one word answers so I guess I have said something she didn't like. I want to tell you that your family will get over once the move is made but it is likely to take some time and it's likely to be a bumpy road along the way. My kids however are very happy here and life is good. This is the only dark cloud. So whilst it very tough at times it has been worth it. Which part of Oz are you moving to?

mya77

Your family sound very much like mine. I'm permanently feeling sick and anxious and confused as to what set off a particular episode of being disowned. I know it will only get worse. Dad is becoming quite aggressive (which is unlike him). I know its the best for us in terms of the kids and I'm concentrating on that. I've never retaliated and continue to tell them I love them and hope this will help in the long run. I like you though have made a decision that the next bout of nasty comments or being ignored will mean that I will toughen up and refuse to let them carry on in this way. I can tell the kids are picking up on it and I can't have that. We are going to Perth (hopefully)!

mavine1

Fingers crossed all goes well and keep us posted. It is very hard to make the move when you don't have the support of your family.

Just one last thing; we were due to move last Easter and because my mum had a meltdown I pulled the plug. I told my husband and kids I wasn't ready, it wasn't right and we needed to stay put for a while. (non of this was true it was because of the guilt). What I hadn't anticipated was the reaction of my husband and kids. They were absolutely devastated. To say it put my marriage at risk was an understatement. For a few weeks I wasn't sure we would get through it. (The house was sold and my husband had left his job so it wasn't a case of simply carrying on). My mum was of course very pleased. But it left me feeling resentful and I knew I had done the wrong thing by staying because my family was in tatters. My husband then got a job offer here and there was no hesitation on my part we had to go. I got ignored the whole month before we left and she could hardly look at me the last time I saw her but I had no choice we had to come and I am glad we did. I guess what I am saying is...if you get the urge to put a stop to the move because you are so worn down by the emotional stuff....don't. The impact that could have on your family now is likely to be far worse than what you are currently experiencing with your parents. Big hugs and never feel afraid to come on here and rant. A lot of us have been through the same.

dithering pom

Hi everyone...first post!

Certainly upped my BP slightly reading all this.

We are thinking of making a move to NZ (even further away!) and every time I sit down to write all my pros and cons the elephant in the room in the cons column is how to firstly tell my family that we are taking their little grandchildren to the other side of the world and then what the actual saying goodbye will be like.

My wife is far more pragmatic than I am and points out that a) we see many of them too infrequently and b) we are in our early 50s (which mean the door is soon to close for immigration) my Father, Aunts and Uncles etc will all statistically be gone in the next 10 years then here we are with all our chances to try a life elsewhere down the pan...so to speak.

Not sure of the point of this rambling post other than to empathise with others in their angst.

You never know they might say "go for it and wish us well" but I doubt it!

mavine1

HMMmmm I would start with the 'we fancy spending some time overseas before we get too old' line and see what response you get. Hopefully you will fair better than us! And ask if there were things they wished they had done and hadn't...?

bibblybobbly

I count myself so lucky ,both sets of parents were very supportive. when close family members are showing hurt and anger it must make the whole process so much harder. Everyone knows it is already a very stressful situation even with family blessings. I think that if you (a general you) change your plans,and stay where you are to please angry Parents,Siblings etc,then maybe one day resentment may easily ccreep in. When its too late to go, and wishing you had given it a go but cant, then the situation could easily be reversed, with you being angry and upset with those who stood in your way.

also I have read many many times,how families have moved back to UK due to pressure from their families, but within a month or 2 of being home, things have all gone back to "Normal" as in everyday life,seeing parents once a week etc, and they end up making plans to return to Oz,or wherever else they had moved back from.
There is no easy answer,and I feel bad for anyone in this position. I just think there is so much more to it all than just saying OK,if you want me to stay so much I will.
good luck with your decisions

DaveandLinda

Having been on both sides of the coin so to speak I can understand both viewpoints.

You are obviously still quite young. As you get older family does become more important to you and when children move away, and grandchildren then you realise that your future is not going to be the way that you imagined, hence the grieving process that the family is no longer going to be part of your daily life. I think children need to accept that this is very hard for parents and even though they do want the best for them, it is obviously not going to be without pain for them.

We left the Uk with our children and grandchildren due to OHs job and never really gave much thought to our parents. It wan't till my mum died that I realised the kids had missed out so much on having their grandma around.

Now my daughter is in Oz, and probably my son soon, and it was devastating for us the day they left. However, we are lucky enough to have been able to join them on a parent visa. Grandparents do have a lot to offer familes in the way of support, both physically and emotionally
and my daughter has expressed how glad she is that the grandchildren have some grandparents in their lives.

mya77

Just thought I'd update on our circumstances after all the support and comments I recieved on here prior to coming.
Well we are here! Arrived in May, my parents didn't even want to know the date we were leaving so no goodbyes and we were on the plane with my parents thinking we were still at a friends house (we sold our house and all our belongings went 2 weeks before us). Both my parents and sister refused to attend our party or even have a private party. It's been hard, they refuse to skype, refuse to have any information about where we are living. If I'm positive about our life here I'm asked by dad to pretend to mum that things aren't going well and I'm unhappy?! Being positive makes her unhappy. However if I am upset or homesick I'm accused of 1) making them worry and 2) told "well you wanted to do it"!
I still live in hope they'll eventually be less upset but I feel they always will be this way, certain parts of their behaviour has meant that it's easier for me to stay here and less likely for me to want to return. I'm constantly told "there's no enjoyment in anything anymore" even though they have 2 other grandchildren on the same street! Basically they'll be happy if we come home even if I'm not. Coming back isn't an option seen as they are blaming my husband and refuse to talk to him or acknowledge him. They even say they'll leave his name off any cards!!
In short it's difficult but we are here and starting to settle xx

old.sparkles

I hope things continue to go well for you here, and hopefully with time, things may improve with family

Where abouts have you settled?

GarryP

If, after 12 months of knowledge and 4 months of actuality they are still behaving like this, then I'm afraid I have to say ..... they are arseholes.

It's not just the 'coming to terms' phase that most relations have to go through, this is psychological warfare; the attempt to control your lives to their desires by offensive action.

Keep the door open to them, but make sure they understand it's THEM that have to change - you're an adult, you're living your life, and you are not your mother's play thing (and it's likely your mother that driving this).

Then get on with your life and chalk it up to the aphorism "you can pick your friends, you can't pick your family ..... or sledgehammer them either."

mya77

Thank you, we have settled north of the river in Perth. The kids absolutely love it, have excelled in school, have new hobbies, lots of friends and have had no homesickness at all and never want to return! They were our reason to come to in that respect it was the best decision.

eddie007

That's the only way to "Win" in this kind of situation.....

If you had given in to the emotional blackmail how would the "relationship" been? knowing they could behave like that... It's better that you are all happy than you stayed because of their behavior and always wondered what if and resented them for stopping you...

One day they may come round.... They may not.... The important thing is that your family unit is functional and content.

old.sparkles

That sounds really positive good luck to all of you

RedT

What killed me is that my brother has lived in Australia for 12 years, never got any gip about being away for so longer, he was only home twice in that whole time and all he got was sympathy for finding it hard to settle back to Australia after each holiday!


When I said we were moving my parents were very calm which I thought was weird. Turned out they never thought we'd actually make it (thanks for the vote of confidence there parents!) and so it was only when I phoned home to say I'd booked the flights that they realised we were actually going. My mother is the passive agressive type so rather than have a right old wobbly and get it out of the way, she instead made lots of little comments about whether i'd like the heat and 'sure you can always get a job in a cafe if you can't get a proper one. At least {husband} will be able to get a proper job'!!

She's been fine on the phone since we've actually been here, she now actually seems happy to hear from me and asks how we're doing etc. But when I was home in Feb she didn't ask me a single thing about Australia and my life here! I heard all about everyone who has died/was murdered/kidnapped in Ireland since I left, all about how miserable it is etc (which I can appreciate, I really can) but not even the smallest interest in what our house is like or what we do at weekends etc. My brother was home with me and HE got all the 'isn't it grand that ye have a pool/you're in a band/can take off at weekends' etc so it's almost like he's allowed live there but I'm not.

As someone said, nowt as queer as folk and you rally have to let a lot of the guff just wash over you or you'll end up permanantly on valium...

carolinephillips

Glad you made it Mya.

Leave the angst with your parents behind. Your priority is to your own family unit, and from the sound of it you made the right choice for your kiddies.

Don't let the emotional blackmail get to you, and whatever you do, don't lie to your mother and say you are not happy - just enjoy your new life here.