Saturday, February 25, 2006 - So fucking bored..

Well my hubby is spending the evening with nubile 18 year olds in posh frocks, my daughter is out and I'm listening to the Fimbles on DVD even though my three year old is in bed..

I could go on my elliptical, but I have a head that feels like Geoff Capes is jumping on it due to my most excellent break in Vegas..I think I should like to retire there and shove all my hubbys hard earned retirment money in slots or in lap dancers knickers..or maybe spend it on double shot margaritas in the Peppermill Lounge where incidently the curved part of the P in Peppermill was broken so there ever so neon sign said 'leppermill Lounge' which is actually quite fitting looking at the state of some of the people in there...

My daughter rode Insanity at the top of The Stratosphere, for those of you that don't know, The Stratosphere is 109 stories high and at the top of it (outside) there are three rides, my daughter chose the one that hangs you out over the edge then spins you round at 40 miles an hour face down. As she was getting on my three year old shouted at his sister "DEE, YOU'RE MENTAL", he's not wrong..

Friday, November 4, 2005 - Dora

Went to see the Dora show today, down in the OC..

I tried to get it out of my head but couldn't..

The last time we went to see Bored Silly she mentioned that she had also been with her kids, explained that it was fantastic, the kids loved it etc etc then blurted out that it wasn't right that a fully grown man should be poncing round in a skin tight monkey suit. When I asked why, she replied "you'll see"..See I did.. 

Bored Silly you are so right, I still think he must have had padding 'down there', it was enormous, try as I did, I just couldn't stop staring..I'm not even one that goes round staring at mens packets, ugly things they are, but as he was jumping round on stage like, well, a monkey, he may of well as had a big sign round his neck saying 'LOOK AT MY PACKET'..Diego was cute though.

Whilst were on the subject of staring I'm amazed at the early age that boys learn to appreciate the feminine form..Last months FHM contained a supplement composed of all the photos that people send in from their mobile phones of their girlfriends tits and arses..Somehow my almost three year old got hold of this and was fascinated, he sat as quiet as a mouse for ages just staring, when I protested and took it off him he was most displeased and later manged to salvage it from the hiding place I'd found and last night whilst hubby was watching a documentary about well, strippers, in the short distance it took to walk him past the TV from the bathroom to the stairs he was once again mesmerised. He stopped dead in his tracks, went red and said "daddy I like this".. Daddy was so proud!

Monday, October 17, 2005 - Tarantulas and Fruit Loops..

Saw my first real life 'wild' tarantula last night..It was just sitting there in my friends back yard. Almost three year old thought it was a Halloween decoration and was trying to poke it with things..14 year old ran off screaming..Hubby muttered something about it not being as big as he thought they were, I could tell he was scared shitless though....

Apparantly they are quite common where they live which is right up in the hills but then again so are bears, bob cats, deer, raccoons, snakes and mountain lions so maybe tarantulas aren't really that bad.. 

Got up this morning after a night of thunder so loud my ear drums have been perforated. As usual almost three year old slept through it all..

I was too tired to argue with him about breakfast and as 14 year old had left 'them' out on the side I couldn't lie and say "we don't have any"..

I am of course talking about those things that spawn from the 'cereal making factory in hell', Fruit Loops..

The only reason I have them in the house is because my daughters friend came to stay this weekend and after she accused us of having cereal that was 'way too healthy' last time she stayed my daughter convinced me it would be a nice gesture to buy her some cereal she actually liked..

I gave in and bought the smallest box they make..

Every morning I have a row with almost three year old about what to have for breakfast, like most families we carry a choice of 87 different cereal varieties and most mornings he wants ones that we don't have..I do usually convince him to have a healthy choice though, such as Cheerios or Weetabix but most mornings he makes a half hearted effort and leaves most of it with a "I want something with loads more sugar on it please Mum" look on his face..

So due to my tiredness this morning there was to be no arguing, the last of the fruit loops were poured into a bowl and covered with 2%..I sat him at the breakfast bar and gave him his 'fix'. In my desperation to feel awake I turned around to make a cup of coffee..Two minutes later with cup of coffee in hand I turn back round to witness almost three year old sucking the last dregs of milk out of his bowl with the straw I gave him to drink his juice with....

Every last fecking Fruit Loop has gone and in record time, I've never seen anyone eat something so quick in all my life, I even check on the floor to make sure he hasn't dropped them as I can't quite believe he could eat them so fast..

Almost three year old looks up at me, milk still dribbling down his chin "more please Mum"..

I'm too astounded to answer him but in my desperation to give him something healthy, I half heartedly wave a banana in his face..He gives me a 'I don't think so Mum' look and runs off into the living room..

I'm expecting any minute now to find him, frying pan on head, Bart Simpson style, running round the lounge shouting "I am so great, I am so great, everybody loves me, I am so great"..And last time he had something with so many 'E' numbers in it he was up until 2 am..What joy.. 

BTW, I allow my daughter to eat them because at the moment she's going through that 'I'm 14 so I'm too cool to eat anything, and anyway, eating is like, so last year' phase so I'm thankful for her eating anything, even Fruit Loops..

Friday, October 14, 2005 - Gay almost three year old...

Been to Victoria Gardens today which is a really nice outdoor mall type place. I go mainly because my almost three year old knows there's a Thomas the Tank Engine shop, a train ride a fountain and a huge play area with climbing frames etc..he's a happy as a pig in shit whenever we go..

After lunch where incidently he ate his own body weight in macaroni cheese we went to the play area and he immediately headed for the group of boys aged about 5 hanging out in the 'house' which is basically a wooden wendy house type thing..

They were all getting on o.k but then I noticed him standing outside alone..

I was too far away to hear what conversation they were having but almost three year old was holding his hair..

To those of you that don't know, my almost three year old son has shoulder length dark brown hair with ringlets that most women would kill for or at least pay at lot of money for..Even if I do say so myself he's also incredibly cute..

Not sure what to make of it I left it as he wasn't crying or looking too upset but then one of the boys pointed at his shoes and said "but he has got boys shoes on"..

I had just about twigged what was going on when son came over, bottom lip out, arms folded and said "everybody thinks I'm a girl"

Although my heart had at that point broken into a million pieces I managed to maintain my composure enough to explain that all he needed to do was tell them "I'm a boy called Max"..I resisted saying "and if needs be, drop your pants"..

At this point the guy sitting next to me who's Grandson was one of the offending 'girl accusing' gang said "oh I thought he was a girl too, he's very pretty"..WTF!!!!! Having heard this far too many times in recent months, rather than let it go I said "do you really think I'd dress a girl in brown combat shorts, brown and black boots and a brown t-shirt with 'LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS' written on the front in big flaming blue and gold letters, if so this would make 'her' a gay toddler, would it not?"..

With that he gave me a "you're flaming mad you English people' type look, grabbed his Grandson and walked off..Tosser!

Thankfully during my row with the 'tosser' my son had obviously got back in with the 'no girls allowed' gang and was happily running round shouting "come on Amigo's" to the Latino kids in the gang, Jeez, not only is he cute but he's also bi-lingual..'Go Diego Go' has its uses..

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 - Silly Bastard..

Well it had to happen, my almost three year old came out with those immortal words "Dad ya silly bastard"..

I was loathed to tell him off as I actually tend to agree with him but on the other hand I didn't want him to think its acceptable because he would surely be struck down by God himself if he was say 'that' word at Pre- School. (he goes to a United Methodist Church one, I know I know, can't quite believe it myself..) I can't even imagine the shame, I would never be able to walk through my village centre again without the 'Stepfords' cackling and pointing at us..

I'm not too sure where he has heard this as I use much harder swear words than 'Bastard'. I don't even think I can blame Syllk as that was months ago..

On further questioning my almost three year old laid the blame squarely on his big sisters shoulders, apparantly "Dee Dee says bastard all the time Mummy!"..

In some respect I actually think we've been quite fortunate in that this is the first time we've had to repremand him for the use of 'colourful' language as my Mum would say..

Whilst trying to explain to my almost three year old that use of such words are "a little bit naughty" the said 'silly bastard' and teacher of the word 'bastard' could be seen in the background pissing themselves laughing..

Anyway, best go, almost three year old is trying to fit a small plastic bag over his head.. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 - Confession time..

The weekend before last we had a wonderful time. Mr and Mrs Bored Silly, 2 junior Bored Silly's and Grandma Bored Silly came to stay. We went to Disney and Hollywood and Rodeo Drive, basically all the touristy things you can do in a weekend in LA.

No surprise then when I tell you that booze was also involved, quite a lot of it actually.

Bored Silly sang Rappers Delight on the kareoke machine and Mr Bored Silly and Eskimo sang the Proclaimers in the English pub on the Friday night, it was one of those 'just going for one' nights that actually turn out to be one of the best nights you've ever had nights. I seriously don't think I've ever laughed so much in all my life apart from maybe the night after which also involved Lionheart..

The best bit though was Mr and Mrs Bored Silly's car breaking down meaning they had to stay a day longer.. Woo Hoo..

Anyway my confession is that I smoked fags all weekend and God they were delicious..

Haven't had one since though..

Monday, October 10, 2005 - Little things..

Haven't been to the local 'British Emporium' for quite some time so today my 14 year old requested a visit as she fancied some 'Angel Delight' (she really is a chav you know) Upon entering the store the first thing to greet me was a packet of Tunnocks Snowballs...

You have to understand that these are my favourite things ever, even better than 15 minutes with a rabbit. I could barely contain my dribbling when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a blue can lurking in the back of the fridge..

Oh my God, a can of Shandy Bass, food and drink heaven, they didn't even make it off the car park.

Unfortunately the daughter came away disappointed, the strawberry Angel Delight was a year out of date, obviously not too many chavs in Los Angeles..

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 - Psycho bitch from hell..

The President of my Moms club is now officially a loony..

Unfortunately I happen to be her Vice President so I'm supposed to be nice and agree with all the shite that she spews from her mouth..

How does any one person have time to be an active member of 49 Yahoo groups, I didn't even know what a Yahoo group was until she made me join one..

We're having a board meeting tonight (woo hoo, NOT!) the last one lasted for 2 long hours, tonights may be even worse, she has pr-E-sentations to show us..

Our treasurer sent out a mail earlier today saying that she mght not be able to make it as her Husband was in Orange County and had a long drive home, psycho woman sent her one back saying "o.k then, we'll have the meeting at your house! " Cheeky fucker! (God I must hate her, she's made me swear in my blog..grrrr) The treasurer hasn't replied, I know she secretly hates her as much as I do..

Whilst I'm aware that Moms Club is an international club and has rules and regualtions to go with it, I'm staggered that psycho woman is taking them so literally..For example someone suggested last week that we should organize a Moms night out, the other Moms, not me, suggested the English Pub and as there's a nail bar next door we could have a manicure/pedicure first..

The next day the email came stating we were not allowed to go to a nail bar as you couldn't take kids in and we couldn't go to the pub as it serves alcohol...Apparantly it's because of byelaw #49670859326.88800 or something..WTF, this is a Moms might out, who the hell is going to take their kids? And more to the point you can buy a beer in fucking Chuck E Cheeses for gawds sake..

Incidently her daughter is only allowed organic non dairy items and is allergic to 694 things...need I say more?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 - Fag free zone..

No cigs for three weeks..

Can't quite believe I've done it...

Hasn't really been that bad, had one or two 'moments' when I would have gladly traded my children for just one drag but haven't had one of those for days..

I do still forget though and especially after finishing a meal I sometimes think "right I'll have a cig now" not because I crave one but out of habit..as the saying goes 'old habits die hard'

Have to say I do feel so much better health wise, I can actually breathe in a morning and I feel so much more awake, luckily this time I haven't had that awful 'given up smoking' cough..

I do intend this time, that it will be forever, thats still a hard thing to accept, that I won't ever smoke another cig in my life but I want to have a life, hence the giving up.. 

Monday, September 26, 2005 - Feet like stilton..

We have painters coming in tomorrow to paint the dining room and the pit that is my daughters room so almost three year old was plonked in front of the TV in my bedroom whilst we set about moving furniture and throwing away mouldy food found under daughters bed..

An hour later it was all done but walking across the landing a hideous smell hit me..

Was it the rotten food removed from the bedroom? Was it just the smell of my daughters room having been turned upside down? I wandered round for 10 minutes trying to find the source and rather strangely my nose led me into my bedroom..

Whilst watching TV my almost three year old he had taken off his trainers and the offending smell was indeed coming from his feet which he was now rubbing all over my bed..

I swear I have never smelt anything so vile in all my life..

He was promptly taken into the bathroom and said feet were soaked in the sink (he only had a bath this morning)

God help us in 10 years time when I have no control over his bathing habits..