Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Dec 30th 2004, 11:49 am
#331
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by Larissa
Oooh oooh oooh, got another one - scraping the barrel a bit, but here goes!
Play with monopoly money to imitate Aus cash. Restrict yourself to 5 withdrawals a month and charge yourself for going over.
Play with monopoly money to imitate Aus cash. Restrict yourself to 5 withdrawals a month and charge yourself for going over.
Mar 30th 2005, 3:23 am
#332
NO 8 THE LEGEND
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Dyslexia Rules KO
Posts: 1,368
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
restrain yourself from smacking an aussie over the head with a spade the next time he/she says "you'll be right" by counting to ten over and over again.
Mar 30th 2005, 4:01 am
#333
Y Ddraig Goch
Joined: Aug 2002
Location: Body is in Brissie. Heart and soul has long flown home.
Posts: 3,722
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by Lerop Pekill
restrain yourself from smacking an aussie over the head with a spade the next time he/she says "you'll be right" by counting to ten over and over again.
I hate that saying , and think it is one of the worst traits "she'll be right" of some Australians, very sloppy and very dangerous
Pass us the spade
Last edited by Ceri; Mar 30th 2005 at 4:03 am.
Mar 30th 2005, 7:50 am
#334
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Near Duloc
Posts: 4,638
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Hubby's boss (health and safety) keeps saying "No Dramas!", must be another spin on "No worries" but quite amusing. Might not be amusing if someone cops it.
Mar 30th 2005, 8:08 am
#335
Forum Regular
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 134
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by bondipom
Wipe your dogs arse with some bread and eat it. Gotta be better than Vegemite and for that matter marmite or Bovril.
Funniest comment on this thread! My sides are kiling me......
Mar 30th 2005, 8:30 am
#336
I don't re Member
Joined: May 2004
Location: Termite Country (Tanah Merah)
Posts: 1,372
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Gosh! Never thought I would have anything to contribute to this thread until I had some sound advice from an Aussie colleague today. He said:
If your wife is fat, get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the afternoon. She should be at least 42 miles away by the end of the week!
Andrew
If your wife is fat, get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the afternoon. She should be at least 42 miles away by the end of the week!
Andrew
Mar 30th 2005, 10:39 am
#337
Master of verbal pish©
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 22,198
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
prepare for Oz money by sitting a spring in the bottom of your purse. it help if u add a fan to imitate wind 
even better. when selling your house. just before moving out put a small dent in the wall ( not visible to the naked eye) then offer the buyer £1000 off the price of the house. helps get u ready for when you get your bond withheld.
its never happend to me. but ive heard some horror storys
even better. when selling your house. just before moving out put a small dent in the wall ( not visible to the naked eye) then offer the buyer £1000 off the price of the house. helps get u ready for when you get your bond withheld.
its never happend to me. but ive heard some horror storys
Mar 30th 2005, 12:06 pm
#338
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 39
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Its time we had some sensible top tips,,,,,
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
blame.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
irons.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
And finally, dont eat yellow snow.
Tosh
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
blame.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
irons.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
And finally, dont eat yellow snow.
Tosh
Mar 30th 2005, 12:12 pm
#339
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 15,526
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Great thread, very very funny and so much of it is true.
When introduced to a new group of Aussie women, at a social gathering, obviously a bbq being the favourite, If slightly intoxicated, Make sure you find the one with the biggest boobs, and start conversing with them.
If you dont they, the boobs, and the boobs owner will be very very offended and mistake you for a poof.
When introduced to a new group of Aussie women, at a social gathering, obviously a bbq being the favourite, If slightly intoxicated, Make sure you find the one with the biggest boobs, and start conversing with them.
If you dont they, the boobs, and the boobs owner will be very very offended and mistake you for a poof.
Mar 30th 2005, 12:48 pm
#340
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 39
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Some Eglish to Oz transaltions
hello = G'day how ya going, alright ?
friend = mate
enemy = mate
stranger = mate
Englishman = bladdy pommie
woman = bladdy Sheila mate
food = bush tucker
chips = diddly-dink riggety-ri
someone who complains = ya bladdy whinging Pom
Australia = the old land of Oz mate
drink = beer
water = beer
a day when you don't watch Neigbours = ya what mate?
a sick day = wesley weddler
a sick rainy day = wet wesley weddler
not a problem = no worries mate
sausage = snag
someone who smells = wingdy peggler
good = bonza
TV = Round The Twist
money = dollary doodles
jokes = ya what mate ?
cooker / oven = barbie
can of lager / beer = tinny
small mouth = tight little crumpet lips
sports player = bungle rusher
football = Aussie rules mate
toilet = dunny
stupid person = flaming galah
car = brummie brum brum
a day when you don't drink beer = ya what mate ?
getting upset at something = spit the dummy
a tourist = padder
stealing someone's food = swaggie tucker tuck-tuckeridoo
someone sober = ya what mate ?
a stupid long walk in the outback = walkabout
an old man = wrinkly sport
old episode of The Flying Doctors = retro doccie
nice clothes = bib 'n' tucker
chips that have been dropped in the toilet = dunny dip chips
father christmas = clive
wingdy wongdy =..........
The Queen = Dame Edna
The King = Rolf Harris
Stupid hat with corks on = Creggy Konglar
Christmas = Banglar Kanglar Wedgie
hello = G'day how ya going, alright ?
friend = mate
enemy = mate
stranger = mate
Englishman = bladdy pommie
woman = bladdy Sheila mate
food = bush tucker
chips = diddly-dink riggety-ri
someone who complains = ya bladdy whinging Pom
Australia = the old land of Oz mate
drink = beer
water = beer
a day when you don't watch Neigbours = ya what mate?
a sick day = wesley weddler
a sick rainy day = wet wesley weddler
not a problem = no worries mate
sausage = snag
someone who smells = wingdy peggler
good = bonza
TV = Round The Twist
money = dollary doodles
jokes = ya what mate ?
cooker / oven = barbie
can of lager / beer = tinny
small mouth = tight little crumpet lips
sports player = bungle rusher
football = Aussie rules mate
toilet = dunny
stupid person = flaming galah
car = brummie brum brum
a day when you don't drink beer = ya what mate ?
getting upset at something = spit the dummy
a tourist = padder
stealing someone's food = swaggie tucker tuck-tuckeridoo
someone sober = ya what mate ?
a stupid long walk in the outback = walkabout
an old man = wrinkly sport
old episode of The Flying Doctors = retro doccie
nice clothes = bib 'n' tucker
chips that have been dropped in the toilet = dunny dip chips
father christmas = clive
wingdy wongdy =..........
The Queen = Dame Edna
The King = Rolf Harris
Stupid hat with corks on = Creggy Konglar
Christmas = Banglar Kanglar Wedgie
Mar 30th 2005, 6:39 pm
#341
kneading my cushion
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Perth
Posts: 743
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Here's my fav Viz top tip
Pop a mint imperial up your marmite motorway and your farts will smell good enough to eat
We need a word for road that starts with a 'V' so it can be a vegemite joke also
Pop a mint imperial up your marmite motorway and your farts will smell good enough to eat
We need a word for road that starts with a 'V' so it can be a vegemite joke also
Mar 30th 2005, 6:56 pm
#342
Bitter and twisted
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Upmarket
Posts: 17,503
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by webgum
Here's my fav Viz top tip
Pop a mint imperial up your marmite motorway and your farts will smell good enough to eat
We need a word for road that starts with a 'V' so it can be a vegemite joke also
Pop a mint imperial up your marmite motorway and your farts will smell good enough to eat
We need a word for road that starts with a 'V' so it can be a vegemite joke also
Good ol' Viz.
G
Jul 14th 2005, 3:51 pm
#343
is happy to be here :)
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Somerly, Perth
Posts: 4,800
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by jayr
Save all those scraps of soap left over to make one new one. Cheap and colourful too!
Jul 14th 2005, 3:52 pm
#344
is happy to be here :)
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Somerly, Perth
Posts: 4,800
Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..
Originally Posted by Tiawamutu
.....and probably full of pubes
