mya77

We made the definate decision in May to start the process to pack up and leave for Perth. Always knew my parents would be devastated but didn't expect this bad. We are very close (speak on phone daily, visit weekly, always spend Christmas and kids birthdays together). Does seem a lot more on our part though tbh, they have the kids for a few hours here and there but no trips away or overnight for example. Having said that they do worship them and know everything they do and how they are. All I'm getting told is how they won't cope, its making them ill etc etc. They believe that me choosing a new life means I'm selfish and don't love them because apparently if I did I couldn't do it. After saying initially they
had to cut ties now as waiting for d day is torture we have progressed to carying on as though nothing is going to happen!! The A word is banned! I permanently feel sick and hate that they think I don't love them (told them how much I do), they cling to the kids like they are dying (they say its no different to if they were). They refuse to think about using skype etc as its "like here's what you could have but can't" how did others who have gone though this deal with it and what would you have changed if you had time again? I also worry that I'll forever blame myself and destroy our new life if they end up ill after we leave! Right now I feel like turning my back on something I really want through my love for them. I know I need to be selfish but worry I can't be when it gets closer and I see how bad they are. Help please from anyone with these experiences xxx

quoll

They're grieving and doing it the only way they know how. How their grief progresses will be up to them. They may cut you out of their lives or they may work out how they can make the best of it with visits or whatever.

As a grandparent with grand kids on the other side of the world I don't think that much of Skype either and tend to avoid it. My grand kids don't much enjoy the process either - the baby doesn't have a clue why she is talking to people in a box and the big one has lots of other things going on in her life which take precedence.

There isn't a magic answer really. Perhaps if you tell them you are going for a couple of years to try it out they will get used to it. Otherwise you just have to work your socks off so you can take regular trips back to see them - I tend to think that if you are the one doing the leaving then it is up to you to maintain the connections if you value them although a lot of people don't agree with that.

Good luck with it, you do have to be very hard to get through all the emotional baggage.

mya77

Thanks quoll a reply from their side very much appreciated. Id do anything to ensure they remain a huge part of my life as they are now. Was it you that left or your family? And either way does it get easier or am I kidding myself? Thanks x

NATIONAL-VELVET

I second the "It's only temporary" idea. It will soften the blow and then, once you've been out there a couple of years (and assuming you don't want to come back), tell them via email!! (just kidding).

Sounds like they're trying to play a bit of emotional blackmail. They don't respect your decision and are trying to make you feel guilty for putting your family first. You're not being selfish - selfish would be sacrificing your family's (potentially better) future for the sake of your (unwarranted) guilt. You're a grown up, they're grown ups. They must know what it's like to want the best for your child(ren). Explain that you're not doing this to hurt them, you're just trying to make the best decision for your family and your future happiness. If it doesn't work out then you'll come back and they can say "I told you so" and immerse you in their smug righteousness. But you have to at least try, or you'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you should have tried it. Could the grass have been greener? Should we have given it a go? Etc. Plus, if you change your plans for your parents then you may come to resent them and blame them for your life not working out the way you feel it should have.

Best of luck and remember - you're not responsible for someone else's emotions or health - their reactions to the news are THEIR ultimate choice.

Anita x

PS - I don't mean to sound harsh and uncompassionate - if my kids were ever to emigrate I'd be totally devastated. However I hope I'd be selfless enough to respect their decisions and not send them on a guilt trip. Parting is bad enough, but parting under bad circumstances and with bad feeling is unthinkable. Make the last few months (or however long you have) with your parents as positive as possible, so they have something good to hold onto whilst you're away :-)

abi31

I'm quite hardcore - but I would suggest you ignore their most negative reactions ('it's making us ill', 'you're so selfish' etc) and just continue to express your love for them, let the grandkids see them etc and say to them, quite calmly, that if they continue to emotionally blackmail you and yours that you may have to be the ones to break off contact - as it is also difficult for you and for your children (if it was happening to me I'd be worried about how their negativity was affecting the children and how it may prevent them from embracing the adventure like they need to to help you make it a success).

On a side issue, I agree with Quoll in maybe lightening the load by just saying you're only going to try it for a while and there's a good chance you'll come back to the UK - that would hopefully stop them seeing it as the end of days and once you're gone they will hopefully get a little more used to the idea.

Good luck

Krums

We decided to move to Tasmania in January 2012. After deciding ourselves we wanted to go we sat down with my parents and explained about the situation. Even though my parents were fine with the decision, the thought that we are going to be on the other side of the world still overrides everything. Missing us and the granddaughter hurts a lot them a lot. Since march 2012 we moved in with them so that they could spend as much time with us before we go. We bought our parents an iPad and taught them how to use Skype in order to be able to talk to us whenever they want to.
For me it's going to be difficult as the move is next week and I can't get the guilt out of my head that if something happens to them while I'm there, will I be able to live with it. Theyve told me that while we are there to try for our rights and possibly plan for them also which I will do so that we can be there for them again.

mya77

Thanks folks, all the things you say I know but I did start to worry that I was indeed being selfish. It is nice to hear that others would feel the same as I do. It has nothing to do with how much I love them, its awful for me too but I have this opportunity now and if its not now its never. In fairness to them none of this is in front of the kids. We are (hopefully) hiding all this from the kids and they see our calm happy side with a mummy and daddy excited for a new life (not sure if it makes it harder for my parents when they hear them excitedly chatting about it though?!) xxx

mya77

Good luck Krums, its fantastic that you were able to spend so much time together before you leave. I would like to do the same but it appears that they would prefer less time so its not as much of a wrench. I know exactly what you mean over your fears and there is no answer. A good friend said to me "it would happen if your there or not" but its how much you torture yourself that's the real issue. I really hope all goes well for you xxx

carolinephillips

Your parents are the selfish ones, not you. You have had some good dvice from others on here- don't let emotional blackmail hold you back from your decision.
If they succeed in stopping you, it will make you resent them. To be blunt, they have had their life and have raised their child, now it is time for you to do the same. You cannot hold onto your children forever, they have to have some independence and make decisions for themselves. My daughter is looking at universities, and may even study abroad. If she chooses to leave, I'll back her up, no matter how much it may hurt me for her to fly away.

Don't get swamped by the guilt into making a bad decision- you will have let the bully win- and emotional blackmail is a form of bullying.

Bermudashorts

Our parents only wished us well when we moved to Bermuda (only Mr BS's dad & step mum left when we went to Australia). So I always find it very hard to even imagine situations like this, although I know it happens as I have read it so many times.

The temporary idea is good, it will give them time to get accustomed to the idea. And I think you need to start ignoring the negativity comments and try not to discuss it any further, other than to confirm your decision.

What worries me is the comment that I have quoted, you sound very close and are moving to the other side of the world. I don't think that you can expect that your parents will remain as huge a part of your life as they are now. That is one of the sacrifices you have to make when you emmigrate, things won't be the same and you do need to understand that for your own good.

emmaosh

I left the UK for Melbourne at the end of 2006 only on a temporary visa, my mum especially clung to the thought that i was coming home. After 2 years when i had to inform them i was going to stay longer and apply for residence it hit the fan, my mum stopped talking to me. Finally after about a month she began to talk to me but it took a while for us to have a normal conversation again.
After 2 more years i applied for citizenship and thankfully was succesful because i am now living in the UK again! I came back mainly for my family, my mum was ill about 18months ago, it really threw me and even though things were better between us and they would tell me they just wanted me to be happy i knew deep down they hated me being there.
The reality is that in my heart though i still wish i was living in Melbourne. I am lucky that i am single so it is only me doing the moving but even so i am already wondering how they would tolerate it if i went again and think by coming back i have just complicated the whole issue.
When it comes to it you have to live the life you want and they will just have to learn to live with it, they should be proud to have brought up someone who is brave enough to try such a big move. Good luck.

elice_in_oz

Hear, hear!

As far as I am concerned, we do not have children for them to live the life we want them to live. I had children because I wanted to create people who could contribute to our world in whatever way, shape or form suited them. I am trying to raise them so they become independent, principled, happy adults, not so that they can give me grandchildren and/or look after me in my dotage.

I am lucky that I am quite close to my parents although we only see them about once a year. I am doubly lucky that they can afford to come and visit. However, I know that even if they couldn't, they would still have given us their blessing to go. Their 3 daughters (and 4 grandchildren) live in 3 different countries and they embrace that we are all happy with the life we have chosen for ourselves. They are supportive and always interested in what we do, but they also have their own life and enjoy it to the fullest. They have raised us to be independent and resilient and I thank them for that.

Like Bermudashorts, I don't understand parents and families that use emotional blackmail with their children/siblings. What does that say about the real relationship? It strikes me as though they make their own happiness conditional to somebody else's actions and that to me is irresponsible and extremely selfish.

And again, like BS points out, I find (mostly from what I read in BE) that many people have unrealistic expectations of what it will be like to maintain the relationships they had before they moved. If your parents are extremely present in your life now and you are very close to them both emotionally and gepgraphically, it takes guts to move to other side of the world. Notwithstanding how they feel about it, you need to be very strong and resilient to make a success of your move. If their emotional blackmail is working (which from your posts it seems to be), then I question whether you are ready to move your family to the other side of the world and find happiness whatever this new life throws at you.
Good luck.

elice_in_oz

Indeed!

Beoz

Well I guess the good news is that you're not alone. The bad news is it may not get better. A year and a half in, Mrs Beoz's parents are still bitter and despite weekly calls on skype, and a recent visit we made back to the UK the comments and upset still come through. It drives me nuts and I wish they would just let us live our lives, get over it and be supportive. Good luck - I feel for you.

johnknight001

i remember this discussion well, the long silence followed by the how could you take our grandkids away routine, the not being allowed to discuss the A word, looking back it was very childish really, i had a good chat with my inlaws, i remember telling them that we would not go to australia and we woiuld be happy to stay, i then told them that in around twenty years when they are here no more we would have missed our chance to give their grandkids the best start in life and that we would have had to stay in the shit hole we come from. but i said thats all good, as long as your happy. things soon changed, they come around and now visit once a year for a holiday and have even gone so far as to say its amazing and they wished they would have done it as ten pound poms, we skype and call ect, its never easy but it has to be dealt with as soon as possible. good luck.