Going to plod on with this course

After much discussions with my tutor i will carry on with my course. Despite the fact im not enjoying it the tutor is going to up her support for me.

I told her in no uncertain terms that i felt i had been let down by her. she realised that i am a good worker and despite all the crap ive endured ive always handed assignments in, even if later than every one else. She still wont re mark my work and stands by what she feels is correct about my last assignment. so im forgetting about that now. Im almost finished my current work book and after the weekend's camping i will crack on with my assignment. She has been given permission by regional office to check my draft essay prior to marking so that she can offer more help and ensure im doing the essay in the style she likes. So hopefully it will mean i pass my next two assignments.

If i can pass the remaining assignments i can pass the course (providing i pass the exam). So ive got my fingers crossed that is what is going to happen.

Ive worked dammed hard for this degree the effort i hope will be worth it when i 2009 i get the degree.

Well got to crack on with this work book and its reading list. I may not be enjoying it but im no quitter and i will finish this course

Feeling as though my mojo is gone

I got my assignment result back today and it was not good news, ive failed again. Out of the past 3 assignments ive only passed one. Im not enjoying my course and im starting to think about pulling out of it. However im not sure if i would get any money back on it as ive self funded and nearly £700 is a lot of money to go down the drain. Ive been looking at alternative courses and i could potentially get another course started in October which would mean i was doing 2 courses again for a short time next year. Not good.

I really do need to get my degree finished by 2009 other wise i will have to pay international fees for my final course. Just cant afford it.

I really am confused and just dont know what to do about it. Ive worked dammed hard on this course , the content has been difficult to read at times and the questions have been very difficult. I know other people on the course are also struggling so im not alone. I think my tutor is not very helpful and even admited that my assignment showed a good argument but was not enough to pass. i think other tutors would have passed me. Im annoyed and upset. I have another assignment due soon but right now i just want to down tools and say sod it. Im not a quitter though and i feel as though if i plod on i might just scrapre enough to pass the course(miracle if that happened)

Off to sort the kids out now, sounds like they fighting again

Still recovering

Im never drinking again. Still feel rough and im now coming down with a cold.

Mind you at least i managed to get out of bed yesterday, some of our mates never managed that lol.

Im drinking coffee and lempsips like they are going out of fashion.

Ive got to get loads of work done for this assignment and all i want to do is pull the douvet over me and sleep.

Ive decided im sending all the rain we are getting in Paderborn over to Albury as they are in depserate need of it and im fed up of it.

Got to crack on the course work aint going to do its self

Feeling rough today

Well last night was brillant. Large quantities of alcohol was consumed as people were buying us drinks left right and center. It would have been rude to refuse. The bloke who did the speech was rubbish (too much alcohol to blame). V on the other hand did a brief but funny speech as usual. Which more than made up for it.

WE finally got home around 4ish i think. The baby sitter was brillant and got on the transport home by special arrangement(saved us taxi fees).

Both of us feel rougher than a badgers bum and with the kids getting up at 8 .30 we have not had much sleep.

V is off on adventure training tommorow and on Friday we will join him with the rest of the families for a weekend of fun.

I need another coffee so will write more later  

A special night for my husband tommorow

Tommorow night we are going to be wined and dined in honour of V serving 22 years in the army. There will be speeches and toasts and hopefully a good night. Although V does not leave the army till April , it was the only time he can have his dine out as all the friends and collegues he has will not be in Paderborn when we leave. Instead they will be serving in either Afghanistan or Iraq. that is a sombering thought that tommorow night may be the last time we see some of our very good friends. Hopefully they will all come back safe from the tours and we will get vistors once we get to oz.

However i am realistic and know that out of the many that go a few will not come back. That is what life in the army is life.

I am so proud of my V he joined the army at 16 and has served in the Gulf twice, Canada, a few times, Ireland initally for a 9 month tour when it was still troubled and then 4 years most recently.

I met V when i was 17 and he was 18 so i knew that my life would never be a stress free and boring life. We have had scary moments when he has been in war zones when i thought i would never see him again. More so in 1990 when the convoy he was in got hit by friendly fire (stupid yanks) although he lost friends in the convoy he survived and he vowed he would make his life mean something. I think he has as well.

Neither of us a wild party people but we are very sociable and most people when they see us together they know we belong together. As i listen to the speech, im sure i will have a lump in my throat as they praise my man.

WEll enough jabbering on ive got course work to get done.

Playing catch up on my studying

My next assignment is due shortly and i have only today just sent of my last assignment. its tough going at the moment. for some reason this course has had no break at Easter and will offer no break in summer. So for 9 months solid this course is worked on. i think the OU are expecting too much of its students on this course.

Im feeling the pain now of constantly studying. When the 6 th of Aug comes round i should have my 4th assignment sent off, but that is not going to happen so once again i will have to have an extention. All through this course ive needed extentions, im only supposed to be allowed no more than 3. hopefully my tutor will understand that everything has had a knock on effect and with no break factored in no chance of catching up properly. I still dont know how im going to cope with the kids off for 6 weeks and a house move to boot.

I am feeling much stronger now though, the past few weeks were hell as i started spirling into a near depression type state. But knowing that i clean this stressful enviroment behind has boosted me.

D my eldest has been having counselling at school for the trauma he suffered a few months back, it seems to have paid off as he is much happier in himself. He confessed that knowing we are moving away but still close enough for his friends to visit has boosted him aswell.

V is writing the letter today to the welfare office to formally request the move to the new house. (the army cant just give us it paperwork has to be done) also because it benefits us we also have to pay for the move ourselves. so we arn't too sure whether we will get our little holiday to center parks after all.

However next weekend we are off to Mohnasee(dambusters) for a weekend of campling and activites for the familes. The men(army ) folk go down this Monday for a sailing course and activity courses.

The kids are quite excited, ive not been camping since i did my Duke of Edinburgh Award schemes in the 80's i just hope i can handle it lol.

V's skill assesment still have not come back, he emailed the recruiting team to see what is going on.

Ah well best crack on with this work book 

Slowly getting there

Im half way through my assignment now. Just got to work out what to write next. Its been painfully slow doing this assignment, but im not giving up and my tutor understands what has been going on. I hope to be able to send it off after the weekend. AS i then need to crack on with another assignment due in on the 6th of August.

We visted the area of the house we may be getting. Its only 2 streets worth of army houses in a German housing area. It has a big play park for the kids and a few German shops handy. Its about 10 mins away from the town center so is very built up. i couldn't find an obvious place for Benji to go for a run out.

The house its self is massive compared to what we have here. It has an area i could use as a study a proper laundry room, the kitchen and living area is double the size as is the garden. It has a lot of positives going for it. D my eldest however would have the very top floor with his own ensuite as that room only has a single wardrobe in it and not enough height room for any additional wardrobes. Im sure my 10 year old would love that. so we would have to use the family bathroom. I personaly think the move will be worth it, even if we only have 9 months left in the army. Its either that or in November we will move back to the UK which finacially would be difficult to afford to live as we want to.

Still no word back from the oz army, so V is going to get cracking on applying for our own visa now, time is ticking by and we need to be proactive.

Ive got just about everything ready to send off my application to the nursing board of NSW. Unfortunatly i only have one character reference as ive lost touch with alot of my old nursing friends witht he constant moving ive done over the years. I did have a good friend who is a teacher who was going to do a refeerence for me but she hasn't been qualified enough. Its annoying that my friends have to be in certain professions to be eligible to do a character reference for me. I haven't got a professional reference either as ive not worked for 5 years and my previous employer can not remember me. so the OU are giving me an academic reference instead. Im sure if i write a job summary it will show what experience ive had. Just hope it will be enough.

Right back to the assignment

Finally some one is listening to us

I have just come from a meeting with an educational psychologist who could actually offer some help with J. Thanks to my persistance we are finally getting somewhere. He is going to put together an action plan for the school so they can offer J the kind of education he needs and deserves. He acknowledged that his is a bright lad and above his peers with reading , numeracy and most other subjects. It is only the social aspect of things that are making it difficult for him. He understands his difficulities in dealing with groups and is going to put a plan in place to help J intergrate more with him.

We also spoke with the head teacher and he understands now why J has had a few problems in class setting. so hopefully when the school term starts in September it will be all action stations and life should get better for J.

WE have spoken to the kids about a possible move and in principle they are all for it. It will be a fresh start with J , he can play out with out the baggage of being labelled the 'naughty kid'. . Just got to find out if we can actually afford to move and if the army will give us assistance.

It sounds daft but as i listened to the educational psychologist  i found myself thinking of my course work in communication and thinking wow he is using the core skills of communication here. Which is what my assignment is about. Both V and i came out of the meeting with a renewed optimism for the future. WE know that life is going to be a challenge for us with J , but now we have the startings of a plan we hope no matter where we move to we will get the help we need with the professional information to hand over.

Back to the assignment now 

18 years of wedded bliss

Today is our wedding anniversary and it should be a happy occasion. But it has been overshadowed by a meeting today with the family who have accused J of terrorising the estate. It is mainly the woman who did all the talking. Not even listening to the welfare officers who are representing our units when offering her solutions. 

As i suspected the meeting achieved nothing other than this woman got an audience to rant and rave about how bad our son is. she would not listen to reason and could not accept her daughter has some responsibility in the situation. It boils down to she wants to be away from us and wants us to keep our boys away from her girls. She thinks we are bullies.

Im emotinally shaking after she doubts our parenting skills and put all her daughters problems squarely at our door.

Un known to this woman we have been offered a chance of  a 4 bedroom house 5k's away where all the other senior ranks are. Im seriously thinking about this move. As this woman really does intimate me and im sure she is trying to get back up from other familes to say we are awful.

Hopefully we are going to see the houses this week. It will be an upheaveful but i personally think if it gets us a chance to relax and live stress free then it is worth it. As keeping J in all the time for fear of what other things he gets accused off is affecting us all.

Although she may feel that if we move it will be her victory, at the end of the day, we get an extra bedroom so the boys arn't sharing anymore , a bigger garden and a much nicer 'posh' house. I know that if we do move some one else will be guilty of 'hurting' her daughter. So i know moving will give J chance to play out with out any hassle.

Ive got an assignment to get started , but tonight i will crack open the wine to celebrate not only being with V 18 years, but celebrating the success he had at the army 10 pin bowling championship. he got 5 trophies in all.

Well back to assignment

Things are looking better for Benji and for us.

Benji is definatly on the road to recovery. He is now eating and drinking on his own, a few days of hand feeding him and encouraging fluids have paid off. The lump is jelly like now and much smaller. The odema however has spread from his jaw down to the toes of his left paw. He is moving ok although limping or hoping on 3 legs at times. He looks as though he is no longer in as much pain and seems happier in him self. I was going to get him back to the vets today but i have no means to get him up there today. V has had to go to Frankfurt airport (left at 3am) So when they open up after 10 i shall arrange an appointment for Monday afternoon.

On Monday its our 18th wedding anniversary but instead of having a relaxing day, we have a meeting with the familes officer and the woman who has put the complaint in about J. Im not sure what this meeting will achieve as she will not listen to reason. We shall see what comes of it.

Tue i have to meet the educational psychologist at J's school so hopefully will find out what the way forward is for J in school.

Still haven't heard from the oz army regarding the skills assessment. However V now realises it might be time to start looking for alternative work in oz and start the visa process are selves. I highlighted a job for him(one of many i may add) and he got very excited about a job as a service manager for a truck company in West Melbourne, paying $150k a year. Ive not seen him that excited for a while, as the job is something he could do easily by transfering his army experience of running an army unit to a civvy organisation. He is going to be applying for it this weekend.

Ive now finished the work book i needed to to be able to start my assignment so i shall be starting to tackle that today and hope to have it finished by next week.

I know last week i was feeling very down but thanks to the support of friends on BE and here in Paderborn i am feeling much better. My problem as always is taking too much on and letting things get to me . So i am back to feeling more normal and will just tackle problems one at a time.

Well best get back to organising my assignment

A little bit of hope for Benji

Benji was back at the vets again today, another injection and was given some food replacement stuff to help keep him going. If i dont manage to get him to eat anything tonight then he is back to the vets in the morning for iv fluids.

The test so far have shown that it is not a bacterial infection, so is possibibly a virus. the good news is the lump is reducing in size although the odema is increasing at a shocking rate. He still has a high temp and hopefully the injection he had at dinner time should help with this. It is still a mystery as to what Benji has actually got. The vet is happy to say he hasn't got a tumor , as tumours would not shrink in size after antibiotic treatment.

Im trying to keep him cool whilst its in the 30's outside with no breeze. He has now given up walking as the odema is pressing down on the nerves across the top of his left leg . Trying to carry a springer spaniel is no easy task especially up and down all the flights of stairs we have.

Although im still worrying about him i feel easier knowing we are not dealing with a tumour.

My nursing skills are certainly being pushed to the limits caring for him.  Giving oral antibiotics, giving topical lotions to the affected area and now trying to keep him hydrated and feeding him a dog version of build up. Maybe i should retrain as a vet nurse lol.

Hopefully tommorow will see him starting to feel better, i hope so as its heart breaking seeing him suffering in silence unable to communicate how he feels.

Time to give him more fluids before i get the eldest off the school bus.

Benji is very poorly

Its been a worrying day . We took Benji tot he vets this morning, he was shaved to see if there were any signs externaly that would cause the swelling. That was negative. The vet then did an xray which showed up areas of pus but no foreign bodies. He has been given an injection a bit like a cortosoid. the vet thinks there is a slight chance it may be a tumour but as Benji is young he thinks its highly unlikely. The vet at this moment in time has no idea what has caused him to be so poorly. He had his usual run around on Friday and then Saturday afternoon we noticed the lump and we just dont know why .

This afternoon he has gone down hill rapidly. concerning us so much that V has taken him back to the vets. The swelling is increasing he has not eaten or drunk since last night. At one point he lay behind the front door and stayed motionless for a few hours. I honestly thought he had died.

WE are trying not to alarm the kids. D has already asked if he is going to die like Angus did. WE said no Angus was an old dog.

Fingers crossed he is going to be ok.

Trying to keep on top of problems

On Friday we got a copy of the officaila complaint this woman has put in against J. It was like reading a fairy story with onlya hint of the truth in to. She considers our son to be a grave danger to her daughters and to the estate in general. a load of rubbish.

Apparently a meeting on neutral ground is going to be arranged to sort out 'the problem'. However, i think no matter what we say she is adament its all down to J. so i feel it will be a waste of time.

 After a good night at my friends house, after a few drinks we put the world to rights and im now convinced that i need to remain where we are as we have not done any thing wrong and the whole situation has been blown out of all proportions by her family. I cant believe how low i felt with this situation. sounds daft but after reading the letter of complaint i know she has not got much chance of getting us moved on. I know i had it when the army pulls rank, but in this case it is a corporals wife against a senior rank. The army would sooner move her family out than some one of a higher rank. I never had used my husbands rank for anything. But as she has started the process and by using her husbands rank has opened up a whole can of 'political worms' then she wont have much a chance against us. I am hoping that she will see sense and can be sorted out amicably. 

Ive been given an extention by my tutor after i explained about my problems affecting my person life. Im still studying and will get there and hope to get my assignment done with in the 2 week window she has given me.

One problem that arose on Saturday is our dog Benji is very ill. He started off with a lump and odema around his neck , was off his food and very lethargic. His breathing became erratic so at 10pm he was rushed to the vets. She is not sure what is wrong with him. But gave him some antibiotics and anti inflamatory injections. He was a little better yesterday, managed to eat a small amount. But last night i noticed the swelling was spreading across his cest to his leg. He now is limbing very badly. the vet opens at 10.30 so we are taking him there again. He has always been my shadow, where ever i go he follows (including the loo). Its painfull to watch his trying to stand up to follow me he manages to hobble a few steps before he gives up. It took him 30 mins to get up the stairs to be with me while im studying. 

WEll back to the books

Ive had enough of everything

I really am down today, ive already been crying due to a certain girls mum having another go at me about J.

Yesterday, J had been playing happily with his little friends for a good few hours, then this girl who j has a problem with, came up and started teasing him and winding him up. Knowing fine well that he loses his temper very quickly when provoked. well he thumped her and of course she went running off to her mother to tell her J had hit her for no reason. The mother chased him but never caught him. I told him off for hitting the girl and have grounded him.

what gets me is this girl is doing it on purpose to get him into trouble, other adults have witnessed what she has been doing. She is also 2 years older and her sister is in J's class and she has no problem with him.

So this morning the mother told me that she is reporting us to the families office and is insisting that we be moved off the estate as J is a lose cannon and causes too much trouble. In the same breath she says she has no problem with me. As J hit her daughter for no reason. I informed just what her daughter has been doing and as usual it falls on deaf ears. However when i tell her that other adults have seen her wind J up and then laughing after words when he is being grounded or told off. she defends her daughter still by saying well she hasn't hit him.

I have just had enough i cant bear it no more, im doing my best , V and i have tried every suggestion that the professionals have come up with.

In my mind ive decided it will be best if we return to our own home , However V thinks we are running away from our problems.

I dont care any more i just want it to stop, all the pointing fingers all the acusations , my mental health is suffering my studying is suffering and our family is suffering.

I doubt it will be better back in Durham, but at least i can have him on the soya diet completely as we are finding it so difficult to get stuff here. 

I wish i could get 'me' time but i cant very often , however ive been invited out on Friday night to a friends house away from this estate to a candle party. A chance to escape for a few hours.  

Well ive got studying to try and get done , my tutor has given me extra time to complete my assignment as im nowhere near to being ready to complete it.

Not sure what to do next

As i suspected the dr has taken me off the orlistat claiming they are not working. Despite the fact ive lost another kg this month. My weight loss has always been slow even before i found out about my thyroid.

He has now refered me to a dietician to see what more can be done. I feel so demoralised at the moment. Before christmas i was 92 kg and im now 84kg so my weight is moving in the right direction. The dr reckons i have a sydrome that causes me not to burn carlories (Cant remember the name)  as i should and he is doing further research to see what the solution is.

I asked about the gastric lap bandand he says im not suitable for it as im not a binge eater, nor am i obeses enough. Instead of being being clincally obese he now considers me to be on the border lines of over weight and obese. 

Ah well back to the books

Life does make me feel frustrated at times.

Yesterday we had a review with the camhs team. WE waited over an hour to be seen. WE tooki J out of school at 1.30 for his appointment at 2pm. We got to the med center a 1.50 and werre told the mental health nurse hadn't arrived but they were expecting her soon. 20 mins later still no sign of her the receptionist told us another 20 mins as she was on her way. WE were about to leave when she finally arrived at 3pm. V was spitting bricks and i was none to pleased either. J had become very cross and bored with waiting so when we finally got into her office, he played up really badly.

i asked her about what we should do regarding J getting blamed by other kids parents for stuff he had not done and about the situation we had a few weeks ago. She could offer no advice. Great i thought. She then asked us to leave so she could work alone with J. WE gladly went to get a coffee and vented our frustration out on a ginger snap lol.

Any how we go back in and she claims  that J has a an ego problem as he drew himself as large compared to his other siblings. Daddy was very tall but had called him dummy, she reckons that it shows that dad was boss but couldn't explain the dummy bit. His siblings he drew as smallish and he included his cousins from Scotland. I was almost microscopic in appearance and she never mentioned that. she did say she would refer him to an educational psychologist as she feels that as he is so bright he is not being challenged educationally and is bored and not enjoying school. I could have told her that and im no mental health nurse.

WE really do want what is best but at times even the professional leave us feeling confused and frustrated.

The past few days ive found it really hard to study, My gran's birthday has played heavily with my emotions and ablity to concentrate.

Tommorow im back at the drs and no doubt i will not have lost enough weight despite trying my hardest, so i know he wont prescribe the orlistat any more. I just have no idea of where to go from here with my weight. Having hypothroidism has certainly played a big part in finding it hard to lose weight.

If the dr thinks im so obese then im going to ask for a gastric band as ive treid every diet going and even exercising wasn't helping. Infact my weight even went up hire.

Ah well we shall see tommorow what he says. im off for a brew and an early night.

Happy Birthday Granma

How i wish i could say it to you. Its been nearly 6 months since you left me to join Granda , Uncle Steve , Ina , Walter and David in the peaceful place called heaven. Im sure you are all looking down on us and keeping us from harm.

 There is so many things i still had to tell you and so many things i wanted to show you, i wish i could you show you the photos of the house we live in. I remember when i first left home you said, sweetheart send me a photo of your room in the nurses home and the views you can see from it. I did as well, you told me it made you feel closer to me. Every house ive lived in while being away i have done the same. When we moved to Germany i promised you i would show you footage of the house V had taken, but we  just never found the time. I regret that now. No more will i be able to share the excitement i feel on seeing something new.

I miss you so much still granma , but im trying to keep it together so i can pass my studies and make you proud. you always said i wore my heart on my sleeve and it would get broken. Yet you always told me to be true to myself. So being true to my self i will always see teh good in everyone and i know i will get hurt at times. But im sure i could be no other way.

I try to get on with my parents as i know that is what you wanted, i will never have the automatic love for them that i had with you.

I hope if you can see us that you will be proud of me and the family as we work hard to make a decent life for ourselves.

I know you liked a drink on special occasions so i shall say bottoms up and have a good birthday, sorry i cant put flowers on your grave or place a card on it. I shall do that next time im back in the UK.

Just so you know when we finally get our own block of land in oz and build our house, im planting some special roses for you and the rest of the freinds and family i have lost to heaven.

For ever in my heart your loving grandaughter xxxxxxxx

starting to make plans

I got a call from a small school near to where our house in Durham is. They havereserved a place for all 3 boys till we can confirm for definite if we need to go back to the UK. the head teacher sounded lovely and fully understood why we needed to make plans incase we were moving back to the UK in the October school holidays. I feel easier on that score now.

Part of me thinks it would be best to go back and wait to move to oz.

V is in discussions with the big wigs to see what is happening regarding us staying in Germany or returning. If he remains financially the benefits are greater for us tax free stuff the extra living allowance. If the army will pay for removals in April if we haven't secured a move to oz by then with the oz army then we will stay in Germany and move back to our house in April. However if they wont pay for removals in April then we will return back to the UK in October and wait till we move to oz via the army or my other means.

WE are hoping that before we start the summer hols we will know what is happening and will plan accordingly.

In the meantime the police , estate agent and my parents between them have emptied the house and the locks have been changed . WE will need to get a cleaner in to sort the place out and the EA is sorting that out. my parents are going over today to check what damage was made when the police carried out a through search of the house.

So for now im plodding on with my remaining OU course and just take things as they come.

Relief and exhaustion

My exam went ok i suppose, not what i expected and i found a lot of what i had revised i was not really able to use, which was a shame. I dont think i could have done any more than what i did. I did my best and now its up to the markers. I find out in Sept/ Oct.

Tommorow im back to studying my level 3 course as ive got an assignment due on the 2nd of July. So i have my work cut out to catch up.

Im exhausted and just want to sleep so while the kids are out playing im going to snooze on the settee. Ive told them all its a take away for tea as i simply dont have any energy left in me.

Exam and limbo land

Ive just taken a quick break from my exam revision, this time tommorow i will be sitting a 3 hour exam, in an area i have never been to before. v has got the address plumed in to the sat nav. Im already jittery and feeling sick, so god knows what i will be like tommorow.

In amongst all the revision ive had to start making plans about our future. At the moment it looks like we will be moving back to our old house in the October/November school holidays.

I phoned one of the local schools near to our house and they wont be able to take the boys as they will be full. Ive not contacted their old school as the dragon in charge i never want to see again. So i contacted the last reamining school with in walking distance a small school of under 100 pupils. they have taken my details and will phone me back with a view to discussing then joining the school. WE are hoping it will only be till the summer of next year, but we cant be sure.

The police still have the keys to our house and are still investingating the tenant who appears to have done a runner. My parents and estate agent also informed the police that they were going to evict him for none payment of resnt and utility bills so hopefully Npower will realise that the bills are not ours but his.

V is off to order the new car, as the car we had has to be handed back next month as it was on a special lease deal. Instead we are getting a good deal on a Zaffera Breeze which we will pay off completly when V gets his lump sum from the army in April.

He still wants to wait for the oz army to accept him and move us over. However i have told him to be more proactive and apply for jobs and see if we can get to oz another way.

WE shall see what happens. Once thing we do know moving back to Durham is only going to be tempoary as we fully expect to be living in Australia next year at some point.

WEll i best get on with revision

I could scream

WE are not having a good time right now, ive got an exam on Wed, and despite my hardest to concentrate on that loads of things are distracting me.

Firstly we got an email from the oz army recruiting , it seems we may not be getting to oz when we planned next year, due to V quals not coming back from assesment we wont be getting an interview in August this year and the next interview board is next August. So V will be out of the army in April in if still in Germany will have to self fund a move back to the UK. That is unless we spend the last 6 months of the army in the UK. so we may in November be moving back in limbo waiting for the oz army.

Then today the estate agent and my parents vist our house as our tenant has not taken any notice of the letters demanding the rent and utilitiy bills to be paid.

They saw a light up in our attic and it turns out he is growing cannabis in our home. They are now waiting for the police to arrive . So where does that leave us, well out of pocket he hasn't apid us since January and owes for the utilities since he moved in.

Im furious and shaking right now. Why is all this crap happening now. My head is spining with what is going on. Im not sure i want to move back to my house any more as i feel as though it has been violated. I loved the house but not the area.

So V and i are going to have a long chat about our future and what happens , do we ditch going via the army and find our own way over to suit us and pay a fortune to get their. OR to we ride it out and wait for the oz army.

Ah well time to go out in the pouring rain and pick the boys up from school.

Why is it always happening to us

What should have been a good weekend for us, turned into another disaster.

On Saturday we got an irate mother at our door, claiming J had punched her daughter in the eye. She told us in no uncertain terms that if she sees him out playing in the streets she will get the police involved.

This all stems for earlier in the week when J has teased the girl about her weight, she came to the door complaining , so i had a word with j saying it wasnt nice, as a responsible parent does. Any how next day i get a telephone call from the school saying that the mother has come to the school very upset due to J calling her daughter names. Again we had a word told him off and and asked why he was calling her names. He told us that she swears at him and has been nasty to him.

Next day same mother rants and raves at J he is not sure why, witnessed by the next door neighbour who's garden my son was in playing with his friend.

We ask him what he had done, he says nothing naughty, but she tells him she is getting the police to arrest him for being nasty.

So on Saturday when its claimed that he has punched her in the eye , we have a real go at him(once she had gone) However she then accuses V of hitting me and bringing up violent thugs.

It turns out her daughter has exagarated most of the name calling and j flicked her cap off her head and threw it in the garden, he did not punch her.

Now we are not the sort of parents that believe all that our kids tell us we always ask witnesses, so in this instance a witness was asked and confirmed what j did. So V went to her house and informed her very diplomatically (i add) that her daughter was not telling the whole truth. She was having none of it.

So today when i took him to school i had a chat with the class teacher and asked that they make sure that as far as possible that J does not go near this child or her sister. the fact that the one accusing him , is 2 years older in my middle sons class. However the younger sister is in his class.

I informed the teacher how this woman is just waiting for an excuse to get the police involved and make life even worse for J  

 Not only has this being going off, but C our middle son was stranggled again by the same lad who stamped on his neck a few weeks back. That time we informed the mother and she gave V a right verbal bashing using more swear words than even he knew.

so this time we didn't bother the parents, we just encourged the eldest to hellp sort out this bully. Now i hate this sort of thing, kids fighting, but this kid needs to be sorted out as he constantly bullies C and his young friends, he is also 2 years older than C. so David sorted it out and he is now giving the boys a widebirth.

Poor j is now confined to the house for the forseeable future not because of bad behaviour but to protect him from being blamed for things he hasn't done.

This happened a few weeks ago when J was in the shower and a kid comes to the door saying j had just broken the spokes on his bike and we had to pay for the damage. V laughed and said no way he is in the shower and had been in for the past few hours. Now had J been outside playing then no doubt we would have had a hard job proving his innocence.

This is really bugging me, just because he has caused damage to some cars prior to his change in diet, he now is the automatic scape goat. i was so upset and annoyed yesterday, as J cant couldn't even go to play in our garden as his accusers live a few doors down from us.

I know moving to oz wont stop this sort of thing from happening but at least it will be a clean break and if we get to live on acerage then we wont have near neighbours.

I almost feel like becoming a recluse and shutting us all in.

Where does the time go to

Another year older. To be honest i actually forgot my birthday this year, ive been so busy with study that the days just seem to go past with out me realising. In fact i think even V only remembered yesterday when the kids asked if he had bought a card. no wonder they all disappeared before the shops closed after tea.

Any how the kids got me some milk tray and heros (guess i will have one or two). got a lovley card from V and the kids with a westie on, it made me smile but also brought back memories of Angus, the likeness was un canny.

i got the best present the other day when i got my results from my assignment i passed. The relief i feel is immense. Revision is going well, condensed the first work book to key points using a power point presentation. Will do work book 2 today. I have 7 in total. Ive also done a spider gram so as i remember or need reminding of certain points i can add it to revision notes.

So what have i achieved in 38 years, i trained to be an EN, married V(18 years next month), had 3 wonderful boys, have lived abroad and have been happy with my lot so far. What do i still want to achieve, well i want to get my degree, i want to live in oz and i want to get back to nursng. i also want to see my boys grow up to be well adjusted boys who enjoy life  Can i achieve it all, i hope so.

If all goes well we should be in oz this time next year, i should get my degree before the end of next year. the rest will have to wait and see.

Well got to crack on with revision

Finally finished that assignment

I sent my 2 nd assignment off today as my tutor had requested it. Im still feeling nervous about it as i would have like a final proof read from my friend . Never mind just got to hope i did enough to pass.

Im starting to get myself organised ready to start my revision. I need to get my printer all sorted out a job for V to do. Im going to do study plan and hopefully i can stick to it. My exam is on the 18th and i had hoped for a welfare car to take me up to Gutersloh, but unfortunatly i cant be certain of a lift being avaliable. So V has arranged for a mate to take me while he gets the kids to school.

Im nervous but i know i can do it and i just hope i pass. Last year i enjoyed the exam prep study day but unfortunatly this year i cant get to any. So my tutor has promised to sent me revision notes and handouts to help me. Also they have set up a forum or chat facility for my course so i will try and use that to.

Although i have revision to do i cant afford to fall back on my K309 course so i will have to work on that at least once a week before the exam.

Ive promised my self that once this exam is over i will get back to the gym at least once a week seen as i will be down to one course again.

Well im going to enjoy a cuppa now and chill before i have to pick the kids up, i think ive deserved that much.

OMG lucky to get out alive

Last night we had yet another thunder and lightening storm, this time it had far reaching consequences.

Some time just before midnight V and I were woken up by a loud clap(and scared the living day lights out of us) and thunder immediatly followed by lightening then we heard an explosion, intially we thought it was just our imagination playing tricks with us. Any how not able to sleep and hearing another loud bang we got up, i got smell smoke V couldn't we checked the house and nothing. then we noticed what we thought was constant lightening. after opening the sky light we saw flames and smoke on a house 4 doors away. Luckily the German fire brigade were already there. V got dressed to make sure our car was not in the way.

When he came back he told me that a house had been struck by lightening on the roof. This is where it get scary as all the master bedrooms in our estate are in the attic. OMG there were 2 fire engines with the cranes extended up at roof level 6 in total down our street . By this time people were out in the street praying that occupants were ok. A big cheer erupted when we saw a man being led out with his dog. Rather shaken but uninjured.Then the crowd got worried when they saw a stretcher going in and coming out with a blanket covering something. It went deathly quiet every one fearing the worst. A huge sigh of relief was heard when the blanket was uncovered and it was just some equipment being moved out of the house. 

By some miracle the mans wife and children were away in the UK other wise it could have been much worse. It has rained all night and in the light its very easy to see the damage to the roof line. The houses are in a terrace format so the house next door has had to be evacuated and the other house joined on is our friends who thankfully are in the UK also.

It has certainly got the whole estate concerned as there is no escape from the roof, we have a velux window in our room that opens up but no ladders or anything to help aid escape. Jumping 3 storeys does not appeal to me.

This morning it was a very nervous estate. None of us slept much it was after 2 this morning before the last of the flames were put out and the fire brigade left the scene.

As an army community we will rally round and help the unfortunate family with clearing the house and moving the furniture out as the house will be no longer habitbal until repairs and an investigation is done.

What worries us is it could have been worse and none of us could have helped if the man had been trapped in his bedroom. Luckily for him he was not asleep when it happened and escaped.

What a storm we had

Last night was the first time ive witnessed a lightening storm, the whole sky lit up . V described it like being in the Gulf in 1990 when bombs were flying and craching all around. It was amazing to watch. J slept through the whole 3 hours of it. D and C never managed to get to sleep before it started. At around 11pm hail stones started hitting the sky lights the size of golf balls they were. It was scary and exciting . Benji was terrifed and hit under the bed. once the hail atopped we saw some daft people playing snow ball fights, it was so surreal , nearly June and the ground was white all over.

The lightening lasted till after midnight, it finally calmed down enough for us to get some sleep at around 1am. We are all knackered now though.

Every one around is all talking about this freaky storm, i just hope we dont have another like it again, as when i was closing the sky light in our bathroom i saw fork lightening just above the row of houses in froont of us and it left me with a stiniking headache and problems with my vision. V reckons it was like arc eye what welders some times get. It wasn't nice.

I still havent finished my assignment ive got half way and i will tackle some more tommorow when the kids are sorted out.

kids on holidays and assignments dont mix

Im having a mare trying to get this assignment done. The kids have been grounded for bad behaviour over the past couple of days. They are doing my head in. Ive managed to get so little work done its just not funny. When i planned my work schedule i forgot the kids were on holiday. V is at work till Thursday so im going to have to work over the weekend otherwise this assignment just wont get done. i cant even subsitute this either as with level 3 courses there are no subsitutions and having failed my first assignment i need to get a good grade on this one.

Ive put a film on for the boys but already i can hear arguments down stairs. Why cant they just happily watch a film so i can crack on and get my working brain on.

I was at the drs today and ive lost another 3 kg, feeling happier, although this new dr seems to think the orlistat is not working effectivly. If i havent lost another 3 kgs next month then he wants me to come off them.

Well i certainly think they are working, so lets hope the weight continues to come off.

Any how back to refereeing the toe rags. Give me strength!!!!!!!!!

I cant believe it

Ive got my result back for my final assignment for K202. and not only have i passed it, BUT i got 70% the highest ive had for any of my assignments. AS i keep telling people i am not academic and although i probably know the subject im tackling i find it difficult putting it down in assignments and exams.

That assignment was a pig , it was all about human rights and that tie in with care, welfare and community. I honestly expected to just scrape a pass. But to get the mark i did im delighted. Ive still got the exam to do so i still havent finished yet and im not building my hopes up yet.

Ive started on my K309 assignment but so far haven't finished the introduction. I will be pleased to get that done. Then i can concentrate on my exam.

Im just hoping this good fortune is going to stay as i need a really good result to make sure i get my BSc next year.

Ah well the kids are off school and are shouting for my attention so id best go (off i go skipping with happiness)

Slowly getting there

Well my hard work this week has paid off. Ive completed my workbook and hope to start preparing for my assignment. My tutor has given me extra time as all the stuff with D has caused a few problems resulting in me being behind schedule.

The lovey Asher has agreed to proof read my assignment, which means a lot to me. As i can not afford to fail this assignment.

Once this is done then i will start my prep for revision for my other course. At least the end is in sight for that course.

Ive got a splitting headache from all the reading ive had to do, and im near exhaustion so will get to bed soon.

Ive got a lot of the prep done for my application to the NMB NSW, one referee has agreed. My last employer  has still got me down on the old staff list so i can prove when i last worked.

I cant believe how much paper work is involved with enrolling on the register.

Well thats it for now

Some good news at last

On Thursday, J saw the paedatrician, she has formally diagnosed him as having ADHD at the lower scale of the spectrum, so now he can get the extra support he needs in school. He will also be assigned a CAMHS nurse, who can support us with management stratagies to cope with his frustration and the anger he often gets when he is frustrated.

Educationally he is doing well, above average for all subjects, he just doesn't cope too well with some class room situations. The soya diet we put him on before Easter is certainly improving his concentration and he is a lot calmer. The paeds are pleased with that and have noted it in his file so that we can get support on keeping him on a diary free diet from the school.

I also had some good news, ive been very concerned about my nurse registration which is due in October. I have emailed both NBV and NMB(NSW) and finally i got an email from the NMB, that i am eliagble to enroll on the register with them, despite having not worked for a while. So being honest has paid off. Ive emailed an old friend of mine who i worked with years ago to ask her if she will give me a character reference. Im still waiting for her to reply. Ive also emailed an old tutor of mine from the OU to see if he will also give me a reference. Im still waiting for a reply on that too. Ive also tracked down my last employer and emailed her ages ago but ive not had any response so i may have to either phone or write via snail mail.

Ive got the information ready to send off for my verification pack via the NMC. I still need to fill in the application form, but ive not been able to type the the info required on the document as it is not a Word doc. Never mind i just need to save it to my memory stick and see if V can print it off at work. Our printer is out of ink and have not found a supplier yet.

D seems to be coping well after his ordeal last weekend. C still needs to be formally interviewed by the RMP's but they failed to turn up on Friday when they arranged to see him.

So far this weekend has been reasonably ok, the weather has been awful but the kids have been ok just playing with their friends in the house.

We are hoping V hears some news soon from the ADF, as we want to just get on with things.

Ive got another assignment due soon (25th of May) so im going to have to work like a trojan to get the work book finished so i can tackle the3 question set. I am finding the level 3 course harder than i imagined, im having to use a dictionary at times just to understand the words in the books. So much for it being a course on Communication in health care. Never mind im sure i will get there in the end. Once ive got this assignment done i will have to crack on with the revision for my exam. Im just hoping V gets some ink soon, as i need to do my revision mind maps and other aids so i can print them and use them right up till before the exam.

Im getting quite nervous about the exam already. I some times think ive bitten off more than i can chew doing 2 courses the way i have done.

Well id best get on with some laundry and other things as the well as getting J off to bed.

The aftermath after the weekend

D has spent most of the afternoon with the RMP's at their station in Sennelarger near to his school. V was with him. He gave what amounted to as an 8 page statement. They are taking it very serious what happened to him and we have told D we will support him to get the man charged. D has been having night mares ever since it happened, although he had not told us that, we suspected it. He spoke with an military police man who has had special training to deal with children and after 2 hours he felt D had had enough for one day, as he was becoming quite emotional. so tommorow he will be getting his bruising photographed as logged correctly at the med center.

Im trying hard not to wrap the boys in cotton wool and allow them to play with their freinds as normal. But D is refusing to go any where other than his best friends garden which is very close to our house.

Im trying to keep the normal routine going as much as possible, partly as it makes me feel better.

I should have been studying today but after 2 nights of very little sleep i had very little energy to study. I shall attempt to get an early night tonight, now the boys are in bed. I think an alcholic drink might do the trick.

Ive already told V that this weekend i want to be away from the area so we can feel relaxed and the boys can play and have fun.

We arn't sure how long things will take before things go to court, as the man is refusing to attempt what he did but with witnesses we hope it wont take long as we want to put it all behind us.

V and I have tried not to think what could of happened to our son, as to do that would drive is both up the wall and possibily into insanity.

Instead we are just grateful that he is still with us , bruised and shaken but he is alive and well, which is the main thing.

The support from friends has been amazing , no one can imagine what it is like to see your child suffer and be frightened , but im sure with some help he will be able to get over this.

Im off now to have a stiff drink and curl up and think off better things that we hope to do in the future.

The moment every parent dreads, your child being snatched

Yesterday we got a message through our door intercom telling us that an old German man had taken our 10 year old son, from our middle son and the friend they had being playing with.

V flew out of the house and i followed (in the process slamming the door with the keys in it). We ran along the street and round the corner to where we knew the kids had been playing football. My heart was in my mouth not really knowing what had happened. When we got to the area, a hugh sigh of relief swept over us as we saw our son. He looked absolutly terrorfied , he must of been scared as he had soiled himself when it happened. 

It turns out a man had tried to snatch him and he had clung onto an electric box for dear life, the man had slapped him twice and was incredabily aggressive towards him. Some passerby and a woman who lived right next to the area it happened intervened and saved him from god knows what. The man claims that D had been throwing stones at his garden but he denies it as does his younger brother , the witnesses to the event never saw any stones being thrown either. Once we identified what had happened we called the royal Military police and they inturn called the German Civil police. D had screemed so loudly that there were plenty of witness who heard and saw most of what had happened.

The main witness and first on the scene actually heard the slaps.

I headed back home to find my self locked out, but luckily i hadn't locked the patio door and managed to get it. While V went looking for the man who had assaulted him, so he could give the police an address.

The boys had a late night while they were interviewed by both the GCP and the RMP. C the middle boy complained of a bad tummy at bed time and slept very poorly, meanwhile D tossed and turned most of the night . It really has scared them.

Today the boys the boys have not ventured further than to their friends house close to home.

It scares me to think of what could have happened if people had not been there. We dont know what the mans intentions were , but we have told the police we wish to make a complaint about him attempting to abduct and asaulting our son. Hopefully we will be informed of what happens to the man.

Even if our son had thrown stones he would  not  have deserved the treatment he got from the old man.

The witness who saw it reckons that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 Tonight after D came out of the shower i noticed bruising under his arm and across his shoulder, judging by where the marks are it could be seen where the man had held D. We have taken photos to add to the statement that we are handing to the families officer.

Tonight my middle son has said he doesn't want to go to school as he will have to pass the area where D was traumatised, ive reassured him that we will go to school together and i will inform the school about what had happened.

Hopefully tonight the boys will sleep better.

Got my head around my assignment

My assignment is i feel nearly finished now. My course forum were no help as no one came forward when i asked for help. But  for once my tutor actually replied to my email asking for help and with extra pointers i feel as though i have done well. It wont be a master piece getting loads of marks but, just to get a pass will do me.

My other tutor on my other course has also reponded to my email wanting further clarification on how she wants the essays done. It bugs me each tutor has their own way of how they like their students to write. Never mind im sure i will adapt to her style soon.

Its gorgeous outside today and as the cleaner has been in the house looks brill. How i wish i could afford for her to come in everyday and sort my life out. Ive managed to get the bedding washed and on the line so i hope this good weather continues and i can get all the laundry done.

Ive got an aplication form on its way from the nursing home where my sister works to supplement her nurse training. the matron said there would be no gaurantee of work.

 Im off down to the local bakery to treat myself to a ham salad sarnie and a bottle of pop. I feel i deserve a treat

My brain hurts

I got the results back from my last assignment and thankfully i have passed.

However my current assignment is proving to be a night mare and i cant find any one i can bounce ideas off to help me get it done. Its all about human rights and social care practice. But my brain is melting with so much information and just not knowing where to start and what to include.

Ive emailed my tutor for some advice and pointers but i doubt he will respond as so far on this course ive recieved no help and no information that others got at tutorials. So i am disadvantaged to say the least.

Im off for a cuppa and hopefully it will all appear and i will get it done by Friday.

Its so unfair it gorgeous outside and im stuck up in our attic bedroom and i cant open the window as its a fire escape window and opens so fully that i get a gale blowing through the room.

Grrrh i need inspiration !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

A good weekend

For the first time in ages, the sun shone for us over a weekend.

On Fri, v had the day off work and we got all the shopping we needed to do for the week. this meant that we had a relaxing weekend to go some where. On Saturday we were invited to a barbie by people we know. We had a good time, J behaved himself which meant i was less stressed (the soya diet is certainly helping him). I got rather tiddly on the 'house punch' not sure what was in it but it tasted ok.

Sunday we went up to Hameln were we lived the last time we lived in Germany, we saw the pied piper play, although in German i knew enough from memory to translate roughly for the kids. Well impressed i was. the town has changed a lot in some places but thankfully not enough for us to get lost. Loads of photos were took, we drove round our old married quarter, passed where we used to work. then explored the hills over looking the town, we went up Ohr park and the view was fantastic, we had a picnic looking down on the valley and river below. Then we drove to the other hight point the Kluttum momument, we climed the tower and what a view the whole of Hameln infront of us. We pointed out to the boys where we had walked and the land marks. In all a fantastic day .

We also saw no less than 5 westies and we all looked whistfully and remembered Angus.

The kids fell asleep almost as soon as their heads hit the pillows last night. The fresh air certainly knoacked us all out.

Ive had a few replies regarding my registration both in the UK, i need to do 450 hours off work before Oct if i want to re register. Nbv have sent me a link to down load the application form, so ive got nothing to lose by filling it in and getting all the verification done. Hopefully it will get accepted and once in oz can get a return to practice course done.

Ive asked my sister to see if it would be possible for me to work 10 nights shifts after my exam in June for a few months  to get my hours up. The money would come in handy. V is not keen on the idea though, as every month i would be leaving him with the kids for 10 days while i studied and worked back in the UK. It is a means to an end for me. It enables me to re register again with out any worries.

My very last option would be to do an Enrolled Nurse training course in Wodonga which would last a year and the earliest i could do it would be Jan 2010, as we would not be there in time for me to be on next years course. I dont particullay have to go down this route as i already have the qualification and i want to progress on and not start again.

Any how we shall see.

Ive started my final assignment for K202 and hope to have it finished before Friday. Then i will have to crack on and get all the work done for my K309 course. Then as soon as ive done that assignment i can get my revision done for my K202 exam.

Ive never known me to be so organised i just hope i pull it off.

Upsetting news from the UK

The phone call i have been dreading arrived this morning. My beloved Westie Angus has died. He had a heart attack. I will phone my Mil up tonight to get more details, as it was my SIL that informed us.

Angus was a gorgeous teddy bear of a dog he was my baby before i had the boys. He was my companion for so long. It broke my heart when he was not allowed to travel with us to Germany due to the epilepsy he developed in 2006. My MIL kindly took him and tinker the cat on and has loved him and cared for him so well.

Tears are welling up as i write. Im just so glad we saw him at easter and could once again give him love.

When we get to oz i will get another Westie as i love the breed so much.

RIP Angus

Trying to be organised

Tma 6 is now gone and im awaiting the results, ive nearly finished work book 7 and will get that assignment done. Then will have to switch on to my K309 course as i have my 2nd assignment to get done before the end of May. Once that is done it will be revision for my exam in June for K202. I just hope i can get all that done.

I have found it really hard having to struggle with 2 courses. i must have been mad to think i could pull it off and get good grades. Never mind one the exam is over i can give my full attention to my K309 course.

I had a panic last night as i realised that in October my Enrolled Nurse registration is up for renewal. Unfortunatly as i have not worked for 6 years (can it really be that long) So i emailed the NMC to find out what the score is. I know  i need to do an 'return to practice' course. But how can i do that while living in an army garrison in Germany. So trying to be organised i came up with a possible soloution, i could  while still registered send off to register for one of the oz states either Victoria or New South Wales. That way in a year when i get over i would be eligable to a return to practice in oz (i hope) any how ive asked a few questions on various  websites for nurses in oz so hope to get some answers on that on.

Or i could leave V with the kids for a few months in Germany while i go back to the UK and do a 10 week course in Newcastle. That would mean having to live with my parents for that time. Not something i really want to do.

last option would be to re do my EN training in oz once we are settled. Why cant live be more simple.

Any way best crack on ive got a lot to get done if my plan ive set is too work

Proud mummy moment

Today my middle son C is representing his school in both a fun run and cross country.

As army schools tend to be wide spread, he is travelling to Herford around 2 hours away from us in Paderborn.

At the weekend we bought him a track suit and t shirt to wear, he has packed all his spare clothes and spare shoes ready for the day. He was so eager to get to school this morning he forgot his packed lunch that he needed to take. Just as well i spotted it when it was time for J to go to school.

I managed to get it to him before he got on the coach. I really did want to go to support him but parents were not allowed. I told him i was proud of him no matter where he comes or what time he does it in. As this is the first competion he has been in. I know he will do his best and for me that is all that matters. I look forward to him coming from school tonight and telling me all about it.

Ive finally started my assignment so id best crack on with it

When the unexpected happens

It can give you a smile so big that the whole world can see.

Last year when i first joined face book after many BE members sent me requests to join them. I searched for a good friend of V who served in the army years ago. We knew he had married a Canadian and moved over there and kept in touch for a while but as life got in the way contact dropped as we moved around and possibibly he moved. I tried looking for him on BE but to no avail.

So imagine the shock and suprise when the leat expected did indeed happen.

WEll today i finally got a response to a message i sent to 4 people with the same name. I could have done cartwheels when i got a message saying yes you found me with his contact details, in an email via facebook.  I sent V a text and i can only imagine the smile on his face.

The thing with army life is quite often your close friends can become your family especially when you are serving abroad. So getting contact  again is like finding a long lost relative. a much loved one at that.

The sheer joy i feel on behalf of my hubby is immense as they became like brothers , like his other mate Fish who we finally hooked up with in Paderborn. Its almost like the brothers are back together again, only 2 more to find and im just hoping i finally find them too. With the internet it might just be possible.

No doubt V will hog the Pc tonight in sharing with Geordie the past 10 years of our life and hearing what he has been up to in 10 years. The best of it is if he were to turn up at our door tommorow then the past 10 years would just vanish and be just like the good ole days.

The army way of life can be harsh but the friends you make are usually for life even if you rarely see each other. Sharing and risking life in a dangerous and hostile environment is something you never forget and will always share with those trusted special people.

Such a shame i have never managed to find any of my old nursing student friends.

WE have had ackknowledgement today that the oz army have recieved our application form and are processing it now. So this is it we are in the system.

WEll back to my assignment now that ive calmed down and can concentrate again.

What an idiot i feel

Yesterday i realised that i had been studying the wrong book for my next assignment. How could i have possibly done that. It wasn't till i had finished one of the units(unit 21) that i thought i would look at the questions on offer for my next K202 assignment. i thought thats strange the questions dont relate to what id been studying, puzzled i looked at the guidence and when it said units 18, 19 and blah blah will be useful. Then it dawned on me. A quick email to my tutor and ive got an extention. My assignment is supposed to be in on Friday but ive now got till the end of the month to get it done. Not long  but im sure i can do it as yesterday i worked like a trojan and nearly finished unit 18, only 2 more to go then i will get my 6th assignment done.

Then my 7 th assignment is due on the 15th of May and ive an assignment due on the 25th of May for K309 and my K202 exam is on the 18th of June. So guess im going to be very busy for a while.

We are still having problems with our tenant, he has paid no rent for months, the utility bill is mounting up. He are going to get the agent to evict him  and hopefully we will get our money off him. So fed up with the situation.

J is improving on the soya milk and our friends who stayed with us were a real help with him. Mel who has taught older children with ADHD and Austism thinks he may have both conditions but mildly. she has seen him at both his worst and his best, so ive been guided by her tips and suggstions.

After seeing the CAMHS team we are still no further forward, the mental health nurse claimed she does,t like labelling children but with out a diagnosis written down he wont get the support he needs. Im even looking into star flower treatment for him. Its hard work trying to exclude dairy from him. Especially here in Germany as i can only get a limited amount of things for him from the  German shops. The Naffi have agreed to look into getting more stuff for him, but i wont hold my breath.

When we went back to the UK for the easter, it was really easy to get most of his favorite foods as dairy free alternatives. But now he is resticted and not quite as happy having to miss out.

WEll got to get back to them books. I just hope all this hard work pays off and i get a good result, god knows i need it.

Feeling disappointed

What a month ive had. The first 2 weeks were spent in the UK and too be honest i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would. It was very stressful as my parents. Despite my parents having a 5 bed house, it was so cluttered with crap that it was clostropobic. WE spent 3 days in Durham trying to sort out the estate agent our tenant has not been paying the rent ontop of the utillities bill he had not payed. WE then went up to Scotland and the weather was so cold and miserable we were all cooped up with my inlaws. Normally i get on great with them but there was a tension in the house as the slightest thing the boys did they were chastised for. Im normally strict with them but it was ridiculous the things they were getting wrong for.

We then returned back to my parents and stayed 2 further nights. We could not wait to leave the UK i never got the studying done i needed to do as the promised time to use the computers at both my parents and inlaws was extremly limited. So i had to ask for an extention on my K309 course (first assignment) not a good start.

i got my results back from my 6th assignment on K202 and had got a low mark despite all the effort i had put into it. So was really down about that.

Our friends from the UK had travelled back with us (in their car) for 10 days. They stayed in our room where i have my'study area' and that proved more difficult than i thought it would. they are lovley people a mother and daughter and we have had a great time with them. But i had expected them to visiting lots of places around Paderborn so that i could study while they were out. The daughter however didn't get up most days till after 11am. So i managed to get my assignement done in one session last week. They went out for the day only as i had the cleaner coming in. It was bliss to have space and time on my own to study. However it was not long enough as my result reflected. i failed my assignment. Im extremly dissapointed and have a dragging feeling in my stomach. Perhaps ive taken on too much trying to get my degree. Maybe academia is not for me.

Well ive got to crack on with my k202 course now as ive got an assignment due in 10 days time ARGH!!

Oh yeah our oz application to the army got send back. The numpties claimed we had not had the documents signed etc. But if they had looked on the back of the docs they would have seen the stamps and sigs. After much emails to them they agreed they had cocked up and for us to send them back again with a covering note. So lets hope we have no more problems.

Turning a corner perhaps?

Thank you to all who gave suggestions over ways to help J.

Yesterday we started by switching his normal milk on his cereal to Alpro soya milk. What a difference, he was much calmer and almost a different little boy. For the first time in ages we had a good laugh together, as he was back to his charming self again. It was short lived though V gave him some cheesy puffs to eat while they were out at the shops. Wont be doing that again.

Im trying my hardest to get an apt with the paeds people so we can have tests on food intolerence.

Im almost finished my assignment which is due in on Friday, (having a mental block so took a break)The Insurance company look as though they will pay for the damage to the cars. So we are going back to the UK as planned. Quite realived about that. I need a break from Paderborn.

To cheer my self up im finally getting my hair done, the works, cut, colour and new style.

My weight is still coming down , slowly but im happy. Im still getting tired though so not too sure how effective the level of thyroxine im on.

All the family have now been told that we have applied to the oz army. Not too sure how they will react if we get the go ahead. As although they have been supportive so far , i still think they dont think we will get in or go to the other side of the world.

It seems that every other asdvert on TV is about oz right now. I doubt we will have saved enough money up for the trip in Octber which i really wanted to do. But we will just have to wait and see.

WEll back to the assignment as my brain is starting to kick in again

The application has finally gone

Yesterday our application to the oz army has finally gone. We had to wait over a year before we could apply, V has spend the last few months preparing the application and yesterday the post office finally took it off our hands. It should take 2 weeks to reach them. Now its just a case of playing the waiting game.

We got the quote for one of the cars the J had damaged it has come in at E 900. Nearly died we cant afford it so we are seeing if our insurance will pay it. If not then its possible we will have to cancel the trip back to the UK and sell the DS lite we had bought for J. It really has put a dampner on things, as we had planned on gettting some new chest of drawers for the boys as their furniture is literally falling apart. that will have to wait now as well as replacing some other furniture that has seen better days.

We have our first visitors arriving on the 6th April, we had hoped to have the house looking good with no tatty furniture but they will just have to close their eyes to our less than perfect home. 

Well back to the books ive got an assignement that has to be in next week as thanks to help from BE ive managed to get some good ideas.

Testing for Jen!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Thank you to the Pm's and emails i recieved , the support i have been shown over my son has been fantastic.

We finally have an appointment to see a specialist in April, i wish we could have it sooner but just to have some help is a start.

The tension has slowly eased this week and although J is confined to the house he has accepted it quite well. Its my middle sons birthday tommorow and providing J is not in a mood tommorow then hopefully we will go out for a family meal.

It is still difficult taking J out in public for meals as everything has to be just so other wise he creates on so much it all becomes too much for us.

As usual my parents have not offered any support apart from the lad needs a good hiding for damaging the cars. It could be awkward staying with them at Easter but it will only be a short time so hopefully we wont get too stressed, as this will be the first time we have stayed with them as a family .

We have got the application form ready to send to the recruiting team for the oz army, V's boss has signed and stamped the docs as being certified copies, so fingers crossed we find out soon if we have got to the interview stage.

Got to crack on with my studies

Feeling numb

Thanks to Sam and Gill for your support. It means a lot to me.

Today has been difficult, J didn't want to go to school, he never mentioned the fact it was his birthday. He knows both V and i are upset over his behaviour yesterday. I informed his class teacher and assistant of what has happened.

When i tried to talk to him today about what he had done and why, he just replied that was yesterday.

We are waiting for the quotes to come back to see how much the repair of 2 cars is going to cost us. If it is too much then we will have to cancel our trip back to the Uk and get a refund of our tickets.

Im emotionally drained and just dont know where to turn. We have tried to get in touch with the Paeds department and with CAMHS but so far no joy. Being in Germany with the army can make it difficult when trying to get help as often the right people arn't based near you and it can mean a good hour or two's driving for a 10 min appointment.

Ive been trying to study today as i have 2 assignments to get done. But my head is all over the place. V is no better he is struggling at work today. 

I dread picking J up from school as i know the other parents will give me some funny looks, they already blame J for any problems on our estate. Which is why for such a long time we kept him in. So we are back to keeping him in so that we can know for certain he wont be causing any more damage.

I cant believe how over the past 4 years ive had such a struggle with him. As a baby apart from being born big (10lb10 oz) he was normal. Once he got to 2 year old he became so hyped up and my struggles began. Asked to leave play groups and toddler groups due to his behaviour. We asked for help then but all i got told was he will grow out of it. Once he gets to nursery he will be fine, once dad is home for good he will calm down and when he starts school you will notice his behaviour improve. Well none of that has made any difference.

Ive been so close to breaking down today when i spoke with his teachers .

The stress we are under is bad, and if im not carefull i will end up with a nervous break down. The last time i was like this was when i had problems with D not doing well at school and refusing to do homework. Then i got help from a volunteer who managed to get D to do his homework . I was on my own then as V was in Ireland and unable to help much. Nor did he understand how hard it was for me.

V now realises fully the preassure i was under then, as he is feeling it now. At least we can support each other and with a bit of luck get through this.

I wish kids came with a manual and could tell us what we need to do. 

Im trying to be positive and think it is only a glinch but i dont want my 6 year old to end up with an ASBO and us being sent back to the UK while V remains in post. That will break the family up for good.

Hopefully the help we need will be avaliable soon and things will turn themselves round.

What to do now?

Both V and I are at our wits end with J the youngest. After he damaged a car last year we had him on severe restictions as to playing out. I though since he had an invite to play at his freinds house accross the street i would let him go. The little toe rag didn't go to his freinds instead an irate mother brought him home as he had dammaged 2 cars throwing stones and scratching them  . We off course are going to pay for the damage. Its the final straw for V though. AS if J gets into any more trouble then we run the risk of being seperated as the army wont tolerate what they consider to be out of control children. V already has one family on a final warning from the army in his unit, in their case it is a teenager causing problems. From what we have been told that as J is so young it will be us as a family that will get sent .

Its his 6th birthday tommorow but we wont be celebrating it. It sounds cruel and i feel awful about that but we just cant seem to get through to him. We know from his visit to see the paeds that he possibibly is on the spectrum for ADHD. But so far we have not recieved the help we were promised . We are trying so hard to be good parents but we must be failing him if he is getting worse.

Life did seem to be getting better at one point but now it feels as though it is all going wrong again. We just dont know what to do any more. We have tried all the punishement and behaviour charts there are. So as a last resort we are having him put on virtual house arrest till we leave paderborn which will be another year. God help me as it wont be easy. As if i dont lock the doors then he sneaks out and goes wandering off and i never know where he is.

well know ive getting it off my chest im off for a cuppa then once the kids are all asleep it will be a stiff drink

Missing my Gran

Today after writing out my mothers day cards for our mams, it hit me that this year there wont be a card for my gran. Ive got a lump the size of coal in my throat as i stop my self from breaking into tears.

Because i dont have a great relationship with my mam, my gran has always taken her place in my affections. I am trying so hard to encourage the way my mam is with me. WE can talk about the weather , what the kids are doing but nothing personal. When i was a teenager, my mam called me all the names under the sun as in her words i was not the daughter she wanted, me to be. Unfortunatly that remark has stayed with me and although i go through the motions and get her a card out of a sense of duty. It was always my gran that i spent ages finding just the right card.

I miss her so much and just wish i could give her a big hug and tell her how much she means to me.

I try so hard to be a loving mam to the boys , even when they play me up and are right horror bags. I never want my boys to feel like the way my mam made me feel.

I know the boys are hiding something from me, as ive been told not to go into their school bags this week. What ever they are doing i know i will be happy with.

I know im not the only one feeling a little raw , this time of year, so for those who are facing a mothers day with out a mother figure or mother, then have a hug and love from me  

Back to the books now the weepiness is easing again.

A few days off for good behaviour

AS the kids are on 1/2 term , ive had a few days of not studying. How strange that is. Today we had a drive out to Mohnasee which is where the Brits in ww2 practiced for the bouncing bomb. Unfortunatly we couldn't find the damm its self. although over a decade ago we found it easily when we last lived in Germany.

Any how we packed the 3 boys, the dog and a winter picnic (flask of soup, sarnies , crisps and a large flask of coffee)

It was rather cold once we left the car and as as its was out of the tourist season the loos were locked. just as well the kids are male lol.

After skimming stones against the water and filling our stomachs up it was time to get home again.

Im awaiting the results from my latest assignment and ive got another one before easter leave and one to be in before we get back from leave.

So far im doing ok. My cleaner started last Thursday and what a difference it has made, i was ablre to concentrate completely on course work and my assignment. She is back in tommorow and thankfully the place is still reasonably tidy.

WE are looking forward to visiting family at Easter as we have decided that will be the last time we go back to the UK this year. WE simply can not afford the ferry fare. Nearly 1000E for the 5 of us .

WE got a quote back to fly from Frankfurt to Melbourne in Oct and we will have to save a fair bit to cover the costs. But with the forces discounts we may just manage it.

I know the Albury lot are longing for us to be there, sending adverts for houses we could afford to live in.

Hopefully by the summer we will know if we are successful in joining the oz army. Although we know now we could have a plan B as V has seen plenty of civvy jobs he could do in oz.

Im off to my bed now as im knackered , this cold weather just doesn't suit me at all.

Coronation street causes floods

Well I should never have watched corrie on Friday night. I was in floods of tears as Vera died in her sleep.

V laughed at me telling me it was only a soap, but it seemed so real and the past few weeks of emotinal turmoil ive been through im sure caused the flood gates to open.

Im sure im not the only person to have been in floods that night.

Some thing to look forward to, we are looking ahead to when my exams are over and we can come for our holiday to oz. We just cant decide where to go, Perth to see a long lost rellie of dads and visit the surrounding area, Queensland to the oz zoo, great barrier reef, or Melbourne where we know and love. Its so hard to decide, Ive told V im sure the kids wont mind where we go as long as we get there.

Any how my assignment needs completing so best get it done 

Trying to move on

Ive been back home a week now. The funeral went well i suppose. I managed to say the poem although my voice did wobble and croak a little.

i held it altogether till we got to the grave side. Then all my stiff up lip just came crashing down, luckily one of my older cousins managed to comfort me , as i collapsed into sobs that i had curtailed for so long.

It was strange going back to Durham and staying at my parents home, ive never had a fantastic relationship with them and at times the atmosphere was tense. My mam has taken the death very hard, enough though she never showed any emotion towards my gran when she was alive. I helped her as much as i could. The paper work has been horrendous as my gran never left a will. She had already told us what she wanted us to have, just never wrote it down.

I managed to get a little bit of studying done and im trying my hardest to stay focused to get this assignment done, hopefully by next week i will get it sent of to my tutor.

My new course materials arrived while i was away so i really do need to get my act together. So that im ready to start that course on time and not be behind on my current course.

Ive been fighting fatigue all week, i had my bloods done on Tues and i see the Dr next Tue to make sure everything is ok . D has had his final appointment at the hospital and they are happy is arm is healing well, he just needs to keep up the hand exercises as he has slight nerve damage that is affecting his little finger.

J has an appointment on Thurs to see the paeds to see if we can get to the bottom of his behaviour and what solutions are avaliable to us.

Im so looking forward to our holiday in oz in October im not bothered if we take the kids out of school for a few weeks as i feel it is so important for them to experience oz before we finally move next year. That sounds weired saying next year. As 2006 was when we first decided we wanted to got to oz.

People say time is a great healer and i know in time the emptieness i feel will ease. Last week as i burried my gran was also the 8th anniversary of Davids funeral, so its no wonder my emotions have been all over the place.

Last Saturday with our friends we all went to see Abba mania in Bielefeld and it was brillent, just what i needed to inject some fun back into my life. Im trying to be positive and to live my life in a good way.

My grans sister told me just recently that my Gran was so proud of the way i have just got on with things and bounced back after all the set backs i had in my teens. Just knowing that is making me more determined than ever to get this degree and start a fresh life in oz. A big part of me will always belong to Durham but i know i have the strength to just go out there and make a new life with my family.

Well back to the books, other wise this assignment will never get done.

Ps thanks to all those who have given me support when i most needed it   

A time to reflect

As 2008 begins, the death of my granma has weighed heavily on my mind, the things i never got to say, the things i never got to do with her.

I booked flights today so that i can get back before the funeral and get my head together. Ive asked my parents if i can say something at the funeral . I know i will be finding hard but i feel i need to say something, about the lady who i admired for so long.

i found this poem and i just feel it is so right to say it.

All is well

Death is nothing at all

i just slipped into the next room

i am i and you are you

whatever we were to each other , that we are still

call me by my familar name

speak to me in that easy way which you always used, put no difference in your tone

wear no forced air of solemnety or sorrow

laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together

play, smile, think of me, pray for me

let my name be ever the house hold word  that it always was

let it be spoken with out effect, without the trace of shadow on it

life means all that it ever meant

it is the same now as it ever was, there is unbroken continunity

why should i be out of mind because im out of sight?

i am waiting for you, for an interval , somewhere very near

Just round the corner

All is well

Although it has been difficult to accept my granma has gone i know that she would not have wanted to suffer anymore from the ill health she had . She is now with my granda and my uncle.

I also know that she believed life was for living and not letting it slip you past. So many times over the past couple of days ive felt as though my heart would break open with the grief. My granma was the person along with aunt Margaret who i woud phone if i had anything on my mind. Ive lost that know , as i just dont have that sort of relationship with my mother or any of my siblings. My MIL is great i can talk over some things with her but not all.

Yet from somewhere i seem to be gaining some strength, when im in bed im sure i could hear my gran saying snap out of it girl, get those books out and pass that course. So i have opened up my books again and im trying my hardest to get back in to it.

 i have an assignment due in on the 16th and i know even with none stop studying i wont be able to complete enough to get it done. As i fly back to the UK on the 6th, funeral on the 8th and fly back on the 10th. i just wont have enough time to get my assignment done. Normally i would go into panic mode , but ive emailed my tutor explained what has happened and he said i could have an extention or could ask for a subsitution.

I think i will ask for an extention so that i can have a good chance of passing my next assingment. If i do badly on it i know it will be the best i can do under the circumstances.

Im determined to make my granma proud, i just wish that she could have been around to see the only person in our family get a degree.

Ive set my self little goals to acheive this year instead of new year resolutions.

I shall do my best in my OU studies , i shall try my hardest to get on top of the weight problems. Most importantly i shall not be afraid to ask for help when i need it.

I shall try to have a positive attitude to life and not let things get me down.

To the friends who have given me support over this difficult time , i really do appreciate it

The best and the worst time at Christmas!!!!!!!!

For my boys this Christmas has been the best ever, we kept the suprise going about center parks till we got there. The smiles on their faces was pure magic, the laughter and excitement was infectious.

We arrived on christmas eve in the afternoon, after un loading the car and taking the dog out for a walk we explored     Bispringer Hiede while it was still light. We had tea and got back to what was to be our home. Once the 3 monsters had gone to bed V and i enjoyed a glass or 3 of wine while the natural events of santa unfolded.

The next day (or should i say a mere 3 hours later) we heard has he been yet? loudly whispered. At 4 in the morning we managed to persuade them that it was too early. WE finally gave in at 6am. Opening their pressies the kids had smiles that could light up the world, Ds lites for D and C and J got a dvd player(he thought it was a lap top). When they saw the snokles they just wanted to test them out straight away. Once the swimming paradise opened up at 10 am we were there. In my whole life i have never spend christmas day in a cossie in 30.c water, it was brill we finally left there at around 3pm feeling hungery. the boys choses to eat burgers and all the junk food i would normally frown at. But this was their special christmas and i was not going to spoil it for them.

The rest of the day was a blur of activities and at around 7ish we found a pancake house and had tea.

Unfortunatly for me chosing an italian pancake was not a good move for me.

Boxing day, I awoke with severe chest pain and unable to breathe, it was like the worst heart burn and indigestion i had ever experienced, so i spend the rest of the day in bed sleeping when i could and trying to sip water to ease my pain.

V took J to the cowboy and indian activity i had booked him in to and the other 2 played on their ds's for a while. Then in the afternoon the boys promised their dad they would behave if he took them swimming again. So off they went leaving me in the land off nod. Sometime in the afternoon, my mobile went , i knew it must be an emergency as our families knew not to call while we were on holiday.

On answering it my whole world shook when i heard my dad say, Mandy ive got some bad news, your granmas died suddenly in hospital.

AS i was ill it caused me to virtually collapse , i managed to get on to my bed and i must have sobbed my self to sleep. When i awoke it was dark and i reied to shake my self together . I ran a bath, i did not want my boys too see me in such a state. V walked in just before i got in the bathroom. He gently told the boys and they took it well, better than i was. WE had decided we would still continue with the holiday and i would try and join in with what ever we had planned. I did not want to stop the boys fun.

The next day the 27th i awoke with stomach cramps and the trotskies in a bad way. Thankfully by 11 that had cleared up a little(as long as i only had mineral water). Again we headed to the pool, i spend most of it sat on a deck chair watching the boys having fun. J now is the proud owner of a body board and he proudly showed off his 'surfing skills' when the wave machine came on it cheered me up no end seing the boys having fun. Once the memory of the camera was full i decided to brave going in the water. I inisted that i found the whirlpool and chill in there, while the others went down the various slides and chutes. J had to stay with me . (He split his head open a few days before we left) we told him even though he had a swimming hat on he could not go down the big slides as he would go under the water too much. Luckily the baby pool had various slides that amused him where i could supervise him.

Our final day on the 28th was spend trying to pack the car and buy those last minute goodies we had promised ourselves.  2 hours later we were home and more or less back too normal.

It was a day that i finally had a long discussion with my younger sister about what had happened to our granma. Mam was too fragile to speak .

Today i finally got to speak to my mam, both of us trying to make arrange ments for me to travel back to the UK , it was a difficult conversation, trying not to break down.

Its only when the kids are in bed and im truely on my own that the tears well up as i think of how much my granma has meant to me. She was a lady that i admired for many a year, she ran youth clubs in her 50's and 60's only giving up when the dwindling amount of children gave up coming.

She tirelessly raised thousands of pounds for charities.

 It's only been the past 10 years that i found my self getting frustrated at her for no longer taking care of her apperance and letting her standards of hygine slip.  I shall try not too dwell too much on those years, but on the years when she was at her best, when she battled with my parents to allow me to go in to nursing and to start 'going out' with V. She always saw the best in me and for than i owe her everything.

I shall miss my Gran so much , she was my confidant and my champion.

The last time we spoke to each other before moving to Germany, she knew we would not have much time together as she told me not to forget my dreams and if we got to Australia before she died she still wanted us to go.

Her motto in life was dont look back always look forward , so i shall try my best to live up to her motto.

Despite my granma's untimely death we had a fantastic christmas and hopefully as the raw ness of the grief im feeling eases i will remember the fun we had more than the saddness.

What a week , wondered how i fit it all in.

This week has been so hectic the fancy dress night was a hoot on Monday, the kids school plays were really good , i managed to get my assignment done and sent off. i even managed to fit a shopping trip in with my friend so we could get the desirable underwear for under the ball gowns.

Last night was the christmas ball and i really enjoyed it, there were a few people gave me hassle, one a German lady who im on a 'hello how are you type of relationship' She told me she thought i was the most lonliest woman she had ever met and always grumpy. Thankfully i just told her that just because i dont hang around in a big group of fellow army wives doesn't make me lonley  nor am i grumpy. I think the booze made me brave. i also told her that im just not an 'in your face type of person'

I also had the workshops octopus drag me up to dance, i felt ill after having the misfortune to dance with him. Thankfully the other gentlemen who asked me to dance were charming and didn't mind my two left feet when trying to waltz wi