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Old Feb 8th 2005, 2:16 pm   #61
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by sj oldfield
Your dear old Dad may have died without you getting back in time to see him, but he also died knowing how much you loved him.

And that, is priceless.

yes but did he. Never told him just how much I loved him. I find this si something us brits arent very good at, or am I speaking for myself.
How often do we tell our parents how much we love them
I last spoke to my dad on the sunday before he died. And then I asked him if he had managed to have a 'sneaky bet' on the horse the day before without my mum finding out!!!!

When he said that he had, I said 'well i suppose your not gonna share your winnings you tight ole git' that was the last thing I said to him. there was no, 'I love you lots' or 'See you soon'
we thoght we would habe dad with us until at least Easter, thats what the doctors told us, so he thought that my trip over was to sort out our tax affairs. That was what we told him. if we had told him that I was coming over to see him, he would of thought, 'Oh shit, I must be bloody ill then'!!

Mum feels even worse than I do, as they had a very volatile marriage and always spoke to each other likes a bit of dirt, (even though deep down there must have been love there). She used to phone me in floods of tears, as she said she had to continue being a 'bitch' to him, as if she suddenly became 'nice' he would once again think 'Whoa, whats going on here then' It was all done to protect him, but we never ever told him that we loved him.
Only when it was too late, when we were doing our goodbyes at the chapel of Rest. what good is it then?????

Why are we british so 'stiff upper lipped'?????
why do we have to 'keep our chin up' or 'pull ourselves together'??????[/QUOTE]

As you said, had you been exceptionally nice or behaved in any way different to your Dad, he would have sussed something was wrong.

Your Mum and Dads behaviour towards one another, was as it had always been and was therefore normal.

Its your Mum that is left with the heavy bag of guilt.

Your Dad had a 'normal' life to the end. Anything else would have rocked his boat and made him aware that all wasn't well, and that would have been worse I think.

Ask your Mum, now he has gone, how does she feel now? Does she love him till her heart hurts?

Answer is yes. It really is how she feels now that counts.

Guilt is a horrible burden and its one for the living isnt it?

You don't stop loving a person because they are not there.

And that capacity supercedes that of previous negative ones.
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 2:39 pm   #62
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Hi sandra, havent spoke to you in a while,sorry to hear about your dad,must be every expats nightmare not to be able to get back in time,sounds like you had a good relationship with him and you had a nice joke with him the last time you spoke to him and thats nice to hear,you ve always got that to hold onto.The words i love you are not always necessary,if you have a relationship like that it means a lot,dont feel guilty babe,he ll be looking down on you now, and he ll know that you love him.
Listen to sams word of wisdom
Take care,tracey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sj oldfield
Your dear old Dad may have died without you getting back in time to see him, but he also died knowing how much you loved him.

And that, is priceless.

yes but did he. Never told him just how much I loved him. I find this si something us brits arent very good at, or am I speaking for myself.
How often do we tell our parents how much we love them
I last spoke to my dad on the sunday before he died. And then I asked him if he had managed to have a 'sneaky bet' on the horse the day before without my mum finding out!!!!

When he said that he had, I said 'well i suppose your not gonna share your winnings you tight ole git' that was the last thing I said to him. there was no, 'I love you lots' or 'See you soon'
we thoght we would habe dad with us until at least Easter, thats what the doctors told us, so he thought that my trip over was to sort out our tax affairs. That was what we told him. if we had told him that I was coming over to see him, he would of thought, 'Oh shit, I must be bloody ill then'!!

Mum feels even worse than I do, as they had a very volatile marriage and always spoke to each other likes a bit of dirt, (even though deep down there must have been love there). She used to phone me in floods of tears, as she said she had to continue being a 'bitch' to him, as if she suddenly became 'nice' he would once again think 'Whoa, whats going on here then' It was all done to protect him, but we never ever told him that we loved him.
Only when it was too late, when we were doing our goodbyes at the chapel of Rest. what good is it then?????

Why are we british so 'stiff upper lipped'?????
why do we have to 'keep our chin up' or 'pull ourselves together'??????[/QUOTE]
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 3:21 pm   #63
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Default Re: Dear Dad

I have been reading this thread for the last 24 hours and keep starting a reply but deleting it. I am nowhere near as good as Sam at putting these things into words.

But I think I have some sentiment (if not the words) that may help.

My brother was hit by a bus 3 years ago and spent 72 long hours in a coma before we had to accept the inevitable and turn off his life support machine. I saw emotions in my parents that I had not seen before. In particular I saw my dad saying how much he loved him despite the fact that they were always squabbling with each other. Perhaps it would have been nice if he could have said that to him while he was still alive but I don't think it was necessary. Some things like that you just know, they don't need saying. In fact, to say it openly would probably have made them both uncomfortable.

So while I feel a tinge of guilt for the fact I won't see them as often and they won't get to see the granddaughter they dote on so much I will not worry about words unsaid.

This whole thread is opening up memories that I have spent 3 years and gallons of wine suppressing so I will try and opt out from now. I just wanted to offer some comfort.
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 3:51 pm   #64
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by worzel
I have been reading this thread for the last 24 hours and keep starting a reply but deleting it. I am nowhere near as good as Sam at putting these things into words.

But I think I have some sentiment (if not the words) that may help.

My brother was hit by a bus 3 years ago and spent 72 long hours in a coma before we had to accept the inevitable and turn off his life support machine. I saw emotions in my parents that I had not seen before. In particular I saw my dad saying how much he loved him despite the fact that they were always squabbling with each other. Perhaps it would have been nice if he could have said that to him while he was still alive but I don't think it was necessary. Some things like that you just know, they don't need saying. In fact, to say it openly would probably have made them both uncomfortable.

So while I feel a tinge of guilt for the fact I won't see them as often and they won't get to see the granddaughter they dote on so much I will not worry about words unsaid.

This whole thread is opening up memories that I have spent 3 years and gallons of wine suppressing so I will try and opt out from now. I just wanted to offer some comfort.

I didnt mean to upset you worzel.

Its amazing how many people have been through this situation.

I think that dealing with these emotions is the hardest thing ever.

It is often easier to suppress grief, but then it always has a habit of hitting you when you least expect it.
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 4:27 pm   #65
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I didnt mean to upset you worzel.

Its amazing how many people have been through this situation.

I think that dealing with these emotions is the hardest thing ever.

It is often easier to suppress grief, but then it always has a habit of hitting you when you least expect it.
Don't worry you didn't upset me. I think it does good to open that door every now and again. Cleansing. My doctor tried to get me to see a counsellor at the time but I wasn't having any of it, I much preferred good old fashioned booze. Strangely the one thing that gets me is if I go to the grave. I can stand in front of his without any problems but when I see one for a young child nearby that gets me every time. Something to do with not having a fair go at life I suppose. I prefer to thing of the positives; that if it wasn't for his death I would never have jacked my job in, gone down under for a holiday and wouldn't be planning to emigrate now. Life is a game of 2 halves.
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 4:35 pm   #66
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I like the old saying: 'Any man can father a child but it takes a special person to be a 'Dad'.
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 8:34 pm   #67
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by worzel
I prefer to thing of the positives; that if it wasn't for his death I would never have jacked my job in, gone down under for a holiday and wouldn't be planning to emigrate now. Life is a game of 2 halves.
Nice advice Worzel, I'll try and send you a bit of karma if I am allowed, I seem to have given far too much away

M
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 9:09 pm   #68
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Merlot
Nice advice Worzel, I'll try and send you a bit of karma if I am allowed, I seem to have given far too much away

M
Lordy! This wasn't about supposed to be about me. I was trying to help others like the original postee with a few choice words. But the offer of Karma is much appreciated anyway.
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 10:26 pm   #69
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Wow
What can you say to that?
I haven't been on the forum for a few days & then I see this.
Wow
I have a lump in my throat, and kind of realise how difficult it is going to be with my dad. I mean he knows our plans & everything, but I think he will be pretty much the same as your dad Sam.
It has knocked me for six really.
Karma............
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Old Feb 9th 2005, 12:18 am   #70
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Default Re: Dear Dad

What an emotional post! It had me in tears. I think you said the things that most of us think and want to say but never get round to it.

When I said I was heading to Oz my mum was very upset. Yet, my dad said very little. He is not big on showing his emotions and I can't remember the last time we said 'I love you'.

Since being in Oz, that has changed. Everytime I phone home, I tell him that I love him and miss him. What really makes me feel good is that he has started to do the same! I speak to my parents every weekend but it is dad that has phoned out of the blue 'for a chat'. I thought it would have been mum as we always spent hours on the phone before.

I think that we have all realised as a family that we need to say how much we care for each other. I never told my sister how much i love her until i came here and she has also started to say the same back.

Just think, if I hadn't moved here then we may still be tight lipped about how we feel about one another, it has been a really good thing in that respect.

They are getting older and we don't know how much time we have left with our parents so each hour we spend together counts.

Thanks for such a lovely post, reminding us of what we have in the here and now!

Mandy
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Old Feb 9th 2005, 8:02 am   #71
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I dont see my Dad as often as I should what with work and time off.

So when I am in Australia, its going to seem harder because I know that I cant just go and see him when I want.

I am going to create a 'Dad' folder when I get to Australia.

It is going to contain the following:

DIMIA website with the links to do the online tourist visa.
A voucher towards his flight from our travel agents.
The key to the door of our new home with the address.
A diary so he can choose his holiday dates.
An Aussie phone card.
A map of attractions.
A video of hubby and I, showing him our home and where the spare room is.
A full schedule of attractions and where I plan to take him.
A watch which will be set in Aussie time, so he always knows what it is.

And I will do one for Mum too (they are divorced).
hope he realises what a special daughter he has

Trish
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Old Feb 9th 2005, 11:39 am   #72
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Hi Samantha, just read your thread and in tears, really moving, well done for getting it off your chest.

You are doing the right thing definately. Take this time to let your dad know how you feel whilst you have the chance.

My parents divorced when i was 19 and thats when i lost my day, he remarried and i dont speak with his new partner and this put a barrier between us. Your thread has really made me think of him as i miss him in my life and will miss him even more when we get to Oz.

take care mate, debsx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I am a long way off from my migration really but I was talking to my Dad the other day, and I don't know if it either hasn't sunk in that we won't be staying in the UK or if he has chosen to ignore it.

'There is no future for us here Dad' I said to him on the phone, as if to justify our reasons for going. I don't know why I had to justify them, but it felt right somehow to do it.

'You have me', Dad replied quietly.

Dear God, what can you say to that? Then it hit me, that although my Dad has been aware for the past two years that we want to move to Australia, he really hasn't accepted it will happen.

I didn't know what to say at that point that could make it any easier, so I changed the subject.

But it got me thinking. Have any of you guys noticed that when you get to a certain age, (Im 37), your parents suddenly seem to age overnight?

I saw Dad about a month ago, and I nearly cried. My big strong Dad of 6ft 4inches, suddenly seemed to be quite small.

Dads are meant to be a super hero and mine is no exception. Until the realisation of the fact that you are leaving them catches up with you. Then they become very vulnerable.

I kept staring at him, his grey hair, shoulders begining to hunch, how popular he is with the youngsters in his local pub.

How he couldn't walk quite as fast as me. How ever did he manage to pick me up under his arm?

Dad, just how did you do that?

I don't know if its a generation thing or if it's how you are brought up, but when I call him or he calls me, I never say 'I love you Dad'. Why? Would I feel stupid or embarrassed?

So, at a huge gamble because he doesn't really use the internet, I am going to write down, what I wanted to say to him last night.

And what I am about to write, I hope to overcome my personal obstacle of demonstrating my emotions, and say to his face as well.

This is going to be quite personal, so apologies to those it may bore.

Dear Dad

I don't know where to start really. (shit, thats a new one)

I suppose a memory of you that sticks out in my mind, is when you worked away for a bit and we use to see you on a Sunday.

Round about 12noon, me and my three sisters and one brother (i wont name them), would come up the field with out dog, to meet you.

Eagerly, I would strain my eyes to try and see you coming through the hole in the fence.

As I had asthma, I could never keep up with my siblings and when they spotted you before I did, they would charge ahead screaming with excitement to go and meet you, with our shabby little terrier running in hot pursuit after them.

I could just make you out, a giant of a man, with his huge golfing umbrella swinging with every step you took.

There would be me, huffing, puffing and wheezing to try and get to you before they did, but I never managed it did I?

I would tell all my friends that where I was going at 12 noon on the Sunday. 'I am going to see my Dad', I would say. Playing was non negotiable at that time. This was Dad time.

When I finally caught up with you, by now you were half way across the field, you had 4 other excited children and a dog milling around you.

Then it was my turn. You would pick me up as light as a feather and carry me home. Coughing and wheezing my guts up with excertion, I was very proud, and wished my mates could see you carrying me.

Then all to soon it would be time for you to travel back and I felt as though my heart would break.

I remember following you to the end of the road and hanging on your leg and you carried me back home again.

So that is the memory that sticks out quite a bit, but there are too many to name.

Every kid has a 'DAD' tale to tell don't they?

So why are we going to Australia? Why are we leaving the family?

It might seem rather cruel or uncaring to leave when you so desperately don't want us to go.

Here are my reasons.

I have always felt as though I am looking for something, wanting to achieve something, getting it and move on to the next thing.

Everything I do, seems to 'not quite fit somehow'. I don't know how or why, but I feel as though I am walking with the wrong shoes on.

As you know, I keep finding areas to train in, I do it, and it still doesn't feel right and I move on.

Then when Abdel and I went to Australia 2 years ago, within hours of landing, I felt as though I didn't need to search anymore, because there was no need. I had found the place where I wanted to grow old and spend the rest of my life in.

Dad you asked if Abdel felt the same, well he has migrated from his country to the UK, has adapted well.

So when he told me he thought it felt right too, then I believe he more than knows what he is doing.

I went back to Australia on my own for 6 weeks and saw a few other places, made some good friends and came back with the same opinion, only stronger.

You know Dad, that I have had to struggle for pretty much everything in my life, failed every exam more than once, kept resitting until I passed it.

Nothing has ever come easy for me. I wouldnt make a life changing decision like this if I didn't truly believe it was the right one for me.

I have never ever felt so happy when I was in Australia, so comfortable and so right.

It's not that I don't love you or that I want to leave the family behind.

Everyone has the right to call somewhere 'Home' and I think that I can do that in Australia.

And it's not the old rose tinted specs syndrome either. My whole life has been an uphill struggle from educating myself to more personal stuff.

I am fully aware that life will be hard. Hell, I am even prepared to go to Uni to retrain as a human nurse after the slog I put in to do animal nursing, should my husbands application fail.

The only reason I have the courage to do what I am doing, is because of you. I admire and respect you. I watch you go into work when You should have retired, you don't complain and you do what you have to do to survive.

I like to think that I have that quality. My course of survival is to emigrate to find my home.

So when it happens (and if I have to walk on hot coals to get there, it will), please come with me to the airport to see us off.

It won't be 'goodbye' it will be 'see you for a free holiday later'.

And I am not going because I don't love you either.

Because no matter where I am living, you will always be my big strong Dad.

And just for the record, I love you more than anything in the world and living on the other side of the world won't change that fact.

Samantha
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Old Feb 9th 2005, 12:56 pm   #73
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I think that I can safely dedicate this thread to all of our parents.
 
Old Feb 9th 2005, 1:40 pm   #74
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Default Re: Dear Dad

My parents divorced when i was 19 and thats when i lost my day, he remarried and i dont speak with his new partner and this put a barrier between us. Your thread has really made me think of him as i miss him in my life and will miss him even more when we get to Oz.


Please take some advice and try and make things better between you and your dad. Even if you have to 'accept' his new partner.

If anything happened to your dad, you will never forgive yourself.

All the best
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Old Feb 9th 2005, 4:32 pm   #75
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Now I am really nervous.

I have sent a modified version of my letter to a magazine.

The editor is reading it now.

There is no going back now. If its published, Dad will read it.

Someone tell me I have done the right thing.
 
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