Bleak House

Posted on Tue 16 October 2007 at 01:48

Poppy kitty is now shut firmly in the bathroom as she woke me up yet again and I can't get back to sleep.

Bleak just about sums up how I feel right now.  The house is pristine - the estate agents come tomorrow to 'caravan' - all the estate agents in the area look over each new property en masse.  There is little of us as a family left on display - this house is an empty shell that once held a loving, living family.  Those days are gone, like yesterday's promises, never to return as long as we live here. 

Things always seem worse in the middle of the night and it certainly isn't any different this night.  Earlier on, I heard a loud car in the street and my heart stuttered in my chest.  I thought it was Steve coming back.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that isn't going to happen.  I know with absolute certainty that it wouldn't work even if he did.  But this stupid, foolish, ever hoping heart betrayed me and then let me down again.  That instant of hope, that tiny flame of anticipation made the crash into reality even harder to bear than usual.  The ache is palpable, my throat is thick with unshed tears.  But I have already cried an ocean of tears to no avail - there are no tears left, just a melancholy that threatens to envelop my very essence.  Dear Lord, will this never end?  Most of the time now, I'm better than this but right at this moment, there is no peace, no solace, no sleep, no bright side, no silver lining. 

Thankfully, my colleague Ian is meant to be coming again tomorrow for some more hypnotherapy.  The first session gave me immense relief but it would seem I am sorely in need of some more right now.  I gain a measure of comfort from sharing these things on here, so bear with me, it will eventually cease to hurt and I will be able to start living like a real person and maybe have something interesting to share instead of this litany of dejection, desolation and despair.

Hopefully, tomorrow will bring some sunshine, some hope and some peace as they have deserted me for the moment.

Chin up.

Posted by BEVS here on Tue 16 October 2007 at 12:17 - Link

Hi there Karon m'love.
So very sad to read this unhappy news .
The hypnotherapy is an excellent idea. I've had that for PTSD and it really can help give small pools of calm.
Chin up then & take one day/night at a time. Be kind to yourself & take care.
Marian

Just checked in to see how you're doing

Posted by Littletoe on Tue 16 October 2007 at 02:26 - Link

Thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs! Please drop me a text when you're in Welly, would be great to meet up x

Hope You Feel Better

Posted by Am Loolah on Tue 16 October 2007 at 04:05 - Link

Hope you're feeling a bit more upbeat again after your hypnotherapy session? It's still really early days, expect to feel rotten mate, it's totally normal.
Try and look forward to Thursday and the weekend. Big hug.
XXX