Cockroaches and Bandannas

Posted at 2:09 PM, Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I had a strange dream last night.  It's quite rare for me to remember dreams, as I generally forget everything the moment the alarm clock screams at me, but this one managed to stick.  However, before I go on, it'll be necessary to have to backtrack to the events of a few nights ago...

One night last week, I switched on the light in the bathroom, only to startle a cockroach into life that had been relaxing in the bathtub.  Disappointingly, it was not one of the the supersized variety that I've been led to believe scuttle about in some parts of Texas, but it was still fairly impressive.  Or maybe it was just a junior?  Or perhaps smoking had stunted it's growth?  This was something that would have to be mulled over another time, as the more pressing issue at hand was how to get this now sprinting sonofabitch out of MY bath.  Well, after a couple of moments of pondering, I came to the conclusion that the only humane option available was to pour bleach all over it.

It was already running about at speed, but once bathed in Clorox, it decided to step it up a couple of gears, and literally burn laps around the bath.  So, how many laps do you think it went before it eventually succumbed to the bleach?  Well to be honest, I'll never know, because I got bored after watching it for a few minutes, relentlessly completing lap after lap of the bathtub with an impressive pace.  I even tried adding more bleach to speed things up a little, but to no avail...it simply never gave up, not even for a second.

That meant it was time for assault number two...a well aimed whack with a running shoe.  That DID stop it dead in it's tracks, except it wasn't exactly dead.  Now, it was simply laying on it's back, with it's legs still furiously pounding away at the air.  If I could've picked it up and placed it the right way around, it would've simply gone back to setting new lap records around the bathtub again.  A second whack was administered.  Nope, still moving.  A third whack and still no luck, but the head had now been physically detached, and the body was actually attempting to continue making additional laps of the bathtub....the damn thing was proving to be near indestructible.  WHACK WHACK WHACK...ah, finally!  Now I was left me with the pleasant task of disposing of the body and cleaning up any evidence of my heinious crime against the cockroach species of the insect world.

So, back to my dream.

I dreamt that the cockroach I had killed was actually part of a gang, and this gang was seeking revenge for their slain and decapitated brother.  And so out of the plughole they emerged, one by one, all wearing identical bandannas that proudly showed off their allegiance.  Finally, the bottom of the bathtub was filled with angry dudes, all wanting justice...but not before they started to do a gang dance.  Now, I've no idea whether gangs in real life have a 'dance', you know, like a gang handshake that includes the feet too, but this particular cockroach gang did, and they all moved together whilst fixating their stares at me.

And where was I?  Well I was perched on the bathroom countertop, giving me a definite height advantage over them, and I had a stash of water bombs beside me, all filled with bleach...and so I opened fire.

The bleach bombs would burst over several cockroaches, they would fall, but then get back up and carry on doing that crazy dance.  In total defiance, they continued dancing as one, all the time keeping their gaze angrily on me.  My bleach bomb supplies were dwindling...how long would this standoff last?  And what were they planning on doing after they'd finished dancing?  Unfortunately, I'll never know, as I woke up at around that point, but I like to think that the bleach would have had some sort of effect eventually, and one by one, they would have all started sprinting around the bathtub.  I'd hate to think of how many whacks with the running shoe that lot would have taken, though.

And as a precaution, I quickly checked the pillows just in case, during the night, a severed cockroach head had been placed next to me to serve as a warning...