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Old Feb 7th 2005, 7:08 pm   #46
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Merlot
What a group of such wonderful people, Sam you are a special lady! Thank you all for sharing.

I have cried like a baby for a good half hour before I could write this, just what the doctor ordered I think as everyone's story mirrored much of my life. In fact Sam, you will laugh at this being a cat owner, it was only when the cat came upstairs just now and proceeded to wash her butt in front of me I killed myself laughing - crying at the same time. I thought she had come up to give me sympathy!

I got married in Australia without family around as to be honest at the time I did not think they cared. My parents divorced when I was 6, I was the brunt of my Mother's depression and abuse, my Dad around everyday but never showed emotion. I left home at 18 to see the world and kept running from the family.

On my wedding day on the telephone back to England he broke down crying twice, I had never heard that before and when I came back I saw in both of them two very frail people to what I remember.

It has been a hard journey, I could never settle in Oz because I had unfinished business in the UK. I am going through a huge emotional shift and I want to make peace before I return to Australia. At the moment the thought of having to say good bye to either of them cripples me inside.

I know I will see the rest of my days out in Oz (hark at me the old maid at 34), I just want to do it knowing I have told them I love them . . something I still haven't been able to do unless I write it in a card!

Good luck to you all on your life journey.

Merlot
hi merlot,god im crying again reading your post, i know exactly where your coming from,i know my parents do both care in their own way but as a child and an adult it needs to be shown,if its shown then words dont matter so much.Maybe we need to getr it out in the open before we go to oz,unfortunately my mother will never listen to anything antone says,shes right and thats that,so you really cant talk to her.
As a very young child i remember her packing her suit ccase many times and threatening my dad she was leaving,and my dad begging her to stay,as she walked out of the door my dad would turn on us and tell us it was our fault and because i was the oldest and ever trying to protect my younger brothers id take a beating for it,the 15mins later mum would walk in the door as though noithing had happened,i realise later in life that this was her way of getting her own way,she can still wrap my dad round her little finger, it pains me to see it,they say love is blind and it certainly is in my dads case.
My dad worked very hard when we were children,we didnt go without, we always had holidays, but thats not what matters at the end of the day.
It would have meant more to have sat on there knee and had a cuddle or for them to come to sports days or parents evenings,or even been given some encouragement for some of the things we did,but nothing,i think we were just part of the furniture really,we were only spoken to when being shouted at.
Its very difficult now as an adult to show any love for people who treat you like that.
But i would like to say it before we leave but i think i need a few answers really before i can do that.
Hope it works out for you merlot,maybe pen and paper is just what we all need.

tracey.
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 7:59 pm   #47
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Thumbs up Re: Dear Dad

Hi I had to let you know after reading your thoughts to your Dad I am also in tears, for a couple of reasons both different. i lost my Dad 6 years ago and miss him terribly, have been though a divorce and remarried (he would love my new hubby) they would have got on so well. My Dad would have been behind us all the way, he was supportive of anything that would enlighten or touch your life. I wish I could tell him and he could see how excited I and his 2 grand daughters are. The 2nd reason was because of having my Mum left, although now she is managing to say more supportive and brighter comments I know that really its tearing her up inside, but you have to do what you have to do. I would hate to be in the situation of being bitter for years to come if I made the decision to stay just not to upset someone.

Thank you for your true feelings put in print, you will have helped so many I am sure.

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Old Feb 7th 2005, 8:10 pm   #48
 
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Ditto what Charlie has written.
Also good for me to read that not everyone has got the 'normal' family set up.
Guess that I am still stuck in that child hood thing that bad things only ever happened behind our front door and that everyone else had the best childhood ever....
And then you read a post like Charlie has written and it puts things into perspective....
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 8:18 pm   #49
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Second that with everyone here, it is amazing when you find you are not the only one with a less than perfect childhood, in fact a relief.

It is good to hear how we are all moving forward.

Merlot
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 9:08 pm   #50
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Default Re: Dear Dad

WOW! I must say .. this was just pure overwhelming; actually shed a few tears over this posting. Many of the same thoughts keep rushing through my head. My dad's just turning 75 and we will be migrating this year. Tough stuff.

Awsome posting .. not sure what to say .. besides that I really cross my fingers that things work out.

Good luck!

/Jørgen
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 9:22 pm   #51
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Right everyone.

I have an idea.

Lets put the 'Dad' or 'Parent' box idea into good use.

Buy/get/make the nicest box you can to put what you have to inside.

Like I mentioned before, but Ill write it again, to save you going to look, put in:

1. Travel vouchers either for what you can afford or the price of a ticket. Anything will do. Get them from www.oztalk.co.uk

2. The forms for the tourist visa, you can download them for your parents or if they are computer savvy, the website.

3. If you plan to do the Dad Box when you have moved, the keys to your new home with a nice diary, with your address on and let them choose the dates they can come.

4. A webcam for their computer (if they have one) with instructions on how to set it up.

5. A watch which will be set to the time of whatever state you will be in Australia.

6. And now for the personal bit. A letter telling them everything you might not have said or were too embarrassed to say. Pour out your feelings in this letter, so they can read it once you have gone. Tell them why you have moved, your reasons and what you hope to achieve by it.

7. Another idea, but not always financially feasible, is to buy your Dad/Mum a ticket to fly out with you. I cannot afford to do this for my parents, but there are some that can.

I know its very hard to move to another country, tell your Dad/Mum how much their help would be appreciated.

You will be able to board the plane together, they can help you with the whole process, even if they stay in an apartment whilst you settle.

They can see the country that will become your new home.

Tell them you need them more than ever. There is nothing like making them feel involved and needed.

If like me, money will be tight, there are ways of raising money for the 'Dad and Mum' fund.

Car boot sales, anything you can think of. Sell it on Ebay. Every little helps buy that ticket.

When you get to Australia, keep up the diary and the contact.

I shall start making my 'Dad' Box now and I shall make one for my Mum too.

I know that our parents must feel ripped apart when we leave them.

But I also think that if its handled well, then they can be fixed again, it may take time, but it happens.

They say migrants go through 'culture shock' when moving to another country, I think our parents do too.

I had to laugh this evening. I got an email from my Dad who is still trying to familiarise himself with his computer.

All it said was 'A Daddy Email' on the subject and when I opened it, it just said 'Love Dad'.

A man of few words!
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 10:26 pm   #52
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Bloody hell, what a way to start a morning!

Nothing like a good cry to get the day off to a good start!!

It's funny how things will change when you actually make that move.
All of a sudden, now we are here on the other side of the world, it seems much more important to tell them I love them every time I talk to them, it's just something I have to say.....just in case it's the last time.
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 10:31 pm   #53
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by TraceyW
Bloody hell, what a way to start a morning!

Nothing like a good cry to get the day off to a good start!!

It's funny how things will change when you actually make that move.
All of a sudden, now we are here on the other side of the world, it seems much more important to tell them I love them every time I talk to them, it's just something I have to say.....just in case it's the last time.

Just you make your Mum and Dad box for them Tracey.

Put little bits something that are big bits of importance.

Its those things that count.

My mate has never left australia, so when i went on holiday to Canada, I recorded the whole thing on video. Got home, made it into a DVD, with titles and credits.

She loved it.

If you have a camcorder, give it a go, they are priceless gifts they really are and you can make it as a movie on windows movie maker although I do hear there are better programmes.

We made my friends mum a DVD for her to send back to Australia too.

You're starting out your day, its half eleven here and I am contemplating on whether to make a hot drink and go to bed.

Im too lazy to turn off my computer.
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 12:11 am   #54
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Default Re: Dear Dad

jeez sam, im sitting here at work in a special care unit in tears! know where youre coming from though, we are having the same probs with jims family.
i hope you will get through to your dad and that he will see that no matter where you go in the world, you will always be his little girl.

Trish
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 7:14 am   #55
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Default Re: Dear Dad

good idea sam, bet you didnt think when you first wrote this post you d reduce everyone to tears,you ve certainly got everyone pouring their heart out,

good luck babe, tried to send you some karma but apparently ive got to spread it around

tracey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Right everyone

I have an idea.

Lets put the 'Dad' or 'Parent' box idea into good use.

Buy/get/make the nicest box you can to put what you have to inside.

Like I mentioned before, but Ill write it again, to save you going to look, put in:

1. Travel vouchers either for what you can afford or the price of a ticket. Anything will do. Get them from www.oztalk.co.uk

2. The forms for the tourist visa, you can download them for your parents or if they are computer savvy, the website.

3. If you plan to do the Dad Box when you have moved, the keys to your new home with a nice diary, with your address on and let them choose the dates they can come.

4. A webcam for their computer (if they have one) with instructions on how to set it up.

5. A watch which will be set to the time of whatever state you will be in Australia.

6. And now for the personal bit. A letter telling them everything you might not have said or were too embarrassed to say. Pour out your feelings in this letter, so they can read it once you have gone. Tell them why you have moved, your reasons and what you hope to achieve by it.

7. Another idea, but not always financially feasible, is to buy your Dad/Mum a ticket to fly out with you. I cannot afford to do this for my parents, but there are some that can.

I know its very hard to move to another country, tell your Dad/Mum how much their help would be appreciated.

You will be able to board the plane together, they can help you with the whole process, even if they stay in an apartment whilst you settle.

They can see the country that will become your new home.

Tell them you need them more than ever. There is nothing like making them feel involved and needed.

If like me, money will be tight, there are ways of raising money for the 'Dad and Mum' fund.

Car boot sales, anything you can think of. Sell it on Ebay. Every little helps buy that ticket.

When you get to Australia, keep up the diary and the contact.

I shall start making my 'Dad' Box now and I shall make one for my Mum too.

I know that our parents must feel ripped apart when we leave them.

But I also think that if its handled well, then they can be fixed again, it may take time, but it happens.

They say migrants go through 'culture shock' when moving to another country, I think our parents do too.

I had to laugh this evening. I got an email from my Dad who is still trying to familiarise himself with his computer.

All it said was 'A Daddy Email' on the subject and when I opened it, it just said 'Love Dad'.

A man of few words!
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 7:55 am   #56
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Default Re: Dear Dad

OK, I'm off to otherwise we will run out of loo roll. I'm off again!!!!

M
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 10:38 am   #57
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I am a long way off from my migration really but I was talking to my Dad the other day, and I don't know if it either hasn't sunk in that we won't be staying in the UK or if he has chosen to ignore it.

'There is no future for us here Dad' I said to him on the phone, as if to justify our reasons for going. I don't know why I had to justify them, but it felt right somehow to do it.

'You have me', Dad replied quietly.

Dear God, what can you say to that? Then it hit me, that although my Dad has been aware for the past two years that we want to move to Australia, he really hasn't accepted it will happen.

I didn't know what to say at that point that could make it any easier, so I changed the subject.

But it got me thinking. Have any of you guys noticed that when you get to a certain age, (Im 37), your parents suddenly seem to age overnight?

I saw Dad about a month ago, and I nearly cried. My big strong Dad of 6ft 4inches, suddenly seemed to be quite small.

Dads are meant to be a super hero and mine is no exception. Until the realisation of the fact that you are leaving them catches up with you. Then they become very vulnerable.

I kept staring at him, his grey hair, shoulders begining to hunch, how popular he is with the youngsters in his local pub.

How he couldn't walk quite as fast as me. How ever did he manage to pick me up under his arm?

Dad, just how did you do that?

I don't know if its a generation thing or if it's how you are brought up, but when I call him or he calls me, I never say 'I love you Dad'. Why? Would I feel stupid or embarrassed?

So, at a huge gamble because he doesn't really use the internet, I am going to write down, what I wanted to say to him last night.

And what I am about to write, I hope to overcome my personal obstacle of demonstrating my emotions, and say to his face as well.

This is going to be quite personal, so apologies to those it may bore.

Dear Dad

I don't know where to start really. (shit, thats a new one)

I suppose a memory of you that sticks out in my mind, is when you worked away for a bit and we use to see you on a Sunday.

Round about 12noon, me and my three sisters and one brother (i wont name them), would come up the field with out dog, to meet you.

Eagerly, I would strain my eyes to try and see you coming through the hole in the fence.

As I had asthma, I could never keep up with my siblings and when they spotted you before I did, they would charge ahead screaming with excitement to go and meet you, with our shabby little terrier running in hot pursuit after them.

I could just make you out, a giant of a man, with his huge golfing umbrella swinging with every step you took.

There would be me, huffing, puffing and wheezing to try and get to you before they did, but I never managed it did I?

I would tell all my friends that where I was going at 12 noon on the Sunday. 'I am going to see my Dad', I would say. Playing was non negotiable at that time. This was Dad time.

When I finally caught up with you, by now you were half way across the field, you had 4 other excited children and a dog milling around you.

Then it was my turn. You would pick me up as light as a feather and carry me home. Coughing and wheezing my guts up with excertion, I was very proud, and wished my mates could see you carrying me.

Then all to soon it would be time for you to travel back and I felt as though my heart would break.

I remember following you to the end of the road and hanging on your leg and you carried me back home again.

So that is the memory that sticks out quite a bit, but there are too many to name.

Every kid has a 'DAD' tale to tell don't they?

So why are we going to Australia? Why are we leaving the family?

It might seem rather cruel or uncaring to leave when you so desperately don't want us to go.

Here are my reasons.

I have always felt as though I am looking for something, wanting to achieve something, getting it and move on to the next thing.

Everything I do, seems to 'not quite fit somehow'. I don't know how or why, but I feel as though I am walking with the wrong shoes on.

As you know, I keep finding areas to train in, I do it, and it still doesn't feel right and I move on.

Then when Abdel and I went to Australia 2 years ago, within hours of landing, I felt as though I didn't need to search anymore, because there was no need. I had found the place where I wanted to grow old and spend the rest of my life in.

Dad you asked if Abdel felt the same, well he has migrated from his country to the UK, has adapted well.

So when he told me he thought it felt right too, then I believe he more than knows what he is doing.

I went back to Australia on my own for 6 weeks and saw a few other places, made some good friends and came back with the same opinion, only stronger.

You know Dad, that I have had to struggle for pretty much everything in my life, failed every exam more than once, kept resitting until I passed it.

Nothing has ever come easy for me. I wouldnt make a life changing decision like this if I didn't truly believe it was the right one for me.

I have never ever felt so happy when I was in Australia, so comfortable and so right.

It's not that I don't love you or that I want to leave the family behind.

Everyone has the right to call somewhere 'Home' and I think that I can do that in Australia.

And it's not the old rose tinted specs syndrome either. My whole life has been an uphill struggle from educating myself to more personal stuff.

I am fully aware that life will be hard. Hell, I am even prepared to go to Uni to retrain as a human nurse after the slog I put in to do animal nursing, should my husbands application fail.

The only reason I have the courage to do what I am doing, is because of you. I admire and respect you. I watch you go into work when You should have retired, you don't complain and you do what you have to do to survive.

I like to think that I have that quality. My course of survival is to emigrate to find my home.

So when it happens (and if I have to walk on hot coals to get there, it will), please come with me to the airport to see us off.

It won't be 'goodbye' it will be 'see you for a free holiday later'.

And I am not going because I don't love you either.

Because no matter where I am living, you will always be my big strong Dad.

And just for the record, I love you more than anything in the world and living on the other side of the world won't change that fact.

Samantha

What a beautiful tribute to your dad. The tears are pouring down my face, as my daddy died 3 weeks ago and I didnt manage to get home to kiss him goodbye. that is something that will always haunt me, as i promised him I would be back, but couldnt get home in time.
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 10:52 am   #58
 
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by sj oldfield
What a beautiful tribute to your dad. The tears are pouring down my face, as my daddy died 3 weeks ago and I didnt manage to get home to kiss him goodbye. that is something that will always haunt me, as i promised him I would be back, but couldnt get home in time.
Oh Sandra, you poor thing. That has bought tears to my eyes. Think that is one of my fears that something may happen to one of our parents and that we couldnt get hope in time.
I really feel for you, but judging by the way you talk lovingly of your dad then I feel sure you made it clear to him in life that you loved him, and he would have known that you wanted to get home and it was case of couldnt rather that wouldnt...
Take Care, I hope it gets easier for you soon.

xxxx
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Old Feb 8th 2005, 12:49 pm   #59
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Originally Posted by sj oldfield
What a beautiful tribute to your dad. The tears are pouring down my face, as my daddy died 3 weeks ago and I didnt manage to get home to kiss him goodbye. that is something that will always haunt me, as i promised him I would be back, but couldnt get home in time.

I read your post last week about your Dad and how you couldnt get a flight.

I felt so helpless. I really hate reading about people on this forum that are in trouble and you cant help them.

I read the post about Lauralollipop at heathrow, making her move to Australia and all she said was how she had red eyes.

I just had this urge to bloody well go to heathrow and give her a hug.

Please don't let that haunt you. It wasnt your fault you couldnt get back in time.

I have heard so many times how people have had rows with their loved ones, stormed out and something terrible has happened. And their last words were cross ones.

Your dear old Dad may have died without you getting back in time to see him, but he also died knowing how much you loved him.

And that, is priceless.
 
Old Feb 8th 2005, 1:00 pm   #60
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Your dear old Dad may have died without you getting back in time to see him, but he also died knowing how much you loved him.

And that, is priceless.[/QUOTE]


yes but did he. Never told him just how much I loved him. I find this si something us brits arent very good at, or am I speaking for myself.
How often do we tell our parents how much we love them
I last spoke to my dad on the sunday before he died. And then I asked him if he had managed to have a 'sneaky bet' on the horse the day before without my mum finding out!!!!

When he said that he had, I said 'well i suppose your not gonna share your winnings you tight ole git' that was the last thing I said to him. there was no, 'I love you lots' or 'See you soon'
we thoght we would habe dad with us until at least Easter, thats what the doctors told us, so he thought that my trip over was to sort out our tax affairs. That was what we told him. if we had told him that I was coming over to see him, he would of thought, 'Oh shit, I must be bloody ill then'!!

Mum feels even worse than I do, as they had a very volatile marriage and always spoke to each other likes a bit of dirt, (even though deep down there must have been love there). She used to phone me in floods of tears, as she said she had to continue being a 'bitch' to him, as if she suddenly became 'nice' he would once again think 'Whoa, whats going on here then' It was all done to protect him, but we never ever told him that we loved him.
Only when it was too late, when we were doing our goodbyes at the chapel of Rest. what good is it then?????

Why are we british so 'stiff upper lipped'?????
why do we have to 'keep our chin up' or 'pull ourselves together'??????
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