friday funnnies
Feb 6th 2004, 7:38 am
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: in adelaide and loving it
Posts: 1,086
friday funnnies
no offence intended but found these funny
Why do little boys whine?
- Because they are practicing to be men.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
- They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
- We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
- Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
- All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- ONE ....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
- Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
- A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
- Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
- Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
- Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
- "My wife says..."
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
- To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
- To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
- To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
- They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
- When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for
directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why do little boys whine?
- Because they are practicing to be men.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
- They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
- We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
- Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
- All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- ONE ....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
- Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
- A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
- Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
- Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
- Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
- "My wife says..."
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
- To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
- To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
- To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
- They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
- When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for
directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Feb 6th 2004, 8:22 am
#2
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 70
Arlene, when are you and your girlfriend going to oz?
Feb 6th 2004, 11:26 am
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 289
Re: friday funnnies
[QUOTE]Originally posted by arlene
no offence intended but found these funny
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Brilliant!!!!!
no offence intended but found these funny
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Brilliant!!!!!
Feb 6th 2004, 11:29 am
#4
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Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Cairns
Posts: 3,918
Good one Arlene, the forum was ready for a bit of light hearted fun after last nights upset.
Feb 6th 2004, 11:32 am
#5
Happy mum of 2 Aussies
Joined: Oct 2002
Location: Springwood, QLD
Posts: 518
My Friday contribution.... W.
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and some really good news".
"Well?" says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut; I guess it's an ill wind and all that. "Now what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again....."
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and some really good news".
"Well?" says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut; I guess it's an ill wind and all that. "Now what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again....."
Feb 6th 2004, 11:33 am
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 70
A man who walks through the turnstiles sideways at the airport, is going to bangcock!
Feb 6th 2004, 11:43 am
#7
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Gt Yarmouth
Posts: 53
One for the men!!
!
!
Feb 6th 2004, 11:45 am
#8
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Gt Yarmouth
Posts: 53
A cross word for women
Feb 6th 2004, 1:10 pm
#9
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: Scotland
Posts: 7,949
Originally posted by russell deane
A cross word for women
A cross word for women
Wait a minute, why am I telling 'sheila's' jokes!!OzTennis
Feb 6th 2004, 1:12 pm
#10
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 289
Originally posted by OzTennis
Along similar lines to Arlene's - Why are blonde jokes so simple? So men can understand them. Wait a minute, why am I telling 'sheila's' jokes!!
OzTennis
Along similar lines to Arlene's - Why are blonde jokes so simple? So men can understand them.
Wait a minute, why am I telling 'sheila's' jokes!!OzTennis
Well done OzTennis - you have made women everywhere proud of at least one male
Feb 6th 2004, 1:19 pm
#11
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,533
I love Friday funnies me!!!! Long may they continue...however irrelevant they are!!!!
Feb 6th 2004, 3:59 pm
#12
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: North Lakes/Mango Hill, Brisbane
Posts: 1,134
The worlds tallest woman (7ft 3in)
Feb 6th 2004, 4:18 pm
#13
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Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Coogee, Sydney
Posts: 1,017
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, 'any idea how to drive this thing?'
One says to the other, 'any idea how to drive this thing?'
Feb 6th 2004, 4:40 pm
#14
Re mem mem member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
English woman Irish woman and a Scottish woman talking...
English woman says "my son was born on St George's day, so we called him George"
Scottish woman says "my son was born on St Andrews day, so we called him Andrew"
Irish woman says "Well our Pancake will be 18 on Tuesday!"
Apologies to the magnificent Irish folk!
English woman says "my son was born on St George's day, so we called him George"
Scottish woman says "my son was born on St Andrews day, so we called him Andrew"
Irish woman says "Well our Pancake will be 18 on Tuesday!"
Apologies to the magnificent Irish folk!
Feb 6th 2004, 4:59 pm
#15
Kiwified member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: New Plymouth, NZ
Posts: 1,647
This is taken from a real life local newspaper report sent by a journo colleague in America......
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles.
"At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need"
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this
pumpkin".
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles.
"At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need"
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this
pumpkin".
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"