desolation

Posted on Tue 9 October 2007 at 12:45

I feel hollow.  Not because of not eating but because there is this huge empty space and all I have to fill it with is sorrow and regret.  The bravado has gone and all I feel now is utter desolation.  Don’t worry, I’m not about to end it all but I have spent so long crying over the last couple of days I just can’t seem to see my way forward right now.

Melissa and I went swimming on Sunday.  It was good to be doing something mindless, something that occupies your time and finally takes my mind off the other rubbish. 

We went visiting, off to Cambridge to have coffee with Jan and Ian, more expats.  Thank you people, Melissa enjoyed her visit too. 

So, yesterday, up by 4am as I couldn’t sleep, waiting outside the Gym at 5.30 – Good grief, what the hell happened to sleep!!  Then I dropped Melissa off at school and off swimming again for an hour and a half.  Just for something to occupy me and hoping for that feel good factor you are meant to get with exercise as the endorphins start kicking in.  However, I think the endorphins stayed at home and caught up their sleep because they didn’t come with me.

I came home from town and there was something on the back doorstep.  The most enormous bouquet of flower from my sons and Shane’s fiancée.  At that point I just about cried myself insenseless and felt slightly better for it afterwards.

My boss wrote me a really good CV and covering letter – even I would employ me on the strength of that!  I’m not going to pretend that I had much to do with it, I can’t seem to get my head round things like that just now.  Best get my act together before my interview, seeing as she has put such effort into helping me.  I also asked if I could have my shift pattern changed to make Melissa-care easier.

Painted what I could reach on the outside of the house where it needs patching because of the insulation.  Next I intend to do some gardening so it looks presentable for the photos for the estate agent.

But it all seems so futile.  I just want to go to bed and wake up in 3 months time and someone will have done all the organising and taken away the pain.  I so don’t want to be doing this, it is tearing my soul apart.

(((((HUGS))))))

Posted by julesandco on Tue 9 October 2007 at 02:15 - Link

Oh honey, what a heart wrenching post. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, but you are not alone..... we're all with you every step and will support you any way we can. You take care of yourself and Melissa. Jules xxx

My heart goes out to you mate

Posted by Littletoe on Tue 9 October 2007 at 03:38 - Link

I think your emotions will be like a pendulam at the moment, and that's OK. Feel strong, angry, sad, desperate, angry, alone, etc. Its all part of dealing with it, and your'll be better for letting it all out in the long run. But know there will be turning point and you will get through this. There are a lot of people here that love and support you and we'll be there to hold you when you're feeling weak. Take good care of yourself and look after your body xx

Big Hugs!!!!

Posted by jaybirdjan on Tue 9 October 2007 at 08:03 - Link

Hey m8 nice to see you Sunday hope you know we all really care for you. Give me a call whenever take care and will see you saturday.

One day at a time...

Posted by JulesM on Tue 9 October 2007 at 08:30 - Link

Hi Karen,

Just take one day at a time. There will be some horrible days and there will be some bearable days. At some point the bearable days will turn into good days and these will start to become more numerous. Just concentrate on getting through each day for now and lean on family and friends for support.

Thinking of you

Jules

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Posted by Issie on Wed 10 October 2007 at 01:13 - Link

I can't begin to imagine your pain............

(((((((((((((((( hugz))))))))))))))))))

D xx

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Posted by poppets on Wed 10 October 2007 at 10:01 - Link

oh sweetheart, bigs hugs coming to you, i wish i could do more for you, i wish i could stop the pain, but you know you have tonnes of support from family & friends who care for you very much. This feeling will pass, & it's normal for you to feel like this, you are going through a huge shock & change in your life, things will get better.
take care hen, lots of love to you & M , catch you soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx