moving on

Posted on Fri 5 October 2007 at 03:41

The last 2 days have gone on forever.

The incredible support I have received from the British Expat website members in their posts, PM's and telephone calls has completely taken my breath away and that has been the only thing that has actually made me cry.  Not losing him but the kindness of people I have mostly never met but who have had the thought and compassion to let me know they are thinking of me.  Guys, I can't thank you enough - your support has been an immense solace and means a huge amount to me.

My family and friends - I don't quite know how I would be doing without you, you are my quiet place, my comfort, my candle in the dark, my refuge in the storm.

We had been together for 17 years and I don't intend to tell all the breakup details publicly - Steve, I'm sure you will be glad to hear that.  I don't even intend to do any name calling.  I want to be able to look back and know that I have behaved with as much dignity as possible under the circumstances.  We had the most fantastic times together and I have lost my soul mate, my other half and my best mate all in one fell swoop.  The pain has been deep and all pervading, a veritable ripping apart of my soul.  Thanks for that you two.  Enjoy what you have, knowing it is built on my pain and anguish and your deceit and that you have hurt Melissa so deeply, enjoy.

I don't think I have the words to describe the tumult of emotions that have been through but let's have a go eh?

I can only liken it to the river Spey in the shallows.  The emotions are those rocks just below the surface and my life is the river swirling over them .  Hurt, shock, disbelief, misery, incandescent rage, futile longing that this is just a dream and I will wake up and cuddle up next to him in relief.  Pain I never thought I would endure in this relationship.  Fear of the unkown, of being alone, of having to start again, of isolation, of rejection. 

And then the river deepens and I am finding I am not just been carried along.  I am making decisions and the mad spate of emotion is coming under my control.

However, I am not going to portray myself as the victim here as I am making plans and intend to move forward rather than wallow in abject self pity and grief.  I have a few days off work and after the weekend I am going to work on my CV with my boss and I have already started looking for a new job near Wellington.  My boss will give me a 6 month career break so if I wish to come back if things don't work out, there will still be a job here for me.

We started putting the house on the market and as soon as the chap comes back to seal off the holes left by the cavity wall insulation, we can have the photos taken and start the ball rolling.

We have done a lot of organising for the split and hopefully that will be as civil as possible given the circumstances.  Melissa is coping surprisingly well and hopefully will continue to be grounded and not too freaked by what has happened.

Hopefully, from now on, I won't be referring to this again but to my plans for a new life and all the excitement that hopefully that will contain. 

Thanks again to everyone for your support - I don't think I would be coping so well without knowing that you care.

Untitled Comment

Posted by Cram on Fri 5 October 2007 at 12:24 - Link

Hi Karen

I know we don't know each other but i have been following your blog recently...i am so sorry to hear what your going through...i wish you and your daughter all the best for the future

Untitled Comment

Posted by StevieB on Mon 8 October 2007 at 06:32 - Link

I know I have screwed up Karen's life, and hurt alot of other people, not least Melissa. I am sorry for this, believe me or not I am not proud of how I've done what I've done. I am sorry Karen, although I know you will find that hard to believe. There is nothing else I can say.