Will the last Englishman out of the country turn the lights out please ?

It's Australia Day, so let's celebrate our Australian ways

Having been here a year now, I feel I can comment on the way of life here. Seeing as tomorrow is Australia Day, I thought I would write a list to celebrate all things good Australian. For my English mates, you'll understand it's payback for the pommie bashing we take all year. For my Aussie mates, please take it in the light hearted fashion it's intended. So, here goes :

The great thing about being Australian is you can do things that in most other countries would see you ridiculed.

Fashion
You can wear oversized dark black sunglasses all year round, even when it's pouring with rain and you are sitting on a dark train carriage. The rule only applies if they have big Gucci, Prada, or DG diamond encrusted logos on the side however.

You can wear blue patent stilettoes with pink dots and a green dress together, and STILL think you look the absolute business. Coupled with the sunglasses, you really are too cool for school.


Language
You get to shorten every word, and put an 'o' on the end. Like arvo, and doco. No matter how much of a twat you sound saying it, everyone loves you for it. To totally integrate, your name needs to follow the same format, Johnno, Davo, if you can boast an 'o' name, you've made it.

You can say 'Fair Dinkum'. No, you really can, I've heard it, and it wasn't a joke. In fact there was a whole page ad in the paper yesterday for 'Fare Dinkum' air fares.

You get to say the word 'approach' a lot. People will ask, "What should our approach be to this", when they mean "I have got no f*ckin idea how to deliver this, have you ?". This is also a benefit of work, below.

You also get to say the word 'like' a lot. Most sentences start and end in either, "So, I was like", or "and, he was like".


Work
You can be a 'pointer'. Not the cement in between the bricks type, no, you just stand on a building site and point. Each site typically has around 10 of these, with 20 managers, and 1 labourer.

Australia is process heaven. If you can think of it, there's a process for it. Somewhere there's a process telling cleaners how to wash toilets... "Take the loo brush, and in a circular motion pass it wound the pan 6 times"

You dont actually have to deliver anything. You may well get given a task, but there's enough red tape and waffle lying around to ensure you never have to complete it. Seems mainly due to process, above. If someone tries to pin you down on delivery, just say "No, the process does not work that way".

Part of this non-delivery it seems is also to repeat every exercise in a bi yearly routine. For instance, you start with a plan, then decide that wont work, the bloody process is getting in the way. Then starts a series of meeting to troubleshoot whats going wrong. No definate actions are defined, although everyone leaves the meeting cock sure that they've got it sorted this time. You now do the complete opposite of what you have done up to this point to deliver the task. Still does not work, so more meetings, and low and behold we go back to the original way of working. As I said, takes around 6 months generally, however if the organisation is familar with Rapid Application Deployment techniques, this can be reduced to quarterly cycles.

Driving
You get to drive a gas guzzling V8 although you never go over 60kph.

The reason for the V8 it seems is so that you can accelerate away from the lights at breakneck speed, hit 60Kph, come right off the gas with no warning, and sit there until the next stop, or a corner ! Corners are the bain of an Australian drivers life. Their cars all must be booby trapped with mercury switches and 20kilos of TNT or something, as the Titanic cornered better than they do here.

You get to drive at people who dare to try and pull out into your lane. How dare they invade YOUR piece of road, you were there first after all. You also never have to say thank you if someone does let you out, they probably didn't mean too anyway, they probably just took their eye off the ball for a second, SUCKERS !


Sport
You never actually lose a sporting event. Should the scoreline reflect that in fact Australia did not win, you can take solice in the fact that the other team were not better, your lot just messed it up and let them win. The excuses after the rugby were absolute genius.

You get to call football soccer, and be sh*t at it.


The best bits, for me anyway
Licenses. Were it not for licenses, this country would cease to operate. I know I've said this in a previous post, but there really is a license for everything. I am told the local govt looked into stopping people cycling on pavements. The answer ? Ofcourse, a license. You need a license to ride a bike, genius. So, little Johnno gets a bike for Xmas, wants to go for a ride. Sorry son, you need to wait till you're 16 when you qualify for a license ! I have yet to be in a meeting where a license is suggested as a solution to an issue, but my time cannot be far away.

Saving the best for last. The weather ! Forecasts for occasional showers result in a weekend of torrential rain ! What do people say at work on Monday ? "Ah, but we needed it". No, quite frankly, we dont. We get more rain here than I ever saw in the UK, just over less days. It rains inches in hours here. Where does it go ? Straight back into the sea.


Anyway, despite all that, we love it. Kirsto and Dazzo are getting on well, and Kaio had his jabs today and was a little star. We will be sitting in the sun tomorrow, beers in hand, loving this outdoor life. We've made loads of good friends, Australian and English, and would recommend it here to any of you back home.

Happy Australia Day All !

D, K, K

x

Have a tinnie or two for me

02:12, Sat 26 January 2008 .. Posted by Dave+Jules

Great entry, well written.

Davido (nah doesnt work does it;))

What's happening?

11:06, Fri 22 August 2008 .. Posted by poppie

Been an avid reader for ages.... great blog!
Just wondering what's been happening? Hope you're ok x

Oi

12:16, Wed 27 August 2008 .. Posted by Hutch

You still in Australia?

Oiiiiiii

11:42, Wed 12 November 2008 .. Posted by Hutch

You have disappeared from sight. Are you still in Oz?