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Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Old Aug 26th 2004, 12:49 pm
  #166  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Men

In London, when walking down the street , rotate your head 180 degrees behind you every so often, this will acclimatise you to the visual delights of the beach and immediate environs....

BM
 
Old Aug 26th 2004, 12:50 pm
  #167  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Originally Posted by Go Banana's !!
LOL - Excellent

But don't forget to build the walls out of cardboard so you can hear the neighbours TV
Jill
Can you hear them having nookie as well?

G
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 12:54 pm
  #168  
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Originally Posted by Grayling
Can you hear them having nookie as well?

G

Keep em coming, have to admit some of them have escaped me in almost 2 years..
 
Old Aug 26th 2004, 1:12 pm
  #169  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Get your neighbours to pop in several times with stupid comments like "did you know you left your car in the drive not in the garage" and "you are parked facing towards the traffic which is obviously very dangerous" ( in a road wide enough for three container lorries to drive down it side by side ) and "did you know the window is open while your air conditioning is on". This will prepare you for your lovely neighbours in Oz who know your life better than you do.....
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 9:23 pm
  #170  
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Pre record the TV news program and edit out the items such as forgein affairs, political issues etc and just keep the sports news. Also, record some films and instead of pausing the adverts out, cut those annoying film parts out.
 
Old Aug 26th 2004, 10:59 pm
  #171  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

This one's a bit complicated so here's some explanation first. I still can't help but convert into pounds, it just comes naturally. The easy way to get roughly the right number is (based on $2.5=1 GBP) to multiply the dollars by 4 and lop off the last number (i.e. divide by 10). For example $12 becomes 4*12 =48 then divide by 10 = GBP4.80, OK get it? Right now the tip:

Remind your wife that when converting $ to GBP, dividing the dollar amount by 4 is not the same as multiplying by 4/10 (as above). Her $100 haircut did not therefore cost GBP25, it cost GBP40; her new $80 shoes were not a snip at GBP20, they cost GBP32 and her $120 jeans were not good value at GBP30, they cost GBP48 f*****g pounds! You may then ask her if she has been applying the same logic to all purchases for the last two years.
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 11:07 pm
  #172  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Originally Posted by jayr
This one's a bit complicated so here's some explanation first. I still can't help but convert into pounds, it just comes naturally. The easy way to get roughly the right number is (based on $2.5=1 GBP) to multiply the dollars by 4 and lop off the last number (i.e. divide by 10). For example $12 becomes 4*12 =48 then divide by 10 = GBP4.80, OK get it? Right now the tip:

Remind your wife that when converting $ to GBP, dividing the dollar amount by 4 is not the same as multiplying by 4/10 (as above). Her $100 haircut did not therefore cost GBP25, it cost GBP40; her new $80 shoes were not a snip at GBP20, they cost GBP32 and her $120 jeans were not good value at GBP30, they cost GBP48 f*****g pounds! You may then ask her if she has been applying the same logic to all purchases for the last two years.

Oh dear, sounds like a raw nerve screaming
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 11:32 pm
  #173  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

ROLMFAO

I have tears in my eyes, oh god, the sad thing is its all true!!!

Go out late at night and practise doing "donuts" all along the road, preferably whilst revving the engine really hard, i thing they give out prizes for the most perfectly formed circles.

Prepare your family for the delights of an aussie pizza and omit the tomatoe base and replace it with barbe que sauce and layers of tasteless cheese and ham. (and pay out an hours wage for the privalage)

Prepare your kids for the delights of afternoon radio by explaining how your love life can be brightened up by a glow in the dark condom and features such as "what makes a wanker" and "bag me shag me"

Prepare to be embarressed when on late night shopping trips your 10 year old asks, very loudly, "Oh my god, why has that kid got her jarmies on and a dummy in, and she's bare foot" (kid was about 5)

Get all your friend at work in the UK to speak to you in a scottish accent, then say "see, i can do a great english accent, told ya" Times this by about 20 times a day

still lol at this thread
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 11:54 pm
  #174  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Dog lovers, When you overhear a group of men talking about their mongrels, please don't ask them can you see their cute little puppy dogs.
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To be prepare your mind for the back to front seasons, wear jumpers throughout your UK summertime, and T-shirts throughout your winter.
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Learn to show great love for your grass, Mow it at every opportunity, even if it doesn't need cutting.. do this on a Sunday morning as early as possible. Always water it, the best time to this is after it rains.. even better during the rain turn on your sprinklers.
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Get your friends to phone you every evening when you're about to sit down for dinner, and to ask you all sorts of stupid questions. This will be prepare you for the millions of nice telemarketers.
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Get your friends to dress up in suits, knock your door at every opportunity, and to quote the bible at you.

When they have finished doing that ..Get your friends to carry a clipboard and to come back and knock your door asking if you be interested in cable, cheap pizza deals, cinema deals, or phone deals.

After they have exhausted themselves doing all that, get them to carry a pack of dusters, and a money tin .. get them to again knock your door and to try and sell you a mangy duster for $20 for charity.

When they have gone through these three doorknocking games.. get them to do it all over again, and again.


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Organise a mardi gras by getting all your neighbours to dress up in G strings , leather trousers with cut out behinds.
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Ask your local police if they wouldn't mind carrying guns, and then shoot you.Tell them not to worry about shooting you, they won't get prosecuted.
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Go up to a Hells angel and call him a "Bikie" ..lol ( it's so cute!)
Go up to a fireman and call him a "firie"
Call you mates Tommo, or Davo
Smokers: If you want to pop out for a smoke - you should call this a smoko break..
call the afternoon - arvo
... learn the O and E code
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Learn to say no worries, learn to call everyone mate, learn to say See you laters to every Tommo, Dicko and Harro.
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If you meet your Prime minister, call him mate
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At your local pub, start calling larger Beer, start asking for Schooners, midi's and stubbies.
start calling sausages snags
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Paint your dog with big splotches and call him Bluey
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Call all your mates with red hair Bluey
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Get all the local greyhounds to have a dump/Sh*te in your garden, and pretend they are kangaroos ( you've got imagine what a greyhound looks like doing this - think about it !)
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Get one of your friends who has a weird uncontrollable laugh to sit in your trees every morning and evening, and let rip with the laughter
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Start shooting at all the fluffy bunnies in your local pet shop
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Start running over all toads and frogs you see on the roads with your car. After a heavy downpour of rain , get your kids to go and play jump on the toad game outside.. see how many they can squish
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 11:55 pm
  #175  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

To acclimatise to Oz culture, sell up early and rent a flat in Shepherds Bush.

Who needs Ayres Rock? Take a helicopter ride over Milton Keynes and admire the sea of red beneath you.

Practice your Welsh jokes (sorry Ceri) but insert 'New Zealander'.

Drive continuously round London to get used to the pot-holed Outback roads.

Prepare yourself for the flight by going to the cinema and watching the worst 6 films that they have on (if flying BA then take 6 stale buns with you)
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Old Aug 26th 2004, 11:59 pm
  #176  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Top Tip - cut and paste this thread to a word doc, print it off after you tidied it up - put in suitcase and bring with you!

First sign of your new country overwhelming you - come home get out this list and laugh at it, knowing it is all true and other have experienced it before you and emigrating is still worth it - once the smile is back on your face.

Oh a couple of others for road users.

Practice moving into the inside lane and every now and again swerve into the outside lane - practicing for when Sydney roads go back and forth from three to two to three lanes with a 100 yards notice.

Drive as close to the car in front regardless of how much space is on the road or other lanes. Make sure you do it in the evening when dark driving a four wheel so your lights shine directly in the normal car infront blinding them and forcing them to go slower.

If worried about using the car - get a taxi and practice the following

All ways carry a large city/area map book with you or decent directions and practice telling every driver how to get where you are going.

For fun fall asleep when getting back from business trip at the airport and forget to give directions - get driver to take you somewhere you don't know and then have fun getting home from there!

When arriving a taxi rank let three or four peope go in front of you each time as it can take that long to get a driver to want to do your journey.

Phone for a taxi from home and ask for the txi to come an hour after you need it.

Cheers
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Old Aug 27th 2004, 12:08 am
  #177  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Get used to swimming with dolphins- go to Blackpool and cut the legs off a donkey
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Old Aug 27th 2004, 12:13 am
  #178  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Get your kids to bring home a letter with a tear off slip on the bottom giving permission to go on/ do an activity. Put torn off slip in an envelope with their class on it, then fill it with any disposable income that you might have been lucky enough to save for a night out or maybe to spend on yourself.

Do this AT LEAST once a week and for up to a year before arrival
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Old Aug 27th 2004, 12:16 am
  #179  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
Get used to swimming with dolphins- go to Blackpool and cut the legs off a donkey
Also, get used to swimming with sharks - cut the legs off a few rottweilers and chuck them in the water ( this is getting sick now! lol)
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Old Aug 27th 2004, 12:20 am
  #180  
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Default Re: Let's have a ''Top Tips'' thread..

More driving tips:

When driving on motorways and dual carriageways, adjust your speed near sliproads to ensure that any drivers attempting to join cannot do so and are required to come to a halt.

Do not drive safely looking at the road ahead. Instead look at your speedo for half the time and spend the other half scanning bushes for hidden traffic cops.

When the 90Km/h road you are travelling on suddenly changes to 70Km/h, slam on your brakes hard as this is the place you are most likely to encounter a traffic cop, ensure you do not look in you rear view mirror as you do this. Similarly, do not increase your speed as you see the 100Km/h sign ahead, you must wait until your vehicle has entirely passed it.

Prepare for the lack of countdown markers warning of upcoming exit sliproads by drving in the outside lane and cutting sharply across all traffic to make the exit just in time.

In preparation for the lack of a hard shoulder, ensure you car only breaks down at the conveniently provided bays 2km apart.
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