One step forward and 3 back

I know now that i was being foolish thinking i could manage without the anti d's . Im still having trouble with keeping awake. Im feeling reasonably clear headed today but yesterday i was all foggy and not very good.

Im seeing the dr on Monday as i do need help but i think the strength of the tablets were too much.

Im managing to take the kids to school and thankfully my next door neighbour has walked with me. She has been a real support and has gone through what im going through now. i hate going down on my own, if i have to a walk very fast just to get there and back as quickly as possible. However when ever i see that woman i feel like my heart will explode. Thankfully ive only seen her twice this week.

Some how ive managed to complete my assignment i think, god knows if what ive written will pass but ive done my best. It was hard going as i only seem to get an hour or 2 where i feel ok at the moment. then i just start staring into space, not really thinking of any thing. i still have to do the references and get some to make sure what ive read is answering the question. If i fail i fail nothing i can do about that.

This nervous break down has scared me so much though, as my dad has mental health problems and had been in psychiatric hospital on and off for most of my adult life. i dont want to be like him.

My mum knows what has happened and she was so shocked as im the strong one, the one who every one in the family turns to for support and has answers when their life is crap. Yet now im the one needing their support. My mam should understand what im going through but somehow has distanced herself from the situation.

V has been a real rock even though i know he has been stressed to hell over this crap.

He has set up a chart system for the boys over behaviour they have to comply with as well as jobs around the house to help me. So far it seems to be working. Im still finding J difficult to work with at times.

Im getting my hair done tommorow V thought it would be a nice treat to get pampered. Must admit i do look a mess at the moment, ive just had no intrest i how i look this week.

On Sunday we have V's mums cousin coming to stay for a while, it was all arranged months back and he has had his tickets booked for his flight for ages. So i will just have to hope it all pans out ok.

part of me thinks i just need to just get on with things and it will all be ok in my more clearer moments, but then when i feel really low i just want to sleep and disapear.

Ive had so much support from my cyber freinds it really has amazed me. One of them spoke with me this morning on msn just to see how i was. it really brightened my day up.

Hopefully i can look back on all of this and learn from it from one day.

12:29 - Fri 5 September 2008 - comments {2}

Back to school and attempting to get my my life back on track

Since Friday, my life was turned into a sea of fog. the medication i was on caused me to feel so sleepy infact i cant remember anything about the weekend. From what V tells me and a few friends who saw me i was either spaced out and rambling on about nothing or i was sleeping. I know id been told they would take 2 weeks to take effect but a weekend of no memories was bad enough, never mind 2 weeks.

Certainly not something i want to go through again. so i stopped taking the tablets i just could not live that way. Yesterday i was all jittery and still sleepy. however today i feel sort of ok. At least im still awake. I managed to get the kids to school , i even passed the woman who has made me ill, apart from a small amount of hyperventilating i did ok. V was so worried about me and how i would cope on my own. He is on a Health and Safety course as part of his army resettlement  so not able to drop everything , however he is on school hours. 

My tutor has been reasonably understanding but if i want her help i need to crack on with my last assignment. so i shall do my best to write something down and hope it passes.

09:34 - Tue 2 September 2008 - comments {1}

Been to see the Dr

I want to thank every one for the support and concern people have showed me. I really do appreciate it

My Dr has prescribed me some anti d's and sleeping tablets and wants to see me in 2 weeks to see if im feeling any better. Which i certainly hope i do.

My kids have been a right nightmare today fighting with each other and adding to the stress that ive already got.

The Dr did say if i still feel as bad as i do now in a few weeks time that he may consider admitting me to hospital. Which is the last thing i want .

 I really need a holiday away from it all and im sure i would feel much better. so providing i can cope with everything till after my exam has finished in October then i going to give my self a break.

11:56 - Thu 28 August 2008 - comments {6}

palpatation and panic attacks

ive just got back from the local naafi, and i nearly fainted. i had to go and get bread and milk as i had ran out and V was in a meeting . Walking down i was sweating loads and by the time i paid for the shopping everything was getting fuzzy and and i was shaking like a leaf. Ive never experienced anything like it. The woman at the till told me i looked awful but to be honest it was as if she were talking to some one else.

i hate feeling like this my breathing was like i was having the worst asthma attack ive ever had. My head is still throbbing and i feel sick.

ive made an appointment to see the dr as i cant go on feeling like this, im not sleeping, very tearfu, so very un like me . im not sure if im comming down with a bug or what. i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep but i cant.

Im trying to keep it all together for the boys, they can do with out a mother whos falling apart . im just hoping the dr can help me feel better

10:58 - Wed 27 August 2008 - comments {5}

Feeling very let down by the system

The Rmps came today for a informal chat and they came fully expecting us to rollover and take the blame for the actions that J had been acused of. However what they got was us informing them of all the problems and how J had been victimised. They are coming back at a later date after they have gathered more evidence to get statements of V and myself over what has been happening. All the information will be given to V's Commanding Officer and he will make a decison based on what he feels is right. so if he is in a bad mood V could get a black mark against his name and we could be in effect thrown out of the country which will affect our chances of getting to oz. However he may decide that there is not enough evidence to apportion blame on us and a warning is put on his record. so either way this whole nightmare is very upsetting.

We had to turn down the house they offered as it was way too small, we would have to sell most of our furniture to live in it. So how can we do that. So for now we are stuck where we are.

I spent most of last night tossing and turning. The Welfare SGT now knows just how upset this whole ordeal is as despite my best efforts i broke down when i talked of the accustions against my self for verbal abuse. The police woman apologised and i think understood just how this is all effects the family. We have also informed the RMP that we are seeking legal advice regarding what we believe is slander from the Welsh woman across the road from us. I just hope this nightmare is over soon.

Ive informed my tutor what has been happening and how im struggling to get my  head sorted for this assignment. I will do the best i can but im sure had i not had all this crap going on then i would be getting better grades.

Im longing for this to be all over and for us to living a new life in oz. That at the moment is the only thing keeping me going. I just hope it doesn't get snatched away.  

09:53 - Tue 26 August 2008 - comments {4}

Its all come to ahead now and im furious

Last night some one put a brick through a car window . And just now my husband phoned me up to say that J has been accussed of it is ridiculous. V noticed this morning the car with a breezr block on its bonnet when he went to work and we were all in bed. J now has to be interviewed by the RMP, with us present and a welfare representative. The car owner has gone out of her way to some how pin the blame on our family. Yet she is the foulest mouthed welsh woman i have ever met. Untill last night i had never even spoken to her directly, it was usually V that dealt with her when she used to accuse the boys of something or other. so it was rather suprising to hear that im in the firing line now too.

She has accused me off mouthing off at her last night. She caught me in my back garden and wanted to speak to me as my eldest son has called her son a lying BsD(i dont swear but im sure you get what he said) i was mortified and told her i would speak to my son. I have grounded him for it. The reason he did say it was cos my eldest , middle son and there friend were playing in the park when her son came up and threw some stones at them. However this kid told his mum that he was playing in the park and they threw stones at him. Im not sure exactly what went off but i let this woman say her piece and told her i would deal with my son. I never once rowed with her. But now due to her car being dammaged she is saying we are involved. When V told me what she had said i just burst into tears. Ive told V i want out here as i cant take anymore of it. I loved living in this area but 2 familes have gone out of their way to make it immpossible to live here any more.

V is phoning up to get the keys of the house we have been offered and we will take this house no matter what as if we dont ive told him im taking the kids and i will go and live with my parents.

Any one who knows me know that i avoid confrontation and walk away that get drawen into arguments. If my kids have done wrong then i always make them apologise and i punish them. If they have damaged property then we pay for the damage.

But these accusations are laugable but it really has got to me. Im not seeing the funny side to it at all.

My kids are cooped up for fear of what may happen to them next. Even being in bed hasn't stopped my youngest from being blamed.

I dont know how J will cope with being interviewed as often he gets confused when people bombard him with questions. Altogether there were 4 cars damaged and he is being questioned about every single one as a so called wittness claims he was there. Ive told V i want us to have a legal representative. Just incase they trip J up and he ends up saying something that they think may be an addmission of gulit. AS last night when we talked to him about the cars he got confused and thought we meant the cars he damaged in March. As he knew he had not scratched the cars.

11:34 - Fri 22 August 2008 - comments {5}

Hopping mad

Once again people on the estate we live on have showed just how shallow they are. J has again been accussed of scratching cars. The first i knew was a girl knocking on the door saying J had scratched her mums car and had been swearing. I asked when it was and she said just now. When i said it cant have been him as he had been in teh house for over an hour, she said well so and so told me. 

This time i know he is completly innocent but it hasn't stopped not only the kids' blatently lying and blaming him even to the RMP's The adults are pointing the finger, my hubby witnessed it all from our front porch.

J has been in the house the majority of the time apart from short bursts of time at the local park. But what got me was of one the kids he had been playing  with even she lied saying she was with him when he scratched the cars. But the only time she played with him was in our house. Older kids are egging the younger kids to lie as what was written on one of the cards, J doesn't even know how to spell.

Im waiting on the RMP knocking at the door and trying to blame him. I really have had enough. Ive told V that if the house we have been offered is bigger even if its only a little bit then i want us to take it.

So Once again im having to keep J in for his own protection. V was fuming when he left for his ten pin bowling match. No doubt he will hit the pins and pretent they are the gossips.  

The main person going around encouraging others to join in the blame J is a woman over the road from us. She is Welsh and  she rants and raves and is the first to blame the boys for anything, usualy as her own son is a right toerag.

Right that is my rant over, time for a cuppa and chill out.

07:21 - Thu 21 August 2008 - comments {2}

Frustration

Its been a rather frustrating week this week, ive not managed to get much work done towards my assignment the discussion forum which has to referenced as part of the assignment still hasn't been started, so i get started on that. The kids are playing me up so dont get much chance to concentrate on anything.

We have been offered a house in the area we wanted however only a 3 bedroom which is what we have now. Welfare had told us that it would be no problem getting a 4 bed. However the housing people said we needed a medical letter to say that  due to J's ADHD we needed the extra room. Which we duely did. So today we got a call from welfare saying the letter had been turned down. So we either wait on list for a 4 bed, or accept the 3 bed or just stay where we are.

Im not a happy bunny as i told v i would only remain in Germany if we were moved due to all the problems.He wont move into another 3 bed sees no point in it, which i can understand. But ive already agreed to some one moving into the house we own  on a long term agreement. So guess im going to be stuck here with keeping J in as much as possible due to the attitude of some of the people who live around here.

The thing is this house is so small that we have no space for the boys who share to have a chest of drawers in their room, so all the clothes are piled in boxes in the corner.

Im might get V to have a look at the house we have been offered and if the bedroom are indeed bigger then i might just tell him to go for it.Anything is better than this cramped house with no storage.

Right best check on the toe rags as they have just  disappered out of the house 

02:12 - Tue 19 August 2008 - comments {0}

Enjoying a little break from studying

God knows how ive done it but im now ahead of myself with my course, my next assignment needs to have OU forum input and that doesn't open till the 18th of August. I have been a little reading going over earlier work books. But as V has just left for the UK to sort out the new car and other stuff i wont get a great deal done while he is away. So tomorrow once the kids and i are sorted, provided the weather is ok we will go for a long walk with the dog. The past few weeks ive hardly had time to scratch my nose let alone spend time with the kids so im going to make up for it.

My next assignment is again a toughy, using a case study which implies possible child abuse i have to argue how emotional impact communication can have on situations.WE have to discuss different scenarios on the forum within our tutor group. I just hope i manage to do well enough to pass.

Im going to enjoy the freedom from studying while it lasts as i know once im back at the books there will be no let up.

10:07 - Mon 11 August 2008 - comments {0}

Am dancing on the ceiling now with happiness

Ive just found out that ive passed my assignment so now ive got a good chance of actually passing the course providing the next assignmetn results in a pass and i get a pass on the exam. Im strating to feel more optomistic now.

Right im off to get a bottle of wine now asi think ive deserved it now

05:55 - Thu 7 August 2008 - comments {1}

I cant believe it i passed my exam

O my god can you believe it, i got a grade 3 pass, the highest ive ever had and im so happy im crying. I really enjoyed that course, although i did find the exam tough going. The relief i feel is wonderful. Just need to get through this communication course.

Right back to the books, still have another assignment to go before the revision starts for that exam.

Im so happy so happy, as mandy dances around her bedroom/study

10:34 - Thu 7 August 2008 - comments {2}

I actually made the dead line

For once on this course i managed to get my assignment in on time. Ive worked so hard this week , hardly spent any time with the kids or V and have been living on caffine.

My exam result was supposed to be in today but when i checked my student home page it looks like i will have to wait till Friday now.

Fingers crossed that i have passed both my exam and my assignment.

Off to join my family now as im taking a whole day off from studying to do any thing they want to do.

09:45 - Wed 6 August 2008 - comments {1}

Still waiting to hear from the oz army

Despite regular emails from us to the lateral recruiting team we have still heard nothing. Apart from emails back saying  they cant proceded till they get his qualifications assessed. It was April they were sent off and to be honest we are fed up with waiting.

Today whilst i was trying to get my brain into gear to complete my assignment i put together all the info for V about migration and put it on the desk top with his name clearly on it. AS he knows nothing about the whole process of migration. Why is that i wonder?

Any how i managed to get a little bit more of my assignment done, its taken me ages and still need to find around 400 words to meet the word limit. I just hope to god it passes this time.

My exam results are due in on the same day as my assignment has to be in so ive got every thing crossed.

Im off to bed now and hope i will some how manage to wake up and know exactly what to write to finish this dammed assignment off. To say i dislike this course is an understatement.

11:09 - Sun 3 August 2008 - comments {2}

Had a fantastic weekend

Got back late on Sunday after spending the weekend down at Mohnesee. It was quite liberating sleeping in a tent some 20 odd years since i did my camping for Duke of Edinburgh Award.

The kids loved it. There were a half dozen familes from the unit also there so the kids all played whilst the adults caught up with what every one had been up to.

Saturday morning we went mountain biking around the lake very scenic, the blokes and kids were miles ahead of us ladies. My god my bum was saw after it though. I think i need an armchair on a bike for comfort lol.

In the after noon we went on body boards, pedaloes and canadian kayaks. It was great fun, the boys seemed to jump at the challenge. I managed to get sunburnt though. A case of me sorting the kids out with lotion and forgetting about my self. We had a great barbie on the evening till the heavens opened up and the worst storm that Germany had seen hit us. That was certainly an experince living through that in a tent. It lasted from 10pm till 5 am. I finally got to sleep when the storm died down. J slept through the lot and the other 2 thought it was exciting and a bit scary.

Sunday morning was so calm it was unbelievable , the kids and V went back out on the water, i just chilled out and watched and if im honest caught up on a few ZZZZZzz. WE set off back for home in the afternoon. All exhausted but happy.

We got home and were a little miffed that some toerag whilst we had been away thought it was amusing to lob stones and balls of mud at the back of our house, the patio was covered as was the window and our patio furniture. It was dark by the time we had un loaded the minibus we had used. So the clean up operation began yesterday.

We are still waiting to hear about the house we were offered. I so want to living in a quiter area, as we seem to be getting plenty of things happening to us which are unneccessary.

I have managed to make a start on my assignment and have got the introduction done. I shall try and get more done tommorow so my tutor can cast her eye over it and make sure im on track with it.

Its nearly a year since we moved to Germany and although in the main im happy that we decided to join V and get our family back on track, i still have a few regrets. mainly about the house in the UK. We still have no tenant  and im not sure when we will.

Any way its late and im off to bed

10:08 - Tue 29 July 2008 - comments {0}

Going to plod on with this course

After much discussions with my tutor i will carry on with my course. Despite the fact im not enjoying it the tutor is going to up her support for me.

I told her in no uncertain terms that i felt i had been let down by her. she realised that i am a good worker and despite all the crap ive endured ive always handed assignments in, even if later than every one else. She still wont re mark my work and stands by what she feels is correct about my last assignment. so im forgetting about that now. Im almost finished my current work book and after the weekend's camping i will crack on with my assignment. She has been given permission by regional office to check my draft essay prior to marking so that she can offer more help and ensure im doing the essay in the style she likes. So hopefully it will mean i pass my next two assignments.

If i can pass the remaining assignments i can pass the course (providing i pass the exam). So ive got my fingers crossed that is what is going to happen.

Ive worked dammed hard for this degree the effort i hope will be worth it when i 2009 i get the degree.

Well got to crack on with this work book and its reading list. I may not be enjoying it but im no quitter and i will finish this course

08:50 - Wed 23 July 2008 - comments {2}

Feeling as though my mojo is gone

I got my assignment result back today and it was not good news, ive failed again. Out of the past 3 assignments ive only passed one. Im not enjoying my course and im starting to think about pulling out of it. However im not sure if i would get any money back on it as ive self funded and nearly £700 is a lot of money to go down the drain. Ive been looking at alternative courses and i could potentially get another course started in October which would mean i was doing 2 courses again for a short time next year. Not good.

I really do need to get my degree finished by 2009 other wise i will have to pay international fees for my final course. Just cant afford it.

I really am confused and just dont know what to do about it. Ive worked dammed hard on this course , the content has been difficult to read at times and the questions have been very difficult. I know other people on the course are also struggling so im not alone. I think my tutor is not very helpful and even admited that my assignment showed a good argument but was not enough to pass. i think other tutors would have passed me. Im annoyed and upset. I have another assignment due soon but right now i just want to down tools and say sod it. Im not a quitter though and i feel as though if i plod on i might just scrapre enough to pass the course(miracle if that happened)

Off to sort the kids out now, sounds like they fighting again

05:36 - Mon 21 July 2008 - comments {0}

Still recovering

Im never drinking again. Still feel rough and im now coming down with a cold.

Mind you at least i managed to get out of bed yesterday, some of our mates never managed that lol.

Im drinking coffee and lempsips like they are going out of fashion.

Ive got to get loads of work done for this assignment and all i want to do is pull the douvet over me and sleep.

Ive decided im sending all the rain we are getting in Paderborn over to Albury as they are in depserate need of it and im fed up of it.

Got to crack on the course work aint going to do its self

09:41 - Mon 21 July 2008 - comments {2}

Feeling rough today

Well last night was brillant. Large quantities of alcohol was consumed as people were buying us drinks left right and center. It would have been rude to refuse. The bloke who did the speech was rubbish (too much alcohol to blame). V on the other hand did a brief but funny speech as usual. Which more than made up for it.

WE finally got home around 4ish i think. The baby sitter was brillant and got on the transport home by special arrangement(saved us taxi fees).

Both of us feel rougher than a badgers bum and with the kids getting up at 8 .30 we have not had much sleep.

V is off on adventure training tommorow and on Friday we will join him with the rest of the families for a weekend of fun.

I need another coffee so will write more later  

01:42 - Sun 20 July 2008 - comments {1}

A special night for my husband tommorow

Tommorow night we are going to be wined and dined in honour of V serving 22 years in the army. There will be speeches and toasts and hopefully a good night. Although V does not leave the army till April , it was the only time he can have his dine out as all the friends and collegues he has will not be in Paderborn when we leave. Instead they will be serving in either Afghanistan or Iraq. that is a sombering thought that tommorow night may be the last time we see some of our very good friends. Hopefully they will all come back safe from the tours and we will get vistors once we get to oz.

However i am realistic and know that out of the many that go a few will not come back. That is what life in the army is life.

I am so proud of my V he joined the army at 16 and has served in the Gulf twice, Canada, a few times, Ireland initally for a 9 month tour when it was still troubled and then 4 years most recently.

I met V when i was 17 and he was 18 so i knew that my life would never be a stress free and boring life. We have had scary moments when he has been in war zones when i thought i would never see him again. More so in 1990 when the convoy he was in got hit by friendly fire (stupid yanks) although he lost friends in the convoy he survived and he vowed he would make his life mean something. I think he has as well.

Neither of us a wild party people but we are very sociable and most people when they see us together they know we belong together. As i listen to the speech, im sure i will have a lump in my throat as they praise my man.

WEll enough jabbering on ive got course work to get done.

09:36 - Fri 18 July 2008 - comments {1}

Playing catch up on my studying

My next assignment is due shortly and i have only today just sent of my last assignment. its tough going at the moment. for some reason this course has had no break at Easter and will offer no break in summer. So for 9 months solid this course is worked on. i think the OU are expecting too much of its students on this course.

Im feeling the pain now of constantly studying. When the 6 th of Aug comes round i should have my 4th assignment sent off, but that is not going to happen so once again i will have to have an extention. All through this course ive needed extentions, im only supposed to be allowed no more than 3. hopefully my tutor will understand that everything has had a knock on effect and with no break factored in no chance of catching up properly. I still dont know how im going to cope with the kids off for 6 weeks and a house move to boot.

I am feeling much stronger now though, the past few weeks were hell as i started spirling into a near depression type state. But knowing that i clean this stressful enviroment behind has boosted me.

D my eldest has been having counselling at school for the trauma he suffered a few months back, it seems to have paid off as he is much happier in himself. He confessed that knowing we are moving away but still close enough for his friends to visit has boosted him aswell.

V is writing the letter today to the welfare office to formally request the move to the new house. (the army cant just give us it paperwork has to be done) also because it benefits us we also have to pay for the move ourselves. so we arn't too sure whether we will get our little holiday to center parks after all.

However next weekend we are off to Mohnasee(dambusters) for a weekend of campling and activites for the familes. The men(army ) folk go down this Monday for a sailing course and activity courses.

The kids are quite excited, ive not been camping since i did my Duke of Edinburgh Award schemes in the 80's i just hope i can handle it lol.

V's skill assesment still have not come back, he emailed the recruiting team to see what is going on.

Ah well best crack on with this work book 

11:17 - Tue 15 July 2008 - comments {0}