Native1

It's eight years since I told my sons that we were planning on emigrating, mixed response initially, as the year or so wore on towards the arrival of our temporary skilled visa and imminent big move day, they became more and more reluctant. They were 15 and 16 when we moved, they were unimpressed with everything. Times a great healer.... Sometimes.... They'll love it once they get there.... You wait, once they hit that beach and start surfing they won't look back.... Little did we know!
They didn't love it, they resented every moment, for a good while, they went through the motions in school but as soon as the eldest finished year 12' he applied to uni in the uk and returned on his own.... No big deal, he can live in halls, family can keep an eye on him etc.
In reality, it really isn't that easy... Regardless of phone, Internet skype, and family connections... When it starts to go wrong you are long way away! It did go wrong... But luckily we were able to fly him back here no problem, but he still couldn't settle. So he tried again.... Same result. That's not so bad... At least he is here with us and we can all get on with our lives. Wrong! He has been out of full time education for 6months or more (due to the difference in start of academic year (jan here sept in uk) he is no longer a dependent child he can not be included in your application for a permanent visa.
You have to apply for permanent as your temp is running out.
So apply we did, all good, his was refused... He stayed as an international student whilst we fought the immigration decision to refuse his dependent child status. Last week, we won our appeal case... 3 years full international fees Tafe $37, 500. Legal fee's, appeal costs etc $14,000 = $52,500. Great now we can stay... Doesn't sound too bad I know but it has been a hideous journey and had I known what we were in for would I do it again.... Probably not, don't get me wrong, we have a great life and we all love it here now, but to think that 7 years ago when we arrived we were a happy family of four, mortgage free, I was a teacher, my husband an executive and our children had bright futures ahead of them, since arriving my husband and I have divorced, my eldest son has really struggled to move forward and was unable to complete uni (international uni fee's are double Tafe fees), I have changed careers as I couldn't get a similar caliber senior management education job here, my younger son suffered severe depression (being institutionalised after a suicide attempt). Yes i know all of these things could have happened if we'd stayed in the UK but hand on heart i think the boys would have skipped through uni no problems if we were still there. I underestimated the impact of emigrating on them at age.
I think we are out the other side of it now.... The three of us, all on our own! I can tell you, think long and hard, teenagers still need you to be there for them, you can't be a family if you live on the other side of the world... The decisions you make today will dramatically effect all your lives... And not necessarily for the better, I feel very much alone... And am very aware that I brought unecessary suffering to my sons.. For years!!
Again, don't get me wrong I have a wonderful life here, I have a beautiful house, (now mortgaged to pay student and legal fees)! A wonderful job (not in education), great friends and a really lovely partner (aussie), my boys are again looking at bright futures, but it hasn't been easy... particularly for my sons.
I just wanted to post this because it is easy to dismiss your children's thoughts and reservations based on the fact that hey don't really understand the bigger picture and you know what's best for them.... But do you really? I moved them with the best intentions, but I wish I hadn't, once it all starts going pear shaped you cant turn the clock back, i hear people say... "Well what's the worse that can happen, if we dont like it then we can come back"... Its not that simple, you get to the point of no return and there really is no going back!

Jilliebee

Thank you for sharing your story. Makes you think.

Glad you are finally finding your silver lining xx

alipally

I feel for you, I really do. I know what it's like to have your children on either side of the globe.

Been doing it since 2008... We can't be with them both and be together... it's hard. Dealing with depression and kids 'messing up' whilst they are a 24 hour flight away is challenging, and yet, we still do it.

My boys remain on either side of the globe and presently, OH and I are also on either side of the world... (that's the hardest thing!) one parent each.. it's not ideal, but we're working on being together in the near future!

We make the best decisions we can at the time. None of us have the benefit of hindsight... who would have known that things would turn out the way they have. Don't beat yourself up with coulda woulda shoulda, regrets are a waste of time.. we cannot change the past, but we can live in the present and make the future a brighter place!
Congrats on your Aussie bloke and that you've managed to get PR for you boy now... the future looks bright... (best put on your sunnies!!:thumb up

ozzieeagle

I honestly believe your post should serve as a major indicator for people with teenagers moving away from any environment they are familiar with.

My view is that most teenagers will have incredible resentment at moving away from their peer group, at a time when their peer group is becoming almost as important if not more important to them as their parents are.

I say this as a parent of 4 .... with the youngest now turning 14.

Mine was a simple and easy lesson, watching my 10 years younger brother move from familiar surroundings at age 13 in London to Milton Keynes... he had hell... I watched with empathetic eyes as he fought, and I mean fought, his way to half the life he had back in London. He then became a very different person, in the same league as the Hells angels.... Luckily he settled back down. He is bloody well known in MK now though. It's like going out with a celebrity when I go out with him back there now.

Some ignorantly call it character building.

Based on what I've seen, I wouldnt move my 14YO from this locale in a blind fit.

Everyone is different though.... I just cant believe that people can move teenagers successfully, personally.

jad n rich

Teens present their parents with more challenges than most can ever imagine or anticipate, no parent of a 4 year old or sweet seven year old can even imagine what's to come.

I am in a holding pattern To give them the teen years in one education system, despite the fact its not the best place for me and at times I wake up wondering what the hell am I doing here. The reality of education sobers those thoughts quickly. You suffer in silence too, the ignorant 'fuff off if you dont like it comments amuse me now, oh yes just flit off and stuff up your kids chances in life.

With all best intentions I saw one family emigrate with teens who excelled at school in the UK, 2 years later, they had both quit school and were working in bars and telemarketing. It destroyed the parents the 'better life' dream having wrecked their kids education and future. So sad and probably one of my reasons for the hold mode.

Not the easiest time, teens is it

Dreamy

I did.

ozzieeagle

How did you manage to get them away from their peer group and into one here successfully ?

Dreamy

How did I manage? I didn't do anything apart from give them tools to stay in touch with their former peer group and then threw them into school here.

Obviously the kids weren't fazed or bothered about it - it wasn't anything that I did.

After we lived in Queensland for 2 years, I then dragged them all to NSW - again, they all settled into new peer groups here (especially the then 16 year old)

I think if you're stressed out above moving, or you're stressed out about how the kids are going to adapt, then it can't help matters at all. I'm not saying that this is the case for those on this thread whose teenagers had a horrific time adapting and I'm extremely grateful that my three didn't have any of those issues - but I never imagined for one moment that they would have problems.

alipally

Strangely, moving my youngest (16 at the time) was easy.... He'd just finished his GCSE's (badly) and had recognised that he was in a bad place with the group he was hanging out with... He willingly came along. Got himself a place at TAFE and then secured a bricklaying apprenticeship.... When we went back to the UK... he refused to come with us and stayed.

Every child is different, all we can do as parents is be guided by our knowledge of our children as they grow. We don't always get it right, but nobody is perfect.

ozzieeagle

So they didn't object or raise concerns about moving the 2nd time ?

Dreamy

They kind of knew it wouldn't have any effect

All they were concerned about was the internet availability and how far they would have to travel to school/uni.

Alfresco

We did too! Both of them making a go of it here.

Dreamy

I was starting to think I'd done something wrong

moneypenny20

My eldest was 13 when we moved. Any older and we'd have had major problems with her. However, I honestly don't think it's a move to the other side of the world so much as a move anywhere, even moving 20 miles down the road. Children are humans, they are all completely different. Some jump in and have no issues, others have the hormone overload and are shit but would be wherever they are, others make a decision that they won't be happy and so make it happen like that and others look forward to the move and then can't cope. A parent can have a fairly good idea how their kid will cope but no one knows for sure, you just have to go with a gut reaction and how it will affect the majority of the family unit.

As for not moving because one child doesn't want to, well that is a recipe for disaster imo.

ozzieeagle

I am coming at this from a point of view, where I have a firm belief that at age 14 onwards Peer Groups are the most important things in a teenagers life... right through to the age of 20/21. I reckon peer groups and having good ones are possibly more important than good parenting at that crucial age when they start to venture and take their own responsbilities. Thats why I'm have these strong views about moving them away from their firmly established peer groups. Unless they are in a bad one of course, even then if you move them they are likely to find something even worse, because they are starting from the bottom of the social ladder.