Weird nursing tales

Posted on Fri 11 May 2007 at 09:44

Just having a laugh at some nursing tales at work and thought I would share them with you.

I would like to take this opportunity to state that none of these involve me in any way shape or form, I was not there, they did not happen to me, ever, anywhere in the world, in any job I have every worked in.  Are we all quite clear on that?  Good, then if you are sitting comfortably, I will begin.  Once upon a time in a land far, far away…..

2 nurses accompanied a forensic patient on a walk in the community.  Remember, forensic patients have generally committed pretty serious crimes. He had a really annoying habit of pretending to hide, and then jumping out on the staff- even though he knew he could be seen, it was meant to be funny and usually was quite funny. Well, one day he ran in front a little bit, round a corner. One staff member said to the other “why don't we hide from him – see how HE likes it? So they stayed where they were, behind a hedge, instead of following immediately on his heels. At that point a woman walked past...........Too late, the staff realised the patient would jump out and surprise her instead of them! One member of staff could not move at that point in case they wet themselves laughing! They then heard "boo" as he jumped out on the woman, "eeeek" as she got a fright, then "aaargh" as he realised he had the wrong person! One nurse was actually on the ground by that point, as he couldn't stand up for laughing! The patient was so very very apologetic and the woman took it in very good part (no one mentioned he was a mental health patient of course - she may not have been so good about it if she knew!)
 He is perfectly safe these days; sorry for his crime etc or they wouldn't have been taking him out in the community but if people knew, the staff would probably would have been in shit-loads of trouble!

A friend of mine (Jim) had a sat-nav in his car, back in the days when they were very new and very expensive.  He ended up taking a patient with schizophrenia somewhere in his own car as the ward car was out of action.  He had already programmed it, as he didn’t want to waste time once they got in the car.  So they were driving along and he took a wrong turning.  At that point an American woman’s voice told him he had taken a wrong turning.  The patient whipped round to see who was talking but of course saw nothing.  Jim couldn’t resist it and continued along the wrong road.  So the American voice again told him he was going the wrong way.  The patients said ‘Jim’ can’t you hear her?’….’No mate’ said Jim, ‘can’t hear a thing’.. Apparently this went on for a fair few miles, Jim just about pissing himself laughing but maintaining a fairly serene profile and the patient just about went into meltdown on the passenger seat.  Extra medication was called for at their destination!

A few years ago, a patient kept telling staff that the Iraqis were out to get him.  He was very paranoid and was insistent that the Iraqis were talking about him.  Staff said ‘ well, tell us what they are saying that makes you think they are after you’ – ‘how the fuck would I know’ he said, ‘they are talking Iraqi!!

A Doctor walks into a bank and goes to sign some paper-work but pulled a rectal thermometer out of his breast pocket instead. ‘Damn’ he says, ‘some arseholes’ got my pen!’