Don't Argue With A Woman
Jun 24th 2005, 10:58 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2004
Location: Secret Harbour
Posts: 194
Don't Argue With A Woman
DON'T ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
Jun 24th 2005, 11:24 pm
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 322
Re: Don't Argue With A Woman
Originally Posted by claire33
DON'T ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
Jun 24th 2005, 11:29 pm
#3
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 322
Re: Don't Argue With A Woman
Pregnant Lady!
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Jun 25th 2005, 4:48 am
#4
no longer searching
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 2,030
Re: Don't Argue With A Woman
[from the Independent]
Wife sells DJ's Lotus on eBay in revenge for his on-air flirting
By Jonathan Brown
22 June 2005
Tim Shaw has suffered for his art. During his career as a DJ he has forced pepper into his eyes, given his private parts an electric shock and bobbed for apples in his co-presenter's urine. All of it live on air.
But when he started making jokes that he was considering leaving his wife and two children after interviewing the model Jodie Marsh, he went too far.
Listening at home to his show on Kerrang 105.2, Hayley Shaw was outraged at her husband's flirting with the model and decided to hit him where it hurt by putting his £25,000 Lotus Esprit Turbo up for sale on eBay.
In one of the great acts of marital revenge she offered the black sports car for a price of 50p. "I need to get rid of this car immediately - ideally in the next 3-4 hours before my cheating arsehole husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street," read the posting on the internet auction site.
Unsurprisingly it did not hang around and the buyer, contacted by a local newspaper, asked to remain anonymous.
Kerrang 105.2, which is based in Birmingham, said yesterday that Mr Shaw was taking a few days off from his late-night show, Asylum, to talk things over with his wife. Mrs Shaw was still smarting from a stunt in July last year when her husband told listeners that he fantasised about his wife's sister while he was having sex. When Mrs Shaw, then heavily pregnant, rang up tearfully to berate him, he broadcast their conversation.
"When he said he would leave me and the kids for Jodie Marsh, that was it for me. He has two daughters. One of them goes to school. I am sick of him disrespecting this family for the sake of his act," said Mrs Shaw. "Maybe it was childish but I had had a few drinks that night and I just thought I would get him back the best way I could. The car is his pride and joy but the idiot put my name on the log book so I just sold it. I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to get him back," she added.
Domestic strife aside, Mr Shaw has only recently returned to work after another on-air "stunt" went wrong. He was suspended in February after staging a mock break-in at his boss's home in Sutton Coldfield and covering the walls in obscene graffiti. He claimed he was getting his own back on Andrew Jeffries, who had earlier told him on-air that his contract was not being renewed. But after being let off with a warning by police and receiving letters of support from his "army" of listeners, he was reinstated.
Last August he nearly choked to death during his show while imitating oral sex with a U-shaped sausage that snapped in two in his mouth. Paramedics were called and he was chastised by his boss for breaching health and safety regulations. On another occasion while working at BRMB in Birmingham he was investigated for pretending to be racing to save a suicidal listener.
But he has become involved in some good causes. Last November he backed a campaign to encourage men to donate sperm to Midland Fertility Services amid concerns over the loss of anonymity for donors. "It could make a lot of people happy," he said.
Wife sells DJ's Lotus on eBay in revenge for his on-air flirting
By Jonathan Brown
22 June 2005
Tim Shaw has suffered for his art. During his career as a DJ he has forced pepper into his eyes, given his private parts an electric shock and bobbed for apples in his co-presenter's urine. All of it live on air.
But when he started making jokes that he was considering leaving his wife and two children after interviewing the model Jodie Marsh, he went too far.
Listening at home to his show on Kerrang 105.2, Hayley Shaw was outraged at her husband's flirting with the model and decided to hit him where it hurt by putting his £25,000 Lotus Esprit Turbo up for sale on eBay.
In one of the great acts of marital revenge she offered the black sports car for a price of 50p. "I need to get rid of this car immediately - ideally in the next 3-4 hours before my cheating arsehole husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street," read the posting on the internet auction site.
Unsurprisingly it did not hang around and the buyer, contacted by a local newspaper, asked to remain anonymous.
Kerrang 105.2, which is based in Birmingham, said yesterday that Mr Shaw was taking a few days off from his late-night show, Asylum, to talk things over with his wife. Mrs Shaw was still smarting from a stunt in July last year when her husband told listeners that he fantasised about his wife's sister while he was having sex. When Mrs Shaw, then heavily pregnant, rang up tearfully to berate him, he broadcast their conversation.
"When he said he would leave me and the kids for Jodie Marsh, that was it for me. He has two daughters. One of them goes to school. I am sick of him disrespecting this family for the sake of his act," said Mrs Shaw. "Maybe it was childish but I had had a few drinks that night and I just thought I would get him back the best way I could. The car is his pride and joy but the idiot put my name on the log book so I just sold it. I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to get him back," she added.
Domestic strife aside, Mr Shaw has only recently returned to work after another on-air "stunt" went wrong. He was suspended in February after staging a mock break-in at his boss's home in Sutton Coldfield and covering the walls in obscene graffiti. He claimed he was getting his own back on Andrew Jeffries, who had earlier told him on-air that his contract was not being renewed. But after being let off with a warning by police and receiving letters of support from his "army" of listeners, he was reinstated.
Last August he nearly choked to death during his show while imitating oral sex with a U-shaped sausage that snapped in two in his mouth. Paramedics were called and he was chastised by his boss for breaching health and safety regulations. On another occasion while working at BRMB in Birmingham he was investigated for pretending to be racing to save a suicidal listener.
But he has become involved in some good causes. Last November he backed a campaign to encourage men to donate sperm to Midland Fertility Services amid concerns over the loss of anonymity for donors. "It could make a lot of people happy," he said.
Jun 25th 2005, 9:33 am
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 322
Re: Don't Argue With A Woman
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
“Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
“Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
