Linz-n-Graham

Hi all,

Looking for some advice. We have been here almost 2 months although it seems a lot longer.....

My son who was outgoing, confident and happy in his school in the UK is very unsettled going to school in the morning, he is 6 and a half and in year 1. He cries and runs after me at school in the morning and sometimes the teacher has to literally prise him from me. Before the winter holidays, the Principle worked with me daily to gradually settle him each morning (we would go to the school office and the the P would take him to class, each day the goodbye from me would be quicker and gradually over the week he became happier and happier).

The first couple of days after the holidays he was again really happy going into class, then suddenly it all started again - only this time he's not just saying he doesn't want to go into school he's also crying and becoming very upset.

I'm so stressed and feel so guilty, I wake up in the morning with butterflies in my stomach because I hate the thought of him being so upset.

The thing is though that when he's actually in school he's really good, has already done most of the work in the UK so is not finding the work hard at all, is in the top reading class, has made loads of friends, and has also been to friends birthday parties and we join other mums and kids for playdates.

When I pick him up he is the happy outgoing boy he usually is and tells me who he's played with that day and what he's been up to, it just seems to be the morning! I try to talk to him about why he's upset about going to school, but he can't explain it and just says he wants to come home with me or he wants me to stay at school with him.

The change for him has been huge, new country, new home, new school and now his little sister is with me everyday as I'm taking time out before getting back to work whereas before his sister went to nursery a few days a week and he went to grandparents house. I'm really worried about him which in turn is making us all unsettled.

Sorry for the length of this post..... I don't know what the best way to handle it in the morning is? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Will it get better?

Thanks,

Linz.x

Amazulu

He'll get used to it

paddyo

Linz, ALL kids have stages where they do not want to leave their mother and go into school, in UK and Oz. It is never easy and, particularly for the Mum ,brings about feelings of guilt and loss.
We had it with our son, similar age, for about 3 weeks earlier this year and it tore my wife apart, I, typical male, just said let it pass and don't let it upset you. But it did upset her and no matter what method she used to resolve it it didn';t work. Then...it went!! He just turned to her one day and said, 'sorry mummy for being upset, I'm ok now and want to go to school'! Little bugger had shattered her mind and emotions for 3 weeks and now it was 'OK"!!
Please try and bear with it and use the 'cruel to be kind' motto, it is only in the mornings and as you say he is fine during the day and when you pick him up. He might be jealous of little sister getting you all to herself during the day, its natural.

quoll

Have a chat with your school counsellor and see if they have any bright ideas.

That said, it isnt an unusual situation when a child of that age has to make major changes and chances are he will grow out of it.

I would suggest the "Protective Behaviours" type approach - ie dont buy in to the screams and all. First off, take him to a doctor to make sure there is nothing physical ailing him (you would feel a dill if there was and you had done nothing about it).

Then try the "Oh I am so sorry you are having this problem, tell me 3 things you are going to do to make things better" - dont give him the answers just keep on probing for him to come up with some suggestions for what he can do to make a difference. Then the next time you get the tummy aches/headaches etc dont overly sympathise or wallow in it just "I'm sorry you are feeling this way, now which of your 3 things did you try? Did they work? what are you going to try today?" then leave the conversation. The more kids twig that this rings your bells, the more they will do it.

the troubadour

It can be a little daunting at first for a youngster in a new country. I guess it comes out differently in the individual child.
Went to schools in three different countries and continents myself and there was certainly issues but mostly time resolves the difficulties.

HelenTD

One of your comments seemed key to me:
His behaviour will probably pass, but it's upsetting in the meantime. Perhaps your daughter could go to some sort of pre-kindy/kindy programme a couple of mornings a week, so that she's not at home with you all the time, letting him know that he's not the only one going to "school" and it would give you a break.

Linz-n-Graham

aahhh..... wise words......

JAMFC

No advice really but just wanted to say hope it gets better soon, very upsetting for you and your son. x

ozzieeagle

Seperation anxiety... our youngest suffered with it badly as well. Not much you can do save invite his friends from school home as often as possible. He has to see and want to be with his friends more than you I guess. Probably help even more if he can actually go back to other kids houses for a while after school, if he wants to that is.

It's one of those "time will heal" things... God knows how long though. Come to think of it our boy was at least 11YO old before he could complete a sleep over at another kids house. We would have to go and get him around 11.30 pm ish... He comes across as very confident and quite assertive in all other areas. His 3 older Sisters had no problems with any of this.

It's hard to fathom their thinking sometimes.

LittleKittyCat

I haven't been through this with our school age daughter, but our youngest was like it for a time with kindy. In her situation, the staff member that she had bonded with got married and went on her honeymoon for a couple of weeks, so when we arrived at kindy, Lindall wasn't there for her. On top of that, our eldest had finished kindy for the Christmas break and then didn't go back, because she was due to start school a few weeks later.

To be honest I just took her anyway. For three weeks she screamed and screamed every time I left, clung to my legs, all the usual things, but I knew that once she had calmed down she would enjoy the remainder of the day. Didn't stop me feeling like shit for doing it though! For us, the turning point came when eldest started school. The first day of school coincided with kindy day, so we took Sophie to school and then I just told her very matter of fact that now she was going to kindy. She was fine from that day forward, and in fact I asked her if she wanted the day off kindy last week because eldes it on school hols and we were going to the beach, and she refused and said she wanted to go.

Maybe try youngest in kindy to see if that helps (nice break for you too ), and maybe make the effort to see his friends outside school, but really other than that I think that you are just going to have to let him get on with it.

I will also just mention that I have seen this happen with a couple of the children in our eldests school class, so maybe it isn't the move, but just a stage that some of them go through that has happened to coincide with your relocation.

You have my sympathy. It is totally heartbreaking to see them like that.

What_a_life

I agree with Helen. If he knows that his little sister is staying home, it may make him crave the security of home,and mum and sis ,that little bit more.Explaining to him that he can show his sister how to be a big boy,going to school/kindy etc may help a bit. I agree with the others on here, its a devestating feeling, walking away from your child who is in bits at the school door.
If it helps at all. I was a nanny before I had my children. I (and nearly all my nanny friends )had children who would go into meltdown as mum was about to walk out the door. Screaming, clinging on to their legs, the whole shebang, however within 2 mins of the door closing,the children were perfectly fine,not a tear or whimper,asking what we were going to do that day,or happily playing. It was so unbelievable that I would ask the mum to hang around outside, then listen at the door,at least that way I knew she could go about her day feeling happy .. I used to ask mum to give their child a hug/kiss,and with a big smile say "ok, mummys off to work now, Have a lovely day,and Ill see you at teatime", or something along that line I think that its important as much as possible, and Im sure you do,comfort and reassure your son, but try not to become overly upset (hard, I know),If he sees you are confident that he will be happy at school, he will find it easier to accept it for himself. Hope that makes sense. Most of all, remember this is just a phase,and it WILL pass.

Trevski

my son was 5 1/2 years old when we came here, he is 11 now and it sounds just the same as we had when we came here, all i can say is the school has failed our son and he has never got over the pressure we put him through going to school in oz when all his TRUE mates were in uk.
If i could turn back the clock i would of got back on that plane and went straight back to uk, but then again he might of turned out the same for different reasons, all i can say is going to be VERY HARD and we still feel crap for what we have put him through

I like tea

Sorry to about your problem with your son. Can offer no more advice from what has already been offered. It might go like others have indicated however, if it doesn't settle down you might need to try some professional help. 'Pathways' at Woolloongabba offer resilience training for children who suffer from anxiety.

My own son had problems with any changes in his life eg. transfering from Primary school to High school. from School to Uni and when he started work. He ended up with anxiety and depression in his early 20's. He was also very outgoing, an excellent student and had lots of friends I couldn't believe it when he was diagnosed.

If I knew what I know now I would definately had him complete a resilience course when he was younger to help him cope with change.

moneypenny20

Not convinced it's a 'moving over here' thing. There were always boys (generalisation granted but from what I saw, boys were worse) doing exactly the same thing when my girls were in the early years of school in the UK. Obviously moving overseas doesn't help but some kids do this and some don't. The kids get over it as soon as mum leaves but mum stresses 24/7 thinking they've done something evil. The joys of parenthood!

paddyo

Why is the school responsible for failing your son???