parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Sep 18th 2012, 2:38 pm
#61
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
It is an awkward situation to be in when parents react like this and I do feel for you all. My parter and I decided to emigrate down under as soon as we came back from our round the world trip. We knew we wanted to go but we had to arrange visas, get jobs to save money and attend some weddings first so we are still in the UK and looking at leaving early 2013. At first we were very open with my partners mum about moving but now we don't mention anything about it. When we mentioned it at first she was very bitter, snapped at us and just went on about what we'll have abroad is no different to what's in the UK. It's a shame really because we would like to talk to her about our experiences (we've already been down under on 2 month holiday) and what we plan to do down under when we arrive but I find myself biting my tongue and thinking "nope don't mention the move, it's not worth the hassle." It's almost becoming a swear word! At the stage we are now we've both had our medicals and police reports so it will be time to apply for the visa soon and then apply for jobs, but we haven't mentioned it for a while. We are not sure whether to bring it up or just leave it. My partners mum hasn't asked anything about it recently so she's either thinking we aren't going any more or we are going and she doesn't want to know. My parents on the other hand seem OK with it. They love travelling and different cultures so perhaps they understand it a little more, who knows!
I wish everyone luck and hope it all works out with letting their parents down gently!
I wish everyone luck and hope it all works out with letting their parents down gently!
Which visa are you going for? Our wait took 19 months.
Sep 18th 2012, 2:49 pm
#62
She'll be right
Joined: Sep 2012
Location: Near the beach, NZ
Posts: 1,498
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
We have to get a medical certificate in order to apply for the visa otherwise immigration will decline the application if it's not received in time. Immigration have informed us that our medical certificates need to be submitted within 15 days of applying for the visa. I am applying to New Zealand on a two year working holiday visa, which should take no more than 2 weeks to process. If we don't send the certificates on time I've heard they get a little cranky, although I believe there is a grace period for unforeseeable problems (delay at post office etc).
Sep 19th 2012, 1:47 am
#63
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Hi Cheetah7,
We have to get a medical certificate in order to apply for the visa otherwise immigration will decline the application if it's not received in time. Immigration have informed us that our medical certificates need to be submitted within 15 days of applying for the visa. I am applying to New Zealand on a two year working holiday visa, which should take no more than 2 weeks to process. If we don't send the certificates on time I've heard they get a little cranky, although I believe there is a grace period for unforeseeable problems (delay at post office etc).
We have to get a medical certificate in order to apply for the visa otherwise immigration will decline the application if it's not received in time. Immigration have informed us that our medical certificates need to be submitted within 15 days of applying for the visa. I am applying to New Zealand on a two year working holiday visa, which should take no more than 2 weeks to process. If we don't send the certificates on time I've heard they get a little cranky, although I believe there is a grace period for unforeseeable problems (delay at post office etc).
Best day ever for us.
Sep 19th 2012, 8:33 am
#64
Still alive
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Posts: 28,994
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Sep 23rd 2012, 6:26 pm
#65
She'll be right
Joined: Sep 2012
Location: Near the beach, NZ
Posts: 1,498
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
I'm back!
Just had the OH's parents stay for the weekend and New Zealand came up. It was generally well received, which came as a shock. My OH's dad asked what our plans were and we answered honestly and his mum said "oh, that's a shame, we wont get to see you." Then we showed them the type of house we would like to rent when out there and showed them where "their" bedroom would be and generally got them involved in the move. The OH's mum seemed a little more OK with the whole thing than before and there were no bitter comments. Perhaps she has accepted it a little more and at least now we can talk about it.
Just had the OH's parents stay for the weekend and New Zealand came up. It was generally well received, which came as a shock. My OH's dad asked what our plans were and we answered honestly and his mum said "oh, that's a shame, we wont get to see you." Then we showed them the type of house we would like to rent when out there and showed them where "their" bedroom would be and generally got them involved in the move. The OH's mum seemed a little more OK with the whole thing than before and there were no bitter comments. Perhaps she has accepted it a little more and at least now we can talk about it.
Sep 26th 2012, 11:16 pm
#66
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Location: Country Victoria
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
I have the same problem but the other way round, having no parents to speak of, my in-laws are my parents.........anyway when we said we were coming to Australia 10 years ago they were very happy for us and with emails, phonecalls and skype we have been in touch almost every week. They have also been here twice and we've been back to the UK 4 times and until the last 6 months nothing has been said other than that they were happy for us, that is now changing and there are comments about us going back to the UK as they are missing us badly, this is making me feel awful as i have a son here and after dragging him out as a 17 year old he's happy, has a job his own place etc and to tell you the truth i don't want to go back i'm happy here. The problem is my husband, i know he feels torn, they are his parents and he keeps mentioning about going back 
and i can't and dont want to.........so be warned they can still get to you even after they said they were alright about it
and i can't and dont want to.........so be warned they can still get to you even after they said they were alright about it
Sep 27th 2012, 1:23 am
#67
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
I have the same problem but the other way round, having no parents to speak of, my in-laws are my parents.........anyway when we said we were coming to Australia 10 years ago they were very happy for us and with emails, phonecalls and skype we have been in touch almost every week. They have also been here twice and we've been back to the UK 4 times and until the last 6 months nothing has been said other than that they were happy for us, that is now changing and there are comments about us going back to the UK as they are missing us badly, this is making me feel awful as i have a son here and after dragging him out as a 17 year old he's happy, has a job his own place etc and to tell you the truth i don't want to go back i'm happy here. The problem is my husband, i know he feels torn, they are his parents and he keeps mentioning about going back and i can't and dont want to.........so be warned they can still get to you even after they said they were alright about it
and i can't and dont want to.........so be warned they can still get to you even after they said they were alright about itYou are happy, your son is happy - might be worth addressing this now and tell your husband how you feel.
Very cruel what they are doing, very cruel indeed.
Sep 27th 2012, 7:02 am
#68
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Location: Illawarra
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Mabye when they hit the ten year mark and it took that for them to realise it wasn't a passing phase or mabye they are just ten years older and feeling more in need of support.
I met someone the other day whose parents have finally got out here on a co-dependency visa. If your life is here, would your in laws move here?
I met someone the other day whose parents have finally got out here on a co-dependency visa. If your life is here, would your in laws move here?
Sep 27th 2012, 7:26 am
#69
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Mabye when they hit the ten year mark and it took that for them to realise it wasn't a passing phase or mabye they are just ten years older and feeling more in need of support.
I met someone the other day whose parents have finally got out here on a co-dependency visa. If your life is here, would your in laws move here?
I met someone the other day whose parents have finally got out here on a co-dependency visa. If your life is here, would your in laws move here?
Sep 27th 2012, 7:48 am
#70
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
My MIL would in heartbeat, but the FIL didn't like it here at all, the first time he came he found it too hot, but MIL loved it and was going to come back for a holiday with a friend, but he didn't want to be left out so he came back and hated it again. I think they didn't think we'd stay here, but we have and the other thing is the son is mine from my first marriage so my husband hasn't got the same pull to stay here.........
I know one thing, if family are allowed to have that much control over us as migrants to the point we move back because of pressure that they put us under, that does not bode well for the future.
I believe if you move back it should be because you both want to and I also believe that if family love and support you, they should support your decision to live anywhere in the world and not apply pressure to make you come back.
Sep 27th 2012, 5:53 pm
#71
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
and my husbands sister is trying the old emotional blackmail. Totally out of the blue if I am honest, but we got a text this morning - 'I hope your life in Aus is what you truly want, hope it is all worth it for some sunshine, do you know you are killing our mum, I couldnt be so selfish, etc, etc. It really hurt my husband who rang his mum straight away to make sure she was OK (I said I would pull the plug on the whole thing if he felt so bad about his mum as I know how it feels to be torn). Anyway, his mum, although very upset, confirmed that she wants us to go, thinks its best for us all, and although it is hurting her in no way would she want us to change our plans. So now we are left wondering why on earth his sister has reacted in such a way
Nowt as strange as folk!
Sep 27th 2012, 10:01 pm
#72
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
OMG Betty, what a horrible text!! Good on your hubby for calling his mum, I'd have been a bit of a coward in that situation, scared to call in case it was true and I ended up even more torn.
My Auntie whose son had already lived abroad for a decade commented to me one day that sometimes you have to let them go for them to come back. Don't think he had any intentions of returning but just goes to show she was still hoping after all that time.
My Auntie whose son had already lived abroad for a decade commented to me one day that sometimes you have to let them go for them to come back. Don't think he had any intentions of returning but just goes to show she was still hoping after all that time.
Sep 27th 2012, 10:27 pm
#73
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Problem is now with the UK economy the way it is for some it wouldn't be that easy to go back apart from your Aussie money would be worth more.
It's okay if you are younger with a "job in demand" but it wouldn't be easy for us now in our 50's to get a job or even to reset up our business over there. Probably would be easier once we're pensioners - what a thought!
I think in the initial years they think it's just for a trial but then once you get to the 5-10 years then you've got a life over here.
My Mum's dropped a few remarks recently but I think it's because we've not been over this year.
It's okay if you are younger with a "job in demand" but it wouldn't be easy for us now in our 50's to get a job or even to reset up our business over there. Probably would be easier once we're pensioners - what a thought!
I think in the initial years they think it's just for a trial but then once you get to the 5-10 years then you've got a life over here.
My Mum's dropped a few remarks recently but I think it's because we've not been over this year.
Jan 24th 2013, 10:20 am
#74
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
We made the definate decision in May to start the process to pack up and leave for Perth. Always knew my parents would be devastated but didn't expect this bad. We are very close (speak on phone daily, visit weekly, always spend Christmas and kids birthdays together). Does seem a lot more on our part though tbh, they have the kids for a few hours here and there but no trips away or overnight for example. Having said that they do worship them and know everything they do and how they are. All I'm getting told is how they won't cope, its making them ill etc etc. They believe that me choosing a new life means I'm selfish and don't love them because apparently if I did I couldn't do it. After saying initially they
had to cut ties now as waiting for d day is torture we have progressed to carying on as though nothing is going to happen!! The A word is banned! I permanently feel sick and hate that they think I don't love them (told them how much I do), they cling to the kids like they are dying (they say its no different to if they were). They refuse to think about using skype etc as its "like here's what you could have but can't" how did others who have gone though this deal with it and what would you have changed if you had time again? I also worry that I'll forever blame myself and destroy our new life if they end up ill after we leave! Right now I feel like turning my back on something I really want through my love for them. I know I need to be selfish but worry I can't be when it gets closer and I see how bad they are. Help please from anyone with these experiences xxx
had to cut ties now as waiting for d day is torture we have progressed to carying on as though nothing is going to happen!! The A word is banned! I permanently feel sick and hate that they think I don't love them (told them how much I do), they cling to the kids like they are dying (they say its no different to if they were). They refuse to think about using skype etc as its "like here's what you could have but can't" how did others who have gone though this deal with it and what would you have changed if you had time again? I also worry that I'll forever blame myself and destroy our new life if they end up ill after we leave! Right now I feel like turning my back on something I really want through my love for them. I know I need to be selfish but worry I can't be when it gets closer and I see how bad they are. Help please from anyone with these experiences xxx
Jan 24th 2013, 10:45 am
#75
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Re: parents an emotional wreck, tips and hindsight needed please!
Hi mavine 1, sorry to hear about your mum. It astounds me that our parents can't understand or deal with our decision to leave yet treat us like this. I know I couldn't do this to my kids!. We aren't there yet, been accepted just waiting for police check and medical. The house hasn't yet sold but we have parties interested so hopefully contracts will go through and we can leave asap. Things are the same with my husband dad. They refused to speak to me from boxing day to new years day and said some horrible things (the usual, I'm a disappointment, selfish, can't love them and the latest.... I don't care about my kids if I take them away, that I can't put up with!). They still don't want to know anything and say they only want to know the date we leave 48 hrs before. As if that's doable when they live 5 min away!! How is it affecting your life down under. It still worries me that I won't cope.
