D has spent most of the afternoon with the RMP's at their station in Sennelarger near to his school. V was with him. He gave what amounted to as an 8 page statement. They are taking it very serious what happened to him and we have told D we will support him to get the man charged. D has been having night mares ever since it happened, although he had not told us that, we suspected it. He spoke with an military police man who has had special training to deal with children and after 2 hours he felt D had had enough for one day, as he was becoming quite emotional. so tommorow he will be getting his bruising photographed as logged correctly at the med center.

Im trying hard not to wrap the boys in cotton wool and allow them to play with their freinds as normal. But D is refusing to go any where other than his best friends garden which is very close to our house.

Im trying to keep the normal routine going as much as possible, partly as it makes me feel better.

I should have been studying today but after 2 nights of very little sleep i had very little energy to study. I shall attempt to get an early night tonight, now the boys are in bed. I think an alcholic drink might do the trick.

Ive already told V that this weekend i want to be away from the area so we can feel relaxed and the boys can play and have fun.

We arn't sure how long things will take before things go to court, as the man is refusing to attempt what he did but with witnesses we hope it wont take long as we want to put it all behind us.

V and I have tried not to think what could of happened to our son, as to do that would drive is both up the wall and possibily into insanity.

Instead we are just grateful that he is still with us , bruised and shaken but he is alive and well, which is the main thing.

The support from friends has been amazing , no one can imagine what it is like to see your child suffer and be frightened , but im sure with some help he will be able to get over this.

Im off now to have a stiff drink and curl up and think off better things that we hope to do in the future.

Yesterday we got a message through our door intercom telling us that an old German man had taken our 10 year old son, from our middle son and the friend they had being playing with.

V flew out of the house and i followed (in the process slamming the door with the keys in it). We ran along the street and round the corner to where we knew the kids had been playing football. My heart was in my mouth not really knowing what had happened. When we got to the area, a hugh sigh of relief swept over us as we saw our son. He looked absolutly terrorfied , he must of been scared as he had soiled himself when it happened. 

It turns out a man had tried to snatch him and he had clung onto an electric box for dear life, the man had slapped him twice and was incredabily aggressive towards him. Some passerby and a woman who lived right next to the area it happened intervened and saved him from god knows what. The man claims that D had been throwing stones at his garden but he denies it as does his younger brother , the witnesses to the event never saw any stones being thrown either. Once we identified what had happened we called the royal Military police and they inturn called the German Civil police. D had screemed so loudly that there were plenty of witness who heard and saw most of what had happened.

The main witness and first on the scene actually heard the slaps.

I headed back home to find my self locked out, but luckily i hadn't locked the patio door and managed to get it. While V went looking for the man who had assaulted him, so he could give the police an address.

The boys had a late night while they were interviewed by both the GCP and the RMP. C the middle boy complained of a bad tummy at bed time and slept very poorly, meanwhile D tossed and turned most of the night . It really has scared them.

Today the boys the boys have not ventured further than to their friends house close to home.

It scares me to think of what could have happened if people had not been there. We dont know what the mans intentions were , but we have told the police we wish to make a complaint about him attempting to abduct and asaulting our son. Hopefully we will be informed of what happens to the man.

Even if our son had thrown stones he would  not  have deserved the treatment he got from the old man.

The witness who saw it reckons that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 Tonight after D came out of the shower i noticed bruising under his arm and across his shoulder, judging by where the marks are it could be seen where the man had held D. We have taken photos to add to the statement that we are handing to the families officer.

Tonight my middle son has said he doesn't want to go to school as he will have to pass the area where D was traumatised, ive reassured him that we will go to school together and i will inform the school about what had happened.

Hopefully tonight the boys will sleep better.

My assignment is i feel nearly finished now. My course forum were no help as no one came forward when i asked for help. But  for once my tutor actually replied to my email asking for help and with extra pointers i feel as though i have done well. It wont be a master piece getting loads of marks but, just to get a pass will do me.

My other tutor on my other course has also reponded to my email wanting further clarification on how she wants the essays done. It bugs me each tutor has their own way of how they like their students to write. Never mind im sure i will adapt to her style soon.

Its gorgeous outside today and as the cleaner has been in the house looks brill. How i wish i could afford for her to come in everyday and sort my life out. Ive managed to get the bedding washed and on the line so i hope this good weather continues and i can get all the laundry done.

Ive got an aplication form on its way from the nursing home where my sister works to supplement her nurse training. the matron said there would be no gaurantee of work.

 Im off down to the local bakery to treat myself to a ham salad sarnie and a bottle of pop. I feel i deserve a treat

I got the results back from my last assignment and thankfully i have passed.

However my current assignment is proving to be a night mare and i cant find any one i can bounce ideas off to help me get it done. Its all about human rights and social care practice. But my brain is melting with so much information and just not knowing where to start and what to include.

Ive emailed my tutor for some advice and pointers but i doubt he will respond as so far on this course ive recieved no help and no information that others got at tutorials. So i am disadvantaged to say the least.

Im off for a cuppa and hopefully it will all appear and i will get it done by Friday.

Its so unfair it gorgeous outside and im stuck up in our attic bedroom and i cant open the window as its a fire escape window and opens so fully that i get a gale blowing through the room.

Grrrh i need inspiration !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

For the first time in ages, the sun shone for us over a weekend.

On Fri, v had the day off work and we got all the shopping we needed to do for the week. this meant that we had a relaxing weekend to go some where. On Saturday we were invited to a barbie by people we know. We had a good time, J behaved himself which meant i was less stressed (the soya diet is certainly helping him). I got rather tiddly on the 'house punch' not sure what was in it but it tasted ok.

Sunday we went up to Hameln were we lived the last time we lived in Germany, we saw the pied piper play, although in German i knew enough from memory to translate roughly for the kids. Well impressed i was. the town has changed a lot in some places but thankfully not enough for us to get lost. Loads of photos were took, we drove round our old married quarter, passed where we used to work. then explored the hills over looking the town, we went up Ohr park and the view was fantastic, we had a picnic looking down on the valley and river below. Then we drove to the other hight point the Kluttum momument, we climed the tower and what a view the whole of Hameln infront of us. We pointed out to the boys where we had walked and the land marks. In all a fantastic day .

We also saw no less than 5 westies and we all looked whistfully and remembered Angus.

The kids fell asleep almost as soon as their heads hit the pillows last night. The fresh air certainly knoacked us all out.

Ive had a few replies regarding my registration both in the UK, i need to do 450 hours off work before Oct if i want to re register. Nbv have sent me a link to down load the application form, so ive got nothing to lose by filling it in and getting all the verification done. Hopefully it will get accepted and once in oz can get a return to practice course done.

Ive asked my sister to see if it would be possible for me to work 10 nights shifts after my exam in June for a few months  to get my hours up. The money would come in handy. V is not keen on the idea though, as every month i would be leaving him with the kids for 10 days while i studied and worked back in the UK. It is a means to an end for me. It enables me to re register again with out any worries.

My very last option would be to do an Enrolled Nurse training course in Wodonga which would last a year and the earliest i could do it would be Jan 2010, as we would not be there in time for me to be on next years course. I dont particullay have to go down this route as i already have the qualification and i want to progress on and not start again.

Any how we shall see.

Ive started my final assignment for K202 and hope to have it finished before Friday. Then i will have to crack on and get all the work done for my K309 course. Then as soon as ive done that assignment i can get my revision done for my K202 exam.

Ive never known me to be so organised i just hope i pull it off.

The phone call i have been dreading arrived this morning. My beloved Westie Angus has died. He had a heart attack. I will phone my Mil up tonight to get more details, as it was my SIL that informed us.

Angus was a gorgeous teddy bear of a dog he was my baby before i had the boys. He was my companion for so long. It broke my heart when he was not allowed to travel with us to Germany due to the epilepsy he developed in 2006. My MIL kindly took him and tinker the cat on and has loved him and cared for him so well.

Tears are welling up as i write. Im just so glad we saw him at easter and could once again give him love.

When we get to oz i will get another Westie as i love the breed so much.

RIP Angus

Tma 6 is now gone and im awaiting the results, ive nearly finished work book 7 and will get that assignment done. Then will have to switch on to my K309 course as i have my 2nd assignment to get done before the end of May. Once that is done it will be revision for my exam in June for K202. I just hope i can get all that done.

I have found it really hard having to struggle with 2 courses. i must have been mad to think i could pull it off and get good grades. Never mind one the exam is over i can give my full attention to my K309 course.

I had a panic last night as i realised that in October my Enrolled Nurse registration is up for renewal. Unfortunatly as i have not worked for 6 years (can it really be that long) So i emailed the NMC to find out what the score is. I know  i need to do an 'return to practice' course. But how can i do that while living in an army garrison in Germany. So trying to be organised i came up with a possible soloution, i could  while still registered send off to register for one of the oz states either Victoria or New South Wales. That way in a year when i get over i would be eligable to a return to practice in oz (i hope) any how ive asked a few questions on various  websites for nurses in oz so hope to get some answers on that on.

Or i could leave V with the kids for a few months in Germany while i go back to the UK and do a 10 week course in Newcastle. That would mean having to live with my parents for that time. Not something i really want to do.

last option would be to re do my EN training in oz once we are settled. Why cant live be more simple.

Any way best crack on ive got a lot to get done if my plan ive set is too work

Today my middle son C is representing his school in both a fun run and cross country.

As army schools tend to be wide spread, he is travelling to Herford around 2 hours away from us in Paderborn.

At the weekend we bought him a track suit and t shirt to wear, he has packed all his spare clothes and spare shoes ready for the day. He was so eager to get to school this morning he forgot his packed lunch that he needed to take. Just as well i spotted it when it was time for J to go to school.

I managed to get it to him before he got on the coach. I really did want to go to support him but parents were not allowed. I told him i was proud of him no matter where he comes or what time he does it in. As this is the first competion he has been in. I know he will do his best and for me that is all that matters. I look forward to him coming from school tonight and telling me all about it.

Ive finally started my assignment so id best crack on with it

It can give you a smile so big that the whole world can see.

Last year when i first joined face book after many BE members sent me requests to join them. I searched for a good friend of V who served in the army years ago. We knew he had married a Canadian and moved over there and kept in touch for a while but as life got in the way contact dropped as we moved around and possibibly he moved. I tried looking for him on BE but to no avail.

So imagine the shock and suprise when the leat expected did indeed happen.

WEll today i finally got a response to a message i sent to 4 people with the same name. I could have done cartwheels when i got a message saying yes you found me with his contact details, in an email via facebook.  I sent V a text and i can only imagine the smile on his face.

The thing with army life is quite often your close friends can become your family especially when you are serving abroad. So getting contact  again is like finding a long lost relative. a much loved one at that.

The sheer joy i feel on behalf of my hubby is immense as they became like brothers , like his other mate Fish who we finally hooked up with in Paderborn. Its almost like the brothers are back together again, only 2 more to find and im just hoping i finally find them too. With the internet it might just be possible.

No doubt V will hog the Pc tonight in sharing with Geordie the past 10 years of our life and hearing what he has been up to in 10 years. The best of it is if he were to turn up at our door tommorow then the past 10 years would just vanish and be just like the good ole days.

The army way of life can be harsh but the friends you make are usually for life even if you rarely see each other. Sharing and risking life in a dangerous and hostile environment is something you never forget and will always share with those trusted special people.

Such a shame i have never managed to find any of my old nursing student friends.

WE have had ackknowledgement today that the oz army have recieved our application form and are processing it now. So this is it we are in the system.

WEll back to my assignment now that ive calmed down and can concentrate again.

Yesterday i realised that i had been studying the wrong book for my next assignment. How could i have possibly done that. It wasn't till i had finished one of the units(unit 21) that i thought i would look at the questions on offer for my next K202 assignment. i thought thats strange the questions dont relate to what id been studying, puzzled i looked at the guidence and when it said units 18, 19 and blah blah will be useful. Then it dawned on me. A quick email to my tutor and ive got an extention. My assignment is supposed to be in on Friday but ive now got till the end of the month to get it done. Not long  but im sure i can do it as yesterday i worked like a trojan and nearly finished unit 18, only 2 more to go then i will get my 6th assignment done.

Then my 7 th assignment is due on the 15th of May and ive an assignment due on the 25th of May for K309 and my K202 exam is on the 18th of June. So guess im going to be very busy for a while.

We are still having problems with our tenant, he has paid no rent for months, the utility bill is mounting up. He are going to get the agent to evict him  and hopefully we will get our money off him. So fed up with the situation.

J is improving on the soya milk and our friends who stayed with us were a real help with him. Mel who has taught older children with ADHD and Austism thinks he may have both conditions but mildly. she has seen him at both his worst and his best, so ive been guided by her tips and suggstions.

After seeing the CAMHS team we are still no further forward, the mental health nurse claimed she does,t like labelling children but with out a diagnosis written down he wont get the support he needs. Im even looking into star flower treatment for him. Its hard work trying to exclude dairy from him. Especially here in Germany as i can only get a limited amount of things for him from the  German shops. The Naffi have agreed to look into getting more stuff for him, but i wont hold my breath.

When we went back to the UK for the easter, it was really easy to get most of his favorite foods as dairy free alternatives. But now he is resticted and not quite as happy having to miss out.

WEll got to get back to them books. I just hope all this hard work pays off and i get a good result, god knows i need it.

What a month ive had. The first 2 weeks were spent in the UK and too be honest i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would. It was very stressful as my parents. Despite my parents having a 5 bed house, it was so cluttered with crap that it was clostropobic. WE spent 3 days in Durham trying to sort out the estate agent our tenant has not been paying the rent ontop of the utillities bill he had not payed. WE then went up to Scotland and the weather was so cold and miserable we were all cooped up with my inlaws. Normally i get on great with them but there was a tension in the house as the slightest thing the boys did they were chastised for. Im normally strict with them but it was ridiculous the things they were getting wrong for.

We then returned back to my parents and stayed 2 further nights. We could not wait to leave the UK i never got the studying done i needed to do as the promised time to use the computers at both my parents and inlaws was extremly limited. So i had to ask for an extention on my K309 course (first assignment) not a good start.

i got my results back from my 6th assignment on K202 and had got a low mark despite all the effort i had put into it. So was really down about that.

Our friends from the UK had travelled back with us (in their car) for 10 days. They stayed in our room where i have my'study area' and that proved more difficult than i thought it would. they are lovley people a mother and daughter and we have had a great time with them. But i had expected them to visiting lots of places around Paderborn so that i could study while they were out. The daughter however didn't get up most days till after 11am. So i managed to get my assignement done in one session last week. They went out for the day only as i had the cleaner coming in. It was bliss to have space and time on my own to study. However it was not long enough as my result reflected. i failed my assignment. Im extremly dissapointed and have a dragging feeling in my stomach. Perhaps ive taken on too much trying to get my degree. Maybe academia is not for me.

Well ive got to crack on with my k202 course now as ive got an assignment due in 10 days time ARGH!!

Oh yeah our oz application to the army got send back. The numpties claimed we had not had the documents signed etc. But if they had looked on the back of the docs they would have seen the stamps and sigs. After much emails to them they agreed they had cocked up and for us to send them back again with a covering note. So lets hope we have no more problems.

Thank you to all who gave suggestions over ways to help J.

Yesterday we started by switching his normal milk on his cereal to Alpro soya milk. What a difference, he was much calmer and almost a different little boy. For the first time in ages we had a good laugh together, as he was back to his charming self again. It was short lived though V gave him some cheesy puffs to eat while they were out at the shops. Wont be doing that again.

Im trying my hardest to get an apt with the paeds people so we can have tests on food intolerence.

Im almost finished my assignment which is due in on Friday, (having a mental block so took a break)The Insurance company look as though they will pay for the damage to the cars. So we are going back to the UK as planned. Quite realived about that. I need a break from Paderborn.

To cheer my self up im finally getting my hair done, the works, cut, colour and new style.

My weight is still coming down , slowly but im happy. Im still getting tired though so not too sure how effective the level of thyroxine im on.

All the family have now been told that we have applied to the oz army. Not too sure how they will react if we get the go ahead. As although they have been supportive so far , i still think they dont think we will get in or go to the other side of the world.

It seems that every other asdvert on TV is about oz right now. I doubt we will have saved enough money up for the trip in Octber which i really wanted to do. But we will just have to wait and see.

WEll back to the assignment as my brain is starting to kick in again

Yesterday our application to the oz army has finally gone. We had to wait over a year before we could apply, V has spend the last few months preparing the application and yesterday the post office finally took it off our hands. It should take 2 weeks to reach them. Now its just a case of playing the waiting game.

We got the quote for one of the cars the J had damaged it has come in at E 900. Nearly died we cant afford it so we are seeing if our insurance will pay it. If not then its possible we will have to cancel the trip back to the UK and sell the DS lite we had bought for J. It really has put a dampner on things, as we had planned on gettting some new chest of drawers for the boys as their furniture is literally falling apart. that will have to wait now as well as replacing some other furniture that has seen better days.

We have our first visitors arriving on the 6th April, we had hoped to have the house looking good with no tatty furniture but they will just have to close their eyes to our less than perfect home. 

Well back to the books ive got an assignement that has to be in next week as thanks to help from BE ive managed to get some good ideas.

Thank you to the Pm's and emails i recieved , the support i have been shown over my son has been fantastic.

We finally have an appointment to see a specialist in April, i wish we could have it sooner but just to have some help is a start.

The tension has slowly eased this week and although J is confined to the house he has accepted it quite well. Its my middle sons birthday tommorow and providing J is not in a mood tommorow then hopefully we will go out for a family meal.

It is still difficult taking J out in public for meals as everything has to be just so other wise he creates on so much it all becomes too much for us.

As usual my parents have not offered any support apart from the lad needs a good hiding for damaging the cars. It could be awkward staying with them at Easter but it will only be a short time so hopefully we wont get too stressed, as this will be the first time we have stayed with them as a family .

We have got the application form ready to send to the recruiting team for the oz army, V's boss has signed and stamped the docs as being certified copies, so fingers crossed we find out soon if we have got to the interview stage.

Got to crack on with my studies

Thanks to Sam and Gill for your support. It means a lot to me.

Today has been difficult, J didn't want to go to school, he never mentioned the fact it was his birthday. He knows both V and i are upset over his behaviour yesterday. I informed his class teacher and assistant of what has happened.

When i tried to talk to him today about what he had done and why, he just replied that was yesterday.

We are waiting for the quotes to come back to see how much the repair of 2 cars is going to cost us. If it is too much then we will have to cancel our trip back to the Uk and get a refund of our tickets.

Im emotionally drained and just dont know where to turn. We have tried to get in touch with the Paeds department and with CAMHS but so far no joy. Being in Germany with the army can make it difficult when trying to get help as often the right people arn't based near you and it can mean a good hour or two's driving for a 10 min appointment.

Ive been trying to study today as i have 2 assignments to get done. But my head is all over the place. V is no better he is struggling at work today. 

I dread picking J up from school as i know the other parents will give me some funny looks, they already blame J for any problems on our estate. Which is why for such a long time we kept him in. So we are back to keeping him in so that we can know for certain he wont be causing any more damage.

I cant believe how over the past 4 years ive had such a struggle with him. As a baby apart from being born big (10lb10 oz) he was normal. Once he got to 2 year old he became so hyped up and my struggles began. Asked to leave play groups and toddler groups due to his behaviour. We asked for help then but all i got told was he will grow out of it. Once he gets to nursery he will be fine, once dad is home for good he will calm down and when he starts school you will notice his behaviour improve. Well none of that has made any difference.

Ive been so close to breaking down today when i spoke with his teachers .

The stress we are under is bad, and if im not carefull i will end up with a nervous break down. The last time i was like this was when i had problems with D not doing well at school and refusing to do homework. Then i got help from a volunteer who managed to get D to do his homework . I was on my own then as V was in Ireland and unable to help much. Nor did he understand how hard it was for me.

V now realises fully the preassure i was under then, as he is feeling it now. At least we can support each other and with a bit of luck get through this.

I wish kids came with a manual and could tell us what we need to do. 

Im trying to be positive and think it is only a glinch but i dont want my 6 year old to end up with an ASBO and us being sent back to the UK while V remains in post. That will break the family up for good.

Hopefully the help we need will be avaliable soon and things will turn themselves round.

Both V and I are at our wits end with J the youngest. After he damaged a car last year we had him on severe restictions as to playing out. I though since he had an invite to play at his freinds house accross the street i would let him go. The little toe rag didn't go to his freinds instead an irate mother brought him home as he had dammaged 2 cars throwing stones and scratching them  . We off course are going to pay for the damage. Its the final straw for V though. AS if J gets into any more trouble then we run the risk of being seperated as the army wont tolerate what they consider to be out of control children. V already has one family on a final warning from the army in his unit, in their case it is a teenager causing problems. From what we have been told that as J is so young it will be us as a family that will get sent .

Its his 6th birthday tommorow but we wont be celebrating it. It sounds cruel and i feel awful about that but we just cant seem to get through to him. We know from his visit to see the paeds that he possibibly is on the spectrum for ADHD. But so far we have not recieved the help we were promised . We are trying so hard to be good parents but we must be failing him if he is getting worse.

Life did seem to be getting better at one point but now it feels as though it is all going wrong again. We just dont know what to do any more. We have tried all the punishement and behaviour charts there are. So as a last resort we are having him put on virtual house arrest till we leave paderborn which will be another year. God help me as it wont be easy. As if i dont lock the doors then he sneaks out and goes wandering off and i never know where he is.

well know ive getting it off my chest im off for a cuppa then once the kids are all asleep it will be a stiff drink

Today after writing out my mothers day cards for our mams, it hit me that this year there wont be a card for my gran. Ive got a lump the size of coal in my throat as i stop my self from breaking into tears.

Because i dont have a great relationship with my mam, my gran has always taken her place in my affections. I am trying so hard to encourage the way my mam is with me. WE can talk about the weather , what the kids are doing but nothing personal. When i was a teenager, my mam called me all the names under the sun as in her words i was not the daughter she wanted, me to be. Unfortunatly that remark has stayed with me and although i go through the motions and get her a card out of a sense of duty. It was always my gran that i spent ages finding just the right card.

I miss her so much and just wish i could give her a big hug and tell her how much she means to me.

I try so hard to be a loving mam to the boys , even when they play me up and are right horror bags. I never want my boys to feel like the way my mam made me feel.

I know the boys are hiding something from me, as ive been told not to go into their school bags this week. What ever they are doing i know i will be happy with.

I know im not the only one feeling a little raw , this time of year, so for those who are facing a mothers day with out a mother figure or mother, then have a hug and love from me  

Back to the books now the weepiness is easing again.

AS the kids are on 1/2 term , ive had a few days of not studying. How strange that is. Today we had a drive out to Mohnasee which is where the Brits in ww2 practiced for the bouncing bomb. Unfortunatly we couldn't find the damm its self. although over a decade ago we found it easily when we last lived in Germany.

Any how we packed the 3 boys, the dog and a winter picnic (flask of soup, sarnies , crisps and a large flask of coffee)

It was rather cold once we left the car and as as its was out of the tourist season the loos were locked. just as well the kids are male lol.

After skimming stones against the water and filling our stomachs up it was time to get home again.

Im awaiting the results from my latest assignment and ive got another one before easter leave and one to be in before we get back from leave.

So far im doing ok. My cleaner started last Thursday and what a difference it has made, i was ablre to concentrate completely on course work and my assignment. She is back in tommorow and thankfully the place is still reasonably tidy.

WE are looking forward to visiting family at Easter as we have decided that will be the last time we go back to the UK this year. WE simply can not afford the ferry fare. Nearly 1000E for the 5 of us .

WE got a quote back to fly from Frankfurt to Melbourne in Oct and we will have to save a fair bit to cover the costs. But with the forces discounts we may just manage it.

I know the Albury lot are longing for us to be there, sending adverts for houses we could afford to live in.

Hopefully by the summer we will know if we are successful in joining the oz army. Although we know now we could have a plan B as V has seen plenty of civvy jobs he could do in oz.

Im off to my bed now as im knackered , this cold weather just doesn't suit me at all.

Well I should never have watched corrie on Friday night. I was in floods of tears as Vera died in her sleep.

V laughed at me telling me it was only a soap, but it seemed so real and the past few weeks of emotinal turmoil ive been through im sure caused the flood gates to open.

Im sure im not the only person to have been in floods that night.

Some thing to look forward to, we are looking ahead to when my exams are over and we can come for our holiday to oz. We just cant decide where to go, Perth to see a long lost rellie of dads and visit the surrounding area, Queensland to the oz zoo, great barrier reef, or Melbourne where we know and love. Its so hard to decide, Ive told V im sure the kids wont mind where we go as long as we get there.

Any how my assignment needs completing so best get it done 

Ive been back home a week now. The funeral went well i suppose. I managed to say the poem although my voice did wobble and croak a little.

i held it altogether till we got to the grave side. Then all my stiff up lip just came crashing down, luckily one of my older cousins managed to comfort me , as i collapsed into sobs that i had curtailed for so long.

It was strange going back to Durham and staying at my parents home, ive never had a fantastic relationship with them and at times the atmosphere was tense. My mam has taken the death very hard, enough though she never showed any emotion towards my gran when she was alive. I helped her as much as i could. The paper work has been horrendous as my gran never left a will. She had already told us what she wanted us to have, just never wrote it down.

I managed to get a little bit of studying done and im trying my hardest to stay focused to get this assignment done, hopefully by next week i will get it sent of to my tutor.

My new course materials arrived while i was away so i really do need to get my act together. So that im ready to start that course on time and not be behind on my current course.

Ive been fighting fatigue all week, i had my bloods done on Tues and i see the Dr next Tue to make sure everything is ok . D has had his final appointment at the hospital and they are happy is arm is healing well, he just needs to keep up the hand exercises as he has slight nerve damage that is affecting his little finger.

J has an appointment on Thurs to see the paeds to see if we can get to the bottom of his behaviour and what solutions are avaliable to us.

Im so looking forward to our holiday in oz in October im not bothered if we take the kids out of school for a few weeks as i feel it is so important for them to experience oz before we finally move next year. That sounds weired saying next year. As 2006 was when we first decided we wanted to got to oz.

People say time is a great healer and i know in time the emptieness i feel will ease. Last week as i burried my gran was also the 8th anniversary of Davids funeral, so its no wonder my emotions have been all over the place.

Last Saturday with our friends we all went to see Abba mania in Bielefeld and it was brillent, just what i needed to inject some fun back into my life. Im trying to be positive and to live my life in a good way.

My grans sister told me just recently that my Gran was so proud of the way i have just got on with things and bounced back after all the set backs i had in my teens. Just knowing that is making me more determined than ever to get this degree and start a fresh life in oz. A big part of me will always belong to Durham but i know i have the strength to just go out there and make a new life with my family.

Well back to the books, other wise this assignment will never get done.

Ps thanks to all those who have given me support when i most needed it