Mrs Kiwi

My lovely uncle in the UK was given 6 weeks to live on Easter Monday, they'd just diagnosed him with cancer and it was all completely out of the blue.

He & I are very close, and as I'm not close to my dad it was my uncle who walked me down the aisle when I got married and has always been there for me.

I am fortunate enough to have the money to fly back to the UK so I didn't hesitate and I was back in the UK within a week of his diagnosis. I realise how lucky I was in this respect having read other posts on here where expats haven't made it in time or had the money to return.

I had a lovely 2 weeks with the family and my uncle with loads of tears but lots of laughter too. But looking him in the eye and saying goodbye knowing I would never see him again knocked me for 6 to say the least, and I continue to have a huge rollercoaster of emotions now I'm back in Oz.

I just wanted some tips on how to cope really on a daily basis - I love my life in Oz and don't want to live in the UK for a second, but every day I ache to be there with my uncle and my family. My uncle is hanging on and my family are spending so much time together and I just want to be there!
I just find it so hard going about my daily routine here in Oz when my thoughts are constantly in the UK. I speak to my uncle and my mum every day on the phone and its tough speaking to them without being able to see them & cuddle them.

Any tips on coping with the situation? My emotions are taking a real battering every day! Thanks.

Sally Simpson

I am so sorry!
I don't know how to advise you on how to cope, it must be so very hard for you.
All I can do is say that I empathise & am thinking of you as you go through this difficult time.
You saw your uncle & spent time with him, which I am very sure he greatly appreciated & that is a very special & to be treasuerd memory.
Best wishes xx

Jan4kids

No sorry I don't have any advice, but do know just how you are feeling {{{{hugs}}}} Leaving must have been so very very hard? It sounds like he is comfortable and being surrounded by love and almost certainly knows how you feel don't you think? You both sound lucky to have had each other in your lives try and look for the positives and feel glad that you have happy memories from your trip.

I felt huge relief (and then guilt at the relief ) once my Mum had died when I was back here........but spent weeks whilst she was ailing jumping and feeling ill each time the phone rang in case it was the bad news....not a good way to live

Why don't you write him a letter that you know he will physically touch, or plant a tree in your yard and dedicate it to your Uncle?? maybe send him a photo of it so you know he's seen it??

I don't have an answer....but they do say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.......

Jan x

Buzzy--Bee

Thinking of you Kelly....

BB

Mrs Kiwi

Thanks so much for your thoughts guys. Just writing down my emotions & getting good wishes from you guys helped.

Jan, so sorry to hear about your mum. I loved your suggestions, I'm going to write my uncle a letter just to say thanks for everything and that I love him. I think he'd love that. And I love the tree planting idea too, so I'm going to do that. He'll laugh so much when I tell him cos he knows I am the furthest thing from green fingered!! You really have made me smile, thanks a million.

Buzzy, great to hear from you. Hope all is well with you guys and the kids in Melbourne.

Cookster

Hey Kelly,
sorry to hear your up and down at the moment, its just a shit time at the mo lovey.
Keep your pecker up eh.
Angela xxxx

JenJen

This may sound harsh but I don't mean it to be..
I think you would struggle to cope on a daily basis even if you were there
Yes you would be able to give them hugs every day but as the Cancer takes over sometimes they won't remember the hugs or what you say all the time, that part is really more of a comfort for you because you would remember each one.
Your uncle sounds like a top guy - giving you away at your wedding and all and i'm sure he's incredibly proud of you for making a life in Australia and living it, I'm sure he would want you to keep living your life for him if that makes sense.
I'm not a religious person but I do strongly believe that when he passes away he'll be with you and watching over you all the time... I know you won't be able to speak to him or give him a hug but think of him then as on an extended holiday and when it comes to be your turn to go I think he'll be waiting for you.
We lost my husbands brother 3 weeks ago to Cancer we'd spend a lovely Friday with him the week before, he struggled in pain over the weekend and drs were in and out as he was at home, they didn't really get the pain under control until early that morning and then he slipped away in his sleep a few hours later before most of us were even awake, only a sitter, and his wife were there as no one thought he would go so soon, and his little boy was sleeping upstairs at the time .
There is no easy way to cope, you need to have the tears, you sometimes feel the distance even when there is very little. Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do for him and that is one of the hardest things to accept as you feel helpless.
Make sure while you can you have those chats on the phone, you keep those memories alive as hard as it is now it'll bring you comfort at times maybe more so in the future?

I'd found this poem for my husband just after his brother passed away and gave it to his parents and it was one that Mr JenJens brother himself had actually chosen for his funeral...
It's called his journeys just begun...


In some ways I think now that it's the best thing my brother in law is gone
as the pain was so unbearable for him and he's been through so much as i'm sure your uncle is and the kindest thing for them is to hopefully not have the pain drawn out too long, his was drawn out for 4 - 5 months as he went downhill with 2 braintumors..

At his funeral last week he said he wanted everyone to live their life and live it well and he would always be with us.
It's never easy losing someone you love.
We didn't go to the wake my husband and my two older boys were too distressed - even tho we did have club music played to us throughout the service which at times made it hard to cry believe it or not.
We came home after - collected our other two children and then our older two write letters to their uncle saying how much they missed and loved him and we all stood out in the garden and watched them go into the air...
I'm sure that wouldn't work for you but it seemed to help them a bit aswell as the thought he is watching over them and they'll see him again one day - hopefully in the VERY distant future.

I'm afraid I don't have an easy fix, magic wand or bandaid for you for what you're going through, you can only do what you can do but by the sounds of it your uncle has been so proud of you and loved you a great deal and will take your love with him on his journey.
Sorry I didn't have anything more comforting for you but really there is nothing anyone can say or do really, except maybe to keep yourself as busy as you can. Only you know how you can best get thru each day though.
My thoughts are with you

Jan4kids

Thank-you for your Thank-you!

Mrs Kiwi

Hey Jen Jen, I loved that poem. My heart goes out to you & your husband. Thanks for replying to me in the midst of your own awful time.

Good luck & take care. X