Sex Toys and Other Cake Decorations

Posted at 8:37 AM, Wednesday, November 2, 2005

They're funny things, sex shops...you never quite know what to expect, short of the blindingly obvious, of course.

I mean, will it be all dark and seedy inside with various perverted types lurking around the shelves, playing pocket pool whilst browsing the jazz mag section?  Or will it have a clean, bright and airy feel to it, much like Hustler Cafe in Hollywood which actually feels as though you could be browsing around some expensive designer store on Rodeo Drive, save for the fact that those stores don't usually carry a vast selection of large rubber cocks next to the cashmere sweaters.

So it was with slight trepidation that I decided to experience my first visit to a Texas sex shop.  The shop was way off the beaten path, but the GPS system guided me as though it had been there many-a-time before.  The reason for this rather bizarre choice of location, so I'm told, is to escape the city's decency laws, and therefore to enable the shop to offer more 'specialised' items.  Now, this fact alone was a leading cause for my trepidation, for to build a sex shop deep in the heart of Bumfuck Nowhere makes one wonder exactly what kind of depraved and perverse items were waiting inside.

The sign to the outside world simply read "Lingerie, Party Gifts and Novelty Toys", which seemed a little odd for a sex shop, but who am I to question this?.  Maybe it was to comply with some other decency laws?  There certainly seemed to be more examples around that appeared to support this theory.  For instance, as I was browsing around, two Mexican women wandered in accompanied by a small child.  "How old is he?" asked the assitant, pointing down at the toddler.  "Four." came the reply.  "Then he'll have to leave, you can't bring him in here."  Now, does this mean that the store is obliged to ask the age of anyone that appears to be under the age of 21, even if it's blatantly obvious?  Or maybe children under a certain age are permitted, allowing new mothers to shop for various sexual devices without having to leave the little 'un locked in the car?  Whatever the reason, I don't know, and I really didn't feel like asking.

Nor did I feel like enquiring as to why all the things that were for sale were labeled with exactly the same warning: "This product is intended for use as a novelty gift or cake decoration only."  Now admittedly, I haven't been to any weddings in Texas, but I'll hazard a guess that the cake generally doesn't come adorned with vibrating butt plugs or a 15-inch Mr. Fister™.  And I suppose I would be a tad more than surprised if I turned up at the next birthday party, only to find the candles on the birthday cake replaced with an assortment of humming vibrators.

But this is Texas after all, and one thing I have learned here is that you can never really be too sure of things.  And so it was on that thought that I decided it would be prudent of me to err on the side of caution, and leave with a whole stash of hardcore porn mags...you know, so that I can giftwrap the presents should I be invited to a party.