not so bad

Posted on Tue 14 August 2007 at 08:16

I’m just glad today didn’t turn out to be as bas as I’d expected.  On Friday I made myself incredibly miserable and low.  I was thinking about today, August the 14^th.  My son Darren was born on my 24^th birthday 21 years ago.  I’ll do the maths – he is 21 today and I am 45.  I am very proud of all my sons and it made me really sad that I wasn’t there to spend the day with him.  To be fair, I missed both Shane and Mark’s 21^st   birthdays also, as we had moved to England and they still lived in Scotland.  But there is a big difference between England and New Zealand when you are thinking about a quick trip home.  I knew Steve was going to be away for my birthday as he was on a course.  I felt old and unloved and fat and ugly and grotesque and selfish and horrible and worthless.  Middle aged and of no use or account to anyone.  I didn’t seem to matter anymore.

I felt an old grief that has been bubbling away for a few weeks now since I escorted a patient to a funeral.  The funeral was that of a person in their 40’s, who had been an alcoholic and died, leaving teenage children behind.  I felt incredibly moved by the service, finding it difficult not to cry even though I had never met them.  I found it very similar to my father, who died at 44, who was an alcoholic and left a teenage child.  I was in my 20’s by then and at the time I thought, well, he has had a life, he achieved things, and he had a family and saw his grandchild (I only had my eldest son then).  It’s funny how your perspective changes isn’t it?  Now I am 45, I realise just how little time he had.  We have moved to a new country, changed our lives and I am now older than he was when he died.  It has given me a lot of sadness over the last few weeks, all of my own doing but real in spite of that.

However, on Saturday, there was mail in the mail box.  It was a little parcel from my mother.  It contained a little holographic picture of a Pegasus, very similar to my BE avatar.  Something and nothing.  Not diamond encrusted gold, not hugely expensive.  But a token of her love and the fact that I hadn’t been forgotten.  That she had taken the time to look for something she knew I would smile at and get it in the post in time.  Thank you Mother, it was greatly appreciated and I started to pick up for there on.  We went shopping and spent shit-loads of money.  We bought Melissa a new bed, which fits her bedroom so much better than the huge bunk set she had.  It really brightens the room now you can get to the curtains and open the window.  We bought some really nice bed linen for our bed, which had to go on the bed as soon as possible of course.  It suits the room nicely so that helped too.  New shoes, what more could you ask for – ahhhh, yes, a new spaghetti jar!!  At the princely sum of $4.90 from K-Mart at it was end of the range but it was exactly what I wanted.  Lots of bits and pieces.  More importantly perhaps was the fact it was my first full weekend off in ages so we spent a lot of time together, eating out and hanging out and doing very little but doing it together.  Today, I have had a phone call from my elder sister Fiona, who has been up all night trying to phone me.  Thanks, Fiona, I needed that, it’s so good to know that people care.  I’ve left a message on Darren’s home phone and spoke to his Dad, telling Darren to phone about 7pm if he wants as I will be up for work by then.  All in all, not such a bad day.

I care!

Posted by Littletoe on Tue 14 August 2007 at 08:47 - Link

I think your'll find a lot of us read your blog and care about you! xx

Untitled Comment

Posted by Am Loolah on Wed 15 August 2007 at 03:43 - Link

Maaate, glad you feel a little better after your retail therapy & phonecalls. Ring me for a chat anytime?X