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Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:04 pm   #31
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Default Re: Dear Dad

To be honest, I have visions of us going through the security bit at Heathrow, with me having to be led through due to sobbing my socks off.

I was just thinking, my Dad use to build me 'Camps' in our lane!

Did any of your Dads use to do that?

I thought that if my Dad made a clearing in some trees and made me a swing out of a rope, that it was mine!

He always use to bring me 'munchies' chocolates as well!

Im trying to cheer myself up now.

My Dad is what I would call a 'consultant in general information' (Gossip and curtain twitcher)

When the pub opposite his local was being raided, he tucked up the net curtains, so he could get a clear view of what was going on.

All you could see from the outside, was my Dads face, with his nose pressed up against the window.

And, he has very kindly passed on the gene of gossip down to me.

If there are any comings and goings outside my flat, I am up at the window.

And to make it worse, my cat and dog now do it.

You can see a fat ginger arse, a skinny whippet bottom and me, all up behind the curtains!

Thanks Dad!
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:07 pm   #32
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
You can see a fat ginger arse, a skinny whippet bottom and me, all up behind the curtains!

Thanks Dad!
He hasn't taught you properly. You appear to be looking the wrong way or you are all doing "moonies"
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:10 pm   #33
 
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Gosh it took me 5 mins and half a bog roll before I could reply.
that was a wonderful and moving post!

My mum has taken a kind of weird stance that I have found quite hurtful and being as I have not read any simmilar postings I guess her stance is quite unusual too.
My mum and I have always been very close and even more so once she left her extremely abusive husband 18 years ago. But since I told her that we were going she seems to be making the break from us sooner than need be.
She doesnt visit as often and doesnt phone as often, she doesnt even seem to have a need to see her grandchildren as often and seems much closer to my sister. I would have expected the opposite and find myself feeling quite upset about it. Anyone else had anything simmilar??
I would understand if she thought we were doing the wrong thing but she is quite the opposite and was 100% behind us when we started the process.
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:10 pm   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pollyana
Sam,
What a beautiful letter. tears rolling down my cheeks - like many others on here as I read it. Daughters and Dads always have somethin special, even if you can;t explain it. My dad and I have a complicated past, which by mutual unspoken consent is behind us, and we are now closer than we have ever been - even though we are so far apart. He can never visit me here, for several reasons, and every time my mum tells me he has had another health scare I am terrified I won't get back to the UK to see him again. He was never a superhero, he was always vulnerable, but I still worshipped him when I was a kiddy - he was the one who named me Pollyana.
When I first said I was leaving he was gutted; I tried to explain to him that I knew The Bloke and I were right for each other, but my sister said his only comment afterwards was "its a long way home when you get divorced". Then he met The Bloke, got to like him, and now wishes us well together but I still feel he wishes I was 'that' side of the world.

My aim - and that of my sister - is to now get him to email me on their new pc. So I can talk to him more often - hes not really a 'phone' person. So I can tell him I care, and that I didn't come here to abandon him.
He's my dad, and I love him, and like you, I find it hard to come to terms with the fact he feels I've gone off and left him.

Sorry guys, too much wine, and Sam's emotional post, forgive the ramblings

I didnt mean to upset anyone.

I don't know why I chose to write it now, it just felt right.

My bestest friend in the whole world, called me last week, really depressed and saying she hadnt achieved anything.

So I wrote her a book about what she had achieved and included some photos of her at her happiest.

I had it laminated and ring bound into A5 size and Im going to give it to her.

Funny, when it comes to writing up TRA stuff, wish i could do it so quickly.

You arent the only one on the booze, I now have a glass of whiskey which I normally hate. But it tastes good today.
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:13 pm   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moneypen20
He hasn't taught you properly. You appear to be looking the wrong way or you are all doing "moonies"

You know what i mean

Though on the other hand, can you imagine if I did stuff my arse out of the window????

I have photocopied my breasts at work parties. But I think that alcohol + working environment + photocopier = naughty pictures. Its The Law.
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:16 pm   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chattyshazza
Gosh it took me 5 mins and half a bog roll before I could reply.
that was a wonderful and moving post!

My mum has taken a kind of weird stance that I have found quite hurtful and being as I have not read any simmilar postings I guess her stance is quite unusual too.
My mum and I have always been very close and even more so once she left her extremely abusive husband 18 years ago. But since I told her that we were going she seems to be making the break from us sooner than need be.
She doesnt visit as often and doesnt phone as often, she doesnt even seem to have a need to see her grandchildren as often and seems much closer to my sister. I would have expected the opposite and find myself feeling quite upset about it. Anyone else had anything simmilar??
I would understand if she thought we were doing the wrong thing but she is quite the opposite and was 100% behind us when we started the process.
I think with your Mum, and alot of other parents, it's a case of 'damage limitation' and self preservation.

She feels that if she withdraws now, she will protect herself from further grief or at least minimise it.

She is hurting inside and can't deal with it, this is the only thing she knows how to do.

If I were you, I would go round there on your own and talk to her, or go somewhere neutral.

Because the more walls she builds around herself, the harder they will be to break.

Keep the contact up.
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:20 pm   #37
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Default Re: Dear Dad

thanks for that dagboy,but i come from very much a working class back ground, my dad was a builder and my mum was a cleaner and i was the oldest of 4 of us,so i dont think for us it was a class thing, although i can see where your coming from.
The only emotion we were ever shown as children was anger,im not looking for sympathy, thats just how it was,i thought this was normal i didnt know any different,until i was an adult and i saw how other families are towards each other,this makes me sad because all ive ever wanted is a close family.
The first time i ever saw any emotion from my dad was the day i got married,there i was standing in front of the vicar and i glanced back to where my parents were and my dad was sobbing,i couldnt believe it,this big burley builder who had not an emotional bone in his body was actually crying,from that time on ive always known he cares even though he has a job to show it,i understand him more,my mother is another story altogether though.
Unfortunately, we ve never had the support of family on either side,i have 3 brothers who dont know how to talk to one another or me,ive tried many times to talk to them but its like talking to a brick wall,just no emotion, boy im glad im not that way,maybe my job,(having to talk to people) and my husband(who by the way was also a punk when i met him )has made me completely different,the opposite in fact.
Having said this we re always there for my parents, my brothers are, to even if their not there for us,and i do love them of course i do thier my parents,and id like to tell them how i feel about everything,but im not sure thats an option,maybe like i said when we leave,if i get emotional

tracey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DagBoy
I am fortunate with that aspect. My Dad was born middle aged, so it is only in the last few years that he has seemed a little older.




I fully understand that - I think it's partly generational and partly to do with how your parents themselves were brought up. I reckon that as a general rule, the higher up the class system the less chance of seeing any emotion (just an opinion). That worked both for good and bad - friends with working class parents seemed more likely to get a belting for being bad and a hug for being good. I was more likely to get a telling off or a "well done".

My family were never particularly "touchy feely" and though we are all much better than we were it does not come naturally - I even shook hands with my brother last time I saw him

I never used to tell my parents how much I love them, how much I appreciate that they have always been there for me, have always supported me in all I ever wanted to do, have never criticised me (except Mum was never too keen on the Mohican and Dad was a bit iffy on the skinhead), have been happy for me and proud of me but have never tried to live my life for me.

When I left to follow my heart to Aus 4 years ago they saw me off at Heathrow. Bit of a hug and a "well, um, - see ya then". In some ways it was helped because I knew they were coming out 4 months later for our wedding, but mostly it was just because that is how we are.

We were back in the UK last year for a holiday and I made a special effort to actually tell them how much I love them, even though I don't tell them nearly as often as I should - really hard to find the words when the whole concept of saying things like that to your parents is alien to you. My mum said something like "well, we love you too dear." Exactly the sort of response I would have given, so I knew what she really meant.

Anyway - if you can tell your dad, then do it. You will probably both be embarrassed, but that is the price you have to pay.

Cheers

DagBoy
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:42 pm   #38
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The lady that walks my dog for me when Im working, also a very good friend, said she had a terrible childhood with her mum, mental cruelty etc.

Even as an adult, her mum still put her down.

Her mum has been very ill recently and yesterday, i was working.

Time to go home, checked my mobile for calls and my dog walker had called twice.

Listened to my voicemail and the message was from her, very tearful.

The calm and controlled lady that I know, was now breaking her heart in her message.

It said: 'My Mums died'.

I could have cried for her.

I suppose we can also take alot from our parents too, but you never know how grief will affect you.
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:49 pm   #39
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
The lady that walks my dog for me when Im working, also a very good friend, said she had a terrible childhood with her mum, mental cruelty etc.

Even as an adult, her mum still put her down.

Her mum has been very ill recently and yesterday, i was working.

Time to go home, checked my mobile for calls and my dog walker had called twice.

Listened to my voicemail and the message was from her, very tearful.

The calm and controlled lady that I know, was now breaking her heart in her message.

It said: 'My Mums died'.

I could have cried for her.

I suppose we can also take alot from our parents too, but you never know how grief will affect you.
strange isnt it,i know how i feel about them,i know i ll be upset if anything were to happen to them,maybe its a classic case of you always want what you cant have,my friends cant believe i still go running if they need help,after everything thats happened over the years but theres still that bond there.
I think you should write that card for your dad,its always easier to put your feeling down on paper,who know i may do the same.
What a lovely thread sam, but then you do seem to have a way with words

tracey.
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:54 pm   #40
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Originally Posted by scissors
strange isnt it,i know how i feel about them,i know i ll be upset if anything were to happen to them,maybe its a classic case of you always want what you cant have,my friends cant believe i still go running if they need help,after everything thats happened over the years but theres still that bond there.
I think you should write that card for your dad,its always easier to put your feeling down on paper,who know i may do the same.
What a lovely thread sam, but then you do seem to have a way with words

tracey.

I get cross with myself Tracey.

When I'm tired after work, I struggle to do my TRA, I mean really struggle, fall alseep on my keyboard.

When its something that is close to home, I can write it in minutes.

A hurdle I must get over.

You should see my whippet trying to 'stare' me out to take her for a walk, she is in her basket, quivering at me.

And I have just smelt burning, its my cat Gordon, burning by the gas fire, fast asleep.

I thought of you last week Tracey. (going off topic here)

Im off to Barcelona in March and it so happens I need my hair cutting, so I phoned up Toni & Guy in Barcelona and its £30 for a hair cut, compared to the £40 I pay where I live.

Wonder if they will ruin my hair?
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 1:56 pm   #41
 
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I think with your Mum, and alot of other parents, it's a case of 'damage limitation' and self preservation.

She feels that if she withdraws now, she will protect herself from further grief or at least minimise it.

She is hurting inside and can't deal with it, this is the only thing she knows how to do.

If I were you, I would go round there on your own and talk to her, or go somewhere neutral.

Because the more walls she builds around herself, the harder they will be to break.

Keep the contact up.
Thanks for that, I think I kind of guessed that it was a self preservation thing but cant help feeling hurt that she doesnt want to spend more time with us to make up for the time that will be lost.
I feel the opposite and want to spend more time with those that I really care about so had trouble understanding it.

You have given me food for thought though and where as I have just sat and let it happened with much sadness I will make an effort this weekend to spend some time with her just the two of us. Probably a trip out to Q Gardens.
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 2:08 pm   #42
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oh dear maybe you should take a day off to do your application,i know what its like when your tired, i cant consentrate either,hows the application going, are you nearly there?Have you heard how claire got on, ive sent her a pm but not heard anything back,i havent seen her on line?

As for starring dogs and burning cats,lol,thats what you get for writing such a good thread, and having sooo many people reply,lol.

So your going to barcelona then and not sandown
MMmmm dunno about riuning your hair sometimes its better the devil you know,although tony and guy have a good reputation

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I get cross with myself Tracey.

When I'm tired after work, I struggle to do my TRA, I mean really struggle, fall alseep on my keyboard.

When its something that is close to home, I can write it in minutes.

A hurdle I must get over.

You should see my whippet trying to 'stare' me out to take her for a walk, she is in her basket, quivering at me.

And I have just smelt burning, its my cat Gordon, burning by the gas fire, fast asleep.

I thought of you last week Tracey. (going off topic here)

Im off to Barcelona in March and it so happens I need my hair cutting, so I phoned up Toni & Guy in Barcelona and its £30 for a hair cut, compared to the £40 I pay where I live.

Wonder if they will ruin my hair?
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 5:14 pm   #43
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What a group of such wonderful people, Sam you are a special lady! Thank you all for sharing.

I have cried like a baby for a good half hour before I could write this, just what the doctor ordered I think as everyone's story mirrored much of my life. In fact Sam, you will laugh at this being a cat owner, it was only when the cat came upstairs just now and proceeded to wash her butt in front of me I killed myself laughing - crying at the same time. I thought she had come up to give me sympathy!

I got married in Australia without family around as to be honest at the time I did not think they cared. My parents divorced when I was 6, I was the brunt of my Mother's depression and abuse, my Dad around everyday but never showed emotion. I left home at 18 to see the world and kept running from the family.

On my wedding day on the telephone back to England he broke down crying twice, I had never heard that before and when I came back I saw in both of them two very frail people to what I remember.

It has been a hard journey, I could never settle in Oz because I had unfinished business in the UK. I am going through a huge emotional shift and I want to make peace before I return to Australia. At the moment the thought of having to say good bye to either of them cripples me inside.

I know I will see the rest of my days out in Oz (hark at me the old maid at 34), I just want to do it knowing I have told them I love them . . something I still haven't been able to do unless I write it in a card!

Good luck to you all on your life journey.

Merlot
 
Old Feb 7th 2005, 6:05 pm   #44
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Sam what a thread...

I've been sitting here at my pc like others going through an entire loo roll to mop the tears.
I too have never told my parents that I love them...don't know why, just something we've never done. I'd like to...and maybe I will soon as I'm lucky that I still have my parents and the chance to tell them.
But I know that if/when I do I'm going to completely crumble into tears and not be able to stop. Just THINKING about it makes me cry.
Leaving them is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, we don't live close but we talk almost every day on the phone. My mum blows hot and cold about 'the move' all the time, sometimes she's all for it...discussing when she's going to visit and talks about all our plans really positively. But then other times she won't really discuss it at all...she sounds disinterested and changes the subject.
My Dad's dreading us going...he's not said as much but I know he is. He & I are really close...we share the same sense of humour and can always make each other laugh. I can tell his mood and how he's feeling just from the sound of his voice.........just writing that has made me cry again..
Thing is he won't really discuss us moving.....only to make a joke about it....like for example we'll be staying with my best friend here in portsmouth for a month or so after we sell while hubby works his notice.....so my Dad will make a comment like 'lets hope Sally locks you up in her spare room and doesn't let you out.' While we've had the house for sale he's said stuff like he's paying the estate agent NOT to show people round....he make's a joke of it all but I know he really means every word and it hurts like hell. I know when we go it'll break his heart....and mine.
Like you said Sam.....wish I could pack up my mum and dad and take them with me...

Petra
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Old Feb 7th 2005, 6:14 pm   #45
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Default Re: Dear Dad

Your post is very touching. On a personal level I dont speak to my dad anymore, god knows I have tried over the years and it hurts like hell. I have resigned myself to the fact that when I go that will be it

I loved your idea about the box though. I am sure that Tracey and I will pinch the idea and send one to her parents.

Hope all works out.

Gary

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I dont see my Dad as often as I should what with work and time off.

So when I am in Australia, its going to seem harder because I know that I cant just go and see him when I want.

I am going to create a 'Dad' folder when I get to Australia.

It is going to contain the following:

DIMIA website with the links to do the online tourist visa.
A voucher towards his flight from our travel agents.
The key to the door of our new home with the address.
A diary so he can choose his holiday dates.
An Aussie phone card.
A map of attractions.
A video of hubby and I, showing him our home and where the spare room is.
A full schedule of attractions and where I plan to take him.
A watch which will be set in Aussie time, so he always knows what it is.

And I will do one for Mum too (they are divorced).
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