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How long......?

Posted on Sun 7 December 2008 at 07:22

Dearie me,

I hadn't realised how long it had been since I last blogged until Susan emailed me and said  I seemed to have dropped off the radar......   I honestly hadn't reckoned on it  being that long.

 

So peeps, here I am!!  Bronzed, fit, non-smoking me!!  Large (if not larger...) than life with no hidden preservatives  or additives.  Well, strike the fit and you have it!  Yeah, gave up the cigs after a year back on them... glad to have done it and wish I hadn't started a year ago.

 

Just been busy and happy and didn't notice time passing.  I'm really enjoying work.  Yes, there don't seem to be the systems in place that would keep you safe to the same degree as other more professionally run units I have worked in but for the first time in a year I feel like I am really nursing again and that what I do actually might make a difference to a patient's life on a long term basis.

 

Phil and I go from strength to strength.  I think if there is a fault it is that we are both Leo's....ahhh Lord - where do you go when we are both right ALL the time...xx

 

Poppy Kitty has had 3 black and white kittens, all now have potential homes and should be going the week before Christmas.  They are lovely but by hell, they are beginning to drive me insane.  It's bad enough when you own your own house but 3 kittens in a rented property is not good news.  I kept finding mini wees until I started dropping each kitty into the dirt tray every time I saw them.  Now at least they are going there of their own accord.  The insanity bit comes into play when I see them all at the top of the net curtains.  Or in the washing machine.  Or on the table.  Or in the TV cabinet.  I know they are just exploring their surroundings but dear me, I wish they would pack up and piss offf soon......and Poppy is getting 'done' ASAP...

 

WOOOOOO!!!!!!  BAD BOYS ARE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS!!  Mark and Darren should arrive on Xmas Eve and be here until the 11th of January.  I can't wait!!!

 

Phil took me on the 'Toy Run' today.  It's an annual Kiwi event, staged in several towns/cities across NZ in the run up to Xmas.  There must have been over 500 motorbikes, all pulled up in front of the local pub, all with teddies or toys strapped on somewhere.  We went from the Sandbar {c'mon Littletoe - you must have heard it all from your house!}, down to Petone and ended up in central Wellington.  At one point of the 'motorway' {dual-carriageway to us peeps in the know......}, there were 2 lanes of  motorbikes as far as the eye could see - and I would imagine that was about 1.5 kilometres at least.  it was a good feeling to be part of something so big and all for "charidee" - but by f**k, it was sodding roasting.  I was wearing a skimpy vest top under my biky jacket - which had the lining stripped out and I was cooking.  Remember I said that - there was actually a time I DID'T complain about the cold!~! 

 

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix9ePVZ0rr8&fmt=18

Behold the lovely Shane!!  {for those who don't know him, he is on the left}.  He is Karen's Biggest Boy and she is very, very proud of him as you may well imagine. Well done lads, well done indeed.  You sound bloody brilliant and deserve to go far.

 

I have been um-ing and ah-ing about this one......and finally decided that if by telling you all how it has been for me and it helps one person out there make a decision, it may well be worth it.... so here goes.....

In May, I realised that I had to sort myself out.  That as a mental health health nurse I knew full well that I did indeed have depression.  And the time had come to confront that and actually do something about about it.  That's the worst of what I do for a living.  I KNEW I had depression. 

The classic signs?  

A change in one's sleeping pattern - either a lot more or a lot less. 

A change in one's eating patterns - again, either a lot more or a lot less.

Lack of enjoyment in things one used to find enjoyable. {anhedonia to be precise}

No range of emotions - everything is 'flat'

Lack of concentration

Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness

Life isn't worth living

 You feel like that?  Well, you have to do something about it, it's as simple as that.  I finally went to the doctor and TOLD him I had depression.  He agreed with me and offered me counselling, time off work and a prescription.  I foolishly said no to all of them.  My thinking was, 'now that I know what is wrong, I have it within myself to sort it out'.  No.  Life ain't like that.  In spite of just starting a new relationship which really renewed my faith in  myself and made me feel like I was actually worth something, I think I had gone too low for that to be enough to pick me up.  Months of not eating properly and subsisting on 2 hours sleep a night  had really messed with my head and my body's abilty to sort itself out.  It took until  June/July for me to really comprehend that I was struggling in the real world and I couldn't do it all myself.  I finally went back to see my GP and filled the prescription I had been given.  F**K ME!!  There began one of the worst periods of my life.  My body DID not agree with the anti-depressant I had been prescribed.  All I wanted was for the depression to fade somewhat into the background so that I could regain myself.     Nah......It didn't work like that at all...Possibly because of my erratic eating habits and poor, poor sleeping pattern, the small amount of anti-depressant my GP put me on really messed with my head.  For 3 days, I went to work basically happily stoned.  It was very odd.  Not bad, just odd.  But the 4th day was the belter.  I went in and by 10am felt stoned - the way it had gone for the last few days.  But by 11am, I felt paranoid, delusional and very, very unsafe.  Given that I work in Forensic, you can't afford to be feeling like.  So I got Phil to take me home.  I ended up being signed off for a fortnight ( this was when were moving house in August and over my birthday too).  The moral of this tale is:  even mental health nurses are prone to depression.  Take the help that is offered to you and don't feel like the end of the world has come just because you have to accept help.  To me - as a mental health nurse.....I felt like a patient.  I felt stigmatised.  I felt I had let myself down.  But then I {with the input of my most lovely and generous Kat from Hamilton} looked at the last 2 years.  I have undergone EMIGRATION.  That in itself is enough to stress anyone.  Then starting a new job in this country.  The stress of being being the breadwinner.  The stress of being a first time house owner.  The stress of the breakup of my marriage.  The stress of starting again - all my own doing incidentally - tring to find a new job, somewhere to live all over again.

Yeah, looking at it in those those terms:   I now allow myself to agree; yes, it WAS a bloody tough 2 years and I ought to cut myself some slack.  I AM allowed to be suffering from depression.  It doesn't mean that I want to kill myself:  far from it.  It just means that I haven't dealt with things over those 7 - 8 months as well as the Karen without depression would have.  I now feel I am the person I used to be and that I can move on again.  I  now feel I am in control of my life again.  So for those of you out there who are maybe thinking about approaching your GP with this in mind: please do it.  Please save yourself the grief that I put myself through. In spite of who we are and what we know about ourselves and the world, there is not one of us who can be immune to depression. 

Sooooo,,,, peeeeeeeps, please, please look after yourselves.  It doesn't need earth shaking, mind blowing 'stuff' to give you depression.  It can appear from nowhere and blight your life.  If reading this has made you think you may have it, please, please do something about it.  Not tomorow  - today xx

Luv ya - Karenie xx


Untitled Comment

Posted by Sugarmooma on Mon 8 December 2008 at 04:02 - Link

Good to hear all is great in Karen's world.

Ditto on the Toy Run...we went on ours last week. It gets bigger every year, and it is amazing to be riding in such a loud noisy group of crazy bikers!

Kudos to you on posting about your depression. It's all "onward and upward" now. You're alright girlie...!

What an excellent blog!

Posted by Littletoe on Mon 8 December 2008 at 07:00 - Link

So good to read! You sound marvellous! Sandbar? christ I hate that place! Its full of Chelsea tshirt wearing British yobs. You should have gone to the Monteiths bar next door. Anyway, did you walk past New World in Mana today? Around 4.30ish?? Great news on the smoking - good on you! You sound so different to a year ago, so many achievements in such a short space of time - buy this woman a drink...at the monteiths bar!

Untitled Comment

Posted by Ray on Sat 13 December 2008 at 06:37 - Link

Your still mad as a hatter ..lol...xxx

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