Professional Princess

THE EXPATS NEED TO RAISE MONEY, HERE IS MY STORY OF HOW THEY DID IT

To channel their energies into something positive, Paul from Admin had decided the Aussie bunch could form a band and perform in a live concert to raise some much needed cash to decorated the house.

'Time they earned their keep' Paul said smugly as he rubbed his hands together.

'Reckon it will work?' JAJ asked as he took a slurp from his coffee. He did love his coffee in the mornings, especially with a nice chocolate hobnob.

'Yes, its bound to. You know what exhibitionists that lot are. You agents are to be in it as well' Paul said as he tried to read his morning paper, with his glasses slipping down the end of his nose.

'You boys, what are you up to?' Sue asked as she did yet another pile of washing.

Jumping up and grabbing his car keys, leaving his paper stuck to his toast, Paul replied simply; 'You will see'.

And with that reply, he was gone.

Now JAJ was crap at keeping secrets and after drinking his tea and eating his cooked breakfast that Sue had lovingly prepared him, he crept out of the huge farmhouse kitchen that could sit loads of people. I swear that kitchen was magic, it could fit everyone around it.

And when they fought, which they frequently did, as if by magic, jets of water would pop out and squirt them in the face to stop them.

'Alan, George, Barry, guess what Ive heard, no, bet you cant!' Shouted an excited George, totally breathless.

Glancing up from reading 'TRA Weekly', Barry the Camp TRA man raised his eyebrows and said; 'Nope, cant guess lovie, what is it?'

'You not interested Alan? Bet you will be when you hear' JAJ yelled smugly into Alan's ear as he quietly tried to read his book on trains.

Sighing impatiently, George said; 'For Gods sake Man will you tell us!' As he tried in vain to tie his tie in a certain way. He looked as though he had a noose round his neck, but it would have to do.

'Right, I'm not one for gossip, but Sue and Paul are going to get us to do a live concert to raise money for the Expat house. And I'm sure they will want me as the lead singer, being the most handsome and all that!' JAJ said all in one breath.

Looking round at the astonished men, he smugly waited for their reaction.

'Lying bastard' Barry yelled, jealous.

Quietly putting down his TRA book, Alan walked over to JAJ and slapped him round the head, yelling 'Bitch'.

'I am so not lying' JAJ shouted, his cheeks flushed red.

'Im not saying you are lying, I'm saying you will not be lead singer'

Alan glanced in the mirror and puffed his chest out and added; 'I for one, would suit that position'.

'I beg to differ' Muttered George as he ripped his tie off, undid his shirt a couple of buttons to reveal a chest so hairy you could make a rug out of it.

So the banter went on, I say banter, Alan was so jealous of JAJ thinking he would be lead singer, he threw some face cream at him which resulted in the Agents having a fight and being separated by Paul and Scott.

IN THE MEMBERS DORM

Princess was trying very hard to shave her legs using a Bic razor. Nearly circumcising herself in the process, she squeaked loudly every time she cut herself.

Some twenty minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom with twenty plasters dotted around her legs.

'You cut yourself girl?' Scissors asked, laughing as she added sugar to her coffee.

Looking boot faced, Princess sighed; 'I shall have to wear trousers' and then grabbed her black hipsters and pulled them on.

Dollydaydream was still smarting from being banned for being very naughty, she was trying very hard to behave herself, but her and Bundy had been seen sneaking into the boys room and putting itching powder in the boys underpants.

Poor old Fraser scratched his genitals for days and Paul had to take him to the doctor to get some cream. Cream which I might add that Alan had smeared over JAJ in a fit of jealousy over the concert saga.

Bridie, BLC, Rooksie, Jonahs Mummy, Anne4Terry were playing a game of scrabble on the floor.

'There is no such word as BEAVER' Yelled Bridie, going red with anger.

'Princess told me there was' BLC snapped back.

Holding back gulps and snorts, a bright red Rooksie held on to her stomach as she laughed.

'I think its a good word'; Rooksie managed to say.

Glaring at her, Anne4Terry relented and agreed that there could be a word such as BEAVER and not in the animal form either.

'My ******* legs are killing me!'; Princess shouts as she has finished dressing, brushing her bog brush hair and doing other such fluffy girl stuff that boys have no understanding of or need to know.

TAP AT THE DOOR

'Its only me'; Said the gentle voice of Sue.

'Come in Sue'; Everyone yells rather too loudly.

'Right you lot, I wont beat around the bush, we need to raise some money and were thinking of doing a concert. How do you lot feel about playing a large part of it?' Sue asks.

Wide eyes stared back at her as she filled them all in. Princess and Rooksie already had ideas of wearing black leather cat suits and stuff.

'I shall leave it to you to talk about' Sue finishes and leaves the room.

AT DINNER THAT NIGHT

The dining room was buzzing with everyone trying to talk over one another in excitement.

Soapy, Tired with Twins, Wheezy, Jim, A Team, Rich & Angie, BLC, Marco, Logan, Coxfamuk, Worzel, Thinkpussycat, Les Patterson, Jonahs Mummy, Bridie, Bixie, Ben to name a few, were all yelling about the parts they wanted to play.

Alan, George, JAJ and Barry sat at the far end of the table picking out bits of bread and rolling them into balls to flick down the girls tops.

'I shall do the casting and you will all play a part' Shouted Paul to his charges.

'Im not that bothered'; Barry said in a voice that said he clearly was.

'You will find out who is doing what tomorrow'; Sue told them.

THE NEXT DAY

It turned out that all the Expats would have their own special part, even the Wombat who had complained about the whole thing, was to have a part of running across the stage and shout 'bollocks to Tony Blair' as he went.

Rehearsals were underway and Barry was on stage in his purple shiny catsuit, platform heels (purple), hair in an afro and purple glitter eyeshadow.

Alan was wearing a blue shiny catsuit, platform heels, and an afro wig.

George wore pink shiny catsuit, afro wig platforms etc.

JAJ under protest, wore a green outfit the same as the other boys.

Barry was the only one that didnt need an afro wig, as he had almost as much hair as Princess.

Wombat just came as a wombat, but he did have 'shit off' written on his back to upset the POMS.

Fraser, Ben, Jim, Bix, Grayling, Marco, Les Patterson, Soapy and Bordy all wore leather cat suits. Catsuits seemed to be the thing.

But I did hear a rumour that it was the tight costume thing that was a fetish amongst some members.

Princess, Rooksie, Anne4Terry, BLC, Tired With Twins, Badge,Bridie, Dolly Daydream, Scissors, Bundy and anyone else Ive forgotten (this is hard trying to remember names, let alone know if you lot are male or female), all wore bright red costumes.

The girls wore red glitter cheerleader outfits and the boys wore red glitter cat suits with flared bottom legs. Like those people on Come Dancing that have tight bottoms.

Taking their places on stage behind the curtain, they were so nervous that several of them were farting and stinking the stage out.

Laughing loudly, Wombat trumped and then waddled off muttering something about Aussie farts smelling better and being of a higher quality.

'Wombat stop it right now'; Princess shouts in disgust.

'There says the woman who had a thread on faeces'; Wombat yelled back.

'Hi guys, am I too late?'; Came the unmistakable voice of the Aussie PM, John Howard.

'Johnny Boy!'; Squeals Princess and runs into his arms to smother his shiny head in her ample bosoms.

Going puce from lack of air, John Howard manages to escape the mammary monster and grins at Alan.

'What part are you playing then?'; Alan asks John Howard.

'He is going to be the little bloke that comes out of the cannon'; Paul replied.

Going very pale, John Howard hid behind Princess, who took great delight in soothing him. He loved to be soothed and noone else would do it and you cant beat a good soothing.

'That should be fun!'; Barry and George sniggered. JAJ just looked on in horror.

'Right Johnny Boy, lets get you in your outfit, you are to wear a catsuit in the colours of the Australian flag'; Paul demanded.

Rooksie had now started a giggling fit which had set off BLC and Scissors.

Knowing her weak bladder, Fraser came up behind Rooksie and tried to take the piss out of her literally.

Suddenly sounds of someone running up the stairs of the stage could be heard.

'Bugger me Paul, Scott, everyone. Rumours have it that DIMIA are making an appearance!'; Wmoore cried, out of breath.

Now let me explain, whilst Barry the camp TRA man was welcome, DIMIA were seen as the 'enemy'.

Someone said and I cant remember who, that DIMIA often hid in the Expats forums reading posts about Australia, laying out traps to get people.

Traps that consisted of chocolate bars that had laxatives in them, sex toys that blew up when you used them (Princess nearly became a man through the 'rabbit incident')

BE people were (gulps and wipes forehead), scared of them. Even Alan, Barry, George and JAJ had taken to locking themselves in the cupboard to hide.

'Ive never seen a DIMIA person'; BLC and Rooksie said in a quiet voice.

Badge and Wheezy had broken into a sweat ' Nope and neither have we'.

John Howard hid behind Princess trembling. Part of him was scared at being a human cannon ball and the rest of him was crapping himself at seeing DIMIA.

Glancing from between the curtains, Princess takes a look, with a terrified John Howard clutching on to her thighs, like a child going to the dentist.

There sitting in the front row, wearing black leather jackets, tight leather trousers, large meat and two veg protruding from their trousers, leather biker boots, tight white t shirt and hair like John Travolta, sat 4 DIMIA men called; Brett, Chad, Kirt and Duncan.

Chewing gum menacingly, they lit their fags together, flicked out their matches on the floor and really, did every movement in a coordinated fashion. In fact, they looked like extras from the Ladyboy bar in Patong only with bigger meat and two veg.

'I reckon they have things stuffed down their trousers'; George grumbled.

'Yeah, noone is that big'; Alan nodded.

'You speak for yourself, I was known as 'the donkey' on my estate'; JAJ snapped.

Bursting out laughing, Barry said; 'Yes and im an elephant'.

'Show will start in 2 minutes, get ready for curtain call' Shouts Paul and Scott.

Climbing into his cannon, John Howard had made a few smells himself with nerves, he shouldnt have had that korma the night before.

'What if I die?' John sobs to Princess.

Kissing his bald head, Princess soothes him again. If he got any more soothings, he would be soothed into the UK at this rate.

Looking like a seal in his shiny catsuit, the tubby little man slipped into his cannon. With just his shiny bald head sticking out, Scott put the finishing touches by placing a black crash helmet onto John Howards head. Bless his socks of cotton.

Alan was pissing himself a the sight, insisting that the PM looked more like a slug than a seal, George and JAJ took bets on how quickly he would pop out of the cannon.

MUSIC STARTS, CURTAINS UP - EXPATS READY, DIMIA IN FRONT ROW LOOK MENACING CHEWING THEIR GUM AND LOOKING LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.

Sound of music 'Bat out of Hell' by Meatloaf blares out.

Princess, Anne4Terry, Bridie, Rooksie, Scissors, Bundy, Soapy, Tired with Twins, Badge, BLC, Jonahs Mummy, Logan, Coxfamuk, Possoms, Bordy, Rich&Angie, A Team, Les Patterson,Marco, Jim, Brisben, Fraser, Bixie, Dollydaydream and Grayling do a perfectly choreographed dance display across the stage.

In a magnificent show of back flips and sumersaults, they didnt put a foot wrong.

Nodding to each other like a set of nodding dogs in the back of a Cortina, the DIMIA boys with big penises, looked impressed.

Princess and Rooksie do their high kicks and summersaults and land on top of Alan and Georges shoulders with their hands stretched high above their heads.

Glancing up, Alan and George noticed they could see the girls pants. Winking at George, Alan goes red at what hes seen.

'You dirty bugger'; Yells JAJ who has spotted the naughty boys. They were naughty boys too, you should see what they did in 'show and tell' in the Expats House.

Barry grabs his microphone and announces the human cannonball, wriggling his gorgeous firm bottom, he dramatically points to John Howard in his black shiny helmet, stuffed firmly in the cannon.

'I dont think he will fit out of the cannon'; Paul says to a nervous Sue. If this went wrong, it would be catastrophic. Not only would Australia lose a PM, but DIMIA with the big choppers would relish in it.

Noone could deny that DIMIA boys were handsome. They only employ good looking ones and ugly ones are sent to sweep the streets.

Princess still on Alan's shoulders and Rooksie still on Georges, stood as still as a statue, well Princess was winking at John Howard who was farting for Asia inside his cannon.

Taking a deep breath, Scott lights John Howards cannon.

The Expats hold their breath as they watch the sizzling thread, as the fire whizzes up to the top of the cannon.

Waiting for John Howard to bust out, everyone prayed.

Well they may as well pray because nothing happened, the fire sizzled to nothing.

'Christ, what do we do?' Sue asks, nervously.

DIMIA start to smirk, it was going wrong, the BE concert was going wrong and they would tell everyone. In fact, they would even tell New Zealand as they always enjoyed a gossip being so isolated and all.

Suddenly you could hear a rumble, so loud Princess nearly slipped off Alan's head onto his shoulders, it was only her strength that stopped her.

'What the hell?' Demanded Rooksie who was tickling Georges ears with her feet.

At that moment, John Howard let out an enormous fart that smelt of chicken Korma.

Just as everyone was thinking the Expat concert was doomed, the little man shot out of the cannon like a large seal, and went flying through the air, carried by the gas that came out of his bottom.

'Jesus Christ!' Shouted the Expats.

'Thats awesome!'; DIMIA said together.

Choking on the smell of John Howards mega fart, Paul, Scott and Sue pulled their tops over their faces.

John Howard flew through the air and landed in the blue jelly bath that was intended to catch him.

Disappearing momentarily, The Expats kept their positions, with poor Alan and George nearly collapsing with having Princess and Rooksie bouncing up and down excitedly on their heads. (dirty laugh at that one)

'Bet hes drowned' DIMIA whisper to one another.

Barry then does his little dance over to the Jellypool and points his finger to where Johnny Boy should emerge.

For what seemed an age, suddenly this little head with his crash helmet, and his tiny body in his suit, pops out of the Jelly looking none the worse for his fart explosion, John Howard.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I give you John Howard!' Screams Barry through his Microphone.

Doing a somersault off the boys necks, Princess and Rooksie then join the BE members and they do the final dance of the night.

Even Wombat joined in and didnt insult anyone once.

Grayling and Bixie took their parts and sang along with the others. Wmoore clapped his hands to no particular tune.

As they finished the show, the stars were called to take their place on the stage.

Grinning, the BE people all joined hands and took a bow, with Paul, Scott and Sue.

Looking down at the smiling audience, Sue had tears in her eyes, they had done her so proud.

The lounge people had come as well, they were clapping.

Dan Marsden who had been banned, didnt need to clap as he had the clap. Being very naughty, he had slept with someone from another forum.

Scott was smiling, Paul had clapped so hard he had broken three fingers.

Princess looks down to see the DIMIA boys, expecting a major pisstake, she is in for a surprise.

For there, clapping the hardest, the longest and with the biggest smiles of appreciation, were the DIMIA boys.

Holding John Howards hand, Princess looks at the Leather clad, genital bulging boys, and smiles back.

'Just to let you know, the show has raised enough to refurbish the whole BE house', Paul and Sue announce.

CURTAIN FALLS

The next day, Sue and Paul let the gang sleep in, they deserved it.

A knock at the door interrupts Paul from his sausage.

Opening it, he is greeted by the DIMIA boys.

'How can I help?' Paul politely asks.

'Well, we just wanted to say sorry for all the naughty jokes we have played in the past and want to know if we can be part of your gang?' Asked DIMIA man Duncan.

After coffee, biscuits and a serious meeting, Paul relented and allowed the DIMIA boys to move into the BE house on a trial basis.

Later that morning, Alan and Barry were on their way to the shower room.

In their separate shower rooms, Alan shouts; 'Can anyone pass me a towel, I have soap in my eyes?'

A brown hand slips Alan a towel from under the door.

'Thanks mate'. Alan said gratefully.

Opening the shower door, Alan makes his way to the sink to brush his teeth.

Glancing up, Alan drops his toothbrush in shock, standing there with his mouth open, he cant even call Barry for support.

Barry is singing loudly in his cubicle, coming out totally naked, he bumps straight into Duncan DIMIA.

'Jesus Mary and Joseph, Oh My Days!' Barry cries dramatically.

IN THE GIRLS ROOM (music playing - Kylie Minogue)

Bridie and Rooksie were trying on one another's bras, Princess and Anne4Terry were giggling over something.

BLC was trying to suffocate Wombat for sneaking in, Wombat had wrestled BLC to the ground and was stuffing her mouth with his dirty underwear.

Bursting through their door without even knocking, came Alan, George, JAJ and Barry.

'No way!' BLC shouts after the boys have filled her in. <snort>

'Yes its true!' Barry confirmed.

They nearly blew up my minge with the 'rabbit incident' Princess cries, shuddering at the memory.

'Yes, and they took the wires out of my bras and made my breasts go funny' Rooksie added.

'I think they will be good now', Came Sues voice from the door.

'That will remain to be seen' Rooksie muttered.


A FEW DAYS LATER

Life went swimmingly at the BE house, it was re decorated and the DIMIA gang were as good as their word although the Agents reserved judgement.

John Howard was now hailed the 'Cannon Ball Man' and could do no wrong.

Everyone was good and well behaved. Well if you believe that you are mad, because I don't.

'Its nice to see you DIMIA boys have changed', Sue grinned at the boys, now wearing tight jeans and white t shirts and hair still like John Travolta.

Suddenly a scream came from the bathroom.

Princess storms into the kitchen like a woman possessed. Her normally blonde hair was now electric blue.

Her expensive Toni and Guy Shampoo had been mixed with blue dye.

Adding to the fuss, Rooksie comes in with no eyebrows as someone had replaced her moisturiser with hair removal cream.

BLC follows suit by coming in scratching her beaver furiously as someone had sewn itching powder into the gusset of her knickers.

'Did you have anything to do with that?' Sue demands to the DIMIA boys.

Flushing red and trying to look innocent, they deny it.

'You tell a lie and your nose will grow', Sue tells them, trying to make them tell the truth.

'Maybe its not their bloody nose that grows!' BLC shouts as she looks down at their huge man parts. Andyewards (sharon) eyes pop out of her head at the sight.

John Howard tries to be invisible and sips his tea.

'This is war!' Princess whispers into Duncan DIMIA's ear.

Winking at her, Duncan picks up a peanut and flicks it into Princess's cleavage.

You could say that with the new editions to the family, Sue and Paul will have their work cut out.

(sounds of Expat girls coming down the stairs with various bits of their body damaged. Squeals, threats and Sue trying to calm them down)

Until next time.......

Stitch

Do have a bit of time on your hands?

Cheers for the post though.

Ginny

Professional Princess

I promised the guys another story yesterday, just delivering.

As for time on my hands, loads of it till sept.

Stitch

Keep it up...I hear the publisher calling!

Cheers

Ginny

p.s. Trying to send some of those wee blue boxes (Karma) I think...might not work though but will try.

Professional Princess

Just sent you some karma.

BLC

Things you read on your lunch break - priceless

Incidently, my real life name comes from "Beaver Meadow" and as such and nick name is Beaver!

andyedwards

Thankfully I've got time until Sept too so keep up the writing, great reading and I'm only a wee bit jealous that I'm not in the BE house too!

Cheers Sharon

Professional Princess

Ive just put you in at the end bit, go and check, its in italics.

you will have a bigger part next time.

marco121068

Excellent story. Keep em coming.

Professional Princess

And did you notice you were in it?

marco121068

Yes I did. Hmmm - catsuit?

Professional Princess

I know, but a vote was taken and it was decided.

The characters did it between them, I had no say

logan

god I feel I've 'finally arrived' (and i don't mean in the sexual way either!) cos I've been mentioned in one of the princess' stories! ...twice! and it's spooky, cos I love red..and I'm a great dancer...ahem

Professional Princess

Can you do high kicks?

Can you imagine John Howard shooting out of a cannon ball looking like a seal in a black shiny suit?

I love the colour red as well.

The A Team

Brilliant

Thank you for including me in it.

I hope to be in the next installment as well so I can confirm I am indeed female.